


Pieces

by Kate_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Big Bang Challenge, Brief Mention of Underage Prostitution (non-explicit), Canon-Typical Violence, Description of Dying (non-violent), F/M, M/M, Mass Effect Big Bang 2017, Multi, Polyamory, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 06:51:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 112,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12126906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: Shepard thought she'd left the pieces of her shattered relationship with Kaidan behind on Horizon and moved on, but when circumstances put them together again, the jagged edges still cut deep.Kaidan thought he had his world--and her--figured out, but he's coming to realize that nothing is as it seemed.Vega has worshiped Shepard from afar for years. Hackett warned him that greatness came with a cost. It's one that's left both of them damaged.Can Shepard and Kaidan pick up the pieces, and if so, will there be room for James when they're put back together?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Story (unlucky-words) for the absolutely beautiful, adorable, heart-squeezing artwork! It was kinda crazy, but we got through our first MEBB together! *High fives us!* I'll work with you any year!

  **Banner by Story/unlucky-words**

 

 

Shepard looked up from the datapad as the burly Marine standing stiffly beside her door stifled a cough. She'd almost forgotten he was there. He was surprisingly quiet and unobtrusive for a man his size, something of which she approved. He was certainly better than the fidgety lieutenant assigned to her on his off days. He left her alone when she wanted to be left alone—which was often—and he did his job without glaring holes in her back like the other.

She still thought it a bit ridiculous that she had to have a guard. She was here voluntarily if not happily. It wasn't like she was going to just walk out the door. Anderson had claimed it was for her own protection, but she was Commander Shepard. She wasn't worried about the batarians. There had only ever been one assassin who could have overtaken her and he'd never been a threat to her. Batarians couldn't come close. Even without her armor or weapons or omni-tool or amp, she was still a force to be reckoned with and she knew it.

The marine turned his attention to her and said deferentially, "Need something, Commander?"

"You aren't supposed to call me that, Lieutenant," she said automatically. "No. Carry on."

"Yes, ma'am," he said.

She tried to return her attention to her book, but one thought had led to another. Now, her train of thought was trapped on a single track that she knew she would have to follow to its completion. The only transfer switches led to the same conclusion: a brick wall she'd slam into at full speed. Her hands itched for the only weapon that she could aim at this particular problem, but it was locked in her cabin aboard the _Normandy_ , so she settled for turning the radio on before leaning against the window and looking down through the incessant rain at the rooftop park below.

It was enough to at least allow her to reach one of her mental transfer switches and turn the train toward the less painful path. She didn't know what it said about her that genocide and questions of her morality were the less painful option and she didn't particularly care. She knew she was no saint, no matter how awed the young lieutenant looked when she bothered to speak. She was no monster, either, regardless of what others might think of her. At least, she didn't think she was. She was just pragmatic and good at hiding what she felt. Still waters ran deep with her. It was something _they'd_ had in common.

She yanked hard at the mental switch and thought instead about the series of events that had landed her under house arrest in Alliance HQ rather than free out in the galaxy with her crew, preparing for the war she knew was coming. She'd longed to come back to the Alliance even after they'd turned their backs on her. Now, she just resented them. She still didn't know if the leak that had alerted the batarians to her identity had come from Hackett's office or Cerberus, but she would put money on the latter. The Illusive Man had been furious when she'd defected with the _Normandy_. She was certain this was his payback. That didn't stop her from resenting the Alliance for sacrificing her on the altar of peace and neither did the knowledge that it had to be done.

 

oOoOoOo

 

James surreptitiously watched Shepard as she looked blankly out the window. She was lost in thought again. That was nothing new. He wondered what she thought about when she did that and was reminded of something that Admiral Hackett had told him a few years ago. _It's good to have heroes, Vega, but don't be too eager to follow in Shepard's footsteps. That kind of greatness only comes at a great cost. Remember that._ He hadn't understood then what the admiral had meant. He'd assumed it was the cost of effort and time or maybe even the ability to have a family and a normal life or simply injury and pain. He'd thought he would be the one to pay that cost. He had in a way, but it was nothing compared to the price that others had paid on his behalf. He understood now.

He'd followed Commander Shepard's career since she'd become the youngest soldier to ever complete ICT and earn the designation of N7. He was older now than she had been then and he'd only gotten as far as N6. He had yet to receive a recommendation for N7. He'd followed even closer after the Blitz. She'd all but single-handedly managed to save the whole colony. Not for the first time, he thought that if she'd been on Fehl Prime, she'd have been able to save both the colonists and the intel, something he'd failed to do. She was ten times the soldier he would ever be. He'd worshiped her from afar for years. The knowledge that he was now responsible for her safety was bizarre.

The thing he supposed surprised him the most about her was how _normal_ she was. In his mind, she'd been larger than life, a powerhouse, a force of nature. In reality, she was a normal woman who ate and slept and read books. She listened to music and drank tea and was always cold. The first time he'd seen her padding around the apartment in thick, fuzzy blue socks, he'd almost choked. She kept the thermostat turned up but still generally wore at least a sweatshirt during her down time. He'd grown up in southern California. He didn't mind the heat and it was welcome, especially now when winter had begun to tighten its grip on Vancouver, but even he didn't get _that_ cold here.

Of course, she had a lot less mass than he did. He'd been told he radiated heat like a turian due to his size. She was much smaller than he was. That wasn't uncommon, but hell, she was downright tiny in person and out of her armor. He'd caught her climbing onto countertops more than once to search the upper cabinets. Her stubbornness had shown itself in that when he'd offered to get what she needed for her and she'd turned him down. She'd also refused to rearrange the kitchen to make things easier for her to reach. He thought that would mean both conceding defeat and that she was going to be here long enough for it to matter. She'd put no personal touches on the apartment even though she was allowed to and treated it more like a hotel than a home. He supposed he couldn't blame her.

Her appearance was another thing that had surprised him. He'd seen pictures of her, of course, but he'd never seen her in the flesh. He supposed she was pretty enough, but she was nowhere near the league of, say, the asari. That didn't seem to matter to most men and a lot of women. He'd caught the looks that people gave her. She might not be smoking hot, but there was something about her that couldn't be put into words that drew the eye. She was toned and trim and seemed far too fragile in her civvies for him to be able to truly imagine her charging at an enemy. Her hair was nice. Her cheekbones were high. Her nose was slightly crooked, probably from being broken more than once. Her lips were one of her more outstanding features, but he did his best not to focus on them. It was her eyes, though, that caught his attention and held it.

It wasn't the color or even the shape of them that drew him. It was the look. She had this way of looking at a person that made him feel like she was seeing into him, stripping him bare of more than just his clothing. It was unnerving at times. Beyond that, though, he thought it was the pain lurking below the surface that resonated with him. He supposed he couldn't really be surprised. He knew she'd lost her family when she was younger and a lot of her crew on the first _Normandy_. He'd heard rumors that her suicide mission had ended up actually being suicidal for many of her squad. Shepard was no stranger to loss and death.


	2. Chapter 2

Four weeks. She'd been in the brig for four weeks now. A month had passed, a month in which she could have been out helping the galaxy prepare. She took a deep breath and called upon the meditation techniques Thane and Samara had taught her to calm herself and the biotics that threatened to flare when her emotions began to roil her normally placid surface. It was easier to keep that surface still when most of her problems could be solved with a bullet. It was harder to do so when they were repeatedly barking the same questions, accusing her with their tones, judging her with their eyes, and she was required to be the civil one.

She despised this limbo. She wasn't Alliance anymore, but she was expected to dress and act the part. Alliance but not Alliance. She hadn't had a choice regarding her work with Cerberus and had done everything she could while working for them to help the Alliance. Traitor and not a traitor. She'd sent hundreds of thousands of batarians to their deaths but had done so to save the galaxy. Terrorist and not a terrorist. They didn't know what to do with her. She technically outranked all of them and was outside the law, but the Council had refused to intervene on her behalf. Spectre and not a Spectre. She could leave at any point, but she was in the brig. Prisoner and not a prisoner.

"Ms. Shepard, where were you during the time between April 10, 2183, and January 5, 2185?" one of the Committee members asked.

"It's _Agent_ Shepard, sir," she corrected. She may not have rank in the Alliance anymore, but damned if she was going to let them strip her of the one that mattered. She was not going to let them forget that she was still a Spectre, no matter how much they might want to do so. "My body was in several locations during that time including Alchera, Omega, and Lazarus Station. I'm not entirely sure on the dates because I was dead at the time."

"Yes, you've mentioned that," one of the women said sourly. "Agent Shepard, surely you recognize that this calls the entirety of your testimony into question. You claim to have died in the attack on the Normandy, but yet you are sitting here in front of us, clearly alive. Your body was never found among the victims of the attack."

"Dr. Chakwas can provide you with data corroborating my death and... resurrection," Shepard said. "As can Miranda Lawson."

"Both of whom worked for Cerberus alongside you," the first man said. "We have no way to know that their data has not been falsified."

"The cybernetics throughout my body should lend credence to their data," she said tightly. "Or do you think those were implanted while I was alive or that the injuries sustained to warrant that kind of hardware were survivable?"

"We are asking the questions, Agent," another man said.

"Then perhaps you should think them through more thoroughly," she snapped. "This is a waste of my time." _Breathe, Shepard_ , she reminded herself. "The Reapers are coming. You should be preparing for them, not interrogating me about the same things over and over again. My answers will not change. I was spaced when the Collectors attacked the Normandy. The seals on my suit ruptured and my oxygen vented out. How the fuck do you think I survived that?"

So much for maintaining her professional demeanor. She'd clearly spent far too much time dealing with the Illusive Man where she could at least speak freely without fear of repercussion from him. She continued, "What about reentry? The ablative plating on armor is not designed to withstand the heat of reentry, nor to absorb the force of a body falling at terminal velocity through the atmosphere onto solid ice. My crew watched me die. Their accounts are listed in their reports. If I somehow did survive all of that, you should have me in a lab rather than an interrogation room, so that you could find out how the hell I managed to become immortal!"

"Agent Shepard, sit down," the committeewoman barked. Only then did Shepard realize that she'd risen from her chair and was jabbing a finger through the air at them. She sat.

"Let's move on from this line of questioning," the quieter third man said. "Agent Shepard, let us presume for the moment that you did, in fact, die and were somehow brought back. Why did you not immediately return to the Alliance?"

"I did," she said. "I came to the Citadel as soon as I had control of the ship. I spoke with Councilor Anderson. There was never any mention of reinstatement. Had the Alliance been willing to do so and to act against the Collectors, I would have returned to the military immediately. The Alliance wasn't willing to do that. The Collectors had to be stopped. Cerberus was willing to fund the mission. I worked cooperatively with them for that purpose. I did not participate in any tasks that undermined the Alliance or were outside of the bounds of my Spectre authority. In fact, I provided intel on Cerberus to the Alliance on more than one occasion. As soon as my mission was complete, I broke all ties with Cerberus."

"What can you tell us about the Illusive Man?" he asked and she shifted gears accordingly.

She said, "Caucasian male, mid-to-late forties, graying hair, cybernetic blue eyes, average build. I never saw him in person or had a set frame of reference, so I'm not certain about his height, but I believe he's taller than average. He has no discernible accent but a distinctive voice. No identifying marks or scars beyond the eyes. Heavy smoker, moderate drinker. I don't know where his base is, but I believe it's near a dying star unless the background I saw was some sort of projection. He communicates primarily via QEC.

"He's...brilliant, ruthless, single-minded in his goals. He keeps a lot of plates spinning but doesn't let the right hand know what the left is doing. He prefers not to micromanage. He recruits specialists, gives them their task and the resources they need, and expects them to get results. From what I witnessed, he treats his people with dignity and respect if one doesn't mind deliberately being given bad intel and sent into traps or his attempts at manipulation. He's arrogant but takes criticism well from those he considers worthy. He isn't precisely xenophobic. He'll work with aliens, but only if it furthers his goal of advancing humanity at all costs. Once they're no longer useful to that goal, they're expendable." 

"Do you know his name?" the first man asked.

"No," she said. "I only ever heard him referred to by his moniker."

"Speaking of working with aliens," the woman said, "we have concerns regarding the crew you recruited. A wanted criminal, a vigilante, a mercenary, a thief, and an assassin? We understand your decision to continue working with Officer Vakarian, but it seems that Tali’Zorah, the salarian doctor, and the asari justicar were the only truly respectable individuals present. Yet you did not hesitate to show all of them a classified military vessel and expose them to Alliance strategies."

She wondered where they'd gotten the information on her crew. Most of that wasn't common knowledge. She really hoped they didn't know about EDI. She said, "Every single one of them was chosen for a particular skill at which they were second to none. They were loyal to me, not to the Illusive Man or Cerberus. They performed their duty with courage and skill without regard to whether the people they were trying to save were of their own species. They are and were exceptional individuals and I judged them by their actions, not their pasts, while they were under my command just as I did when I formed my crew to hunt Saren. Several of them gave their lives without hesitation or reservation and I will not sit here and listen to you disparage them."

The first man said, "Speaking of their pasts, we understand one member of your crew had an extensive history with the batarians, a member with whom you were allegedly involved on an intimate basis. Thane Krios' wife was murdered by batarian slavers, is that correct?"

 _That bastard_. The Illusive Man was the only one who had both access to that information and the motive to give it to the Alliance. She was still too raw, too battered where Thane was concerned to discuss him with these people. Thane was gone, but the drive to protect him was immediate. Irikah's death and what he'd done to avenge it was none of their damn business. 

She said tightly, "When I made the call, it wasn't the past I was thinking about but the immediate future." She rose from her seat. "And now I'm done. You can either have Lieutenant Vega escort me back to my quarters or I'll go there on my own."

"Sit down, Agent Shepard!" the second man ordered.

She glowered at him. "No. I would like to remind you that I am here of my own volition. I don't take orders from any of you. The Alliance listed me as killed in action. When I was brought back, the Alliance declined the opportunity to reinstate me; at which point, our official association was terminated. The Alliance has no right to question me about events that occurred when I was not affiliated with it. I am answering those questions as a courtesy, but I will not sit here while you cowards try to fashion a noose around my neck for doing what needed to be done to save you because you're too busy trying to cover your asses to see what's right in front of you!"

"Agent Shepard--" the woman began.

Shepard cut her off with a slash of her hand. "No. My personal life is none of your business. The personal lives of my associates are none of your business. The next time you decide to move your line of questioning in that direction, I advise you to reconsider; otherwise, I will be out that door. I will take my ship and I will leave humanity to the mercy of the Reapers."

She was furious by the time the marine joined her. He was customarily quiet as they walked the halls back to the detention bloc, but once they were in her apartment, he let out a low whistle. "Rough day, Commander?"

"You could say that," she said and turned on the stereo in the hopes that it would calm her seething nerves.

"You, ah, seem to like music, Commander," he said hesitantly.

Of all the days for him to finally decide he wanted to talk, this was not the right one. Still, she answered, "I do."

"You play any?" he asked.

"Violin," she said tersely. "Unfortunately, it's still on the _Normandy_."

He was blessedly quiet after that and she retreated to her bedroom. She wanted to be alone. Hearing the Committee describe her crew--and especially Thane--that way had infuriated her. He deserved better than their disdain. He was a better man than any of them. Gods, she missed him. She would give anything to see his face or to hear his voice or feel his arms around her again. She lay on her bed in the dark, staring at the bare wall, and remembered.

 

oOoOoOo

 

"I'm telling you, Admirals, she's gonna snap on them," Vega said. "They've got her in that chamber or a tiny room almost every day questioning her for hours and she's coming out angrier and angrier. Technically, sir, all you have her here on right now is professional courtesy. That's only going to go so far if she doesn't start getting treated with some respect rather than like a damn criminal."

"What do you suggest?" Anderson said. "I've been monitoring her sessions. I know she's angry. I know she's stressed, but they aren't being unreasonable with her. You may not believe it, son, but I want to help her. That's why we went to Omega and recruited you for this."

Vega ran his hands through his mohawk and said, "Sir, she's going stir crazy. She needs some kind of outlet. She hasn't seen the sun except through a window or breathed fresh air in five weeks. It's one thing when you're on a ship out in space but planetside, that's rough. Let me at least take her out to run, sir. Give her a shield generator and it doesn't increase her risk. You and I both know that if she wanted to leave, all she'd have to do is demand to speak with the Council and they'd order her release. She isn't gonna run off."

"We'll consider it," Hackett said over the QEC connection.

 _Might as well go for broke_ , Vega thought. "A few more things, sir. Let her have a beer every now and then. It'll get her to loosen up. She doesn't really talk to anyone but the Committee. She doesn't talk to me. She isn't allowed outside contact. She's had no visitors. Her old crew either can't or won't see her. I know for sure she hasn't talked to Morris. He'll do his job but he hates her. She needs to be able to talk to somebody."

"And the other thing?" Hackett asked.

"She did mention a violin," he said. "She said it was on the _Normandy_."

Anderson nodded. "I know the one. She had it on the SR-1 and I heard her play it once. She's good. Joker probably knows where she keeps it now. I'll have him pick it up the next time he's on the ship."

"Thank you, sir," Vega said.

"No," Anderson said. "Thank you. Shepard doesn't have that many people at her back right now. I'm glad you're willing to stand up for her. I'd talk to her, but it won't do any good. She's too angry with me right now."

"Not as angry as she is with me," Hackett said to Anderson. "She feels like I threw her under the bus."

Vega didn't blame her. The two admirals had only risen in power because of her. After the Battle of the Citadel, she'd been the one to choose Anderson as humanity's new councilor. Hackett had been promoted to the head of the Navy even though she had been the one ultimately coordinating the attack from the ground. She'd compiled the intel. She'd made the calls. They'd reaped the rewards while she'd been sent out into the Terminus to die. It was common that higher ranking officials got the credit while their subordinates who did the brunt of the work and took the majority of the risk got little of it, but the difference in this case was all the more evident. Anderson, at least, had stepped down from his Council position in order to be able to support Shepard, but he'd still been made an admiral while she was stripped of her rank altogether.

Anderson turned to him and said, "We'll get back to you about letting her go outside. As far as the violin and the beer, go ahead if you think that'll help. I'll get the instrument to you as soon as I can. Dismissed."

"Thank you, sir," Vega said, snapping off a salute.

He stopped by the store on his way to her apartment and picked up a case of beer and a pizza. The cafeteria food at HQ was decent, but who didn't love pizza and beer? He had a deck of cards in his quarters across from hers and decided he'd bring those, too. It wasn't technically his day to watch her, but Morris really did hate her. She always seemed tense when he relieved the other marine. Maybe he could get her to lighten up for a little while. He hadn't been exaggerating. She was wound tight and drawing in on herself, he thought as he went through the first security checkpoint into HQ.

Shepard had been quiet and kept to herself even in the beginning. He somehow didn't think that was her usual M.O. Her crew spoke far too highly and personally about her for that to be the norm. She made an effort to get to know them and she cared; otherwise, they wouldn't care so much about her. He figured her reticence with him was a combination of unhappiness over her situation and seeing him as a warden rather than a bodyguard. He wanted to change that.

She looked surprised and slightly confused when he came through her door carrying his gifts. Morris gladly took the reprieve and Shepard said, "What's going on, Lieutenant? It's your night off."

He shrugged and placed the pizza on the table before tossing her a beer. She caught it in the air and looked at it like she didn't recognize it. "I'm not supposed to have alcohol," she protested.

"New regs," he said. "You can drink now as long as you don't get hammered all the time or show up drunk to your...to the Committee. I talked to Anderson."

"Thanks," she said and flashed him a smile that, while small, was still enough to make his heart skip a beat. Damn, she was pretty when she smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

James gaped at the shrink sitting across from Shepard. This was a damn witch hunt. Could they even do this? He didn't think he had any business sitting in on her sessions with the psych doc, but he'd been ordered to be by her side every moment she wasn't in the apartment or the Committee and that apparently extended to this, too. His arguments had been overridden. So far, they hadn't gotten too personal. It had been the standard evaluation questions one would expect from a military shrink, trying to figure out her baseline personality and way of thinking. Now, however, they'd moved into the specifics and were delving into things that were none of his business. Hell, half of her damn file was redacted and he was positive that the doc was getting into those areas. He didn't have the security clearance for this shit.

More than that, though, it upset him that she was being asked to go into things that were deeply personal without even the guise of doctor/patient confidentiality. He was fairly certain that this was violating about three dozen privacy laws. Of course, the military looked at that a bit differently than civilians did, but that didn't make it right. He wouldn't want to talk about Fehl Prime with her sitting right there. He was sure she wouldn't want to talk about Elysium with him there. Shepard didn't like talking about Elysium. She refused interviews, had turned down a book deal, and he'd only seen her wear the Star of Terra when it was absolutely required. He knew she had a ton of other medals, but she didn't wear those, either, unless she was in full mess dress.

"Did you hear me, Agent Shepard?" the aging male doctor asked.

"I heard you," she said. "However, given that answering that question requires dissemination of classified material and I'm unaware of your or Lieutenant Vega's clearances, I am attempting to find a way to answer that without conveying sensitive information."

"We both have TS/SCI clearances," the doctor answered and Vega lifted a brow. They did? That was news to him. Dr. Shelton passed a datapad to her and she read it carefully before returning it.

"What do you want to know?" she asked.

"What was your first thought when you realized the invaders were batarians?" Shelton asked.

"I hoped they hadn't brought along any vorcha because I didn't have armor and flamethrowers are nasty business," she answered.

"Why had you chosen Elysium for shore leave?" he asked.

"I wanted to go skiing," she answered.

"Did you know anyone on the colony?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"You chose to go on vacation alone. Why?" Shelton asked.

"I like being alone," she said. "I live my life on ships surrounded by people. When I'm on shore leave, I like to get away and recharge."

"You grew up on the streets, didn't you?" Shelton asked and Shepard's eyes darkened. "Why did you leave the foster system?"

"My foster parents were abusive and the social services system refused to rehome me," she said and Vega winced. 'Rehome.' Like a dog. He didn't want to hear about her childhood abuse. "I decided I was better off on my own."

Shelton looked down at his datapad and said, "I have a copy of your juvenile criminal record here."

"That was expunged when I joined the Alliance," she interjected. "You cannot legally use that against me."

Shelton's voice was full of insincere reassurance when he said, "I'm not your adversary, Agent Shepard. My job is not to use anything against you. My job is to evaluate your psychological status so that I can assist you in putting your choices into context. Legally, these events may have been cleared from the record, but we aren't looking at this from a legal standpoint. These are events that occurred in your life which shaped the person you've become."

"I was a child," she said tightly. "I am not a child anymore."

"Precisely," the doctor said. "And childhood is referred to as a person's formative years for a reason. Now, the charges listed here primarily consist of theft of property, vagrancy, vandalism, and trespassing."

"I stole to eat," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "They call it vandalism and trespassing when they don't want to charge a kid with B&E because she broke a window to get into an abandoned building to get out of the cold. Next question."

"Those actually weren't the ones that concerned me," Shelton said. "Prostitution?"

Shepard's nails bit into her arm hard enough that the skin over her knuckles turned white and he wouldn't have been surprised to see her bleed. He pointedly looked away and tried to pretend that he was thoroughly invested in examining a gouge in the linoleum floor. He didn't think he'd ever felt so uncomfortable in his life. Her voice was hard enough to cut diamond when she said, "Have you ever experienced a Chicago winter, Doctor?"

"I was raised here in Vancouver," the doc answered. "I know what cold feels like, if that's what you're asking."

"You have no idea," she said. "The _record_ low temperature for Vancouver is Chicago's _average_ low. We spend a third of the year below freezing. That year, we had record lows and I'm talking average temperature for the Arctic. Noveria is warmer. Do you know what hypothermia feels like? Do you know what it feels like to freeze?"

"No," the doctor said.

"It hurts," she answered, leaning forward and propping her forearms on her knees. Her tone was even and she sounded like she was instructing rather than describing something she'd experienced. "First, you notice the bite of the air and the wind feels like knives stabbing all over your body. You pull your rags tighter and you stuff wet pine needles you've pulled out of the snow in the park and trash you've scavenged from dumpsters and anything you can find into them because you know you need the insulation. You shiver, but shivering isn't really the right word to use for someone who hasn't ever been that cold. It's violent, closer to convulsions than trembling. It's painful. And then it stops and that's even worse because now your entire body's locked into the worst charley horse you've ever felt in your life.

"And then you get tired. Your mind gets sluggish and fuzzy and it's hard to think. You know you're in danger. You know you need to get somewhere warm, but you've spent the day walking around the city to find that the shelters are all full and no one's going to take in a grubby street rat. Fear has become a foreign concept, an ephemeral shimmer of something that you know should be real but isn't. Apathy hits first and then stupor. Your body isn't even trying to warm itself anymore. Your own mother could walk up to you and you wouldn't recognize her. You aren't breathing as much and your heart's beginning to stutter. And then the hallucinations begin."

James had stopped pretending to look at the floor and was now staring openly at her as she described something he had no frame of reference to imagine. He'd never truly been cold. He'd thought he'd been cold, but he realized now that he'd felt nothing closer than chill. For someone who'd grown up basking in the hot sun on a southern California beach, her description was that of hell on Earth. He thought he understood now why she was constantly bundled up, why she wore thick socks around the apartment and kept the thermostat on high.

Shepard didn't acknowledge his presence and continued. "The hallucinations are nice. You're back home, sitting in your dad's lap in front of the fireplace with music in the background. You're safe and warm and happy. But then the fire jumps out and wraps itself around you and you're burning. You rip off the few clothes you have on in a desperate attempt to get cool again because the cold you felt before was better than this. Not surprisingly, it doesn't help because the problem isn't outside of your body; it's inside. The blood vessels near the surface have finally dilated and you feel like you're bathing in lava. And then comes a moment of clarity when you realize that you're dying, that you've just discarded the last defense you had and now you're lying half-naked in the snow while the wind from Lake Michigan roars between skyscrapers full of people who don't give a shit about the dying girl below. And then it all goes dark.

"But you're not dead until you're warm and dead. Until then, you're in stasis. If you're lucky, there's a boy who stumbles across your snow-covered body and risks being accused of sexual assault to put your clothes back on and _if_ you're lucky, he carries you to a hospital and they're able to warm you back up without killing you in the process and you wake up to find your body throbbing with pain, with blisters all over your extremities where ice formed between the cells in the tissue and _if_ you're lucky, they heal rather than needing to be amputated.”

Now, her voice turned bitter. "And if you're _lucky_ , the next night when the cold returns and your rags are even more tattered now because they had to be cut off of your rigid body, a man offers to take you to a hotel and give you some money and you get to be warm and fed and you can take a hot shower even though there's mildew all over the walls and you get to sleep in a real bed even if you do wake up with lice and bug bites and a stranger's sweat all over you the next morning and you get to buy clothes so that you don't get _unlucky_ the next night and end up warm and dead. So, yeah, I fucked a guy for money once because the alternative was hell. Now, why don't you tell me what the fuck that has to do with Aratoht?"

James needed a drink. Suddenly, his druggie father and dead mother didn't seem like such a shitty hand to be dealt. He'd had Tío Emilio. He'd had a house, unpleasant as it may have been. He'd always had food and clean clothes and a warm place to sleep. He'd never had to wander the streets as a child, getting turned away again and again as the temperature fell and the sky darkened and he wondered if he would survive the night. And that was just one night. It might have been the worst night, but he was certain that it hadn't been the only one like it. She'd been through more as a niñita than he ever had.

"It's all relevant, Agent Shepard," the psychologist said. James had almost forgotten him, but now his attention was locked onto him. There was no empathy there, no compassion, just a cold calculation. James wanted to punch him in the face. "I'm surprised you chose skiing for an off-duty hobby."

"I had a scarf," she said acidly. "Are we done yet?"

The doctor glanced at his omni-tool and said, "This is a three-hour session. We're only an hour in."

James groaned. He wanted to go stand outside the door. He didn't think he could handle any more of this. This really wasn't any of his business and he had no right to these revelations about her. He didn't want to think about her almost freezing to death because people were so callous that they'd leave a little girl lying in the snow. He didn't want to think about her being forced to sell her body to save her life. He wouldn't leave even if he'd been allowed to, though, because he was sure now that the shrink was a sadist and he didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone with him. It was his job to protect her from everyone, even those in the Alliance. He wasn't sure this doc had been screened by either Anderson or Hackett. He couldn't see either of them picking this guy. That meant that he could have ties to Cerberus or the batarians or he might just hate Shepard. Next time, though, he was bringing earplugs.

 

oOoOoOo

 

Shepard stared down in shock at the case the marine had just given her. She didn't have to ask what it held. She would recognize it anywhere. Out of habit, her hand stroked over the tough black material. She'd had it custom designed after Liara had returned it to her a year ago. The asari had followed her orders when she'd sent her to help evacuate the ship, but she had made a detour that Shepard hadn't been aware of at the time. Liara hadn't just saved Shepard's body, she'd also saved the one possession that had mattered to her at the time. If she hadn't, it certainly would have been destroyed and with it, the only link to her past and the family she no longer had. Shepard had commissioned the case to ensure that its contents would survive anything short of a direct hit from a Reaper.

"How did you get this?" she asked slowly.

"I asked Admiral Anderson for it," he said. "I thought it might help with...all this."

Her eyes flew up to the marine's dark chocolate ones. "Thank you," she said, feeling like she was seeing him for the first time.

When Anderson had introduced him, Shepard had assumed he was yet another overly muscled grunt who likely took orders well but didn't have much else to recommend him. As he was neither crew nor enemy and he did what he was told, she hadn't felt the need to look deeper. She realized now that she should have. He'd surprised her. She hadn't expected insight or compassion from him. To his credit, he was good at playing the part of the shallow, dumb grunt who kept his mouth shut, but she still should have seen through the façade long ago. She'd spent more than a month in his presence. He had listened to some of her deepest secrets and most shameful aspects of her past and yet she had known little more about him when she'd woken this morning than she had the day she'd met him.

Granted, she hadn't really wanted to get to know him. After the disaster that was the Collector mission, she'd decided that she'd finally reached the end of her rope. She had very few friends left that she could trust and about whom she cared. She'd decided that was enough. She had learned her lesson about forming attachments to people over whom she held the power of life and death and whose job it was to die at her order during the hunt for Saren. She'd vowed not to make that mistake again. It was too painful when they died or defected. It was too hard to send them into almost certain death.

She had tried to carry the lessons from the first _Normandy_ into the Collector mission and had succeeded with most of them, but some had gotten under her skin. That those who had done so made up the bulk of the ones who'd survived—with the notable exception of one—now made her think that perhaps she'd been wrong to shut the others out. Maybe she was making a mistake by keeping this marine at a distance. Maybe she could be the difference between his life and death in a positive way rather than a negative one for once.

Grief washed over her and she decided to leave her musings about the marine for another time. She finally held the weapon she'd needed and she intended to utilize it to at least temporarily neutralize the demons rising up to tear at her soul. "Thank you," she said again and carried the case to her room. She couldn't find true privacy here, but she couldn't draw out the shattered pieces of her soul in front of someone who was still a virtual stranger even if he had been forced to listen to her speak about them. She'd told the doctor what had happened, not how she'd felt about it. This was different. In this, his insight was a drawback. She might have been able to play in front of a dumb grunt who faded into the woodwork. She couldn't do it in front of a man whose dark eyes saw far too much.

The heavy clasps opened with a click and she gazed down at the instrument resting in front of her. The sleek wood gleamed under the overhead lights. She traced its graceful curves with her fingers. This violin had belonged to her father and his mother before him. He'd taught her to play it when she was six years old. He had been killed in a skycar crash on the way to her recital. She hadn't touched the instrument for almost a year until her mother had told her that she was dishonoring his memory by refusing to play. It had been a rare point of truth in the midst of increasingly incoherent babbling as her mother slipped further from reality.

When her mom had finally joined her dad, the violin had been the only thing that Shepard had kept. She'd dragged it from foster home to foster home. When she'd finally decided that she was better off outside of the system, she'd found places to hide it to keep it safe from the other street rats. It had gone with her to basic and AIT and then on deployments. The only times she hadn't had it had been when she'd left it with Anderson during ICT or when she'd been sent to places with atmospheres that would have damaged it.

She tightened and rosined the bow before lifting the violin from its case. Its familiar weight settled on her shoulder. The bow drew smoothly across the strings as she began to play a piece from memory. One by one, she picked up and examined the sources of her grief and fed them through her hands, into the bow, and out through the strings, translating emotion to sound, and weeping in the only way she knew how. She mourned her father, her mother, her boyfriend in the Reds who'd been shot by a cop, the kid who'd helped her hold back the batarians on Elysium, Ash on Virmire, her crew on the first _Normandy_. She poured out her sorrow for Jacob and Samara. The instrument sang her regret over Aratoht. Most of all, though, she bled for Thane.

 

oOoOoOo

 

 _Holy shit_ , Vega thought as the music drifted from the bedroom, _she's_ good, _like really good. Like professional good._ If she ever decided to lay down her rifle, she'd have no problem finding a new line of work. He wondered why she'd decided to join the Alliance in the first place. It had made sense when she'd just been a street rat, but this was real talent. There was no way she'd been able to learn to play like that while in the military or on the streets. She could have made a career out of performing. With talent like that, she could have played anywhere and drawn crowds from all over the galaxy.

It wasn't his kind of music. He favored stuff with a little more spice over the classical stuff she liked. Where he'd come from, beat-up old guitars and drums made from overturned buckets were the norm. The stuff they'd played had been something you could move your hips to, upbeat rhythms that defied the gloom of struggling every day just to make ends meet in a run-down shack. Thanks to Tío Emilio and his abuela, James had grown up in one of the few actual houses in his barrio. It had been a nice one as long as his madre had been alive, a two-story modular building on stilts right on the beach. Under Josh Sanders' care, the place had turned into a hovel just like the rest that surrounded it. His neighbors had been hardworking, good people, though, and the nights when they'd break out their guitars and make-shift drums while the smell of fajitas drifted through the salty air had saved his sanity.

This was very different from the music that had been the backdrop of his youth, but he could still appreciate it. There was something haunting about it that made him feel once again like he was intruding on something very private. At the same time, he felt like she'd looked into him and discovered all of the grief and guilt he'd felt over Fehl Prime and was transcribing it into something more appropriately recognized with the soul than the ears. His throat tightened. He swallowed hard, trying to force April's little voice from his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song she's playing is based on Taylor Davis' cover of Bleach's "Never Meant to Belong", recommended by one of my readers in a different story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ7fsaj-8jc  
> This is not going to be a song fic, but there were a couple that influenced the storyline that will be mentioned.


	4. Chapter 4

James shuffled the cards as Shepard took a long sip of her beer. He was momentarily distracted by the way her long fingers trailed over the condensation on the bottle and forced himself to focus. He'd finally convinced her to play with him and he was kicking her ass. He'd expected her to be a better poker player. Those eyes of hers gave more away than she realized and she was a shitty liar. If the Committee had ever seen her try to lie, they wouldn't be wasting so much time trying to catch her in one. She was that bad at it.

She leaned back in her chair as he dealt the cards and eyed him consideringly. He'd gotten more used to the way she looked at people and only felt vaguely uncomfortable rather than completely exposed now. "Tell me about you, Vega," she said casually.

"What do you want to know, Commander?" he said. "You've seen my files."

"I haven't, actually," she said with a shrug.

"You want a list of my qualifications or are you talking more personal?" he asked.

"Personal," she answered. "Who are you, Vega?"

He shrugged. "Just a guy. Born and raised in Solana Beach, California. Mom's dead. Dad's out of the picture. I've got an uncle, a few cousins. Joined the Alliance when I was eighteen. Been here ever since. What about you?" he asked. He'd made a habit of ignoring anything he heard in her sessions with the shrink. It allowed her to tell him her story in her own words rather than acknowledging that he'd heard the truths she was forced to give up to the Alliance. 

She took another sip of her beer and he tried not to stare at the way her slender throat worked as she swallowed. She finally decided to play along and said, "Just a girl. I grew up in Chicago. Parents are dead. No other family. Joined the Alliance when I was eighteen. Been here ever since."

"Touché, Commander," he said, recognizing the dig at the bare bones answer he'd given her. The problem was that far too much of his history was just too deep to get into with someone like her. She had her own demons, sure, but he was still certain she'd never fucked up as badly as he had.

"Why'd you join?" she asked.

He said, "To get away. You?"

"Same," she answered.

They played the rest of the hand in companionable silence and then she said, "So, Lieutenant, got a girlfriend, boyfriend, waiting back home?"

Was she trying to see if he was available? He looked at her sharply, but there was only mild curiosity on her face. No. She was still just trying to get a feel for him. He answered, "No. There, ah, was this asari chick that might have...but it didn't work out and fraternization regs kind of put a damper on that kind of thing within the military. What about you?"

"No," she said and looked down at her cards. She wasn't just checking her hand. There was a story there, too. He was surprised when she added, "There was...someone but...it didn't work out." She reached for her beer and his theory was confirmed when she drained it in one and then pushed back from the table and strode toward the kitchen. "Want another?" she asked, chucking the empty bottle into the waste receptacle before reaching into the cooler. 

"Sure," he said. "Just one, though. I'm technically still on duty."

"I never have been able to get drunk on beer," she informed him with a slight frown at the bottles in her hand. "According to Dr. Chakwas, I've got the constitution of a krogan. Takes ryncol to get me anything more than slightly tipsy."

"Not a cheap date, huh?" he asked with a grin as she handed him the bottle. The tips of her fingers slid against his and he felt like lightning had shot through him. He told himself it was just the typical electrical discharge biotics sometimes gave off until he remembered that she didn't have an amp. No amp, no excess buildup, no shock. That had just been her.

"No," she said, returning his grin. "Unless I'm on Tuchanka, of course."

"Yeah, but who goes on dates on Tuchanka?" he asked with a laugh.

She cocked her head and said warmly, "I guess it depends on what you qualify as a date. Taking down a thresher maw on foot and then celebrating with a bunch of krogan can be a lot more fun than you'd think."

"Is that experience talking?" he asked, sure she was joking.

"Yeah," she said, resuming her seat and picking up her cards. "It was...a good day."

"Wait," he said. "You're telling me you took down a thresher maw on foot?"

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "I had a Cain," she added, as if that explained everything.

He won that round and the next and then said, "Tell me, Commander, what's the weirdest weapon you've ever used?"

"Biotics," she answered immediately. "I was a very mild biotic before I died. I could make a barrier flicker for a few seconds or float a glass of water across a room if I needed to, but that was the extent of it. Miranda said she'd brought me back exactly the way I was before, but something was done to my eezo nodules during the reconstruction because I woke up a damn vanguard. I had to completely relearn how to fight in order to utilize it."

"Must have been weird, no? How'd you find out? Did they tell you or did you figure it out on your own?" he asked, wondering what it would be like to wake up with biotics.

She laughed. "I sneezed and charged. Fortunately, I was already in the med bay because I had no clue how to stop myself and I knocked myself out cold. That's why my nose is crooked. Went face-first into the bulkhead. And, of course, none of the biotics on my team knew how to charge. I had help with the rest, but had to figure that one out on my own. I like it now, though. I can take out ranged targets and then be in the middle of the fray in an instant. What's your weirdest weapon?"

"A vid screen," he chuckled, remembering Omega. "I beat some batarians with it."

"Why?" she asked, leaning back with a smile.

"They were talking shit about you," he said. "Had to put them in their place, you know?"

"That's...kind of sweet, Vega," she said. "But you didn't even know me. How did you know they weren't telling the truth?"

He shrugged. He wasn't about to tell her how he'd studied her or tried to emulate her. He couldn't tell her she was his hero and that he'd made every decision in his career based on the answer to a simple question: What would Shepard do? So, he said, "I just did."

 

oOoOoOo

 

Shepard woke with a scream caught in her throat and the sound of heavy feet pounding toward her room. The door opened and Vega burst in with his rifle across his chest and his eyes darting to corners and shadows. Before she could catch her breath, he'd cleared both the bedroom and the bathroom and turned to look at her in confusion. She raised a hand and said, "Nightmare," as she attempted to slow her racing heart and her rapid breathing.

"Oh. Shit. Sorry," he said, reaching up to rub the back of his thick neck with his hand.

His eyes traveled over her before he jerked them away and stared pointedly at the ceiling. She didn't sleep naked--she was well aware there was a man in the next room--but she supposed the sports bra she was wearing was close enough to make him uncomfortable. She rolled her eyes. "I'm more covered than I would be for a day at the beach, Vega. You've clearly never served on a frigate with communal showers."

"I have, actually," he said. "I just wasn't expecting...anyway, you okay? You wanna talk about it?"

"No," she answered.

"I can respect that," he said and turned to go. "Night, Commander."

She didn't want him to go. It wasn't necessarily that she wanted him in particular. She just didn't want to be alone at the moment. "Wait," she said and leaned forward to place her face in her hands. She heard him turn. "What's the worst call you've ever made?"

"With all due respect, ma'am," he said, "you'll have to get me drunk or...well...drunk before I'll answer that one."

"Why is it when someone says, 'With all due respect,' what they really mean is 'kiss my ass'?" she asked, echoing Ash's words on Virmire. She'd meant it as a joke but... _Oh, Ash. I'm so sorry._

"That's a question for the ages, ma'am," he said and left.

She laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling as images of the dead floated through her mind. Her heart had stopped pounding and now it just hurt. Too many had died. She'd handled it when her life had consisted of running from one battle into the next, but she had far too much time on her hands to examine the blood that bathed them. She doubted they would ever feel clean again. She rolled onto her side and was reaching for the violin case under her bed when the door opened again and Vega entered with a cup rather than his rifle in his hands. She sat up and looked at him curiously.

"My abuela swore by _té de yerba buena_ when I had trouble sleeping," he said, passing her a steaming mug of peppermint tea.

"Thank you," she said, looking from the cup to his face. He'd surprised her yet again.

She slept soundly after that but woke with a pounding head and a heaviness in her chest that had nothing to do with emotion. The wet cough that came when she sat up made her think of Thane, but she pushed that away and tried to swallow through a throat that felt like she'd swallowed blades of glass. She dragged herself from the bed and into the living room on heavy feet. Vega was cooking eggs on the stove and she greeted him with, "You decide to poison me last night, Vega? The batarians finally get to you?"

He jumped and the pan rattled against the stove loudly enough to make her wince. " _Dios_!" he exclaimed. "Warn me before you sneak up on me like that! What the hell are you talking about?"

"It was a joke," she said and coughed into her elbow with a groan. "You probably want to keep your distance, though. I'm sick."

He immediately removed the pan from the stove and came over to her, using his fingertips to tilt her head up so that he could look down into her face. His brown eyes darkened with concern and he gently placed the back of his hand against her forehead in a move that no one had done since her father had died. "You're burning up, Commander," he said. "I'll call the doc."

"It's just a cold," she said, waving him off. "Nothing the doc can do."

"You can't be sure of that," he said.

Half an hour later, there was a knock on the door. Vega went to it and instructed the person on the other side to identify himself. As she'd expected, it was the doctor he'd called. Vega stood to the side but kept a wary eye on the doc as he examined Shepard. He allowed the doctor to scan her but ran one of his own on the doctor's gloves to check for poisons or toxins before allowing him to physically examine her. The doctor confirmed her diagnosis, informed them that there was nothing she could do but rest, gave Vega an immunobooster, and left.

"I told you so," she said.

"Yeah, yeah," he said. "Anderson would have had my balls if I'd known you were sick and hadn't called the doc. You hungry yet?"

"No," she said, moving to the couch to lie down and look out the window. She felt terrible. "With all the advances in modern medicine, you'd think they'd have found a cure for the common cold by now." Instead, from what she'd learned, it had only gotten worse as its competition was driven out. Now, it was closer to a combination of what influenza and pneumonia had once been than a simple illness that just made one sore and congested. Antivirals had come a long way in the last century or two, but the cold had managed to defeat all of them. Vega draped a blanket over her and placed another mug of tea on the table before taking a seat on the opposite side of the room. She looked over at him. "It's your day off. Why are you still here?"

He shrugged. "I can take a different day. You're sick. I'm not leaving you with Morris. He'd probably just gloat, the damn _pendejo_."

"You don't have to take care of me, you know," she said.

"I don't mind," he said. "Feels nice to take care of somebody for a change. Like I'm doing something good without having to kill people to do it." He picked up the remote. "This gonna bother you?"

"Go ahead," she said.

He turned on the vid screen and she laid her head back down. The patter of rain against the window competed with the quiet sounds coming from the screen. She couldn't remember the last time she'd just indulged in being sick. If she was on duty, she'd power through it, but there was nothing for her to do and nowhere for her to be, so she could just rest without feeling guilty for it. It was a novel experience. That didn't make it a good one, though. She hated being sick. It didn't happen often and hadn't since her rebirth, but she supposed she was still only human. In a way, that made her feel better. A fancy VI wouldn't get sick. She really was human. She still didn't know for certain if she was the same human she'd been before or if she was some kind of clone or something, but at least it meant she _was_ human and that was better than nothing.

She sneezed and the datapad she'd been reading the day before flew off of the table. Before she could sit up to get it, Vega had returned it to its place. "Never seen a sick biotic before," he said. "That's kinda weird."

"Just wait until I end up in another room or phase through a chair," she muttered. "I broke my fish tank shortly after I'd charged into the wall. We'd gone to Zorya and all the damn pollen in the air had me sneezing for a full day. It was miserable. I had to get Kelly to take my hamster out of my cabin because I was afraid I'd shatter his tank. I've gotten better at controlling it now, but it still sometimes— _achoo_!" Across the room, Vega lifted from his seat, wreathed in blue. She very carefully directed him back down. "Sorry. As I was saying, sometimes it gets out of hand." He shook his head as if to clear it and looked down at himself. "You okay?" she asked.

"Fine," he said. "That was...weird. Just don't throw me out the window and we'll be good."

"I'll do my best," she said with a grin.

"They're bulletproof," he said, "with kinetic barriers to boot. I think I'll be okay."

"Noted," she said and took a sip of tea. "What is this?" she asked. It tasted different from anything she'd had before and was soothing on her throat.

"Ginger, water, lemon, honey, and cinnamon," he answered.

"Another of your abuela's remedies?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "I figured I'd save the other for later." When she raised a brow at him, he said, "Tequila, agave, and lime. Get your mind out of the gutter, Commander."

"Don't call me Commander. And that sounds much more fun," she said. "The tequila, not the gutter."

"I don't know, Lola," he said consideringly. "With you, the gutter might be fun, too."

"Are you flirting with me, Vega?" she asked in disbelief.

"Maybe," he drawled. "Depends on whether I'm gonna get disciplined for it or not."

She chuckled and then coughed as she shook her head. "You're something, Lieutenant. I'm not sure what it is yet, but you're something."

"Aww, I don't mean anything by it," he said. "It's just my way. If it bothers you, though, I'll stop."

"It's fine," she said and took another sip of the tea. She'd known plenty of people who'd flirt with anyone from eight to eighty without it meaning anything. It was just the way they interacted with people. They tended to be the types that wanted to put others at ease rather than the raging philanderers some people thought of them as. She didn't see anything wrong with a little harmless flirting as long as that was all it was. If it turned into something more, she'd put a stop to it for his own sake. Falling for her had turned out to be a very deadly proposition. She was a regular black widow when it came to men. First Alex and then Thane...no, she was done with love. It was a wonder Kaidan had managed to survive her.


	5. Chapter 5

While Shepard napped, Vega placed a requisition order for the supplies he needed. His abuela's sancocho was just the thing she needed. Dios knew it had always made him feel better. He didn't like seeing her sick. She'd been through enough lately. She didn't need her body turning on her, too. At least the doc had waived her interrogation session for the day. She needed a break. That was probably why she'd gotten sick. She was under too much damn stress. Abuela would be fretting about _susto_ and bundling herbs right about now. He didn't believe in that—she always had been old-fashioned—but he did think the stress was starting to wear on her.

  
She wasn't worried about herself. He knew her well enough by now to know that. She was worried about the whole damn galaxy and that was far too big a burden to bear. Maybe she could handle it when she was moving and fighting, but sitting helplessly by and just waiting on the Reapers to come just meant that she worried. Hackett and Anderson were at least listening to her and doing what they could to prepare. Vega had carried datapad after datapad to Anderson detailing what she knew of the Reapers, their abilities, their goals, their strengths and weaknesses, and how best to fight them along with things she believed might slow them down once they got here or help bolster the troops.

  
Anderson said they were implementing them, but Vega thought they all knew it wasn't going to be enough if the Reapers came any time soon. He wondered how long it took a Reaper to travel from the Bahak system to the next mass relay. Shepard didn't know what their top FTL speed was, so she couldn't answer and not knowing was weighing heavily on her. Even if they just traveled at the average speed of, say, an Alliance dreadnought, Vega was fairly certain they had less than a year left at most. It wasn't going to be enough time and she knew it better than any of the rest of them did.

  
She woke when the delivery arrived. Vega took the packages and gave the tip to the soldier on the other side of the door to carry down to the delivery person. "What's that?" she asked, her words slurring together slightly in her half-asleep state.

  
"I'm making sancocho," he said. "It's a Latin version of chicken soup for when you're sick but with more than just chicken. And, it's real meat."

  
She blinked and looked at him curiously. "What else? And where'd you get real meat?"

  
"Don't worry, Lola," he laughed. " _No es carne de gato, ni de rata, ni nada por el estilo_."

  
"No cat, no rat, and no what?" she asked.

  
"Nothing along those lines," he said. "You speak Spanish?"

"Italian," she said. "It's close enough, though, that I can usually figure it out. My mom was Italian."

  
"What happened to her?" he asked, hoping he wasn't crossing a line, and began to arrange the groceries on the counter.

  
"She sandblasted her brain after my dad died," she said dully and laid her head back down.

  
He winced. "Damn. Sorry, Lola. I know that pain. My mom died when I was a kid. My dad started dusting up after that, too. As far as I know, he's still out there somewhere, but I haven't talked to him since I joined the military. Wouldn't really call him family anymore."

  
"How'd she die?" she asked softly.

  
"Early-onset Alzheimer's," he said. "She, ah, got past my dad and went down to the beach. Forgot how to swim, or at least, that's what they said. Never have been able to decide whether she did it deliberately or not. She'd had a couple lucid days just before that and had been talking pretty fatalistically. I'd gone to the store because she wanted empanadas. I think...I think she sent me away because she felt herself slipping again. Before I left, she hugged me and told me not to blame myself. I didn't know what she meant then, but...it stayed with me."

  
He was so focused on cutting the meat for the stew that he didn't hear her move. The first sign he had that she was in the room with him was when her arms slipped around his waist. He tensed for a moment and then allowed himself to relax into it. He couldn't remember the last time someone had hugged him. It had probably been Tío Emilio, but he hadn't seen his uncle in years.

  
He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and she whispered, "I'm sorry, James." He felt her forehead, hot even through his shirt, drop against his spine and she said quietly, "I was ten when my dad died. He'd been coming to see me play and got into an accident. Two years later, I came home from school and found my mother face-down in a mess of red sand. She'd been using for a while, but I hadn't realized it had gotten that bad. I didn't even know what it was at first. The cops identified it. I'd just known she was drinking or doing some kind of drug because I'd come home and find her passed out at the table or on the couch or she'd be babbling about things that made no sense or throwing things around the house in a rage. I didn't even realize she was dead until I tried to carry her to the couch so I could clean her up."

  
"Shit," he hissed and released the knife he'd been gripping so that he could thread his fingers between hers.

  
She said, "That's how I ended up in the foster system. It was...bad. There were still a lot of orphans from the First Contact War and not enough resources for all of them. Backgrounds didn't get checked as thoroughly as they should have. Social workers were burned out. It was easier to believe the foster parents when they accused the kids of lying. We were disturbed, you know, from everything we'd been through, poor dears, and took it out on the foster parents for not being our real parents. I ran away when I was thirteen and eventually ended up with a group of older kids. I didn't realize it was a gang at first. I just thought they were kids like me. By the time I realized what it was, I was already in it and I was so angry and actually messed up by that time that I didn't care."

  
"So that's what you joined to get away from," he said.

  
He felt her nod and she said, "Yeah. My boyfriend—Alex, the boy who'd found me in the snow and taken me to the hospital—was shot by a cop while trying to rob a bank. We were hungry. We refused to have anything to do with the drugs the gang moved. He felt the same way about them that I did, but it was profitable and so that ended up becoming the focus. Then they started getting more and more anti-alien and we just wanted out. We figured we could make it on our own better than we could with the Reds, but we had no money. So, Alex went to the bank and I stole a car so we could get away but it got reported a lot faster than I expected. I led the police right to him."

  
She paused and he gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. She continued, "He wouldn't back down and they killed him. I had a record of my own, but somehow, I ended up in a recruiter's office rather than a prison cell. The worst thing was...the bank didn't even _have_ physical money. It was all electronic and Alex didn't know shit about electronics or computer systems. We picked the one place that didn't actually have any money because we thought it would have the most."

  
"My dad tricked me into buying drugs for him and then threatened to turn me in for it so I couldn't get in the Alliance," he admitted. "I almost got caught. Tío Emilio saved my ass."

  
"I'm glad he did," she said. "You're a good soldier, Vega."

  
"How do you know?" he asked. "You've never even seen me shoot."

  
"I just do," she said and he let her fingers go as she stepped away. His back felt cool without the heat of her feverish body against him and he wished she'd come back. Part of it was that he'd liked feeling her against him even if she was sick, but part of it was that it had been nice just having that bit of physical contact. He'd come from a physically affectionate culture and he hadn't realized just how much it meant to him to have that. It wasn't romantic or sexual. It was just two people leaning on each other and it had been nice. He turned to face her and found her cheeks flushed. He couldn't tell if it was from fever or embarrassment until she ducked her head and said, "Sorry about that."

"It's okay, Lola," he said.

  
She raised her head and cocked an eyebrow. "Why do you keep calling me that?"

  
"I don't know," he said. "You kinda look like a Lola."

  
"Lola, huh?" she asked, planting a hand on her hip. Damn, even sick with her nose slightly red and her eyes a little puffy and bright with fever, she was still beautiful.

  
Pull it together, James, he told himself. "Yeah. My best friend's sister growing up was a Lola. His hot, older sister," he added without really intending to say it out loud. "You kinda remind me of her and I don't know your first name."

  
"You're cute," she said with a wink, "so I'll let you get away with it."

 

"And now you've made me blush," he said quickly, turning back to the food to hide his reaction to her statement and that wink.

  
Did she mean it or was she just trying to lighten the mood after those heavy revelations? He watched from the corner of his eye as she returned to the couch and drew the blanket over herself again and decided that it was the latter. She tended to echo the personality of the person she was addressing in order to put them at ease. If she was dealing with someone serious, she was serious. If she was dealing with someone lighthearted, she was lighthearted. If she was dealing with someone who flirted, she flirted. And she did it all without it seeming unnatural to her. Her personality was faceted enough to allow her to draw on different parts of herself to relate best to the person in front of her.

  
He'd seen the sadness in her eyes when she'd mentioned having someone and it not working out and wondered if it had been the boy who'd saved her life or someone else. He knew it wasn't the same kind of not working out that he and Treeya had dealt with, but it was probably at least as deep. He'd liked Treeya. She'd been tough and smart and brave and passionate, not to mention gorgeous. If things hadn't gone down the way they had, there might have been something there but they had and there wasn't. He couldn't let there be anything there after that.

  
He'd chosen to save her over the colonists because she had the intel he'd needed to save more people. If he'd gotten involved with her, then he would have started wondering if he'd saved her for the intel or if he'd saved her for himself. He'd circumvented the entire question by not letting himself have her. It had been easy enough to do when all he could see when he looked at her was April in that damn pod, April crying and afraid because he'd broken his promise to her, April dying because he'd failed her. If he had let something form between himself and Treeya and if he had started to wonder, he'd eventually have ended up resenting her, questioning whether the intel was as vital as she'd claimed, wondering if she'd talked him into saving her simply because she hadn't wanted to die.

  
No, he and Treeya never would have worked out. They'd parted something that wasn't quite friends but wasn't necessarily bad. That wouldn't have been the case further down the road. Besides, he'd been too messed up after that to be good for anyone even without the doubts and recriminations. He'd needed to get away from everything that reminded him of that. He'd needed to find himself again, to redefine his idea of who he was yet again. He still wasn't certain. The knowledge that they hadn't needed the intel in the end just made it worse. He'd let April and Captain Toni and the rest die for nothing. He could have let Treeya go and saved the others. If he'd been smarter or faster or better, he could have found a way to do both. He'd wracked his brain for a way to do it and had yet to figure it out but he resolved to ask Shepard someday when he could talk about it. She would know.

  
In the meantime, he cooked the sancocho and tried to pay attention to the biotiball game on the vid screen. He'd turned the volume down so it wouldn't bother Shepard while she slept, though he'd learned that she could sleep through almost anything as long as she didn't perceive a threat. His eyes kept straying to her, though. He'd tucked a pillow beneath her head when she'd been asleep earlier and she'd turned it and wrapped her arms around it like a person. He pictured her sleeping beside him like that and shook his head.

  
He was a fool. She was Commander Shepard and he was just _him_. She was so far out of his league that it was laughable. Besides, she was his job right now and a superior officer even if she didn't technically have a rank at the moment. He told himself it was just hero worship combining with regular proximity and a serious need to get laid. He had his own apartment across the hall from hers, but he was here more than there, so it gave the false impression that they were living together and enforced an intimacy that wasn't real. This was a job, nothing more. He wasn't falling for her. Still, he couldn't help but notice that she looked younger when she slept and when she coughed in her sleep, he stepped away from stirring the pot to prepare a new cup of tea for when she woke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No es carne de gato, ni de rata, ni nada por el estilo.--It's not cat meat, rat, nor anything along those lines.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard slowed her stride and tilted her head back as the sun came out from behind the clouds that had been hanging over Vancouver for the past week. It was cold, but not freezing. The sun was warm on her face and she relished the fresh air. Vancouver only received about eight hours of sunlight per day this time of year and the gloomy weather was made even worse by the short days, so the sunlight was welcome.

  
Vega had somehow managed to convince the admirals to let her outside to run. She suspected that he'd used the three days she was down with that damn cold to illustrate that being kept cooped up was bad for her because as soon as she was well enough, they'd gone out for a run. They'd done it every day that he'd been on duty since, rain or shine. She was going to have to find a way to thank him for this when she was no longer locked up.

  
He paused beside her and she felt his eyes on her as she basked in the sunlight. She knew she should say something to him about that. She'd caught him doing it more often lately and the look on his face when she caught him wasn't always entirely professional. She always found a reason to put it off, though, and today was no different. It was too nice of a day to make it awkward by calling him out on what was ultimately just a crush. It didn't affect the way he did his job and he hadn't make any overt moves. His flirting was still playful rather than serious. If that changed, she'd say something.

  
She flashed a grin at him and began to run again, savoring the chance to stretch her legs and the burn in her muscles and her lungs from the exertion. There was only so much one could work out in an apartment and she'd begun to get out of shape. Vega had also gotten her access to the base gym and they'd been lifting weights together. She saw now how he managed to maintain that mountainous physique. There wasn't an ounce of fat on him. The man was a powerhouse. He could bench press her without breaking a sweat if he wanted. She consoled herself that she could outrun him and she'd taken him down every time they'd gone a few rounds in the boxing ring. Her hand-to-hand lessons with Thane and Garrus had paid off.

  
The thought of Thane still brought a pang but she was beginning to accept that he was gone. She still missed him and wished they'd had more time together but it was getting easier to console herself that he hadn't spent his last days suffering in a hospital bed, slowly suffocating to death, the way he'd been afraid he would. That didn't shake the guilt, though, and she was certain she'd carry that until the end of her days. If only she'd heeded the warnings, he might still be alive.

  
Alive and dying, her mind insisted on reminding her. His death on the other side of the Omega 4 relay had changed little as far as the two of them had been concerned. His allotted time had come and gone and she would have been locked up here regardless. Any additional time they'd had would have been measured in days rather than months or years. He probably would have been dead by the time the Reapers invaded, and if not, then shortly after and she would be busy fighting. They wouldn't have gotten any significant amount of time together regardless of the outcome of the suicide mission. He would have just suffered longer. That he hadn't was something for which she was grateful even as her heart insisted that even days together would have been more time, time that she'd desperately wanted.

  
Wanting changed nothing. He was across the sea with Irikah now and all she could do was hope that he remembered her enough to be looking down and putting in a good word for her with his gods because they were going to need all the help they could get down here. Ultimately, she had no right to want him here because doing so meant that she wanted to take him from the woman who truly deserved to have him. Irikah had been his wife and the mother of his child. She'd died because of his job, had died waiting for him to come and save her. From what Thane had remembered and described of her, Irikah had been a good woman. Shepard couldn't begrudge her in death the husband she hadn't had in life.

  
She had to find a way to say goodbye. She had to let him go. He wasn't hers anymore and she didn't deserve him in any case. It was her fault he was gone. It was her fault he'd gone out the way he had. If she'd done her damn job the way she should have, she wouldn't have lost him like that. He still might not have survived but he wouldn't have gone out the way he did. And if she hadn't been so distracted by his death, she would have made better choices and other members of her team would also be alive. That was why fraternization wasn't allowed in the Alliance and it was a damn good reason.

  
Her shoes slapped against the wet concrete, setting a pace for her thoughts. She ignored the looks from other soldiers they passed. Some were curious. Some were pitying. Most were hostile. None of them mattered. They didn't know why she'd done what she'd done. They hadn't looked up at that damn doomsday clock and counted seconds to the invasion that would wipe out the galaxy. They hadn't had to make the call yet to sacrifice hundreds of thousands to save trillions. They didn't know.

Vega took the lead and directed them through the civilian section of the base that housed contractors and low-security operations. She cast a curious look at his back but he didn't notice and she didn't question. He knew her boundaries within the base and they'd been careful not to take the same route or go at the same time of day twice. She thought it highly unlikely that the batarians were going to try to come after her here but there was no sense in making herself an easy target. Vega took his duties seriously and Thane had taught her how to evade an assassin. Between the two of them, she was as safe as she could be outside of a fortress. Honestly, she thought she'd relish a fight right about now. It had been too long since she'd felt her blood sing.

They passed a cluster of prefab buildings and through the old, abandoned training ground that was being renovated to expand housing before she caught sight of their destination. As they topped a rise, the docks came into view. Ships of all classes and sizes gleamed silver in the sunlight. The familiar outline of one of them made her heart squeeze. She came to a stop beside Vega. He looked over at her. "This is as close as I can get you, unfortunately, but I thought you might like to see her."

  
"She is beautiful, isn't she?" she asked wistfully. The desire to keep running, to find a way to slip unseen through the docks and onto the ship was almost too strong to resist. EDI could override the docking clamps and guide them out before anyone was the wiser. She was a Council Spectre. The Alliance couldn't hold her should she choose to leave. She could take the Normandy and get back out there, find Garrus and Tali and Liara, and get back to figuring out a way to stop the Reapers or at least further slow their progress. But then the batarians would revolt and the Alliance would have to devote resources to fighting them when they should be preparing for the Reapers. Duty warred with longing and she sank into a crouch over the muddy ground and draped her arms across her knees.

  
"Looks good in Alliance colors," he said, moving to stand beside her. His eyes paused on the ship before continuing to scan their surroundings. She knew this was a bad spot for someone trying not to get killed but she couldn't bring herself to care. She'd needed to see her ship.

  
"Better than Cerberus, at least," she said.

  
"I thought you authorized the retrofits when you turned her over," he said.

  
"I did," she answered. "It just wasn't what I'd planned. She was supposed to be flying Spectre colors right now. The Normandy doesn't belong to the Alliance. She belongs to me. And I don't belong to the Alliance, either. I belong to the galaxy as a whole. Thus, the Normandy belongs to the galaxy as a whole. She's a Spectre ship, not an Alliance one."

  
"So, why'd you do it, then?" he asked.

  
"A show of good faith," she said bitterly. "The negotiations on that one took over a week. I'm the Normandy's captain. They have to release me and allow me to resume command of her if war breaks out or the ship goes to Garrus no matter what colors she wears. However, Anderson is authorized to use her as a mobile command center. Honestly, it was the only way I could see to keep them from trying to just take her from me and I didn't trust the Council to either fight them hard enough or not to just take her for themselves. Either way, if the Normandy ended up in a tug of war between the two, I'd lose her. I won't let that happen. And I'm all right with Anderson being assigned to her. He did give the first one up for me. It just seems right that I make sure he has a place on the second."

  
"Why are you so determined to keep it?" he asked. "It's a good ship but at the end of the day, it's just a ship. There are others."

  
Shepard shook her head. "The Normandy is so much more than just a ship. There isn't another like her in the whole galaxy. They could build a thousand Normandy-class frigates and she'd still be irreplaceable."

  
She couldn't—wouldn't—tell him about EDI. She still didn't trust him enough for that. She had no way to be certain that he wouldn't take that information right back to the Alliance and if he did, one of two things would happen: they'd kill EDI or they'd take her and Shepard would be forced to give her to the Council to get her back from the Alliance and one of the two groups would kill EDI. The Council would do it because she was an illegal AI. The Alliance would do it to keep the Council from getting their hands on her. Shepard would do whatever it took to protect EDI just as she would for any other member of her crew. She didn't care that she was an AI. She cared that EDI had proven her loyalty over and over again and had overcome her programming to follow Shepard. That meant that she couldn't tell anyone in the Alliance about her as long as the Normandy was under Alliance control. There were other things she could say, though.

  
"I haven't had a home since I was twelve years old," she told him. "The Normandy is my home. The best times of my life have been on that ship. We went to hell together and she got us out. Most of us, at least. And the ones that were lost...well, it wasn't the ship's fault I didn't give her every edge she needed to save them."

  
"What happened?" he asked.

  
She sighed heavily but decided she could talk about it out here with her ship in sight and him out of it. She stared at the Normandy and said, "Our mission was to go through the Omega 4 relay and destroy the Collector base before they could hit Earth. I recruited a team of specialists to help me do it. Every one of them had a skill that made them invaluable. And every one of them had something they needed from me, some type of closure they needed to get. I didn't give it to all of them. I didn't think we had time. And then the Collectors attacked and took my crew. I had a choice between continuing to collect resources to pay for the upgrade to our cannons or to go after them. I decided the ones we had were good enough. I was wrong."  
"That was a hard call to make," he said. "If you'd waited, they'd have all died. But going too soon put you and your team at more risk."

  
She nodded. "Yeah. But if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have let the Collectors push me into striking before I was ready. I let it get personal. I let the empty ship get to me. I wasn't smart. I was emotional and people paid for it. The mission could have been a complete failure. Someone died because of it. And I let that get to me, too. I made bad calls. I forgot that they were specialists for a reason and I watched as they dropped one by one. I know you think I'm this perfect soldier who can do no wrong, but I'm not. I'm just human and I fail, too. Bet you're wishing the galaxy had a better savior to count on."

  
"No way," he said emphatically. "Sure, you lost people but even with all the shit that kept getting thrown at you, you still completed the mission. You blew the Collector homeworld back to hell where it belonged and you're going to do the same thing to the Reapers."

  
"Yeah," she said, unconvinced, "but how many more of my people are going to die to do it?"

  
"However many have to," he said matter-of-factly. "Everyone you've lost under your command signed up for it. They knew the risks and accepted them because it was worth it to them. At least _your_ people weren't civilians."

  
Her head came up at the way he stressed 'your people' and her eyes narrowed. His expression had turned dark and he gripped his rifle tightly. "You know something about that, Vega?" she asked gently.

  
"I don't wanna talk about it," he said tersely. He glanced up at the setting sun and said, "Sorry, Commander. We gotta get back."

  
She cast another long look at her ship. Soon enough, baby. Soon enough we'll be shooting through the stars again. I know you want to get back out there as much as I do. Take care of her, EDI. Regretfully, she turned away and followed Vega back down the slope, feeling the docks and her freedom slipping further away with every step.

 

**oOoOoOo**

 

As they jogged back through the base, Vega thought about Shepard's revelations. She'd been right in her estimation of how he thought about her. For years, he'd thought of her as something more than human, someone who could do no wrong. He'd never imagined that she could really make a bad call and even now, his mind tried to make excuses for the ones she'd so flatly owned up to. He glanced back at her and found her keeping pace behind him with her shoulders squared and her head up. The grief that had been on her face was gone now and had been replaced with resolution. Something in him shifted and he thought that he was finally seeing the person she was rather than the person he'd thought her to be.

  
She was still his hero, but for a different reason now. He no longer thought that she was perfect. He knew she was just human like the rest of them, just a soldier like him, doing her best to make the best calls she could in the moment. She fucked up. She bled. She'd died. She'd gotten people killed through her mistakes. She might not have been able to figure out a way to save everyone on Fehl Prime after all. But she didn't quit when shit got hard. No matter the cost, she saw it through to the end. She didn't bitch about it. She didn't blame others. She shouldered the responsibility for her mistakes, learned from them, and moved on. He doubted she'd ever let her emotions cloud her judgment again but she didn't retreat to lick her wounds like he had. She was strong and dutiful and courageous and she didn't give up. He still wanted to be just like her. It just felt like a more attainable goal now.

  
Morris was waiting for them at her apartment and James had to hold back a sneer. He really didn't like that pendejo. His limp blonde hair was just a bit too long for regs and always just a touch greasy. It plastered itself to his waxy skin and made him look like he'd just woken up from a bad dream. His pale, watery eyes looked washed out and sickly. How the guy had made it through even the first level of ICT was beyond James, but he knew he had. One of the main qualifications for this position was a rating of at least N3. It should have been reassuring, but it wasn't. "What's going on?" he asked.

  
"Defense Committee wants to see Shepard," Morris answered. "And Admiral Anderson wants to speak with you. I'm supposed to escort her to the Committee while you meet with the admiral."

  
"Agent Shepard," James corrected. Asshole seemed determined not to give her any type of due. "What does Admiral Anderson want?"

  
"Don't know," Morris said with a shrug. "Didn't ask. Not my place."

  
"All right," he said reluctantly.

  
"Do I have time to change?" Shepard asked. "I'm not exactly dressed for the Committee."

  
"Fine," Morris huffed. "But be quick. It sounded important."

  
James waited until Shepard returned, dressed in her utility uniform with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. They hadn't made her remove her insignia from it and he liked seeing her with the black bars on her shoulder. She stood straighter when she was wearing her uniform, like it was another part of her skin. He accompanied them through the scanners, relieved that Morris wasn't taking her to the courtrooms, and broke off in the direction of the admiral's office, wondering what was so important and if it had anything to do with the Committee calling her. Maybe they'd given up and decided to release her. Morris hadn't seemed happy enough for it to mean anything terrible, but he wasn't naïve enough to think it was anything good, either. Just another day, then.

  
Anderson looked up in surprise when James entered his office and saluted him. When the admiral said, "What are you doing here, son? You're supposed to be with Shepard," his stomach dropped. He turned on his heel and ran. After a moment, he heard the admiral's dress shoes slapping against the floor behind him. "Lieutenant!" Anderson called out and James slowed just enough to allow the admiral to catch up to him. "What the hell is going on?"

  
"I don't know, sir," he answered and explained the meeting with Morris.

  
"I didn't authorize that," Anderson said unnecessarily, "and the Committee didn't request her." The admiral's omni-tool pinged and James reluctantly slowed to a walk. Anderson cursed. "Lieutenant Cortez just reported an unidentified vehicle in the area. He said it's painted like an Alliance shuttle and is keyed to an existing one, but isn't one of ours. How the hell can he tell?"

"He knows," James said certainly. "If he says it isn't ours, then it isn't one of ours. Cortez knows every vessel in the fleet."

"This way, then," Anderson said and broke into a run again. "I'm calling in Major Alenko as well. We might need help on this one."

  
"I knew I couldn't trust that slimy bastard," James spat, following him. "Morris is as shifty as Messner. If he's done anything to Shepard, I'll..." He couldn't finish the thought. The image of Shepard hurt or killed was one he couldn't bear. It would be his fault. He'd _known_ he couldn't trust Morris. He'd ignored his gut. Now, Shepard was in danger and it was his fault.


	7. Chapter 7

"This isn't the way to the Committee chambers," Shepard said.

"It is the way to the briefing room," Morris snapped. "I don't make the calls. I just go where they tell me. Unlike some people."

Shepard was used to his needling and hadn't let it get to her even in the beginning, so she ignored it. However, there was something in his mannerisms that had her senses tingling. This didn't feel right. She wished she had an omni-tool so that she could confirm with Anderson or Vega. All she had was Morris' word that they'd even asked for her. That sixth sense had kept her alive on more than one occasion and she listened to it now.

She'd give her little finger for a rifle or an amp right now, but Eleanor, her sniper rifle, was locked up on the ship and she hadn't worn an amp in four months. She considered breaking his neck and running, but she had no proof that he wasn't on the up-and-up and gods knew that people thought she was crazy enough as it was. Killing a man in cold blood for no better reason than that her skin was crawling would just be the final nail in her coffin. She had to continue on with him.

She reminded herself that she was Commander Shepard. She'd beaten Reapers and Collectors. She could handle whatever got thrown her way. She was smart and savvy and strong. Her bare hands were weapons. They weren't as deadly as Thane's had been, but he'd taught her well and she was confident that she could make him proud if not actually impressed. She even had a little bit of biotic power on her side. The amp wasn't there, but she could still create a barrier and muster up a weak attack or two. She probably couldn't kill anyone, but she could stun them and that might be all she needed.

She was already running possible scenarios in her head when they exited the building through a set of double doors and Morris turned to face her. She threw up her barrier, but she'd been expecting a tech attack as she'd been told he was an engineer. She wasn't expecting biotics and the stasis wrapped around her before she could counter it. None of her careful planning meant anything when she couldn't move. How had Hackett missed something that vital? Now, she understood why Morris' hair was too long. He was covering up an implant.

He grabbed her by the arm and she felt herself being dragged through the chilly Vancouver night. The clouds had moved back in and they blocked the sky and splattered her bare skin with rain. She was far more comfortable navigating by the stars, but she was no slouch at land nav, either. He used alleyways and back routes to take them to their destination, but she and Vega had run this way earlier in the day, so it was somewhat familiar and she was able to maintain her bearings. Focusing on that let her block out the cold. She tried to shout when they reached the housing area, but her voice wasn't working. He wasn't just a biotic; he was a strong one, almost as strong as Kaidan. She wondered if he was an L2. If so, she might be able to find a way to trigger a migraine and disable him.

He adjusted his hold on her so that one of her arms was slung limply around his neck and one of his was around her waist. She despised stasis. Her head hung and her wet hair fell around her face, blocking it from the view of the few people out on the glistening streets. She looked like a drunk, she realized when she heard a man laugh and make a joke about Morris getting lucky. She tried again to speak, but was as unsuccessful as before. Her only hope now was that Vega would figure out what was going on and find them before Morris got her to wherever they were going.

That hope appeared unfounded when they reached the abandoned training grounds where she'd sat only a couple of hours before and she saw the Alliance shuttle surrounded by batarians. One, a generic-looking male with golden-brown skin spotted with what looked like freckles and wearing mercenary armor, stepped forward. His voice was gravelly and just as generic as his face when he said, "I'll take her from here."

"You got my money?" Morris asked, tightening his hold on her.

"Yeah, yeah," the batarian said and tossed his head at one of the others. The second merc moved up to join him and took a credit chit from a pocket in his armor. Morris grabbed for it and shoved Shepard forward. The generic-looking batarian grabbed her roughly and pulled her up off of her knees. He turned her so that her back was to him and she felt a pair of cuffs snap around her wrists. "Release the stasis," the batarian said. "I've got her."

The stasis dropped and Shepard threw her head back at the batarian and reached with both hands for the pistol snapped to his hip. It was probably keyed to his DNA and she wouldn't be able to do much with it behind her back, but any weapon was better than no weapon at all. The batarian dodged her and his arms wrapped tightly around her, one hand moving to clasp her throat. "Move again and you die," he growled. "The Hegemony doesn't care if you get to them alive or dead."

She stilled, considering her options. Before she could do more than begin to formulate a plan, she felt his hand in her hair. She tried to jerk away, but his other hand tightened on her throat, holding her in place. He was stronger than he looked. She almost didn't register the click and fizz at the back of her head, but when his hand came down to hers, she felt the chip slide into her wrist and the cuffs gave way. His hand wrapped around her wrists, preventing her from moving and he said in a voice too low for the others to hear, "Aria sends her regards."

A moment later, he released her and she was calling up the shockwave before her hand cleared her waist. Dark energy slammed out of her fingertips and warped through the air, finding its target and throwing Morris back. He went flying and she charged the location where she judged he'd land. Time slowed as she phased back and she grinned at the look of fear in his eyes as her omni-blade swung into place and locked. It slid easily between his ribs. He sputtered and red blood flew from his mouth. She let him drop as a pistol cracked and she turned to see Aria’s batarian firing on the one that had given Morris the credit chit.

She charged another and almost missed the sound of the second shuttle. A nova knocked her target to the ground and she stabbed him before turning and pulling another off of his feet. She threw him behind the still-running shuttle on the ground, hesitating only to ensure that he caught fire before seeking out another target. She heard the rattle of assault rifles and the sharp crack of pistols and noted that the shuttle she'd peripherally registered had been carrying Vega, Anderson, and another soldier. She stuttered in her turn when she caught sight of the third soldier, the source of the second pistol.

Kaidan shot a batarian and turned to face her. The look in his eyes was unreadable and gone almost before it had fully formed. He shouted, "Move!" and she reacted instantly, dropping to the ground and rolling to the side as dark energy flew over her head. She looked over her shoulder to see the batarian who'd tried to flank her wreathed in a reave and wondered for a heartbeat when he'd learned to do that before he threw a warp to detonate it and she dove out of the way of the biotic explosion.

"Thanks! Don't shoot the one in black and gold!" she shouted before charging a batarian that had gotten too close to Vega as he was driving the butt of his rifle into the face of another. A rifle clattered and she heard Vega shout as she phased back in. He was too close for her to use her nova without catching him in it, so she pulled the batarian back to her and slit his throat with her omni-blade. She looked over and saw Vega pull his hand away from his shoulder. It was coated with blood and he cursed. His arm was limp and he grasped for the rifle with his slick hand.

"Vega!" she shouted and ran to him.

"I'm fine," he said, lifting his rifle single-handedly and firing.

"Bullshit," she said. He hadn't stopped to don armor and his white t-shirt was dark with blood. It dripped from his elbow and splattered in the mud. She crossed her forearms and drew them down sharply. A glowing bubble appeared around them and she ordered, "Do not leave this barrier. It won't completely stop gunfire, but it'll block the worst of it and it'll warp enemies who get through it."

She moved back to him and called up her medigel dispenser. The round was a through-and-through and looked to have hit his pronounced trapezoids, missing anything vital but taking away the use of his left arm. She reached up as far as she could and injected the medigel as close to the wound as she could get. He was a behemoth and was too busy firing on another batarian to duck down and help her, so she had to settle for close rather than on point. It seemed that it was good enough, though, because he sighed in relief and she saw him wiggle his fingers.

The biotic bubble used all of the energy from her amp to maintain, so she put her back to Vega and focused on tech attacks instead. "You're like a weird sentinel or something," he said when she overloaded an enemy rifle.

"Nah," she said. "They get to dual-wield omni-blades and wear tech armor. My omni-tool isn't set up for that." She wasn't complaining. Aria had gone all out with both the amp and the omni-tool. The former was compatible with her L5n implant and felt like a Savant model, which made sense considering that Serrice Council was an asari consortium. The omni-tool was a high-grade infiltration model that she didn't recognize but really hoped she'd get back at some point. Its reset was damn fast and it gave her the best of both worlds within her skillsets.  

Vega's arm started working again and Shepard saw Anderson fire a concussive shot to take down one of the last remaining batarians. Kaidan deployed an overload before reaving another batarian and Shepard let the barrier drop so that she could charge the last of them. Rather than killing him, though, she used her nova to disable him and dragged him to his feet. Anderson jogged over to her and the batarian who'd helped her tilted his head to the left, flicked his fingers out from his forehead in a cocky salute, and jumped into the shuttle. She threw the captured batarian into Vega's arms and ran for the shuttle, but he'd already taken off and flown away.

"Who the hell was that?" Vega demanded.

"I don't know," she answered. "He helped me, though. Said Aria T'Loak sent her regards."

"Aria T'Loak?" Anderson exclaimed.

"She's a..." Shepard trailed off, uncertain about how to describe her relationship with Aria. They weren't friends, exactly, but there was a mutual understanding and respect between them. The pirate queen of Omega must have learned of the exchange and decided that Shepard was of more use to her alive than dead. "She's an acquaintance," she finally said.

"Aria doesn't give a shit about her acquaintances," Anderson said.

"She...likes me, I guess," Shepard said slowly. "I helped her out with a few things on Omega."

Kaidan moved into her line of sight and she forgot about Anderson and Aria. For the moment, she even forgot about Thane. She hadn't seen Kaidan since Horizon and more than just his biotics were different. He'd changed more in the past year than he had in the two that she'd been dead. Whatever had happened to him, he was more confident, more certain of himself. Damn if he didn't look good, too, she noted as she took in the sprinkle of silver at his temples and the short stubble lining his hard jaw. His golden eyes had always reminded her of a bird of prey and that look she couldn't decipher was back in them.

"Kaidan," she said softly, uncertainly. "Thanks for, uh, saving my ass."

"Given that you were fighting without armor or weapons, I'd say you did pretty well, Shepard," he said and his voice brought back a flood of memories she'd forced herself to forget after Horizon, after Thane. The years melted away and for a moment, they were just two soldiers who'd been through hell together and knew each other better than they knew themselves.

She hadn't been angry with him after Horizon. If she'd been prepared to actually see him, if she hadn't been so glad that he'd survived that she'd forgotten herself, if she'd thought about it for all of two seconds, she'd have known exactly what his reaction would be. They'd seen too much of the dirty side of Cerberus and she'd been gone for too long, had held him too far at bay even when they'd been together, for him to blindly trust and follow her. He was too damn honorable and pure.

She was reminded of Garrus' words when they'd gone after Sidonis. _It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. But grey? I don't know what to do with grey..._ At least he could acknowledge it even if he didn't know what to do with it. Meanwhile, Shepard felt like her world was made up only in varying shades of it. Black and white existed only in individual moments, in the goals she set, in her expectations of herself. Everything else was up for debate.

On the other hand, Kaidan couldn't even _see_ grey. Everything in his world was either black or white with no variations in between. Cerberus had done terrible things; therefore, Cerberus was bad and couldn't be trusted. Full stop. She was working with Cerberus. Therefore, she was bad and couldn't be trusted. Full stop. No equivocation. Just a shift from white to black, as easy in his mind as moving heat sinks from one compartment to another. She wondered what he thought of her now, when she was so firmly in the grey that she couldn't see her way out. Alliance but not Alliance. Spectre but not Spectre. Cerberus but not Cerberus. Still in love but not lovers. This wasn't going to be an easy one to figure out for either of them.

She _was_ still in love with him, she realized, looking into his golden eyes with the world still faded and unfocused around her. She'd loved Thane immensely, but she didn't delude herself that the heart only had room for one. If a person could love more than one child or more than one friend or more than one parent, then it stood to reason that love only multiplied rather than dividing. Thane had loved Irikah while loving her at the same time. She had loved Thane while still loving Kaidan. That Thane was gone and Kaidan was here, though, was a situation she hadn't anticipated. She'd released Kaidan. She'd let him go, fully accepting that he'd chosen not to be a part of her anymore. After all, hadn't she expected it from the beginning?

Everyone she loved died. She firmly believed that he had survived her only because she'd sacrificed Ash in his place and the universe's bloodlust had been sated. It didn't matter that her reasoning had been that Kaidan was with the STG team and saving him meant choosing the many over the one. She'd never been able to completely convince herself that she would have made the same call if their situations had been reversed. She'd been selfish and she'd refused to send him to his death. She'd sent Ashley in his place and the guilt of that choice had lingered over both of them, casting a pall on what they could have had. She'd never expected him to stay after that.

 

oOoOoOo

  

James watched the commander watch the major and be watched in return. He was absolutely positive that the someone she'd referred to was Alenko. The air practically vibrated between them. Aside from their initial greeting, neither of them had spoken. It was as if they'd forgotten that anyone else was there. A small, selfish part of him hoped that one of them would turn away, but feared that they would take the two steps that were needed to close the gap between them. In the end, they did neither. Shepard shook herself and Alenko blinked twice and the anticipation dissipated as if it had never been there at all.

Shepard popped the omni-tool chip out of her arm and passed it to Anderson before reaching under her hair and doing the same with her amp. He caught the slight flinch that every biotic exhibited when inserting or removing their amps. He assumed it was uncomfortable if not outright painful because her jaw flexed and Alenko's eyes tightened in an automatic sympathetic response. Most biotics he'd worked with never took their amps out except to change them if they fried or the biotic wanted to upgrade. They slept with them and even showered with them in place and sharing an amp was about the same as sharing a toothbrush. It just wasn't done except in an emergency.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the batarian he still held shook off his disorientation. James tried to tighten his grip on him, but his left arm still wasn't back to full functionality even with the medigel and the batarian was able to turn. Vega felt something white hot slip between his ribs and a small, choked sound escaped his lips. It was barely audible, but Shepard must have heard it because she turned and her hands flashed out quicker than he could follow. She gripped the batarian's head in her small hands and he heard a crack before the blade slid from his body and the batarian dropped at his feet.

James stumbled back in surprise and looked down at his side. He expected blood and when he didn't see any at first, he inanely thought that he was okay, that it was going to be all right. Then, he tried to inhale and his breath hitched as searing pain shot through him. Shepard ripped his shirt open and he saw the thin, black line of flesh and thought, _That's not good_ , as his legs gave way. She grunted and threw her shoulder into his armpit as she staggered under his weight, but she held. Anderson and Alenko finally seemed to grasp the situation because she was relieved almost immediately by two additional sets of hands. Anderson lowered him to the ground as Alenko injected medigel into his side and Shepard took a seat in the mud and cradled his head in her lap. She extended a leg and the admiral rolled James to the side so that she could prop him up and keep the wound out of the dirt.

"Stay with me, James," she ordered.

"Fuck, this hurts," he groaned in a wheezing voice.

"Quit talking," she said. "You're going to be okay, James. Just stay with me."

"We need to get him into the shuttle," Alenko said.

"Estás bonita cuando estás preocupada," he mumbled inanely.

She chuckled lightly. "Bonita?" she asked.

"Linda," he clarified.

"Who's Linda?" she asked.

"No," he groaned. "Bonita, linda, bastante."

"I can't tell if you're calling for a group of women, cursing me out for getting you shot, or trying to compliment me," she said. "Those don't translate."

"Bella," he said.

"Oh!" she said. "I'm pretty when I'm worried, huh? I think Kaidan gave you too much medigel. Now, will you shut up?"

"Creo que té amo, Lola," he whispered as his vision went gray. She said he was going to be okay, but he was pretty sure he was dying.

"Definitely too much medigel," she muttered tersely but her hand was cool and gentle as it stroked his forehead and hair. "You don't want to love me, James," she said, too softly for the others to hear.

He would have argued with her, but he passed out instead.


	8. Chapter 8

Kaidan took Vega’s place on guard duty while the lieutenant was in the hospital. He and Shepard didn't speak for the first week beyond stilted questions and one-word answers. _Are you hungry? No. Would you like a drink? No. Are you too hot? Yes. Are you cold? Yes. Do you mind if I... No._ She ignored him. He ignored her. He was more intent on preventing her from leaving than he was on protecting her from attack. The difference was subtle. She had no doubt he'd do the latter if the situation called for it because he was a good soldier and did his duty, but she was a prisoner in that black and white part of his mind and he treated her as such. The more distance he put between them, the more frustrated she felt. Outside of everything else between them, they'd been friends, damn it! She didn't have many friends and she'd had even fewer when she'd come back.

  
Finally, she shook her head and exclaimed, "How could you possibly think I would willingly work with Cerberus without a damn good reason? Do you think I just forgot everything they'd done? That I'd forget the rachni and the Thorian and Chasca and Admiral Kahoku?"

  
"No," he said after a long moment. He refused to look at her. "I don't think Commander Shepard would ever forget those things or overlook them for any reason. I think you either aren't Commander Shepard or you have a control chip."

  
"Are you serious, Kaidan?" she asked incredulously. "Would Cerberus know about Rahna? Would they know that you were standing in the mess when you told me about what happened to her and Vyrnnus at Brain Camp? Would they know how we toasted Ash after Virmire? 'Death closes all: but something ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done, not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.' Would they know that, Kaidan?"

  
He shrugged. "Maybe they had spies on the old Normandy. They got the plans for it somewhere. They could have had the ship bugged. Or maybe it is you and they did something to you. Like I said, I haven't ruled out a control chip."

  
"The docs have," she said. "No control chip. I'm still me, Kaidan. I bleed. I get hungry. I get drunk. I get sick. I'm human and I'm still me."

  
"So, you could be a clone who just thinks she's Shepard," he said. "I find it easier to believe that they cloned you and implanted memories or that they brainwashed you while you were unconscious than I do that you died and they somehow got brought back to life."

  
"Liara saw my body," she protested. "You watched me die."

  
"And that only strengthens my clone theory," he said. "If they implanted memories into you, you could know everything they'd done while not actually feeling anything about it. They could have made sure you were loyal to them. I don't know what they did to you. I just know that Shepard never would have worked with them."

  
She shook her head. "Nothing I say is going to convince you, is it?" she asked.

  
"Probably not," he admitted.

  
"You always were stubborn," she grumbled.

  
That startled a laugh from him. "Me? I'm not the one who drove a Mako through a mass relay." He blinked and seemed to catch himself. He sobered and stiffened his posture.

  
"I thought you were going to throw up," she said quietly. "And Wrex just gave that creepy laugh and told me I should have been born a krogan."

  
"Yeah," he said.

  
When he didn't say anything more, she said, "Do you know when Lieutenant Vega is coming back?"

  
"No," he answered.

Two days later, she was in her room with her violin in her hands when Kaidan leaned against the doorway. She paused and looked up, but he gestured for her to continue, so she decided he didn't need anything important. She closed her eyes to block him out and focused instead on the glide of the bow and the warmth of the instrument, the way it came alive in her hands as she gave it voice. She forgot Kaidan's presence as she swayed with the movement of the bow over the strings. She felt more impervious in the bubble she created with the music than she did in the middle of her biotic sphere. Nothing could touch her here. Nothing mattered but the sounds she produced. The music rose and swelled around her and, not for the first time, wondered that she, of all people, was able to create something like this.

  
She'd been thinking about the first time that Thane had heard her play. It had been shortly after they'd helped Liara with the Shadow Broker and she'd been in a particularly good mood. She'd felt like the pieces of her life were beginning to fall back into place. She had Garrus, Tali, and Joker on her ship. Wrex hadn't been able to come back with her, but he'd greeted her like family on Tuchanka. Liara had finally stabilized and become more like the friend she'd once known, but a more grown-up one. They'd saved Feron and she'd realized just how much Thane had meant to her. The piece she'd chosen had been upbeat and celebratory, a declaration that things might have changed and times might be hard, but she'd survived and found happiness and a home.

_She hadn't heard Thane enter her cabin and hadn't realized he'd been standing on the steps listening to her play until she'd finished it. The look on his face had been one she hoped to never forget. Wonder was the only word she could use to describe it. He'd remained in place for long enough that she'd wondered if he would speak. When he had, his voice had held something almost reverent. He'd said, "Siha, that was simply amazing. I have wished to bring good into this world many times and you are able to create beauty from your fingertips. I am...awed by you. You have a gift."_

  
_"It's just music, Thane," she said, uncomfortable with his praise._

  
_"It is more than music," he disputed. "It is emotion brought to life."_

  
Gods, she missed him. She'd known from the moment she'd met him that their time would be short. He'd never been hers to keep. Theirs were stolen moments in time, never to come again but in her memories. He'd been a friend to her when she'd felt very lost and had touched a place within her that she hadn't known existed. Now, he occupied that place and she guarded it as if she could keep him sheltered within herself.

  
She stilled and took several deep breaths as her surroundings came back into focus. She heard Kaidan shift and centered herself before opening her eyes. He was watching her closely and finally said, "Well, that answers a couple of questions. You aren’t a clone. They might be able to transplant memory but that kind of soul can't be faked."

"And the other?" she asked.

  
"You moved on," he said.

  
"It was just one night, Kaidan," she said, knowing she was lying, but unnerved by his insight. "Maybe it could have been more, but then I died and when I came back, you'd forgotten who I was. Honestly, be glad it wasn't. Turns out, it isn't good for your health."

  
She laid the violin in the case and deftly ran a cloth over it to clean any dust or rosin from it before storing it. She didn't want to discuss this with him. She'd tried to forget the night before Ilos, to pretend it hadn't meant as much to her as he claimed it had to him. She'd told herself she hadn't been in love with him, rationalized that he'd been a port in a storm. She'd tried to believe that they'd simply thrown caution to the wind, said screw the regs, and taken solace in each other. It hadn't been repeated. He'd valued adherence to the regs more than he'd valued her and it was almost certainly a good thing.

  
If he'd really fallen for her, it would have been Kaidan rather than Liara who'd come for her when the Collectors had attacked and she probably wouldn't have been able to convince him to abandon ship. It had been hard enough to get Liara to go. The curse that was loving Shepard would have been the end of him, too, even with Ash's blood in exchange for his and she doubted Cerberus would have brought him back. She didn't think she'd have survived the guilt if she'd been brought back while her lover was left on that frozen planet. She shuddered as she remembered the bodies of her crew lying in the ice on Alchera and imagined someone she cared about lying among the dead. Her hands froze over the strings as she realized that the picture in her mind wasn't Kaidan, nor was it Thane. It was Vega.

 

oOoOoOo

 

James shifted uncomfortably in his hospital bed as Admiral Hackett shook his head and listened to his explanation of what, exactly, had happened. He didn't remember much after being stabbed except for her fingers in his mohawk, but the omniblade had passed between his ribs and through his lungs. He'd been lucky that the blade had cauterized the wound even as it created it, that it hadn't pierced his heart, and that Shepard had been fast enough to keep the batarian from slicing rather than simply stabbing. It still hurt like an _hijo de puta_ , though, and the pain meds he was on didn't do much to help. "She had reason to kill Morris."

  
"I believe you, son," the admiral said. "The hero worship has finally faded, hasn't it?"

  
"Excuse me, sir?" he asked.

"You heard me," Hackett said. "It's a good thing. I'd hoped that would happen."

  
"Why?" Vega asked baldly. "Because if you thought getting to know her would disillusion me and--"

  
"Easy there, Lieutenant," Hackett said, raising his hands in a gesture to wait. "Shepard needs people who will follow her into hell without a backward glance. That's part of why I chose you. But she doesn't need people who will follow her blindly. You see the soldier rather than the legend now and that's a good thing."

  
"She already has people who do that, sir," he said.

  
"How many of them are human?" Hackett asked. "Whether she likes it or not, she's an Alliance soldier but she's lost her faith in us. She needs to regain it. She needs people like you to help her do that."

  
"You're talking about Alenko," James said. Shepard had told him what happened on Horizon, how the major had turned on her the moment she'd failed to conform to his expectations. He wondered what things were like between them now.

  
"I'm talking about me," he corrected. "I sacrificed her and she knows it."

  
His brow furrowed as he considered the admiral's words. He'd spoken like that before and James hadn't thought it through. He did now. Shepard was a damn good soldier. She understood the reason why she needed to be here. She'd destroyed a star system. Her reasons for doing so had been good, but she still needed to answer for it. She would have known that the Alliance would have wanted her to do so. So how had Hackett sacrificed her? Unless....

  
She'd still been with Cerberus around the time the Bahak system had been destroyed. He'd assumed Cerberus had found out about the base and had sent her there. Now, he thought that wasn't the case. For Hackett to feel like he'd sacrificed her, he had to have been involved. That meant the admiral had sent her there himself. The Alliance wouldn't have sent someone involved with Cerberus on a mission like that. She'd gone as a favor to him, an unofficial one, and then Hackett had allowed her to take the fall. The admiral hadn't come forward with that information. Shepard only said that she'd received a tip and acted on it in her capacity as a Spectre. She'd covered for Hackett while Hackett had left her out to dry.

  
"You son of a bitch," James growled. "You used her and then threw her to the wolves. Why?" Hackett folded his hands behind his back and remained silent. James wanted to throttle the man. "With all due respect, Admiral, you're a damn coward. It's no wonder Shepard has lost faith in the Alliance. When has it ever backed her? You think putting up a memorial for her on Elysium and saying a few words means shit? You think she cares about that? Hell, no! I'd be willing to bet she hates it. You didn't do that for her. If you wanted to honor her when she died, you should have listened to her! You should have paid attention to her warnings rather than letting the damn Council cover it up! Anderson was on the Council. How did he not force them to acknowledge it? You are in command of the entire damn Navy! Why didn't you warn humanity what was coming? Why did you allow her name to get dragged through the mud? _Ustedes pendejos no sirven para nada más que cubrirse sus propios culos._ "

  
" _Crecí en Buenos Aires_ ," Hackett replied. " _Hablo español, para su información_."

  
Vega shrugged. He didn't care that the admiral had understood him. They really were good for nothing but covering their own asses. He'd have said it in English if he hadn't been so pissed off. He knew the military did shady shit. He was no FNG. He just hadn't expected them to do it to her. He'd spent so much time worshiping the ground she walked on that he'd never stopped to consider that the rest of the galaxy might not feel the same way about her. He'd just assumed that everyone believed in her. That clearly wasn't the case and he found himself looking at the situation in a whole new light.

  
Shepard had been hailed a hero for her actions on Elysium. She'd then been recognized for becoming the first human Spectre, but she'd immediately begun warning about the Reapers, creatures out of legend. It was like she'd come forward and said that she had proof that the Loch Ness monster not only existed but had killed all of the dinosaurs and was now going to destroy the Earth. It was a wonder she hadn't been laughed out of the military.

  
She was the eccentric crackpot that would have been shuffled under the rug and forgotten had she not been so damn effective at getting rid of what they thought was the real threat. But then she'd refused to shut up and fade away like she'd been supposed to and so they'd allowed her to be sent to the fringes of the galaxy. Hell, both the Council and the Alliance had probably been relieved when she'd died. It had cleaned things up so neatly for them. Hold a service for an empty coffin, set up a memorial to her on Elysium, and then let people forget she'd ever existed. They'd even removed her face from recruiting material. No more Shepard. No more talk of the Reapers. No more embarrassment. No need to look any deeper.

  
The sense of sympathetic betrayal bit deep. Even Anderson had been complicit. How far down the rabbit hole had they gone to get her out of the way once she'd fulfilled her purpose? The exo-suit she would have been wearing when she'd died was a newly-issued item. He knew because he'd gotten his only a week before the Normandy was attacked. He'd read the reports on her death. Her breather had failed and had vented oxygen from her suit. That, not the fall through the planet's atmosphere, had been what had killed her. That equipment should have been tested prior to being issued. There was no excuse for a suit rupture on a brand new exo-suit.

  
So had it been negligence or sabotage? The Alliance likely had no way of knowing that the ship would be attacked, but she regularly went to planets without breathable atmospheres. Her preferred ground team wasn't human. What were the odds that they would not only have replacement seals for a human suit but also be familiar enough with the equipment to do a suit repair in the field before she suffocated to death? Slim to none, he decided.

  
The Alliance might not have directly killed her, but her death had certainly been convenient for them and it would have been far too easy for them to set up a situation in which she would die. Why else would she not have been reinstated the moment she came back? She'd been reinstated as a Spectre, which meant Anderson had known she was alive. Why hadn't he let her come back? Vega couldn't see her willingly continuing to work under Cerberus if the Alliance had been an option. That meant they'd actively blocked her.

  
Her return had been unexpected and unwanted. He would be willing to bet good money they'd expected her to die on the trip through the Omega 4 relay. And then she'd taken out the Collector homeworld and come back alive and they'd had to do something about her. Setting her up to commit a war crime like that would not only completely discredit her, but ensure that they could keep her locked away for as long as they wanted. She was effectively out of the picture while still useful to them for intel. His chest tightened when he realized that the real threat to her weren't the batarians but the Alliance itself.

  
Once they had all of the information they needed from her, it would be a simple matter to arrange an accident or for her to commit suicide while in lockup. He wasn't there to protect her from foreign enemies but the ones right there in front of her. He was known for refusing orders he didn't agree with. The admiral knew that he would fight even the Alliance if it meant keeping her safe. He also knew that James was smart enough to eventually figure it out while those who didn't know him always assumed he was just a dumb grunt.

  
In that light, Morris' timing made perfect sense. She hadn't been called before the committee in days. They had what they needed from her. She was no longer an asset but a liability. If she chose to walk out, she could cause all sorts of trouble for them. He thought it was extremely ironic that Shepard wouldn't be safe until the Reapers came. The question was whether Anderson and Hackett were allies or enemies. Did they want her alive or dead?

  
"I need to get back to my duties," he said, throwing the blankets aside. "She isn't safe."

  
"Slow down, Lieutenant," Hackett said. "You haven't been cleared for duty."

  
"Then clear me, damn it!" he barked.

  
"Shepard is fine," Hackett said. "She's with Major Alenko. He'll be replacing Morris when you get back."

  
"Alenko's no better than Morris," James protested. "Assign Steve Cortez, sir. He's loyal."

  
"Cortez? The fighter pilot?" Hackett asked.

  
"He has training," James pointed out.

  
Hackett rubbed his beard and said, "I'll consider it. In the meantime, you stay here and get better. That's an order. She needs you at a hundred percent."

  
Hackett certainly talked like he wanted to protect Shepard, but Vega didn't completely trust it. The man was the Admiral of the Navy. He'd been the one to send Shepard to Aratoht in the first place. Were Anderson and Hackett kings or pawns that just thought they were kings? Could Hackett have been manipulated somehow? It didn't seem likely. The admiral turned to go and Vega said, "Wait, sir. Permission to speak freely?"

  
Hackett turned and his mouth was quirked in a wry smile. "The lack of it hasn't ever stopped you before. Yes, go ahead."

  
"Did you know?" he asked. It was a broad enough question that he thought it would go unnoticed.

  
"No," Hackett answered.

  
If he was telling the truth and James' suspicions were correct, then Hackett had been manipulated. He was a smart man. He'd probably figured it out by now, but he would have to stay within the party lines, at least overtly. If he was trying to keep Shepard alive, he was pulling invisible strings to do so, subtly moving pieces into place. "And Anderson?" he asked.

  
"Loves her like a daughter," Hackett said.

  
James nodded and the admiral left. He looked down at his bandaged chest and cursed himself for his inattention. If he'd been paying less attention to Shepard and Alenko and more to the batarian, he'd be guarding Shepard now. On the other hand, if he hadn't been here, he might not have figured out what was going on until it was too late. Maybe this was a good thing. He just hoped Shepard's trust in Alenko was still shaky enough that she didn't place all of it with him. The major was Alliance blue to the bone and didn't trust Shepard. It would be far too easy to convince him that she was a Cerberus plant rather than Shepard and to look the other way. He would see it as duty.

 

oOoOoOo

 

The apartment door opened and Shepard looked up. A man she didn't recognize stood in the doorway. Kaidan rose and drew his pistol, placing himself between Shepard and the man. "Identify yourself," he ordered.

  
The man saluted and said calmly, "Lieutenant Steve Cortez, reporting for duty. Admiral Hackett himself gave me my orders. I have them here."

  
Kaidan relaxed and holstered his pistol. Cortez passed him a datapad and Kaidan read it thoroughly before giving it to Shepard. "It's good," he said. "I am curious as to why Admiral Hackett chose a flight lieutenant as a bodyguard, though."

  
Cortez didn't seem to take offense. He said, "I'm combat trained. If my fighter gets shot down over hostile territory, I have to be prepared to survive alone long enough to either get myself out or give reinforcements time to arrive. Most of us have been to the Villa. I was actually a couple N5 classes behind you, Commander."

  
"Yeah?" Shepard asked. "Was Sergeant Kirkland still there?"

  
"Oh, yeah," he said with a grin and a shake of his head. "'If you die, that's just nature's way of telling you that you failed.'"

  
"Yup. That's Kirkland. Good enough for me," Shepard said.

  
"See you later, then," Kaidan said.

  
When he'd left, Cortez came fully into the room and said, "Vega wanted me to tell you he's hoping to get back sometime next week."

  
"You know Vega?" she asked.

  
He nodded. "We served together on Fehl Prime. I was on a different team, but we all knew each other."

  
"He doesn't talk about Fehl Prime," she said and told herself she wasn't digging for information.

  
"Do you talk about Elysium, Commander?" Cortez asked.

  
"No," she said. "Was it really that bad? He...mentioned civilians once."

  
"It's not my story to tell, ma'am," he said. "Are you hungry? I happen to be a very good cook and I missed chow."

  
"All right, Lieutenant," she said. "I'll keep my questions to myself. And, yes, I'm starving and unfortunately, my food is only edible with a lot of hot sauce. And we're out."

  
Cortez grinned and said, "Lucky for you, my food doesn't need hot sauce."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ustedes pendejos no sirven para nada más que cubrirse sus propios culos.--You assholes aren't good for anything but covering your own asses.  
> Crecí en Buenos Aires. Hablo español, para su información. --I grew up in Buenos Aires. I speak Spanish, for your information.


	9. Chapter 9

_What if it makes you sad at me? And what if it makes you laugh now, but you cry as you fall asleep? What if it takes your breath and you can't hardly breathe? And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound? What if what I want makes you sad at me? And is it all my fault or can I fix it, please? 'Cause you know that I'm always all for you._

_And what if it makes you lose faith in me? And what if it makes you question every moment you cannot see? And what if it makes you crash and you can't find the key? And what if it makes you ask how you could let it all go? What if what I want makes you sad at me?_

 

___

 

"So, what the hell happened to Garrus' face?"

His question came out of nowhere and Shepard looked up at Kaidan. She'd clearly forgotten that he'd seen Garrus on Horizon. "Rocket from a gunship at close range," she said tersely. "He was lucky to survive."

"What, exactly, led up to him taking a rocket to the face?" Kaidan asked incredulously. She'd pulled some crazy stunts on their hunt for Saren, but—Ash obviously excepted—she'd never gotten them in that deep.

"He pissed somebody off," she said evasively.

 _That was obvious_ , he thought. "Yeah," Kaidan said. "I'll say. Did you..."

"I had nothing to do with it," she said defensively. "I'm not responsible for every bad thing that happens to everyone I know, just most of them."

He gave a low whistle and raised his hands. He'd clearly hit a sore spot. "Wow. Someone's in a bad mood. Forgive me for asking. Garrus was my friend, too, you know."

"I'm allowed to have bad days, Kaidan," she snapped. "I'm in jail for saving the galaxy and still not sure I'm not going to end up in front of a firing squad. I almost ended up in the hands of the batarians. I held a friend as he almost died in my arms. And only a few months ago, several other friends did die right in front of me. I think I've earned a day to be human and be pissed off at the universe."

"Hey," he said in a placating tone, "it's all right. You're allowed to be pissed off. I just want to know if I need to get out of the line of fire because you've been throwing heat at me all day. So why don't you just say what you want to say and get it out?"

"I'm not the one with something to say," she accused.

Kaidan still wasn't certain about Shepard. She looked like Shepard, though some things had changed. The scar bisecting her eyebrow and nose was gone and had been replaced by faint lines that he could only see when she turned her head a certain way. Her nose was crooked now where it had been straight and he was sure she'd broken it at least once. But the angles of her face, the color of her hair and eyes, the shape of her lips were all Shepard. She moved like Shepard and she talked like Shepard. She seemed to have Shepard's memories and she certainly had her mannerisms and her passion. He was still unnerved by the red light he could occasionally see behind her eyes when it was dark and there was no light refracting off of them, though. It made him wonder if she was really real or not.

If she was, then he didn't know if she was the same woman he'd once known. Logically, he could understand why she might have gone to Cerberus. If they had brought her back to life, then she might be willing to overlook some things. Throw in that they'd given her a ship, and not just any ship but the _Normandy_ reborn and better than before, and she very well may have felt like she owed it to them to stay. She should have been asking to come back to the Alliance, back to him, rather than asking him to leave the Alliance and work for Cerberus with her. She should have known he couldn't do that. Shepard wouldn't have done that...would she?

He didn't know. He'd thought after Ash's death and after their night before Ilos that he'd gotten close to her, that he'd finally been allowed inside the walls she built around herself. Then, he'd woken up and had been on the verge of pouring his heart out to her and all she could say was, 'You're a sweetheart, Kaidan.' She hadn't even slept in the bed with him. She'd already been dressed.

"Why didn't you sleep with me?" he asked without thinking.

"I did," she said, looking vaguely confused.

"No," he said. "I don't mean sex. I mean sleep. Why didn't you sleep with me?"

"After Ilos?" she asked.

"Before," he answered, beginning to feel frustrated. He couldn't tell if she was being deliberately obtuse or if she genuinely didn't know what he was talking about. "The night before Ilos, I slept alone in your bed."

"No, you didn't," she said, looking as confused as before. "I just woke up before you did. I was too restless to get back to sleep and I was afraid I'd wake you. I didn't want you to miss out just because I was awake. I didn't realize until I'd already dressed and gone for coffee and come back that you sleep like the dead. By that point, I was wide awake and worrying about the mission and it was too late to try again. So... I watched you sleep instead. You looked...peaceful and it made me feel peaceful. Has that really upset you all this time?"

"No," he said. "I just...wondered."

"You never came back," she said, so quietly that he thought he might have imagined it. She looked down at the coffee mug she held in her hands and turned it thoughtfully. "You said it meant everything to you, but you never came back."

"We'd gone back to the Alliance," he said. "Regs—"

"No," she said. "You're right. Those regs are in place for a reason. Ignoring them gets people killed."

Kaidan had suspected when he'd heard her play, but now he was sure. "He died, didn't he?" he asked, making sure his tone was gentle rather than accusing. "The one you moved on with, I mean. He was one of the ones who died."

"Yes," she said. "I don't want to talk about it."

It stung, knowing that she'd loved someone else. "I thought we were going to...I don't know, try to work it out. Didn't you get my message?"

"I did," she said softly. "But 'maybe' someday 'when things settle down a little' doesn't mean much when you're staring down the barrel of a suicide mission and all of the chambers are loaded. We were all going to die anyway, so why take you away from your doctor on the Citadel and the new life you were building? It was...easier, I think, to love someone from whom I was taking nothing, someone I knew was going to die at some point whether I was there or not because someone always dies when I love anyone. My parents died. Alex died. Hell, I loved you and both Ash and I died."

That was news to him. That was a lot of news to him, actually. He stored the rest away for later examination and repeated the pertinent part. "You loved me?"

"Of course, I did," she said as if it had been obvious when it very, very clearly had not. "I was with you, wasn't I? I don't sleep around, Kaidan. Do you really think I talked about my childhood, about the Reds, about Elysium with everyone? I told you things I'd never spoken about with anyone."

"Do you still love me?" he asked, feeling his heart clench and his mouth go dry. He wanted to take the question back, especially when she sighed and hung her head lower.

"I don't know, K.," she said quietly.

She called him K. She hadn't called him that since she'd been back. The way she'd said it, that wasn't something that could be faked. It had rolled too easily off of her tongue. There'd been a world of depth and feeling and meaning to it. She was Shepard. He wanted to go to her, to pick her up and carry her into that tiny bedroom, throw her down on the bed and pick up where they'd left off before Ilos. He wanted to take her into his arms and hold her. He wanted to kiss her until the past years blew away like dust in the wind and it was just him and her and time meant nothing. But she was a prisoner and he was her guard and even if she really was Shepard, he still didn't know this new Shepard and there was still an almost three-year chasm between them.

"Did it hurt?" he said suddenly, asking the question that had plagued him for two long years.

"Yeah," she sighed. "Dying hurt. Coming back hurt, too."

"What was—" he began before cutting himself off. He didn't want to make her relive that and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. It was bad enough knowing she'd been in pain. He didn't want to think about her being out there, scared and alone and hurting and dying. He'd thought far too much about that for far too long.

She answered anyway. "What was it like?" She leaned back into the couch and looked up at the ceiling. "At first, I thought I'd be okay. The planet was close, but the Alliance was on its way. I had oxygen. I had a pressurized suit. Floating out there like that was disorienting, but I'd been in zero-G before. Then, I felt the hiss at my back. I didn't realize what it was at first and when I did, I thought I could reach it. I don't know what I thought I could do about it, but I thought I could do something. But once they'd ruptured, the seals blew wide open in seconds and the pressure went down and I had to fight the urge to hold my breath. I screamed like they teach you to do to keep the air expelling and my lungs from rupturing and..."

When she paused, he sat down beside her and hesitantly took her hand. She looked down at their entwined fingers and he said, "You don't have to do this, Shepard. I shouldn't have asked."

"No," she said after a long moment. "It's okay. It's just...no one's ever asked me before. I've never had to describe it. Everyone just acted like nothing had happened, like I'd just been asleep for two years and now I was awake and it was time to go again."

"No one asked if you were okay?" he asked. "Not even Garrus or Tali?"

"No," she said and he felt a pang in his chest. He hadn't asked, either. He'd been so caught up in his own pain that he hadn't thought about hers until later.

"I'm sorry," he said.

She nodded and he thought she was going to remove her hand, but she left it where it was and looked up at the ceiling again. "I don't know how to describe it," she finally said. "It hurt and I was afraid and it took months after I was brought back to sleep without nightmares. There's a porthole over my bed in my cabin and I would force myself to stare at it because damned if I was going to be afraid of the stars. I couldn't breathe. That was the worst part. Everything hurt, but it didn't matter because I couldn't breathe and I wasn't sure that you or the others were safe and I was watching my ship explode and I felt like it was inside of me. I still don't like wearing breathers and I spent a lot of time in the hold in an enviro-suit with the pressure and artificial gravity turned off before I regained my confidence. And when I came back...everything had changed." Her voice had dropped to a whisper on the last sentence and he squeezed her hand.

"I'm sorry," he said, unsure of whether he was apologizing for himself or others or for her death in general.

She swallowed hard and released his hand. He didn't know whether to follow her or not when she rose and left the room, so he stayed where he was. A moment later, she came back with her violin in hand. When he looked at her curiously, she said, "There's this song I listened to a lot after Horizon. I learned to play it. It...seems appropriate right now."

She'd learned to play a song for him. That meant that whatever it had to say was important. Shepard didn't know how to talk about her feelings. Growing up on the streets as she had, it wasn't exactly a skill she'd developed. She'd told him once that doing so was seen as a sign of weakness that would bring the others circling like sharks in bloody water. But when she'd played, people had listened. It had been a safe way to express herself. She'd taken that lesson with her into adulthood. The most important things that Shepard had to say often came from her fingers rather than her mouth.

He knew from the first note that this was not a happy message. The low key set an introspective tone from the beginning, but he found his focus torn from the instrument as she opened her mouth and began to sing. Shepard hummed on occasion when she was tinkering with her rifle or working on something that didn't require her full attention, but he'd only heard her sing twice before. The first time was in the Mako and she'd been deliberately awful. The second had been shortly after the Battle of the Citadel and she'd been drunk. She could carry a tune even when she was hammered, but the song she'd chosen that night had been some silly little ditty about coconuts. This was nothing like that.

"Shepard," he said as memories from the SR-1 flooded his mind. She shook her head and continued to play. He gripped the edge of the couch and felt all of the grief and longing of the two years that she'd been gone sweep over him. He remembered watching her struggle in the void, remembered being helpless to do anything to save her, remembered pounding on the window of the escape pod and screaming her name until Liara had put him into stasis so that he didn't break his hands.

He remembered the empty coffin with the Alliance flag draped over it and the picture of her with the assault rifle she never used standing in place of the body they'd never found. He remembered going to Flux with the rest of the crew and getting so shitfaced drunk that Garrus and Wrex had to carry him out. He remembered Joker crying with his head on the table and wishing that he could do the same, but the grief was too deep, too big, too empty for tears.

He felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. They were on Horizon again and he was looking at her like she was a stranger. Questions were racing through his mind while accusations and pain and recrimination curled in his belly. He could see the same pain echoed in her eyes now that had flashed in them before and he remembered the way it felt when his faith in her had died. He hadn't seen her. He hadn't seen Garrus. All he'd seen was that grey and gold logo that had come to mean so many things to him and none of them good. All he could see was betrayal. He remembered taking his doubt and fear and disgust and pain and forging them into weapons that he'd hurled at her as surely as he'd hurled his biotics at Vyrnnus and he felt them hit and destroy something inside of her as certainly as he'd destroyed the turian who'd hurt Rahna.

She lowered the bow and the violin and stood silently with her arms slightly splayed and her vulnerability written across her face. After all these years, she'd finally done what he would have given everything for. She'd opened up and now she stood in front of him, begging in the only way she knew for another chance. The only thing he had to do was to give it to her. She bit her lip and he saw the tremor in her limbs that signified that she had given all she could and she was about to close up again and draw her pride around her like the biotic sphere she'd cast around herself and Vega. If he allowed her to do that, this moment, like the night before Ilos, would never come again and he would spend the rest of his life wondering what might have been.

He closed the distance between them in two deliberate strides. Her eyes stayed locked onto his and he saw hope flash in them as he raised his hands and slid them along her scarred jaw and into her hair. She didn't move as he lowered his head and tilted her face up to meet his, but when his lips ghosted over hers, she inhaled in a broken gasp of air that was his undoing. He groaned and met her mouth fully with his and everything, everything fell into place. She felt the same. She tasted the same.

Heat and need flashed through him and what he'd intended as something soft and tender morphed into a desperate quest to bring them close enough together that nothing could ever separate them again. He slid one hand around to cup the back of her head. When he drew the other down to circle her waist and pull her flush against him, she finally moved and he felt her throw her arm around his neck. The bow tapped lightly against his shoulder and he almost laughed. Of course, even now, she would be conscious enough to turn the hairs away from him to protect it.

His hand slipped under the edge of her shirt. He felt her skin, hot and silky, against his calloused fingertips. She shivered and her arm tightened around his neck as she rose onto her toes to further close the distance between them. Her teeth scraped over his lip and she sighed his name into his mouth. He forgot everything but the need to be closer to her, to make their bodies one. He shifted his grip on her, sliding his arm so that he could lift her up. Her legs wrapped around his waist without hesitation and the sensation of her body pressed against his was almost too much to bear. He didn't think he was going to make it to the bedroom with her. She made a sound of protest when he raised his head to look around for a suitable place to lay her down, but she didn't stop. Her hot tongue slid along his throat and her teeth scraped along the tendon in his neck, making his knees go weak. He'd just decided that the floor would work as well as anywhere else when his gaze caught on the subtle ripple of the kinetic barrier over the window and reality came crashing back down.

Whatever they'd once been, she was a prisoner and he was a guard. He wasn't doing his job when his tongue was down her throat and he was so lost in her that he forgot where he was. A platoon of batarians could have made it through the door and he'd have been too lost in her to notice until it was too late. The list of regulations they'd just broken scrolled through his mind in a seemingly endless loop. It wasn't just fraternization now. He was in a position of power over her. He knew damn good and well that didn't mean anything to her, but it did to the Alliance.

His entire life since Jump Zero had been focused on being true to the Alliance and making a difference in the galaxy. He couldn't throw that away now, even for her. The Alliance needed him and he owed it to them to be loyal. The military was his life. It was his center, his frame of reference, the thing that had kept him sane when she'd died. He couldn't do this.

She read the change in him and deduced its source with unsurprising speed. He felt her slip through his fingers with a finality that pierced him to the core. Her eyes were shuttered and her face carefully blank when it turned to him again. Her voice was formal and collected when she said simply, "Major." He wanted to stop her, wanted to apologize, wanted to beg her to stay, but instead, he watched as she walked out of the room and felt like she was walking out of his life more completely than she ever had on Horizon. He sank weakly down onto the couch, buried his face in his hands, and cursed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "What If" by Safetysuit


	10. Chapter 10

James' concern for Shepard hadn't diminished by the time he was released from the hospital almost a month after the attack, but knowing that Esteban was with her helped a little. Cortez was a good soldier, but he thought for himself and he didn't avoid the truth even if it was ugly. James hadn't found a way to get him alone where they could talk yet, but Cortez knew him well enough to pick up on his concern and it didn't take much to get him looking in the right direction, so he knew the gist even if he didn't have the details yet. It was enough, especially when Cortez told him about Alenko challenging him when he'd arrived, to think that maybe she'd be safe even without him. That didn't mean he wasn't ready to get back to her. He wouldn't feel comfortable until she was under his protection again.

Cortez met him at the entrance to the hospital and piloted the skycar over to the building that housed the detention center. "Finally broke out, huh? How are you feeling?"

"Sore," James admitted. "But I'm glad to be on my feet. Who's with Shepard?"

"Major Alenko," Cortez answered. "She's fine. They're, ah, kinda tense, but they ate breakfast together this morning, so that's an improvement." James felt a spurt of envy at the thought of another man eating breakfast with Lola, but crushed it. He was glad they were connecting. He really was. It meant Shepard would be safer. Cortez didn't notice his sudden tension. "Feliz Navidad, by the way."

"Oh, shit," James cursed. "It is Christmas Eve, isn't it? Look, can we take a detour off base for a few?" Cortez immediately redirected the skycar but looked to James for explanation. "Shepard's got no one and she's in the brig. I wanna get her something to make her feel better."

"I hadn't thought of that," Cortez said. "She seems to like my cooking. I have today's shift. If we stop at the commissary, I can get some supplies and I'll cook her a nice dinner."

"I'll help," James offered. He knew Cortez thought he was just planning to drop by and check on her, but he hadn't seen her in weeks and a few minutes wouldn't cut it.

Cortez gave him a sideways look. "You're voluntarily going to spend Christmas Eve in the brig when you don't have to? Man, you have got it bad."

"No, I don't," he denied, knowing it was a lie. He'd fallen hard for the commander. It didn't matter, though. Now, more than ever, he had to put his personal feelings aside. She needed him to be at the top of his game, not mooning over her like a lovestruck teenager. Getting involved with her would be dangerous. It would be just the excuse the brass needed to pull his ass off this detail. Besides, he was certain she didn't feel the same way about him. "All my family's in California. You're the only friend I have here and you're going to be there. She's all alone on Christmas. Where else would I go?"

"Uh huh," Cortez said, sounding unconvinced. Thankfully, though, he let it drop.

Finding the supplies they needed for dinner even at the last minute turned out to be the easy part. Figuring out a gift for someone in the brig was a lot harder. She wasn't allowed anything that could be used as a weapon. Even the sharp knives were kept in a drawer keyed to the guards' DNA. Someone would scan anything he brought in. She didn't really need anything. All of her necessities were provided. She didn't seem like the type to go for frivolous things and everything else he could think of was either far too personal or ridiculous.

"Help me out here, Esteban," he finally said. "I don't have a clue what to get her." What did one get the savior of the Citadel and Collector-killer for Christmas?

"She likes books," Cortez said. "And model ships. And fish."

"How do you know that?" he asked.

"I was on the retrofit team for the _Normandy_ before I got put on this detail," Cortez reminded him. "I had to go up to her cabin to find her weapons and armor when we moved the armory. She has books and a display case with model ships and a fish tank."

"I can't afford real books and pets aren't allowed in the brig," he said. "What kind of model ships?"

"She had a little bit of everything," he said. "Turian cruisers, a geth liveship, a Reaper, the _Destiny Ascension_ , one even I didn't recognize, and a bunch of others."

As they looked for a craft store that might have what they needed, James took the opportunity to bring Cortez up to speed without fear of being monitored. He didn't directly tell Cortez what he suspected. He just laid out the facts as he saw them and waited for Cortez to come to his own conclusions. It was a both a relief and a concern when the pilot came to the same one he had. Cortez agreed that she was in more danger from the Alliance than the batarians and promised to be wary. It made him feel better to know that he wasn't alone with this. There wasn't anything they could actively do, but at least they were prepared.

When they found the craft store, James located the stock of model ships and then stood in front of them, scratching his neck. There were a lot. He looked at Cortez. "You're the ship guy. What doesn't she have?"

Cortez scanned the selection and plucked a box from the shelf. "UT-47 Kodiak. I didn't see one of those. The Hammerhead's better, but they don't have it."

"She hates the Hammerhead," James said, remembering a story she'd told him about flying one over a lava stream and almost dying several times. His eyes caught on another box further up and he picked it up. "Did she have this?"

"No," Cortez said, shaking his head. "Good choice."

They paid for their selections and James threw in extra for gift wrap. The scanners could pick up the contents of the box without it needing to be opened and it made it feel more like Christmas. Cortez added a card and they both signed it before returning to the skycar and going back on base. They submitted to the scans before being admitted to the section reserved for officers on house arrest.

Technically, it was a low-security ward, but the feel of the place was still definitively prison-like. Cameras lined the hallways. Drones rested in pods near the ceiling at regular intervals, ready to come online should a prisoner escape. The doors all had mag locks that could be sealed to lock the area down at a moment's notice. Even the regular locks only opened with a signal from the guards' omni-tool. Shepard couldn't open her own front door without one of them present. DETENTION CENTER was written on all of the hallway walls in block letters and screens scrolled through the status of each prisoner in the bloc.

Shepard's apartment was small, containing a cramped living area with a table, two-person couch that folded out into an uncomfortable bed, and a single chair. It was attached to a barracks-style kitchenette, one bedroom holding nothing more than a bed that looked only slightly more comfortable than the one in the living room, a bookshelf, and a small dresser. The tiny bathroom connected to both the bedroom and the living area. A small alcove between the outer and inner set of doors leading into the apartment contained a scanner and another drone that would activate if she somehow managed to get the doors open without authorization. It was comfortable enough for two people who didn't mind occasionally bumping into each other, intimate with three, and crowded with four.

Alenko stood when they entered and James' salute encompassed both the major and Shepard. It was the only way he could get away with saluting her without her calling him out on it. The smile she gave him when she saw him warmed his heart. She looked genuinely happy to see him and he thought there was relief there as well. She was glad he was back. He wondered if she had figured out what was going on yet and if maybe she thought he was one of the few she could trust here. He hoped she felt more secure knowing he was back on guard. It was too much to hope that she was simply glad to see him.

"What's all that?" Alenko asked, gesturing to the packages they carried.

"Christmas," James answered. "Feliz Navidad, Shepard."

"Buon Natale," she replied with a grin. "Is it really Christmas already?"

"Christmas Eve," he answered, "and Esteban and I decided that we'd give you something more to celebrate than the already fantastic gift of our presence."

Alenko's eyes narrowed on James, but he didn't comment until Cortez began unloading groceries into the cooler. "You guys went all out."

"We don't have family here," Cortez said. "We figured we might as well make the most of it where we are." He looked around. "There should be a tree."

"There's no room for a tree," Shepard laughed. "We'd just knock it over."

Alenko looked out the window and back at the gifts sitting on the counter. He cocked his head and then shifted the side table a few inches. James watched curiously as the major transferred the gifts onto the table and then withdrew something from his pocket and placed it there as well. "There," he said. "There's a tree on that rooftop that's tall enough. If you look at it from the right angle, it sort of looks like there are presents under it."

Shepard moved to stand beside him and smiled. "It really does. But what are those?"

"Presents," James said. "It isn't Christmas without presents."

Her cheeks flushed and she said, "But I didn't get you guys anything."

"You killed the Collectors," James said. "That's a gift that keeps on giving."

"Amen," Cortez agreed as he poured amber liquid from a heavy glass bottle into glasses. "Major, would you like a drink?"

"That's Peruvian whiskey," Shepard said. "You don't even need to ask. It's his favorite."

Alenko raised an eyebrow and said hesitantly, "She's right. I suppose I could have one. Thank you."

Cortez passed the glasses around and the four of them clinked the rims together. "Merry Christmas," he said and the others repeated the toast.

Everyone stood in uncomfortable silence for an awkward moment after they'd finished their drinks and then Alenko offered to help Cortez with the food. Cortez accepted and James and Shepard moved to the living room where they took a seat on the couch and he turned on the vid screen out of habit more than desire to watch anything. Shepard looked around the apartment and then said, "I haven't celebrated Christmas since I was a kid."

"Seriously?" he asked.

She nodded. "My foster parents were always more concerned with spending the money they got from the state on themselves than getting us more than the basic necessities. There was one year with the Reds where one of the guys had managed to save up enough for an apartment and we all crashed there for a few months. One of the older girls scrounged together some stuff for a meal and we exchanged gifts but it was mostly little things we'd stolen. Even when there was money for things like that, we weren't exactly concerned with holidays. Then, when I joined the military, there was always a high demand for leave around this time of year and it seemed selfish for me to take it when others had families to spend it with, so I generally volunteer to stay and cover other people's shifts."

"Christmas is really big with my family," he told her. "Not so much my dad, but mi madre and mi abuela loved it. Tío Emilio took it over after they died. Any time I'm home, I go to his place for it. There's always a ton of food and all the cousins come home. It's too warm for a fire or anything, so we go out on the beach and play volleyball. It's an all-day thing. We usually do it on Christmas Eve like now, but it just kinda depends on everyone's schedules. They're all together today. I talked to them this morning."

"Where do you hang your stockings if you don't have a fire?" Alenko asked.

"The stairway banister," James answered.

"Huh," Alenko said. "I don't think I've ever thought about Christmas without a fireplace. My family does the traditional chestnut roasting thing and we catch a game on the vid screen. It's a lot of fun."

"I can handle this if you need to go," Cortez offered.

"Nah," Alenko said. "We celebrate on Boxing Day. We'll get together day after tomorrow. I'll go tomorrow just to see them, but I'm staying with them while I'm stationed here, so it isn't like I'm missing anything being here today. And you guys are right. It's a day for spending with the people you care about. Shepard shouldn't be alone. What does your family do?"

James quickly shook his head, but not before Cortez said quietly, "I'm an only child. I lost my parents a while back. Robert and I used to go to his family, but..." he trailed off.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said softly.

Cortez forced a smile and said, "Well, we're here now. That's what matters. Major, I think the oven's ready."

"I think we can drop the ranks for one day," Alenko said as he slid the turkey into the oven. "It's just Kaidan."

"Then call me Steve," Cortez said.

"James," Vega said.

They all turned to look expectantly at Shepard, who shook her head. "It's just Shepard."

"She hates her first name," Kaidan whispered loudly. "We used to make a game of trying to figure it out on the SR-1. I can tell you it isn't Matilda, Helga, Beatrice, Aurora, Leilani, Alice, Candy, Bambi, Barbie, Deedee, Sarah, or...what was that one that Garrus came up with, Shepard?"

"Dorothy," she said with a laugh. "I don't even know where he heard that one. The funny thing is, he's the closest one. My grandmother was named Dorothy."

"I had an aunt named Doratea," James said. "Emilio's wife. Tía Dora. So, what is it, Shepard?"

"If you have to have a first name, I'll stick with Lola," she said with a wink. "I think it's growing on me."

"You do look like a Lola," he said and grinned. She liked his nickname. That shouldn't make his stomach flip the way it did.

There was a knock on the door and Cortez, as her assigned guard for the day, moved to answer it. Admiral Anderson stepped inside a moment later with a bottle in his hand. A red bow was wrapped around the neck and when Shepard went to him, he handed it to her and said, "I hadn't realized you had company. I would have come tomorrow, but I'm on duty."

"Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys," she said with a wry smile as she examined the label on the bottle. "Well, except for Kaidan. Apparently, this is the place to be this Christmas. Thank you for this."

"I thought a peace offering was in order," he said, lowering his voice.

"Why?" she asked.

He glanced at the others in the room, who made themselves look busy, and said, "I was wrong not to support you more than I did, Shepard. I never should have allowed the things I did. I shouldn't have allowed you to get locked up like this. I was on the Council. They weren't happy about your incarceration. I could have swayed them into stepping in. I didn't."

"Anderson," she said gently, "you stepped down for me. You were the first person to believe me about the Reapers and the first to believe me about the Collectors. Yes, you should have done more, but I know my current situation would have been much worse if you hadn't spoken up for me. I'm not angry with you."

"Good," the admiral said with a self-deprecating chuckle. "That doesn't usually turn out well for those you are."

"I'm not that bad!" she exclaimed.

"No," Anderson said warmly, "you're worse."

"You're terrible," she laughed.

"You're terrible..." he prompted.

"You're terrible, sir," she said with a smile.

Anderson laughed and drew her into a hug without regard for their audience. "I'm proud of you, child. I don't think I tell you that enough."

"Thanks," she said. "Come on in...if you can find some room, that is."

He shook his head. "I won't stay. I just wanted to come by and wish you merry Christmas. Don't drink all of that at one time now, you hear? I know you could drink a krogan under the table, but I don't think we can afford the property damage."

"It was good to see you, Anderson," she said.

"You, too, Shepard. You look good. You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said. "I want to get back out there, but I'm okay."

"You will," he said and it sounded like a promise.

James surreptitiously watched the exchange, paying close attention to the tones of their voices and to their body language. He thought Hackett's estimation that Anderson viewed her as a daughter was probably correct. He seemed genuine, so James decided it was probably closer to a case of semi-benign neglect rather than actively plotting against her. It had been easier for Anderson to overlook some things, so he had. That didn't mean he'd sanctioned anything against her. Of course, he very well could be a complete sociopath and able to do so and then present a convincing façade of concern. He'd have to be a damn good actor and the likelihood of him being able to get to this point without being detected if he really was that dead inside was low. He probably wasn't a threat to her. James was going to test the alcohol in that bottle before she drank any of it, though.

She returned to him when the admiral left and they watched the rugby game on the screen in companionable quiet while Cortez and Alenko talked in the kitchen. All in all, James decided, it wasn't the worst Christmas he'd ever spent. He missed Emilio and his cousins, but as he'd told her, he'd talked to them earlier and they were all doing well. There really wasn't anywhere he'd rather be right now. The part of him that had looked at her as something more than human was amazed. He was spending Christmas Eve with Commander Shepard and tomorrow was his day on duty, so he'd get Christmas with her, too. The kid he'd been before Fehl Prime would have given his left arm for this.

"How are you doing?" she asked when the game ended. "I couldn't get updates until Steve came."

"I'm all right," he said. "It's still a little tight when I move certain ways, but the doc cleared me for duty." The doc had said that his dense musculature had been his saving grace. If Shepard had taken the same hit, she probably would have drowned on her own blood before the medics could arrive. "I was wondering where you learned to do that biotic bubble."

"Liara taught me," she said. "With the L5n implant I got, I can make it completely impervious until it falls, but I can't do anything else. I decided being able to move was more important. It isn't as strong when it's free-standing like that, which is why you don't see people do it that way often, but the mobility more than makes up for it in my opinion. Most people save it as a last resort because it takes a lot of energy, but my implant can more than handle it."

"You got the L5?" Alenko asked, sounding surprised. "Weren't you worried about the risk?"

"Mordin is very good," she said. "I trusted him to get it right. The benefits were more than worth the risk."

"I didn't realize your biotics were strong enough to warrant something like that," Alenko said.

"They weren't," she answered. "It was a benefit of my reconstruction. Miranda said it wasn't intentional, but she doesn't do anything by accident, so I figure she probably decided my eezo nodules needed 'optimizing' or something."

"Miranda was..."

"The one with me on Horizon, yes," she said, answering the major's unspoken question.

"I wasn't going to go there," Alenko said.

"It's fine, Kaidan," she said. "Let's let bygones be bygones."

Outside the windows, the sun began to set. Shepard turned her attention to the windows and something sad passed over her eyes as she watched the sky turn golden, but she shook it off. Cortez soon announced that the food was ready and they formed a line in the small kitchen to prepare their plates before crowding around the dining table. The abundance of food seemed to relax all of them and Shepard and Kaidan soon began regaling James and Esteban with tales from their hunt for Saren.

James was surprised to hear the major tease her about her apparently horrendous driving and penchant for attempting to destroy the Mako. Shepard laughed and said, "Would you believe it survived the crash? I went to the site and the ship was broken into pieces and buried in the ice, but the Mako sat there like nothing had happened. A shovel and a few hours of work from Garrus probably would have had it running again. I proposed going back for it. Tali started hyperventilating and Garrus threatened to mutiny, so I left it where it was." Her eyes darkened momentarily when she mentioned going to the crash site, but she recovered quickly.

Kaidan shuddered and said, "I don't blame him. Have you guys ever been in a vehicle with a carsick krogan? It isn't pretty."

"I like the Mako," James said.

That led to an enthusiastic debate on the merits of the Mako versus the Hammerhead. As he'd warned Cortez, Shepard loathed the Hammerhead and steadfastly argued against it. She went a different direction than the others and lauded the Kodiak, saying it was far easier to just fly in to the LZ rather than having to maneuver a vehicle that handled like a drunken elcor. Cortez insisted that she only felt that way because she wasn't the one flying it. James wasn't surprised when he began singing the praises of the F-61 Trident. To their credit, the others' eyes didn't glaze over, but then, they hadn't heard this spiel a thousand times.

"He can do this all night," James warned. "Esteban loves his Trident as much as Shepard loves the _Normandy_."

"Mr. Vega's just jealous because everyone thinks pilots are sexy," Cortez ribbed.

"Psshh," James scoffed. "I mean, look at this. Who am I to be jealous? I am a perfect physical specimen."

"Right," Shepard drawled. "I bet you just have to beat the women off with a stick."

"Nah," he grinned. "Doesn't work. They like my stick too much."

Alenko snorted his drink and began to cough. Shepard reached over and pounded on his back. "You okay there, Kaidan? Stay with us, buddy."

"I think I'm offended," James joked. "No. You know what? That's okay. Not everyone can appreciate the majesty that is one James Vega."

Shepard shook her head and Cortez rolled his eyes as he began clearing their empty plates. Shepard stood. "You cooked. Sit down. The Majestic Mr. Vega and I will clean."

James hated doing dishes but doing dishes with Shepard was a totally different thing. It was...homey. He had a slight buzz going from the alcohol—not much of one as he was still conscious of his need to be on guard, but Cortez was sober and he'd decided he could let loose a little—and he let himself enjoy it without telling himself to stop. He could almost imagine that they were all just friends hanging out together in a real apartment, celebrating the holiday together. He could see himself coming up behind Shepard and sliding his arms around her waist, could feel her leaning back into him with a happy sigh. She'd look up at him and...yeah, not a good idea to go there. He didn't want to embarrass himself. He did allow himself to skim his fingers over her lower back as he passed behind her to get to the cooler so that he could put the leftovers away and he caught the quirk of her lips before she stiffened slightly and began scrubbing hard at the pan in the sink.

 _What was that all about?_ he wondered. He knew she was a physically demonstrative person. She'd shown no hesitation about coming up to hug him when he'd been upset and he'd noticed her tendency toward little things like a hand on someone's shoulder or a pat on the back. Then there'd been that little caress when he'd been injured. Of course, those had all been her touching others rather than others touching her, but she hadn't minded when Anderson had hugged her. Was it just him, then? If so, what did that mean? Did she not want him to touch her? Or did it have something to do with Alenko being in the other room? If it did, did that mean that she was starting to look at him in a comparable light and felt uncomfortable with it? He didn't know, so he decided to refrain until he did. He shouldn't be touching her like that anyway because it mixed signals in his own head and he didn't want her uncomfortable with him.

Alenko turned on a hockey game and they made bets on it that largely consisted of IOUs since Shepard wasn't allowed access to her bank account and they didn't want to leave her out. She and Kaidan picked the winning team and James and Cortez transferred their credits to Alenko and promised to give Shepard hers as soon as she was out. James hadn't realized Shepard was such a hockey buff, but when he mentioned it, she said, "Baseball's my true love, but hockey's a close second. We used to play it in the streets with whatever we could use to form sticks and a puck. None of us had skates, so we just slid around on the ice in our shoes, but it was still fun."

Shepard played Christmas carols for them on her violin and James didn't think there was a dry eye in the room by the time she was finished. Alenko rose from the dining chair he'd drawn over and went to the table holding their gifts. He picked up the smaller one he'd put there earlier and brought it over to her. "Merry Christmas, Shepard."

"You guys really didn't have to do this," she said as she carefully unwrapped it. "Rosin," she said happily. "It's even the right brand. How'd you know?"

Alenko shrugged. "My sister plays the cello. I asked her what she recommended."

"Thank you," she said. "I thought I was going to run out before I could get more."

Cortez passed his gift to her and she took her time with that one as well. She laughed when she saw the model Kodiak. "No Trident?" she asked with a grin.

"You already have a Trident," he said and explained how he knew.

"This is great, Steve," she said. "Thank you. It'll give me something to do with my hands. That was very thoughtful of you."

James brought his to her and she joked about feeling spoiled before she opened it and gasped. "You found it! Look, Kaidan! It's the SR-1. I've been trying to find one of these for months! I've been leaving the center slot open for it." She looked up at Cortez. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to downplay yours. I love the Kodiak, but..."

"But it's the _Normandy_ ," Cortez said. "Trust me, Shepard, I completely get it. I figured that would be the one that stole the day when he found it."

Shepard carried the box to the table and said, "Thank you all. Seriously. This was all so personal and perfect and..." she paused to clear her throat, "and you guys spent Christmas in the brig for me and you made it Christmas. That's the best gift of all."

"I enjoyed it," Cortez said. "It's nice to have someone to spend it with again."

Alenko said, "It doesn't really feel like Christmas yet. You're Catholic, right, Shepard?"

"I'm not practicing," she said, looking at him thoughtfully, "but I think I know where this is going and I'm open to it."

"What about you two?" he asked and James and Cortez nodded.

Alenko said, "Shepard, you're cleared to go to chapel. Mom and Dad just messaged and said they're doing midnight Mass. I can see if they'd be willing to come on base for it and we can all go."

His family agreed to the change and the four of them loaded into the skycar. Cortez drove them to the chapel. It had begun to rain and the lights from the buildings they passed sparkled within the drops, casting miniature rainbows through the night. Off base, they could see the decorative lights strung up around the city. Several of the skyscrapers were lit with images of trees and wrapped presents and other holiday themes. He could see Shepard in the seat in front of him with her head against the window, looking out over the night.

Cortez found a parking space near the chapel and they walked through the light drizzle and joined the line making its way inside. Most of them might not have been devout, but James noticed that they all reflexively dipped their fingers in the basin of holy water by the door and made the sign of the cross. They accepted the datapads that contained the outline of the service with the responses and the candles that the greeters passed out. The content of Mass didn't vary much from parish to parish, but the responses differed slightly based on the region and the predominant language spoken. James was accustomed to Mass delivered in Spanish and Shepard said her parish had always done it in Latin. This was in English.

He took a place between Shepard and Cortez with Alenko on her other side of her and his parents, sister, and brother-in-law taking up the rest of the row. They stood for the procession before taking their seat for the readings. The air was heavy with the comforting smell of incense and he reflected that he hadn't realized how much the scent had permeated his formative years. It was easy to tell the regular church-goers from those who primarily attended at Christmas and Easter. The former smoothly transitioned between periods of sitting, standing, and kneeling while the latter consulted their programs and were a half-step behind, following those for whom the motions were second-nature. To his surprise, Shepard fit in with the former. When she caught his glance, she whispered, "Parochial school."

"Strict abuela," he replied in kind as he tried not to picture Shepard in a plaid skirt. He could all but hear his abuela scolding him for his dirty mind and turned his focus to more appropriate things.

He wondered what Shepard might have been like if her father hadn't died. Would she still be a soldier, would she still be the soldier that she was, if she'd been raised in a loving home with two parents? They hadn't been poor if she'd been sent to a private school and he knew she was smart even if her education had been unconventional after her parents' death. Would she have pursued the violin instead of the military? Would she have attended some place like Julliard and performed in a theater of music rather than the theater of war? Would she have grown up without shadow of loss behind her eyes?

When the time came to greet those around them, he realized that Shepard already knew Alenko's family. Rather than shaking her hand, the major's mother and sister hugged her and his father clapped her on the shoulder with surprising familiarity. They might not have known her well, but they'd known her and showed none of the major's hesitation about accepting her back. He wondered what had happened between Shepard and Alenko.

The rest of the service passed fairly quickly. James decided he liked this. It had been a good idea. The military chapel was different from the one back home where the local plumber led the music with a guitar and his abuela's best friend played the aging organ and the crucifix at the front was carved from an ancient redwood by the priest's grandfather and everyone knew everyone else, but it was still nice. It was a respite from the worries and stresses of soldiers who knew that war was on the horizon. For a few hours, they were able to forget and just be. And Shepard's presence at his side was a definite bonus.

Once again, he found himself imagining what it would be like to be two normal people and to be with her. He told himself that he was stupid for wanting a house on the beach with a gaggle of kids running around, block parties on Saturday night followed by Mass on Sunday morning and a big meal out on the veranda afterward while watching the seagulls fly over the ocean. Even if the Reapers weren't coming, even if she was interested in him, that wasn't the type of people they were. People like them didn't get futures like that. They'd seen and done too much to ever fit into a normal life. He didn't think either of them would know how to do that. He'd be lying to himself if he said he didn't want it, though.


	11. Chapter 11

**Art by Story/unlucky-words**

 

Shepard opened her eyes to a room that was far too bright. The sunlight flashed a brilliant white against the walls and ceiling. She instantly recognized that particular kind of light. A glance out the window confirmed it and she grabbed a robe and wrapped it around herself to shield against the cold that she damn well knew couldn't touch her in here. It didn't matter. She hated snow. She and Garrus had that in common. Kaidan would probably be happy, though. He loved the snow. It was rare in Vancouver and had been a treat for him. He'd been the only one of them who'd actually liked Noveria. The only reason she'd gone skiing on Elysium was because she'd never done it before and she was determined not to miss out on an experience because of the damn weather.

She padded out of the bedroom in the thick, fuzzy socks she favored and almost always wore on her downtime because she couldn't stand it when her feet got cold and found Vega with an arm propped against the window and his forehead pressed to the glass like a child. His body vibrated with excitement. She thought it was funny now that she'd once described him as still. She'd learned that it took active effort for him to do so. When he wasn't deliberately locked down for professionalism's sake, he was never still. This was different, though. This was eagerness. He was dying to get out there. It was...kind of cute, actually.

He heard her enter and turned to look at her with a wide grin on his scarred face. "It's snowing!"

"I noticed," she said, trying to sound enthusiastic for his sake. "It does that sometimes, you know."

"I've never seen snow," he said. "I mean, I've seen it in pictures and vids, but I've never been stationed anywhere where it actually happened."

"Let me get dressed and get a cup of coffee in me and we can go to the yard," she said with an indulgent sigh. The way his chocolate eyes brightened and his face lit made it worth it.

She returned to her room and dressed. It took longer than normal because she insisted on layering. When she left her room, she was dressed in thermal leggings and fleece pants under her BDU pants, two pairs of socks under her boots, a thermal shirt, a thick sweatshirt, and she was carrying a down jacket, a knit cap, a scarf, and waterproof thermal gloves. Vega, to his credit, didn't comment. There were some things even he wouldn't tease her about and this was one of them.

He had her coffee waiting and it was prepared just the way she liked it. A thermos sat beside her mug and he said, "I made hot chocolate, too."

She grinned and shook her head, determined not to ruin his excitement. He was like a little kid and she realized for the first time just how young he was. She'd known he wasn't as old as she, but he generally carried that air about him that differentiated seasoned soldiers from the FNGs. The weight of his past had lifted momentarily and she felt like she was seeing a new side of him. She quaffed her coffee as quickly as she could without scorching her throat and donned her jacket. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet again and she wrapped the scarf around her neck and settled the cap over her head, taking care to cover her ears, before pulling on her gloves. "Okay," she said, trying to keep the dread out of her voice. "I'm ready." She would just look at this as another mission, she decided. Cold didn't faze her as much when she was on a mission. It was just another part of the job. She could do that for him. After all, he'd almost died for her.

"You're kinda cute all bundled up like that, Lola," he said. "All I can see of you is your eyes and your freckles. You look twelve."

"Shut up, Vega," she said. "You're going to need more than a t-shirt even if you are a behemoth." He picked up a lightweight leather jacket and threw it over his shoulder. She rolled her eyes and gestured for him to lead the way.

The snow crunched under her boots as she stepped out into the courtyard that was the only place she was allowed to go outdoors since the attack and she tucked her scarf up further around her face to block the wind. Logically, she knew it wasn't that cold. Logic didn't mean much when the air against her skin reminded her of nothing but pain. Freezing almost to death had been worse than getting spaced. The latter had been more painful and far more frightening, but it had been relatively quick. Freezing had been slow.

She turned when she didn't hear Vega following and found him standing in the snow with his head tilted back and his mouth open, trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue. She forgot her displeasure and felt her face break into a smile. She wished she had an omni-tool so that she could take a picture of him. She gave a silent, mischievous laugh, and quietly knelt down and scooped a handful of snow into a loose ball. Tight snowballs packed a punch and were great for snowball wars, but loose ones scattered when they hit and covered more surface area. She lobbed it at him and the look of shock as it exploded in his face was priceless.

"Did you just hit me with a snowball?" he demanded incredulously.

"Yep," she said.

"You know what this means, right, Commander?" he asked, crouching down and scooping up an armful of snow. "This means war."

This was what she needed to truly forget the cold, to shake the gloom that had its hold on her.  Her mind reflexively kicked into strategic analysis, following the familiar routes, assessing parameters and resources. There was no way she was going to allow Vega to get the better of her.

She waited until he'd stood with his arms full of snow and then threw a tighter ball at him. It hit his forehead and his arms loosened just enough that the snow he'd collected dropped onto his feet. He glowered at her and she turned and ran for cover. As his snowball connected with her retreating shoulder, Shepard felt the fire in her kindle into a competitive heat. He pelted her back as she ran and slid behind a bench. "All right, Lieutenant, all right!" she shouted playfully. "The declaration has been issued. Shots have been fired. Let's discuss the rules of engagement!"

"All's fair in love and war!" he called out from behind a bench opposite hers.

 "If that's how you want to play it," she said and aimed a weak shockwave so that it sent a wave of snow over his barricade.

"Hey!" he shouted.

"'All's fair in love and war,'" she parroted as she began to quickly pack the snow into balls and stack them neatly at her feet the way her dad had taught her when she was younger and still thought winter was magical. _You always need to make sure you've got sufficient ammo, baby bear._

She peered out between the slats on the wooden bench to survey the battleground. The bench itself provided protection from any direct attack, though she stood out starkly with the white wall behind her. The courtyard was symmetrical, with a mirroring wooden bench opposite hers, behind which Vega's hulking form crouched. He made an easy to spot, slow-moving target. To either side of her were waist-high concrete planters. If she could get behind one of the planters, it would shorten the distance she had to throw and provide better cover and flanking opportunity, but it would mean leaving behind her ammo cache. He wasn't likely to try to close the distance unless he expected her to charge. Without her amp, a barrier or weak shockwave or nova was the best she could do. Charging was out of the question even if she was willing to risk it. He might be built like a brick wall, but she could still seriously hurt him. He wouldn't necessarily know that, though.

She needed a way to obscure his view of her so she could distract him and make a quick roll to the left planter. Thinking quickly, she lobbed two snowballs his way and began to pat snow into the openings on the bench. She heard his indignant squawk as the projectiles made contact and snorted in amusement.

She anticipated that he had amassed a few snowballs in the time she'd taken to obscure his view of her. Fortunately, small piles of snow had accumulated on the bench itself and it took little effort for her to compress it and squeeze it between the vertical slats. She braced for his volley as she worked quickly to prepare her counter-attack by packing more of her own snowballs. Vega had less experience with the science of creating the perfect snowball. A third of his disintegrated midair while he miscalculated thrust on another third and they smacked into the tree trunks. The last third struck true, crunching against Shepard's back as she hunched over her stockpile.

She returned fire. He was stronger than she'd expected even with his size, though, and her shots didn't faze him. She was going to have to get closer. "Screw it," she muttered and unzipped her jacket. The door to the building was mere meters away and he wouldn't let her freeze even if they did somehow get stuck out here. A rush of excitement overtook her, and as the onslaught ceased, she swiftly removed her outer coat to load her new ammunition inside. Closing the front and tying the sleeves created a simple carrier. He lobbed a snowball over the bench like it was a grenade and it plopped harmlessly to the ground beside her. "You'll have to do better than that, Lieutenant," she taunted.

She sent another weak shockwave down the center of the courtyard, knocking snow from the branches and kicking a small flurry into his face. "Okay, Lola," he shouted with amusement coloring his voice. "It's on!"

While his vision was obscured, she rolled behind the planter. As silently as she could, she unraveled the snowballs and peered around the edge. As she'd hoped, Vega had his eyes trained on her abandoned bench. He couldn't see through the slats, so he assumed she was still there. She took a deep breath, savoring the victory that would soon be at hand. She unloaded her ammunition at intervals along the length of the planter and put her jacket on again. She used the spindly bushes for cover and waited for Vega to appear again. When he threw a large snowball in the direction of the bench, she took the opportunity to pelt him with her own. She'd taken him by surprise, but he adjusted quickly and she found herself with a face full of snow. She dropped behind the planter again and brushed the cold, wet crystals from her skin.

She had just finished shaking her scarf out when she heard the crunch of a boot and turned with a snowball in hand. She got one shot off before Vega dumped an armful of snow onto her head. She sputtered and looked at him in shock. He laughed and scooped up one of her own snowballs and threw it at her chest. Her eyes narrowed and his expression turned to alarm. She stood and scowled at him. "That was a bad idea, Lieutenant," she informed him seriously. "You seem to have forgotten one important thing."

"What's that, Lola?" he asked with an uncertain grin.

"I'm a vanguard now," she said and lunged for him.

It didn't have the same force as a charge, but she was strong even if she had been off duty for months and he wasn't expecting it. He staggered back a step and she jumped up onto the planter and threw one snowball into his face from point blank range before shoving the other down his shirt and slapping his back. "Dirty trick, Lola!" he yelped. She grinned at him and danced to the side, prepared to abandon her ground in favor of a more strategic spot now that her ammunition was spent. Before she could leap away, his arm shot out and he threw her onto her back in the snow. She tried to roll, but he planted a large hand on her shoulder and began throwing handfuls of wet powder into her face.

She rolled into his hand rather than away from it and used the slick ground to slide out of the pin before sweeping out with her legs and knocking him off-balance. He landed heavily on his ass and she kicked out with a foot, leaving a wet, muddy boot-print on his white t-shirt and knocking him onto his back. She didn't give him the chance to recover, choosing instead to jump on top of him and scoop an armful of snow over his head. He laughed and reached out. She expected him to grab snow, but he caught her thigh instead and tucked it into his side before rolling them and pinning her beneath him. Only then did he pick up a handful of snow and crush it into an uneven ball. He drew his hand back and said, "Do you yield, Commander?"

"Never!" she shouted with a grin.

He stuffed the snowball into her face, sending cold powder into her mouth and up her nose. She sneezed and felt him laugh at her. She glared up at him through the haze of white and tried unsuccessfully to dislodge him. Damn, he was heavy! "Yield?" he asked again.

"I'm Commander Shepard," she said, her haughty tone somewhat subdued by his weight. "I never yield."

"Give it up, Commander," he taunted with a grin, flinging another handful of snow in her face. "I can stay here all day."

"In your dreams, Vega," she laughed.

"Oh, I'm definitely going to be dreaming about this," he said in a seductive tone that shot straight to her groin.

"You are shameless," she informed him.

"Absolutely," he agreed.

"You know I let you win, right?" she asked.

"Right," he drawled, his eyes sparkling with mirth. She returned his grin without hesitation. Damn, it had been a long time since she'd just had fun. Her breath caught as his eyes locked onto her mouth. Very deliberately, he brought a hand up and brushed the snow from her face. His fingers were cool, but his touch was gentler than she'd expected and the calloused pad of his thumb swept softly over her lips. "You have snowflakes on your eyelashes," he whispered.

"So do you," she said in kind.

She closed her eyes as he moved his thumb up to carefully brush them away and felt his body shift as he leaned down. His fingers tangled in her hair and then his mouth was on hers. His lips were warm, full and soft, and when she gasped, his tongue slid into her mouth. He radiated warmth and she felt it seep into her even through the layers she wore. He slid a hand beneath her head, cradling it in his massive palm and shielding her from the cold ground as he changed the angle of the kiss. She groaned into his mouth as desire swept through her, chasing away the last of the chill. Her arms came up around his neck and she felt the short hairs on his scalp scrape against the material of her gloves.

His hot mouth moved gently against hers and he kissed her deeply, savoring her and making her feel cherished in the careful way he held her. She drew a knee up to clasp his hip and felt him harden against her center. Need shot through her at the blatant evidence of his desire for her and she felt him groan in response. His hand tightened on the back of her head and the other moved over her body to slide beneath her waist and angle her up against him. "Lola," he murmured against her lips and she stiffened as though he'd slapped her. 'Lola.' Not 'Siha.' He wasn't Thane. Thane was dead and Alex was dead and the only one who'd ever survived her was Kaidan and he loved the Alliance more than he'd ever loved her.

She pushed against his shoulders and it took him a moment to realize that she was trying to push him off of her, but he released her as soon as it registered. She scrambled back and pushed to her feet before turning and striding swiftly to the doors of the building. "Lola!" he called out, but she ignored him as she slammed her fist against the lock on the door. Nothing happened.

The snow in her hair was melting and a drop of frigid water dripped from it and ran its icy finger down her spine. Her unexpected enjoyment of the day was gone as quickly as it had appeared. She was outside in the snow and she was wet and cold and she couldn't get inside. She slammed her fist against the lock again with a curse. She needed to get inside, damn it! It was freezing out here! She began to shiver and slapped the lock again. "Open, goddamnit!" she shouted.

"Easy, Lola," Vega said from behind her. His hand swiped over the lock and it blinked from red to green. The door opened and she stumbled inside, wiping the snow from her hat and shaking out her scarf. She stomped her feet to dislodge the snow that had crusted to her boots and then strode quickly to the elevator. Vega followed and keyed in their floor. When the doors closed, locking them in, he said, "Talk to me, Lola. What the hell just happened?"

"Nothing," she said, rubbing her hands briskly up and down her arms and stomping her feet to keep the blood moving. "Nothing happened. I'm fine," she insisted. "It's fine. Forget about it."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have kissed you. I crossed a line. I'll ask Anderson to reassign me and get someone else in here as soon as possible."

"No," she said quickly. She didn't want him to leave. She'd missed him while he was in the hospital. She didn't want a stranger. Regardless of anything else, he was the only person she completely trusted here. She liked Cortez and she trusted Kaidan to do what he thought was right, but Vega was the only one she felt was completely on her side. She didn't want to drive him away. "Don't leave. The kiss was a mistake. It can't happen again. But I don't want you to go."

The lift stopped and the doors opened, releasing them onto their floor. She didn't look at him as they walked down the hallway and when he let them into the apartment, she walked through to the bathroom without saying anything else. She stripped quickly and turned the water in the shower as hot as she could stand it before stepping in and letting it wash over her. She leaned her forehead against the wall and muttered, "Stupid, Shepard. That was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

 

 

oOoOoOo

 

"Estúpido, Jaime, estúpido," James berated himself as he gripped the counter in the tiny kitchen. "¿Cómo pudiste ser tan estúpido? Eres un idiota! ¿Por qué la besaste? Mala idea, pendejo."

It had been such a good day, too. He had, of course, never experienced a white Christmas before and when he'd woken up to snow on the ground, he'd felt like a little kid again. He hadn't expected Shepard to be willing to go out there with him, much less play around in it like a couple of children. He hadn't known that she knew how to have fun. He'd never seen her so lighthearted. She'd been happy for the first time since he'd met her and in the snow, no less!

He'd been so grateful that she'd pushed past her aversion to it to let him enjoy the day and that she'd played along with him. She had looked so pretty lying there against a blanket of white with her eyes glittering up at him and her cheeks flushed and snowflakes frosting her lashes and melting on her lips. He hadn't been able to resist her and he'd fucked everything up. She'd been into it at first. He was sure she had. Dios, that kiss had been hot! Just kissing her had been hotter than anything he'd experienced with anyone else and his head had spun at the idea that he was kissing Shepard. And then she'd freaked out.

He didn't know what had happened to cause that reaction. He didn't know if it was the fact that he'd kissed her at all or if it was calling her by his nickname for her or losing his control and letting her feel how much he'd wanted her or if it was because of Alenko again. He was ultimately grateful that she'd stopped it because left to his own devices, he'd have taken her right there in the snow. However, he didn't like the idea that he'd upset her. It would have been one thing if she'd just told him to stop. The way she'd reacted had been completely unexpected and then she'd bolted and panicked when her escape was blocked. He thought part of that was just being locked out in the cold as he was familiar with what PTSD looked like—and who could blame her?—but he didn't think that was all of it. There was something else and he would bet his next paycheck that it had something to do with that relationship that didn't work out.

He wished he had a friend he could talk this over with. Esteban was a great guy, but he didn't exactly have a lot of experience with women troubles. The major had kind of opened up to them the day before, but he wouldn't truly call him a friend and he suspected Alenko was a part of the problem. He definitely couldn't talk to Anderson or Hackett about it. Shepard was his only female friend and he certainly couldn't talk to her about it. He was going to have to figure this one out on his own. Regardless of anything else, she was right about the kiss being a bad idea and that it couldn't happen again. The lines had gotten far too blurred. He heard the water shut off and a few minutes later, the sound of her violin through the closed door. He'd learned to read her through her music. Angry, frustrated, grieving, lost. Fuck. He'd screwed this up big time.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

"You seem troubled, Shepard," Cortez said, joining her at the table where she was nursing a cup of coffee.

"Just thinking about some things," she said.

She'd expected him to let it go, but instead, he said, "I do know a thing or two about loss, Commander. My husband...." He trailed off and she looked up, surprised to find moisture pooling in his eyes. He shook his head and said, "Anyway, you can talk to me if you want to talk about it."

She debated. She liked Cortez. He was a genuinely nice person, soft-spoken and considerate. He didn't judge and he was compassionate without being pitying. On the other hand, she hadn't talked to anyone about Thane or Kaidan. She hadn't had to tell Garrus or Tali. They'd been there. They'd known. She wasn't ready to open up to Vega about it. They'd very carefully avoided the topic of lovers after that single mention months ago. She didn't know Cortez that well yet. But, that could also be a good thing. He didn't know Thane. He didn't really know Kaidan. He was impartial.

"I...had a partner during the Collector mission," she said haltingly. "He died and it was my fault. But it's more complicated than that."

"It usually is," he said gently.

"Major Alenko and I were together on the SR-1. Sort of," she said. "There was something between us from the beginning, but it was there alongside regs telling us we couldn't and Saren leading us all over the galaxy and trying to figure out the Reapers and guilt over friends dying so that we could live. Gods, we were so young then. We had no idea. We were fumbling in the dark, realizing for the first time that there really were monsters in the dark spaces and they didn't all wear human or alien faces or faces at all. We...leaned on each other. And when we committed mutiny and stole the _Normandy_ out from under the Council and the Alliance to get to Ilos, we finally said screw the regs. Screw all of it. We probably weren't going to make it anyway, so what did it matter? We called it bunking together and I pretended it was just sex, but it wasn't. I'd fallen for him hard and I thought he felt the same. But I was afraid because I don't know how to love."

"I find that hard to believe," Cortez said, getting up to refill her coffee. "From what I've seen, you love stronger than almost anyone I've ever met. You love Anderson and you love your crew. You love anyone who has the fortune to be called one of your people and you do it well."

She gave him a ghost of a smile and said, "Thanks, but this is different, you know? I'm not the best when it comes to feelings. I can tell you what happened all day, but how I felt about it? Most of the time, even I don't know."

"But you felt something for Kaidan," he said and she thought he used the name deliberately, to show her that he wasn't thinking in terms of rank or fraternization.

She nodded. "I kept him at arm's length, though, because I didn't know what to do with it and then we went back to the Alliance and the regs filled that space. I was willing to overlook them, but he wasn't. So, we went back to pretending that we were just friends and that nothing had happened. And then I died. I was gone for two years and I tried to find him when I came back, but I was working for Cerberus and no one would tell me where he was. I found him on Horizon."

She looked into the steaming mug as she remembered the colony. "He came to me and when he held me, it was like he'd been holding onto a piece of myself for me and he put it back into its place. I felt like I'd come home. I felt like me for the first time since I'd woken up. Garrus and Tali and Joker and Wrex had helped, but Kaidan had that last piece I needed. And then he realized I was with Cerberus and he did exactly what Kaidan was always going to do. He turned on me, called me a traitor, said he was going to report me to the Alliance. That fast, we were over."

"That must have hurt," Cortez said.

"It did," she said. "I wasn't angry, though. I tried to be. Gods know I tried, but he was just...being the only person he knows how to be. I couldn't blame him for that when it was one of the reasons I loved him. Fast forward a few weeks and we go to Illium to recruit two new members of my team. One was an assassin, a drell named Thane Krios. The first thing he told me about himself was that he was terminally ill."

"That doesn't sound like the beginning of a happy story," he said. "I assume he became the partner?" When she nodded, he asked, "Why did you get with him if you knew he was dying?"

She shrugged. "I could say it was a suicide mission and we were all going to die anyway, so what did it matter, but it was more than that. Garrus was...messed up. Joker was eaten up by guilt and trying to deflect with humor. None of the other members of my crew had joined me. Tali came later, but at that point, I didn't really have anyone. Thane was the only one who never turned me away. When I spoke, he listened. He didn't just listen to the words of the commander. He listened to me. He called me out on my bullshit. He argued with me. He pushed me to be better. He looked at me and he saw me with all of my flaws and imperfections and he loved me anyway. I've never...no one's ever loved me like that, that...completely. He did it with everything he had left to give. He didn't hold back. He gave it all and he made it easy for me to give it all in return. With him, I could love without reservation."

"That's a rare and precious thing," he said, placing his hand on hers and squeezing gently.

"And I broke it," she said bitterly. "I knew we were probably going to die. I thought it would be an all-or-nothing thing, though. And if we lived, I'd hoped.... He'd mentioned that the hanar were working on a cure. He didn't think he'd live long enough to see it, but he was still in good shape. He was easily better than me. He could take me down in seconds. He was strong, so if we survived the suicide mission, then maybe he'd survive long enough for a breakthrough. And then there was Mordin, this salarian scientist we recruited. Mordin is brilliant. He's so far beyond me in intelligence that I couldn't keep up. He'd worked on the genophage. He'd cured a disease the Collectors had created. Surely, he could have found a cure for Kepral's. And we had Miranda. She'd brought me back to life from nothing but meat and tubes. She had research on regenerative medicine that no one else had even considered, much less tried. If she and Mordin could have taken that research and applied it across species to drell, maybe they could have figured out a way to reverse the damage that could have been done."

"You weren't just hoping to stop his disease," Cortez said. "You were hoping for a complete cure, to get him back to his pre-illness state. You do dream big, Commander."

"Tell me something's impossible and I'll prove you wrong, isn't that what they say about me?" she asked bitterly. "I bought too far into my own hype. I started to believe I really could make anything happen. But I never got a chance to find out because I rushed things and I let my emotions cloud my judgment and he paid the price. It had never occurred to me that I would make it back without him. If he'd died on the base after we'd set those charges, I probably wouldn't have. But he didn't even make it to the base and I had no choice but to go on. But...there was this moment as we were escaping. The platform in front of me broke and I had to jump for the ship. I almost didn't make it. And all I could think was, 'It's okay. This is how it's supposed to be. I'm not even supposed to be alive anyway. I was brought back for this and now it's done. I can just let go.'"

"What changed your mind?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said. "Tali grabbed me and hauled me into the ship. I might be okay with dying once the mission's complete, but I'm not suicidal. I won't do it intentionally. And then I got sent to Aratoht and realized just how close the Reapers were and I knew the mission wasn't over. I wasn't just brought back to defeat the Collectors. So, I had no choice but to go on."

"That kind of depression is the most insidious, isn't it?" he said. "The kind that doesn't tell you to quit, but that it might not be that bad if it happens."

She looked up at him and read understanding in the blue eyes that were so much like Garrus' when he was being supportive. "Yeah," she admitted. "I didn't handle it very well at first. There was just too much all at one time. Thane died, I was sent here, I lost my ship, my crew, my friends. And then Vega was there and Kaidan came back and you came along. I'm handling it better now, but apparently not as well as I thought." She looked down at her coffee cup again. "Do you think...do you think Robert would forgive you if you moved on? If some guy came along and made you feel good things again? Would he want you to go for it or would it be a betrayal?"

Cortez breathed deeply and seemed to consider the question for a long moment. Finally, he said, "He would be fine with it. I actually think he wanted that for me. The problem with that isn't him; it's me."

"Yeah," she whispered. "Thane had been married. His wife was murdered. It took him _ten years_ to move on. And here I am feeling things for people I have no business feeling anything for and...I feel like...like I've...devalued him by doing so. I don't know. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. We didn't even know each other that long. He's been gone longer than we were together now."

Cortez placed a hand on her shoulder and said, "Shepard, no one can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Time doesn't mean anything to the heart. The only one who's going to know when you're ready to move on is you. It's okay to do it, though. It's okay to heal. Your love for him will never go away, but that doesn't mean that you can't love again or that it takes something away from him for you to do so. And if the person you're feeling things for is Kaidan, then I think that's doubly natural because that never went away, either. You said Thane loved you after his wife died. That tells me he would want the same for you."

She couldn't tell him it wasn't just Kaidan. He was Vega's best friend. She couldn't put that on him. He'd either feel like she'd made him privy to something he needed to keep from his friend or he'd feel obligated to tell Vega and that would make things awkward between herself and James. She wanted to tell him that she felt like she was doing all three men a disservice. She felt like she was betraying Thane with both Kaidan and James and she felt like she was betraying both of them with each other. It was all so confusing. She hadn't loved anyone since Alex and now she found herself feeling things for three men within a few years and one of them was dead.

Instead, she said, "I shouldn't be feeling anything for anyone. Every time I love someone, one of us dies."

To her utter shock, Cortez laughed. It wasn't a small laugh, either. It burst out of him and his shoulders shook from it. It was the last thing she'd expected from gentle, compassionate Steve. He wiped tears of mirth from his eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't mean to be insensitive. That's just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What? You think the universe is out to get you or something? That you're somehow either so terrible or so special that fate is going to insist that you exist alone?"

"When something happens every time another thing happens, that's a pattern, Steve," she said, trying to keep the defensiveness out of her voice. "I loved my parents. My dad got hit by a skycar and my mom OD'd. I loved Alex. He got shot down by the police. I loved Kaidan. I got spaced. I loved Thane. He died going through the relay."

"Correlation doesn't equal causation," he pointed out, sobering. "None of those things had anything to do with your feelings for the person. Your parents didn't die because of you. If Alex was killed by the police, it was because he was committing a crime, not because you loved him. You got spaced because the Collectors attacked your ship and you refused to abandon your pilot. Kaidan had nothing to do with that. That would have happened even if he hadn't been a part of your crew at all. And Thane was killed on what you yourself described as a suicide mission. Was he the reason you rushed?"

"No," she admitted. "My crew got kidnapped by the Collectors. He was with me. He was safe then."

"So, he would have died going through the relay whether you were with him or not," Steve said. "People around you die whether you love them or not because the people around you are in situations that are dangerous and because that's life. You're a soldier, Shepard. James and I are both in danger right now because we're associated with you. Batarians could come through that door right now and kill me dead. They could do it tomorrow and get Kaidan and they could do it the next day and get James. It would have nothing to do with whether you were in love with one or even all of us and everything to do with the fact that the batarians want you dead and we're with you.

"But the thing you don't seem to understand is that we know that. We accept that risk because we're soldiers and that's what we do. None of us have requested to be reassigned, even though we could, and we won't. And if we die doing this, it won't be your fault. It will be the batarians' for killing us. It will be the Alliance's for not doing more to keep them from being able to get in at all. It will be the universe's for being a screwed-up place to begin with. But it won't be because you care about us. All you're doing with that mentality is making things harder on yourself and making sure you're alone."

She smirked at him and said, "Seems Thane wasn't the only one who'd call me on my bullshit after all."

He grinned. "Just don't fall in love with me, okay? Not because I'd die, but because I'd just break your heart."

She feigned shock. "Are you saying I'm not your type, Steve?"

"Yep," he said shamelessly. "I prefer blondes."

"Don't they always?" she teased. "I'll try to restrain myself."

"You do that, Commander," he said, patting her forearm. "And, Shepard? Thanks for sharing."

"You're good at this advice thing," she said. "How'd you manage to figure it all out?"

He shook his head. "I didn't," he said. "I channeled Robert. He was the one who had it all together. I'm just as screwed up as you are. Let me know if it gets easier, will you? It would be nice to have something to hope for."

"You're a good man, Steve," she said. "And I don't think you need me to tell you to hope. Listen to Robert. He was a wise man."


	13. Chapter 13

James swiped his badge and stood still for the biometric scanners at the checkpoint for the brig. The guards looked distracted and when he walked down the hallways, he was taken aback by the level of activity. Everyone was rushing around and their expressions ranged from determined to terrified. He picked up his pace until he was jogging toward Shepard's apartment. He hadn't seen her in two days. Cortez had taken the day after Christmas and James was relieving Kaidan this morning. Had something happened while he'd been gone?

"Vega!" He slowed when he heard Alenko's voice and turned to face the major. What the hell? Alenko should have been with the commander. "Get Shepard. The Defense Committee needs to speak with her now."

"Aye aye, sir," he said, snapping off a quick salute and breaking into a run. Whatever was going down, it was big.

Shepard wasn't in the living room. He found her in the bedroom, looking out at the park on the roof of a nearby building. She turned when he entered and he saluted her out of habit. "Commander."

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James," she said automatically.

"Not supposed to salute you, either," he reminded her. He was glad to see that she was already wearing her utilities. "We gotta go. The Defense Committee wants to see you."

Her brow furrowed and she tossed the datapad she'd been holding onto her bed. "Sounds important," she said, following him through the apartment and out the door. "What's going on?"

"Couldn't say," he said. "Just told me they needed you...now."

She slowed as Anderson approached them and James stopped and saluted. Shepard shook the admiral's hand. The two of them fell into step and James held back a few paces to allow them to speak while still watching her six. With all of the commotion in the hallway, he couldn't hear what they were saying, but the admiral seemed calm in contrast to the people around them. He affectionately patted Shepard's stomach and they continued on but their expressions turned serious as they left the detention area and reached the stairs that led to the committee chambers. Shepard tensed and came to a stop. This wasn't good. Either there was bad news about her incarceration or something had happened. He could only think of one thing that could make Shepard falter outside of being notified that her case wasn't going as well as they'd hoped. He didn't know which was worse.

They picked up the pace again and strode through the hallways. Shepard moved purposefully, her face serious when he could see it. He still couldn't make out the words, but things were a little bit quieter up here and he picked up her tone. She was angry. Anderson stopped and gestured sharply at her. James crossed his arms over his chest and watched the admiral warily. He still didn't trust the Alliance when it came to her and he wasn't as certain about the admiral as she seemed to be. He didn't relax until they started moving again but his unease grew when he saw that the admiral was leading them to one of the courtrooms. That really wasn't good. Had they moved her tribunal up? Damn it, he should have stayed closer to them.

This was as far as he was allowed to go, so he said, "Good luck in there, Shepard." Dios, he hoped she wasn't about to get fucked over. He knew the Alliance was trying to paint her as unstable and pin all of the responsibility for Aratoht on her. They wanted her out of the way and if they'd found something they could actually use against her, they could appease the batarians and get rid of her in one fell swoop. They wouldn't send her in front of a firing squad, would they? His gut churned with worry. He wanted to grab her and run. He couldn't protect her from this and it made him angry and afraid.

She turned and shook his hand and he was dismayed by the worry in her eyes. She was scared, but she wasn't going to let it show. She held onto his hand for a moment longer than necessary and said, "Thank you, James. For everything."

She sounded like it was over. She sounded like she was saying goodbye. One way or another, she believed her captivity was done. "It's been an honor, Lola," he said thickly.

Behind her, Alenko came out of the courtroom and walked up to the admiral. Shepard released his hand and moved to join them. She spoke to Kaidan for a moment. James thought he looked serious and his heart thumped when he saw Alenko shake his head. Then, she and Anderson proceeded through the double doors. He watched her go with a sense of foreboding. He wondered if he would ever see her again and damned himself again for that kiss. She'd been stiff with him after that and they hadn't had a chance to just sit down and talk. This wasn't the way he wanted to leave it.

Kaidan came over to him and James asked, "What's going on?"

"Can't say," Kaidan said. "It's not what you're thinking, though."

Ice water congealed in his veins. If it wasn't Shepard's trial, then that meant it was the Reapers. "When?" he asked.

Alenko looked at him sharply, but when he read the knowledge in James' eyes, he said, "Soon. I don't know how soon, but soon."

James' omni-tool pinged and he opened it to see a message from Esteban. "They just ordered Cortez back to the _Normandy_ ," he told Alenko.

The major nodded. "I imagine we'll all be ordered there soon."

"Are we ready for this?" he asked.

"I don't think so," Kaidan said, shaking his head. "I don't think there's any way to be ready for this."

"Is she?" James asked.

"I can't answer that, either," Kaidan said. "You know her better than I do now."

James hitched his pants up and rolled his neck, trying to loosen the tension there. Damn it, he was worried. Not knowing what was going on was going to drive him loco. He couldn't push for more, though. The major had already said too much. He didn't understand how Alenko managed to be so calm. Kaidan was the very picture of stoic and collected. By contrast, James felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin. He hated just standing here. He wanted to do something.

There was a loud roar and the floor shook. The major's head snapped up and everyone around them froze. There was silence for a full second and then the deafening roar of an explosion, breaking glass, and heavy objects being thrown around. The lights above them went out and Alenko shoved him to the ground as the room seemed to break apart around them. When they got back to their feet, James shouted, "Shepard!" and lunged toward the courtroom.

Alenko caught him by the arm and said, "We can't get in that way! It's blocked! We need to get to the _Normandy_!"

"I have to get to her!" he insisted, trying to jerk away. Alenko's hand glowed blue and his grip tightened on James' arm. "Let go!" he shouted. "Shepard!"

"If she's alive, she's on her way to the _Normandy_ ," Alenko insisted. "That's going to be the fastest way to find her. Come on, Lieutenant! That's an order!" Reluctantly, James turned away. She was right there. He felt like he was abandoning her.

They retraced the route he'd taken on the way here and his mind struggled to take in the changes from just a few moments ago. The windows were all shattered and glass littered the floor, glittering in the sunlight. Here and there, small fires burned and the walls bore gouges from debris. They skidded to a halt as they rounded a corner and James breathed, "Dios mío. Is that what I think it is?"

"Reapers," Alenko said in a horrified voice as he took in the view through the shattered window. "There are so many of them. Sovereign was just one and it was almost impossible to take down."

"We'll fight them," James said. "We just need to get to Shepard."

Alenko shook himself and they ran down the hallway. When they passed by the apartment he'd shared with Shepard for the past six months, he hesitated and then changed his route. Alenko followed him through the door and said, "Come on, Vega. There's no time to pack!"

James ignored him and bolted into Shepard's room. He reached under her bed and pulled out the case he knew he'd find there. It had a shoulder strap, so he slung it over his back and ran back out. He felt a bit ridiculous running through a damaged building surrounded by Reapers with a violin case rather than a rifle on his back, but this was the last thing she had of her family and he wasn't about to let her lose it. He ignored Kaidan's surprised look as they sprinted down the hall.

They kept going until they reached the armory by the checkpoint. The guards were still there and one tossed a pair of rifles to Kaidan and James while the other threw a bag of heat sinks at them. They divided them up, stuffing them into the pockets of their cargo pants and anywhere else they could fit them. A third guard passed him a shield generator and he clipped it to his belt. Kaidan took one as well.

"You have Shepard's amp and omni-tool chip?" he asked Alenko.

"Anderson does," the major answered.

"Good," he said. "Let's go."

He called Cortez up on the comm as Alenko tried to raise the admiral. Esteban answered immediately, but the signal was spotty. He let Cortez know they were on their way and needed a rendezvous point. Cortez provided it and James passed the information on to Alenko. The major skidded to a stop at a corner and flattened against the wall of the building. James peered around him and saw a group of bulbous, husk-like creatures a few yards away. He jerked back beside Alenko and said, "What the hell is that?"

"I think that's what happens to batarians when the Reapers get them," Alenko answered. His hand went to his ear and he said, "Admiral? Is that you?" He paused. "Yes, sir. We're about a hundred meters south of HQ. Enemies spotted. The _Normandy_ is on its way to the spaceport. We'll pick you up."

"Is Shepard with him?" James asked when Alenko looked around the side of the building again.

"I don't know," he said. "I think so. He said 'we.'"

The major signaled for him to move to cover across the way and James obeyed. He had to believe that Shepard made it out. She couldn't just be gone. The major began to glow blue and two of the creatures went down from a biotic attack he couldn't identify. James set the rifle to carnage mode and took out another before shooting a fourth until it fell. Together, he and Alenko fought their way through the streets of the base. Around them, people screamed and ran and died. Reapers towered over them like harbingers of destruction, razing entire blocks in a single sweep of their laser beams. James did his best to ignore them. There was nothing he could do about the massive sentient ships. He was a foot soldier. There were enemies on the ground. Those were his targets.

"We're almost to the _Normandy_ ," Alenko said into his comm and nodded at James. Shepard was alive. "I've got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we're facing resistance."

James shot another one of the batarian husks and stared at another in disbelief. Was it eating the other one? Damn cannibalistic mother fuckers. He realized it wasn't eating its fallen companion but taking what passed for its armor, but the title was in his mind. He shot another cannibal and ducked behind cover to reload while Alenko took over with his biotics. It simultaneously felt like minutes and hours as they pushed through the debris of razed buildings and the groups of mutated batarians and waves of husks. The husks were even creepier than the cannibals. They'd been human once. It was like he'd woken up in a zombie vid.

Finally, they reached the ship. The pilot had the shuttle bay doors open and he followed Alenko on board. They stood in the open doorway and fired on the cannibals shooting at them. The ship took off and the two of them reached for anything they could hold onto as it dived and rolled to avoid the blasts of the Reapers surrounding them. James hated this. At least on the ground, he could shoot back. In here, he was helpless. Alenko looked over at him and said, "Joker's the best there is. If anyone can get us through this, it's him."

"Still wish I could shoot back," James muttered.

"I know what you—" Alenko stopped and put his hand to his ear as he listened. "We've made it to the _Normandy_. Taking heavy fire." James saw the major's mouth fall open and the look of horror over his face and turned to see an Alliance dreadnought directly in the line of fire of a Reaper. They were far too close to the dreadnought. "Oh, God!" Alenko shouted. "They're going to take down the dreadnought! Evasive maneuvers!"

James tightened his hold on the railing of the docking cradle as the ship pitched and yawed and the world outside swung wildly. He'd never been seasick on a starship before, but he thought he might experience that today.

"Admiral!" Alenko said a moment later. "What's your location?" He paused and listened. "We're on our way. Anderson? Anderson? Damn it! Joker, did you get that?"

"ETA:  five minutes," a voice said over the comm. The bay door slid closed and the ship smoothed out.

"Vega!" Cortez called out. "You in here?"

"Now, you show up!" James replied as Esteban ran over to them. "Where were you when those things were firing on us?"

"Getting you some armor, Mr. Vega," Cortez replied.

He stowed the violin case before he felt the ship slow. The doors slid open again and something inside of him relaxed when he saw Shepard running toward him. She was a little bit banged up, but didn't look too worse for wear. There was blood splattered on her face and a cut on her cheek. Her utilities had seen better days and there was more blood on her sleeve, but she was moving unimpeded and she didn't look seriously injured. He took up position on the port side with Alenko opposite him to make room for the commander and admiral to board.

To his surprise, Anderson refused to come with them. Shepard argued, but James couldn't fault Anderson's logic. He wondered where they'd go. He couldn't imagine being needed anywhere more than here, but the Reapers were probably in or approaching all of the major cities by now. Shepard was likely needed elsewhere. He caught the flash of silver in the light and looked over as Shepard caught the object Anderson had thrown her. Her dog tags. "Consider yourself reinstated. Commander," Anderson said and the satisfaction in the admiral's voice made James feel guilty for having doubted him.

The doors closed and Alenko nodded at Shepard and moved deeper into the ship. James caught Shepard by her uninjured arm. She looked at him in confusion as he activated his omni-tool but stood still as he dispensed medigel for her injuries. "You okay, Commander?" he asked. Damn, it felt good to call her that again and have it be more than just an honorary title.

"I'm fine," she said. "You guys get out okay?"

"It was close a couple times," he admitted, "but we made it. Oh, and Lola? Your violin's over by the armory."

She blinked up at him in surprise. "You got it?"

He nodded. "You didn't think I'd leave it behind, did you?"

"I didn't think you'd even think about it," she said. "Hell, I didn't even think about it at first. Then, I figured it was just gone." She swallowed visibly and put her hand on his arm. "Thank you, James. I...thank you."

He shrugged. "I couldn't let you lose it. Then you'd have to learn how to actually talk about how you feel and we can't have that," he teased.

"No," she said with a hint of a smile. "Hard-ass military commanders don't talk about their feelings. They bottle it up like a healthy person."

"I'm glad you're okay." When she turned and began walking deeper into the ship, he said, "Hey. So where are we going?"

"We're leaving," she said.

"Leaving?" he asked incredulously. Surely, he hadn't heard her right.

"Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel, get help from the Council," she said, tapping in a command on the console.

"That can't be right," he protested. "He wouldn't order us to leave." They couldn't leave Earth! There was a war going on! She was their best hope and now she was leaving the fight?

She turned to face him. "We don't have a choice, Vega. Without help, this war's already over."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. A part of him knew she was right, but that didn't mean they had to be the ones to go. He wasn't going to go to the damn Citadel while people were fighting and dying on Earth. He couldn't believe she was willing to do it, either. Earth was as much her home as it was his.

"Forget it!" he said. He'd follow her into hell any day, but hell was right here. He wasn't going to follow her out of it, no matter how he felt about her. That wasn't his way. "You can drop me off someplace because I'm not—"

"Enough!" she snapped. "Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight? We're going to the Citadel. You want out? You can catch a ride back from there." Gone was the woman he'd known for the past six months and in her place was the commander he'd idolized. Temper warred with wonder that he was finally seeing her, but temper won out, at least for the moment. He didn't even know her. Maybe Alenko was right, he thought as he turned his back on her. Maybe she was just a clone. Commander Shepard didn't run from a fight.

As soon as the thought had crossed his mind, he felt guilty for it and wanted to take it back, even if she hadn't heard it. She wasn't running. And he did know her. She might be different like this, but she was still Shepard. This was just Shepard with the weight of responsibility on her. She wasn't just a foot soldier, though she could fight with the best of them. Shepard was their last hope because she didn't just look at the immediate picture. She looked at the overall situation and reacted accordingly.

So maybe she could do a hell of a lot of good in one place on Earth. She could do far more overall if she really could convince the Council to help them. She was the only human Spectre. It made sense that she would be the one to go to them. It didn't make him any more eager to leave, but she wasn't giving up on the fight and he wasn't going to give up on her now. None of this was her fault. She'd done everything in her power to stop and failing that, delay the invasion. Now, it was here and everyone was looking to her to save them. Just like in the brig, she needed someone who believed in her. She still needed him.


	14. Chapter 14

The days that followed were a blur of places James had never been. Mars, where they picked up Dr. Liara T'Soni and where Alenko was almost killed by a Cerberus mech. James felt an undeniable envy when he saw the raw despair on Shepard's face as she stood protectively over the major. He was almost certain now that Alenko was the one that Shepard had been referring to when she'd said there had been someone but it hadn't worked out. Hell, it was no wonder she'd freaked out when James had kissed her. She clearly still had feelings for the other man. It had been all too apparent when Kaidan had begun questioning her on Mars that his suspicion had hurt her and all James could do was stand up for her.

Then there was the Citadel, where he went up to the Embassies to wait for Shepard. If things didn't go well with the Council, he wanted to be there for her. He'd been to the Citadel before, of course, but he'd never been up here. He hated the Presidium. James got enough artificial shit from the military: food, people, politics. He didn't like it. He liked things that were real: real meat, real sunshine, real air, Shepard. It was no wonder these people couldn't see what was right in front of them. They were so inundated with false security and false beauty and false importance that they probably wouldn't recognize the real deal if they were looking at it. It wasn't right. 

However, it was enough to make him realize that Shepard had been right to leave. Earth needed help and if the galaxy was reacting the way the Citadel was, they were screwed. They needed Shepard to wake them up because humanity couldn't beat the Reapers on their own. From what Liara told him when she came storming out of Councilor Udina's office, that was going to be easier said than done. He was surprised that an asari would care what happened to Earth. He'd expected her to agree with her people about protecting Thessia. He should have known better. She was one of Shepard's people and that meant that she saw the big picture, too. They were in this together, whether they wanted to be or not and they would all either fall or survive together.

They left the Citadel very shortly thereafter to head to Palaven. He'd never been to the turian homeworld and was looking forward to it. If anything, though, Shepard just seemed more stressed. They'd picked up more people on the Citadel and now had a skeleton crew, but it was still just James and the Doc at her back on the ground and Doc was trying to do all of her Shadow Broker shit at the same time. (And who, by the way, would have seen that coming? He'd spent six months with Shepard and she'd never mentioned either to him or the shrinks or the Committee or even the admirals that the damn Shadow Broker was one of her closest friends!) They were all going to burn out if they kept up this pace.

He was pretty sure that Shepard hadn't even sat down between the time when she'd woken the morning of the attack and the time she'd climbed onto the shuttle to go down to Menae. She looked utterly exhausted. Esteban had taken over as the crew's shuttle pilot after James had crashed the other Kodiak to stop that Cerberus mech from getting away with the intel, so James was in the back with Shepard and Doc this time. Shepard had her forearms propped on her knees and her head hung forward like she didn't have the energy left to hold it up. He knelt in front of her and pulled a nutrigel packet from one of the storage compartments on his armor. She looked at it blankly, like she didn't know what to do with it, before finally accepting it and sluggishly opening the packet.

When she'd finished all of it, he took the seat beside her and threw an arm around her shoulders. "Rest, Lola," he said. "I'll let you know when we get close."

"I'm fine," she muttered, leaning into him anyway.

"You're exhausted, Shepard," he disputed. "You've fought one battle to escape Earth, another against Cerberus on Mars, and another with the Council since the last time you slept and you're about to go into another one alongside the turians. You may be a super-soldier, but you're still just human. Ten minutes of sleep isn't going to kill you, but it very well may save your life down there."

She was out before he'd finished speaking. He stroked her hair and tightened his arm around her shoulders to steady her as the shuttle jostled. Doc leaned forward and looked at him with a slight smile. He cut his eyes to her and raised a brow in question. She said, "Very few people could get away with that."

He didn't know what to say to that, so he just held Shepard as the shuttle approached Palaven's moon. When Cortez gave word that they were beginning their final approach, he woke Shepard. The quick nap and the food had done enough for her that he was confident she could handle whatever the moon threw at them, but she was going to have to get real rest and soon or she'd be finished before she began. Something had to give somewhere, damn it. Food and sleep weren't commodities here. They were absolute necessities and already he could tell that people had begun to forget that she was still human and had needs like everyone else. The hell of it was, she pushed herself harder than anyone else, so there was really no one he could blame. She needed a damn keeper.

Menae was a damn nightmare. All he could see when he looked around the moon was Earth. Here, husks and cannibals were joined by a new set of nightmares. The turians called theirs marauders and those were bad enough, but the indoctrinated dragons they called harvesters were much worse and he thought the brutes were the worst of all. He'd been almost certain that one was going to take Shepard out and he'd been glad to see that the scarred turian she called Garrus was just as determined to keep her alive as he was. He decided he liked Scars, especially when the guy didn't hesitate to join her even though his own world was burning. There was a loyalty there that even James hadn't matched and it felt good to know that he wasn't the only one who had her back anymore.

He went looking for her when they returned to the ship and she'd finished her meeting with the Primarch. He couldn't find her and hoped that meant she was in her cabin asleep for once, but when he asked if she was sleeping, EDI told him that she was in the Life Support room on the crew deck and didn't wish to be disturbed. That struck him as odd, so he left the shuttle bay and took the lift up to Deck Three. The light on the door to Life Support was a steady, solid red, barring his entrance. He wondered what the hell she could be doing in there. Esteban had taken him on a tour of the ship and he knew there was nothing but a table with a couple of chairs and a seemingly out of place coffee mug that Esteban said no one seemed willing to touch after Joker had shouted at the last person who'd tried to move it.

"You really don't want to go in there right now," a turian voice said from behind him and James resisted the urge to jump. For such a big guy, Scars was damn quiet when he moved.

"What's going on?" James asked. "What is that room? Is she in a meeting or something?"

"How much has she told you about the Collector mission?" Garrus asked.

"Not much," he said. "I've seen the reports, but she didn't talk about it on her own and I wasn't privy to her meetings with the Defense Committee."

"Did she tell you about Thane?" he asked.

"She mentioned a guy named Thane once or twice," he said. There was a Thane listed on the memorial wall, too, he noticed.

Garrus inclined his head and said, "He died right where you're standing now. Those were his quarters. He and I were her go-to team when shit hit the fan as she would say or when she didn't know what she was walking into. We saw a lot together and they were...more than close."

"How'd he die?" James asked, trying to wrap his head around this new information.

Garrus answered, "He was impaled by a metal I-beam when we went through the Omega 4 relay. Our cannons weren't strong enough to take out the Collector ships. She'd been planning to install an upgrade to the Thanix model, but there hadn't been enough time. We had to get in too close and we took a lot of damage when we engaged. Thane didn't make it and he was just the first in a line of people that didn't come home. That's why she doesn't talk about it. People fell one after another and there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it. We all knew there was a chance we wouldn't come back, but I don't think she considered that some of us might while others might not. She had this no one left behind mentality about it and that isn't how it happened." 

This changed everything. He still wondered about her feelings toward Alenko, but it explained the guilt and the grief. She'd been mourning the lover she'd lost just a couple of weeks before she'd been thrown in the brig. She hadn't had time to register losing him before she'd lost everything else, too. He shook his head and said, "I'd been so sure it was Alenko."

"Oh, there was something there, too," Garrus said, "but then Kaidan turned on her on Horizon and I think that killed any chance of it being anything more. Shepard doesn't trust easily. Once you lose it, it's gone. Anyway, I'm not here to gossip about her. I just didn't want you getting the stupid idea to have EDI override the lock."

James wasn't as sure as Garrus sounded that there was no chance of anything more between Shepard and Kaidan. He hadn't seen the way she'd looked at the major after Mars even after all the shit that had been said. She still loved him. Now that the relationship had been confirmed, James was certain of that. It was now just a question of whether she'd take him back or not. What wasn't a question was whether there was room for him. He didn't stand a chance between the dead lover and the injured one. All he could be to her was a friend. And, as her friend, he was going to get EDI to override the damn lock. She didn't need to be alone.

"Let me in, EDI," he ordered.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," Garrus said.

"The commander is sleeping," EDI said.

"I won't wake her up," James promised. "I just want to make sure she's okay."

There was a long pause and then the lock turned green. As quietly as he could, he entered and made his way down the short passage. He'd thought Shepard would be at the table. She wasn't. It took him a minute to find her. She was lying on a narrow cot tucked in a dark corner between the bulkhead and the table. The display case on the wall and the light from the drive core illuminated the room enough that he was able to make out her features.

She hadn't woken, but her brow was creased and she was curled into a loose fetal position. Her hands were wrapped around something and at first, he thought she'd fallen asleep with a cup of coffee. Then, he realized it was the mug from the table. She held it to her chest and his heart twisted at the implication. That must have been the last thing she had of his. It was no wonder Joker had been so adamant that it not be touched. _Oh, Lola_ , he thought. _Mi pobrecita_.

He crept out of the room and asked EDI not to lock it yet. When she acknowledged his request, he went to the crew quarters across the passageway and found a thick blanket in one of the storage lockers. He carried it back into the Life Support room and carefully draped it over her, taking care to tuck it around her feet since she wasn't wearing her favored socks. He hesitated and then leaned down to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear so it wouldn't tickle her nose and wake her. She stirred, turning her face into his hand, but didn't wake. He kept his hand where it was and she sighed and her brow smoothed out. Deciding to take a risk, he leaned farther and gently placed his lips against her forehead. "Duerme, cariña. Encontre paz," he whispered. _Sleep, sweetheart. Find peace._

When he quietly left the room and told EDI to lock the door again, he found Garrus leaning casually against the side of the elevator. The look in his eyes was anything but casual, though. It was borderline predatory when combined with those teeth and the talons resting lightly atop each other. For a moment, James thought there was more competition for her heart than he'd known. Then, Garrus said, "Be careful with her, Lieutenant. She's fragile right now and there's a lot more war to go. Shepard's suffered enough."

Protective, not possessive, James realized. He could respect that. He shook his head. "She doesn't look at me that way. Besides, there's regs about that kind of thing."

"Now you sound like Kaidan," Garrus said. "Humans are strange about that."

"What would you say if I was turian?" he asked, his curiosity piqued.

"That's easy," Garrus said, straightening. "I'd say if you care about her, go for it. But if you hurt her, I'll rip your fringe off." The turian looked at the locked door and the expression in his eyes was easy to read even in another species. It was utterly bare and unguarded. Garrus loved her. It might not have been a romantic kind of love, but it was love all the same. "She's my best friend. She's the only one who's always believed in me no matter how bad things got or how unworthy I felt. I owe everything I am to her. I want to see her happy or at least as happy as one can get when everything is going to hell." His features closed off again and he said, "Well, I need to get back to it. The Alliance got us that Thanix cannon, but the calibrations are all off."

James went down to his post in the shuttle bay and mulled over Garrus' words. It was no small thing in his mind that her best friend approved of him and he knew Esteban liked her. He didn't know quite how he would classify what he felt for Shepard yet. He liked her a hell of a lot. She was smart and caring and fun when she allowed herself to lighten up. She was sexy as hell and he felt like he could talk to her about almost anything. He was certainly protective of her and he couldn't deny that he was jealous of Alenko. But he didn't know if it went beyond that. Sure, he'd indulged in fantasies about a future with her, but a future for any of them was looking grim now that the Reapers had arrived.

Was it even fair to her to think about getting involved? She'd lost one partner already and it had torn her up. What would it do to her if she lost another? They stared death in the eye and taunted it every time they stepped off of the shuttle. It was far more likely that they would succumb to it than that they'd beat it. Shepard seemed invincible, sure, but he sure as hell wasn't and he knew he'd give his life both for the mission and to save hers.

That wouldn't have been a particularly remarkable thing six months ago when he hadn't really had it in him to care whether he lived or died, but it was now. He wanted to _live_ , damn it. He'd realized that when he was crashing the Kodiak into the Cerberus shuttle. He hadn't hesitated, though, because Lola's voice had been desperate and she'd needed him and he'd already sacrificed a whole colony for important data. He couldn't refuse to sacrifice himself, especially given just how vital the intel was this time. On Fehl Prime, they'd been taking the indirect route prescribed by the Alliance while she'd been taking the direct one. This time, though, he was with the crew taking the most direct route and that meant he had to be willing to do whatever the hell it took to win this damn war. That didn't mean he wanted to die. She'd given him a purpose again and he was determined to see it through to the end.

The case behind his weights caught his eye and he cast a look around the shuttle bay to ensure that it was empty. It was late in the night cycle and even Esteban had gone up to the crew quarters. He knew he should be sleeping, too, but his mind was too restless. He opened the case and the good memories of his youth were a welcome distraction from all of the chaos and death they'd all been inundated with since the Reapers had come. He'd seen the guitar in a shop on the Citadel and it had reminded him of home and of simpler times. Hearing Shepard play and seeing the peace it brought her had made him want some of that for himself. Saving up for a house back on Earth or a new skycar or retirement seemed laughable now, so he'd gone with the impulse and bought it.

He drew it out and spent a few minutes tuning the instrument. It wasn't fancy and he'd had to restring it, but it wasn't a holographic one, either. Real wood met his fingers when he touched it and that was all he asked for. He began to strum, recalling a song his abuelo had sung to his abuela on quiet nights out on the porch after dinner. It had been decades since his abuelo had taught him how to play it, but the melody came back to him.

He'd teased his abuelo about the song when he'd been a child. Crossing mountains and rivers and valleys and facing down torments and cyclones and dragons just to look in a woman's eyes had seemed foolish to him. There were a lot of women out there. How could one be so special that a man would sacrifice his freedom? He'd thought his abuelo had sung it just to make his abuela smile. Now, thinking of Shepard, he realized that his abuelo had meant every word. Damn, he was in deep and sinking fast.


	15. Chapter 15

_Now and then there's a light in the darkness. Feel around till you find where your heart went. There's a weight in the air but you can't see why._

_Didn't I tell you, you were gonna break down? Didn't I want you? Everybody wants you. Tell me what you're needing, give in to your bleeding. Never any feeling for yourself._

_We build it up, we tear it down. We leave our pieces on the ground. We see no end, we don't know how. We are lost and we're falling. Hold onto me. You're all I have._

___

 

'Major Alenko, second human Spectre' didn't have quite the same ring as 'Commander Shepard, first human Spectre,' but it was enough to keep the words rolling around in his head even as he tried to locate the biotic students he'd been training before being reassigned as one of Shepard's guards. He wanted to find out if they were alive, but whether through training or death, they were eluding him. He hoped it was the former and he'd simply done his job well, but there was no way to know with this war.

He flexed his fingers and felt the whisper of dark energy over his skin as he tested his implant. The doc said it was better and that he could get out of here soon, but he still wanted to see for himself. He didn't think Chloe would clear him unless he was ready, but there was always risk when it came to the L2. It felt fine and he honestly believed that she'd probably kept him longer than was necessary. A part of him wondered if she'd done so in the hopes that they could revisit the budding relationship that had been cut short when Shepard had reappeared, but he thought she was more professional than that.

Chloe was sweet and smart and eager to make a difference. She was pretty and her lilting voice had been a balm to his ragged senses when he'd finally agreed to go to dinner with her. In all honesty, she was probably perfectly suited to him and exactly what he would have wanted had his heart not already belonged to another. Unfortunately for them both, Commander Shepard was a tough act to follow and Chloe just hadn't been enough of whatever it was that kept him tied to Shepard. She'd accepted his decline of further invitations without malice or complaint and they were friends, but he couldn't see her as more than that.

The small, interfaith chapel at Huerta Memorial was deserted and Kaidan took a seat at the piano and flexed his fingers. Music was one of the things he and Shepard had in common. His parents had insisted that both he and his sister learn a classical instrument when they'd been kids. They'd said it promoted intelligence and introspection. Kendra had chosen the cello. He'd been drawn to the piano. Shepard used to say it was further evidence that he saw the world in black and white.

His fingers drifted over the keys as he thought about the SR-1 and Horizon and Shepard's visits over the last few weeks and about what had happened on Mars. He'd thought about Mars a lot. He'd really screwed that one up. Things had been tense between them after he'd kissed her. No, he corrected, things had been tense between them after he'd _stopped_ kissing her. That terse, formal 'Major' had set the tone for the rest of their interactions and she'd firmly placed him in the role of guard and superior officer. Every bit of progress they'd made had been shattered and now he was left wondering once again what might have been. It felt like their relationship was defined by coming together and one or the other ripping it apart because neither of them had ever truly trusted the other.    

Even in the beginning, on the SR-1, they'd danced around each other. Neither one of them had been willing to bend first and they'd broken instead. He'd been so focused on trying to help her avoid the pitfalls that he'd neglected to consider that she might have already seen them and simply believed that he didn't have faith in her to see them through, that she might have thought he was constantly second-guessing her. She'd been everything to everyone without complaint, had pushed herself further than any human should be asked to do, and in the end, she'd given it all and he hadn't been there for her.

He hadn't told her that, though. At first, he'd been hesitant because he'd seen too much of Rahna in her. He'd waited for her to turn on him. He'd waited for her to see the extent of his abilities and fear him. She hadn't, of course. She'd respected them and had accepted him just as he was. Nothing he'd told her had scared her away. It had been what he hadn't said. It had been his hesitations and his reservations that had pushed her away. They were both too damn good at that.

Maybe they were simply destined to bounce off of each other, an immovable object constantly deflecting an unstoppable force. Maybe he didn't deserve happiness. Maybe he just couldn't trust. That had been their problem from the start and it was more apparent now. On Mars, he'd seen the Cerberus troopers and his first thought had been that she was involved even as she was pulling the trigger on her sniper rifle and taking them down one by one. It hadn't been enough evidence for him. She could have been taking them out so they couldn't talk and reveal her deception. His hands tensed, sending up a jangling, discordant note from the instrument that sounded like his current emotional state. Was she the Shepard he'd always known or was she something else? How much had she changed?

He winced as he recalled her reactions to him on the red planet. She'd been upset by his suspicion, but it was his reaction to the modified shock trooper that had been the most damaging. She'd played it off with a joke in the end, but he thought it would be a long time before he forgot the hurt that had flashed across her features when he'd asked if that had been what they'd done to her. _How can you compare me to him?_ She'd practically spat the question at him. _The person that I loved..._ Loved. Past tense. Was it? Had he? Did he? That had hurt her, too, but not as much as _Shepard, I don't know what you are..._ He'd hit a nerve there and had cut somewhere far deeper than he'd intended.

He’d thought he’d been certain about her, but Mars had proven otherwise. How the hell had Cerberus rebuilt her anyway? That just didn't happen. People didn't die and get rebuilt. Did they? Had they rebuilt her from the ground up? Did she have her own mind? Was any part of her the original? Was there anything left of the woman he'd loved or was she just a convincing copy? And why was he the only one who questioned it? Anderson and Hackett had accepted it without hesitation. Garrus and Tali had followed her back into hell. He knew she'd seen Wrex and Liara. When Wrex had messaged him about it, he hadn't seemed to have any doubts at all. Was there something about her the aliens could smell? He wished he had a way to be so sure. What did all of them see that he didn't?

And her reaction to what he'd said. Did she herself have doubts? Hell, how could she not? He tried to put himself in her shoes. If she really had died and come back, would she even know that she was still herself? Would she know if Cerberus had tampered with her? How? She said she didn't have a control chip, but that didn't mean there wasn't something more insidious and less obvious at play. There were no lengths to which Cerberus wouldn't go to get what they wanted. That had been made obvious on Mars. And they clearly had no qualms about tampering with the human body. The Illusive Man had called it an improvement. Had he 'improved' Shepard? She had cybernetics. He could see that in her eyes. Dr. Coré had looked convincing, too, and had fooled Liara. How much of Shepard was _her_ and how much of her was synthetic? Was she even real? She'd felt real when she'd been in his arms.

He shoved away from the piano. It couldn't soothe him the way the violin did her. He wanted to slam his fists down on the keys, but he called upon the discipline and control he'd so carefully cultivated. He wouldn't let himself slip even if his mind and heart were a maelstrom of conflicting thoughts and emotions. He was a Spectre now. Spectres didn't have temper tantrums because their girlfriend— _ex_ -girlfriend—might be a cyborg controlled by the enemy. If she was, he would just have to take her out. That's what Shepard would want. He had no doubt about that. He just didn't know if she was Shepard or not. He didn't know if he could trust her. He knew she didn't trust him.

And Lieutenant Vega. The man was clearly enamored with her. He'd certainly jumped in fast enough to defend her and Kaidan had caught the disparaging looks the lieutenant had shot him after he'd accused her. Was there something there? They'd spent a lot of time in very close quarters. They were close. He was sure about that. It was there in the open way she smiled at him and the way her hand had trailed down the marine's beefy arm when she'd seen him on Christmas Eve.

He remembered the speed with which she'd reacted to Vega getting shot by the batarian. She'd had a biotic sphere like he'd never seen before up around the marine and medigel in his system before Kaidan had even registered that the guy had been hurt. And when the other batarian had stabbed the lieutenant, there had been fury on her face as she'd broken the batarian's neck and then fear when she'd seen the extent of the injury. He'd seen Shepard react to injuries in the field before and even with him or Garrus, she had never cradled them the way she had the massive marine. She'd never touched them the way she had Vega.

 It was none of his business, Kaidan decided. They weren't together. His only concern with that should be the potential breaking of regs and what would the Alliance do to her now? They needed her too much. She could fuck her entire crew in the Council chambers and no one would even reprimand her for fear that she'd walk away. Regs meant nothing to her now. She was free. She was a Spectre in wartime. She had carte blanche. The only thing she could possibly do now that would have her cut off would be to rejoin Cerberus. Outside of that, she was an entity all her own. Hackett was nominally in charge of her, but that wouldn't last long. She was the only one with half a clue what she was doing. Everyone was looking to her.

He was almost back at his room when the alarms started going off. He broke into a run and caught the first nurse he found. "What's going on?" he asked the harried-looking asari.

"You need to return to your room," she answered. "The hospital is on lockdown. You'll be safe in your room."

"I'm not going to my room," he said. "Tell me what's happening."

She tried to push past him. "Sir, just go to your room. We'll let you know when it's safe to come out."

"I'm a Spectre," he said. He hadn't anticipated having to play that card so soon. "Answer my questions. Please."

That got her attention. The asari finally actually looked at him. "Major Alenko, sir, my apologies. I don't know much. We just received an alert that the ward arms are closing and the hospital is going on lockdown."

If the station was closing, that meant it was under attack. He had to get to the Council and help them evacuate. He nodded and sprinted for the elevator. His Spectre codes overrode the lock and it carried him up to the embassies. He found the turian and asari Councilors in Udina's office with him and requested that they follow him to the Spectre office. He locked that down while he found the set of armor that Udina had gotten delivered when he'd been made a Spectre. It was visually identical to his old hardsuit, but he noticed upgrades in the quality that he appreciated. When he was ready, he gathered them into a group and they began the trek to Shelmar Plaza and the shuttle.

"Where is Councilor Valern?" he asked.

"We don't know," Tevos said, wringing her hands. "He said he had a meeting to attend."

"I'll find him after I get you to safety," he informed them. He didn't like that they had no weapons or armor but Sparatus was a former general and at least had sharp teeth, talons, and training. Tevos was a biotic. Udina was the only one who was utterly defenseless, so he put him between himself and the other two and herded them along with his pistol drawn.

When they came to a corner, he ordered them to hold and they obeyed. It was a good thing he had, because it wasn't the Reapers he'd been afraid had attacked but Cerberus and they were waiting by the elevator. He explained his plan and Tevos put up a barrier around the councilors while Kaidan moved to confront the trio of shock troopers. An overload took down their shields and barriers. He used reave on the heavily armored trooper and the sniper and shot the nimble trooper carrying— _wait, was that a sword?!!_ Who carried swords in this day and age? He pushed the question aside for later and made sure she was down before turning his attention to the other two. Another shot took out the sniper before she could get a round off and he threw the guardian into a wall and fired into his helmet. This one looked just like the one on Mars, he noted with a shudder. He didn't want to see the other two.

He summoned the elevator and when he saw that it was clear, he motioned the councilors forward. They joined him and began the long descent to the plaza. He was waiting for Udina to begin shouting about Cerberus and being outraged, but the man was strangely silent. Kaidan thought he was finally finding a situation where Udina was smart enough to be afraid. The councilor may have been instrumental in promoting him to Spectre status, but Kaidan didn't entirely trust him, either. He remembered far too clearly how Udina had relished the opportunity to lock down the _Normandy_ to keep them from going to Ilos. A part of him still couldn't believe Anderson had punched him. He'd have paid to see that.

They were almost at their destination when he heard a thump on the roof. The councilors cried out in fear and Kaidan fired several rounds at the ceiling, hoping to catch the Cerberus trooper above before he or she could get down to them. Udina unnecessarily slammed his fist against the panel, stopping the elevator on the correct floor, and Kaidan waved them out of the lift. When they were clear, he turned and followed them. If he could just get them on the shuttle, they would evacuate to the _Destiny Ascension_ and he would go back for Valern.

The shuttle was on fire. Damn it! He was going to have to find another way. He ordered them back to the elevator and turned as Shepard came through the doors with her pistol drawn. Vega and Garrus were behind her and they had their guns as well. Betrayal was bitter in his mouth at the sight of her. Vega gave him pause for a moment because he'd thought the marine was as Alliance blue to the core as Kaidan himself was, but he knew how convincing Shepard could be. Garrus had already followed her with Cerberus, so his presence wasn't as surprising as it might have been otherwise. Kaidan just wondered whether he was following Shepard because he was that blindly loyal or if he'd somehow been convinced that Cerberus was right. How could he see what was happening here and still believe in her or them?

"Shepard's blocking our escape! She's with Cerberus!" Udina shouted, echoing Kaidan's suspicions.

"Just hang on!" Kaidan said, moving to put himself between Shepard and the Council as he tried to figure out a way to regain control of the situation. "I got this. Everyone just calm down."

He was going to die here. He knew it. There was no way he could defeat Shepard on his own. She was stronger than he was and with Garrus at her side, she was an unstoppable juggernaut. She lowered her pistol and he felt a moment of hope, but knew that she could have it back up and him dead before he would have time to do more than drop her barrier.

"I can explain this, Kaidan," she said.

He shook his head. There was no explaining this away. He might have been convinced that she'd truly believed that working with Cerberus was the only way to stop the Collectors, but this was a completely different story. "Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a councilor? Kinda looks bad." Garrus was staring him down, but Shepard completely relaxed her stance and gestured for the others to lower their weapons as well. Maybe, just maybe, he could convince her to surrender.

She began talking about Cerberus and Udina working together to kill the Council and claimed that Valern had confirmed it. Udina scoffed at her for her lack of proof and Kaidan had to admit it was very convenient even as she argued vehemently against him. Then, Tevos stepped forward and said, "We've mistrusted Shepard before and it did not help us." He almost missed Udina's reply as her words hit him with the force of a charging krogan. Shepard raised her pistol again as Udina moved and Kaidan shifted between them again.

Trust. That was what it had always boiled down to. There was never enough of it on either side. _We build it up. We tear it down. We leave our pieces on the ground._ Only this time, it wasn't just going to be pieces of their relationship on the ground. Only one of them would be walking away from this if they both refused to bend. Did he trust her? Could he bend for her? Did he have any other choice? She was implacable. She wasn't going to give in. What came next was completely up to him.

Staring down the barrel of a gun being held by the woman he loved—and he did still love her or he wouldn't feel so torn about this—was disconcerting, to say the least. He was almost positive she would pull the trigger. Was she still Shepard? Her eyes had been locked on Udina, but they flickered to him for a bare moment and she let her guard drop for a breath. She was begging him to trust her, to believe in her just this once. Was she still Shepard? She looked like Shepard. She sounded like Shepard. She tasted and felt like Shepard. She'd taken a crew through the Omega 4 relay and destroyed the Collector base and made it out alive. There was no way a clone or a VI could have done that and no way one could have fooled Garrus and Tali completely enough for them to follow even after months with her. She had to be Shepard, but was she still _his_ Shepard?

He remembered her standing in the living room of that tiny apartment in the detention center in Vancouver with the sunlight glinting off of her hair and making her violin glow. _And what if it makes you lose faith in me? And what if it makes you question every moment you cannot see?_ He took a deep breath and allowed himself to believe for an instant that she really had seen no other options but to work with Cerberus before.

If so, then she'd set aside her own morals in order to serve the greater good. His Shepard would have felt like she'd sold her soul to the devil. She would have loathed that symbol on her armor and on her ship. She would have cut ties the moment she was able. This Shepard had not only left Cerberus, but had voluntarily spent half a year in prison for a choice she'd been forced to make, a choice that had cost her far more than he'd been willing to see. Her sadness hadn't been all about the one she'd lost or even the crew. Even after the Blitz, sentencing a third of a million people, including civilians and even children, wasn't a call she would have made lightly. The times he'd caught her looking down at her hands like she was expecting to see blood had not all been the blood of her crew. The Reapers were here, just like she'd warned. If she hadn't shed that blood and made that call, none of them would have been prepared. They'd have been crushed with little to no resistance.

The only call that this Shepard had made that he couldn't reconcile with his Shepard was the choice to join Cerberus in the first place, but if she'd been telling the truth about the Alliance rejecting her and the Council refusing to listen to her, then even his Shepard would have done what she did. Shepard didn't see the stark lines between good and bad that he did. She saw the shades of grey. His Shepard had believed that sometimes, doing the wrong thing for the right reasons was the right thing and that allowing evil to triumph by sitting back and doing nothing made one just as guilty as abetting it. His Shepard would have chosen the lesser of two evils over inaction and she would have felt that she was doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.

Kaidan bent. Trust. He had to trust her. It felt like an eternity had passed since they'd moved last, but in reality, it had been only a heartbeat. He relaxed his weapon and muttered, "I better not regret this," as he stepped aside and turned to Udina. The relief on her face as she lowered her own weapon was clear. He ordered Udina away from the console, but the councilor didn't listen. Tevos went to him and tried to reason with him, but Udina shoved her away. Everything that happened after that was a blur in the moment that he would spend days trying to pick apart and piece together into a cohesive whole. Udina drew a weapon Kaidan hadn't known he'd had. Kaidan shouted out a warning. He hesitated because he'd expected Shepard to take the shot. She didn't. He did. Udina went down.

He'd killed a councilor. His first official day on the job and he'd killed his boss, the man who'd promoted him. Granted, he'd done it to save another councilor, but he couldn't stop himself from wondering if there was something else he could have done if he'd been faster, smarter, if he'd listened to Shepard before. He was just as guilty as the Council of refusing to trust her and heed her warnings and she'd been right all along. She stepped forward and said his name, but he was too raw, too uncertain, to do more than brush her off.

Sparatus shouted a warning and he and Shepard turned as one and aimed their pistols at the point where someone was cutting through the metal. The door opened to reveal Commander Bailey and confusion cut through him as cleanly as Bailey's omni-tool. She seemed as surprised to see the C-Sec commander as he was and the councilors shared his confusion. She'd said Cerberus was on the other side. Had she tricked him after all? Was that surprise or dismay in her voice? Then Bailey was confirming her story and he realized that he'd doubted her again.

After the Council was resituated and the remaining Cerberus troops cleared out, Kaidan returned to the Spectre office to shower and change back into his uniform and pack his shore bag. Hackett had offered him a position, but he knew that if he took it, whatever was between him and Shepard would never be resolved. He had to see her at least one more time. He carried his bag with him to the _Normandy_. He could catch a ride from the docks if he didn't end up rejoining her. When he arrived, he leaned against the railing and took in the sight of the ship. It was beautiful, he reflected. It looked similar to the SR-1, but was much larger and clearly more advanced. It was a ship anyone would be proud to command.

The docks began to fill up, so he went into the airlock to wait for her alone where he wouldn't be disturbed and began trying to parse through the events from earlier. He felt restless and gave in to the urge to pace as he slowed the confrontation down and examined each moment. Would she really have shot him? He was almost sure of it in the moment. His gut clenched as he remembered his certainty that she would have taken him down if he hadn't given in.

Had he relented because he'd known deep down who she was or had he let his love for her cloud his judgment and gotten lucky? Had he pulled the trigger on Udina out of some misguided desire to prove her right because he was that desperate to have her again? He couldn't remember thinking anything at the time and that bothered him. He didn't want to be the type of person who could pull the trigger on another human being and take their life without hesitation or a second thought. Could he have somehow talked Udina down if he'd just been patient? Could he have taken him in rather than taking him out? Had he transferred the sense of betrayal from Shepard to Udina? Had he killed a man because he was angry with him?

The thought sent ice water through his veins. Had he lost control again? Had he taken a life out of anger? Was it a righteous killing or was he a murderer? Again. He didn't know and that was tearing him apart. Had he looked at Udina and seen Vyrnnus? Had Tevos morphed into Rahna in his mind? Forget trusting Shepard. Could he trust himself? Why had she hesitated? Had she seen something he'd missed because he was furious that the councilor had duped him or because he'd hurt and threatened Tevos? His blunt nails bit into his palms and his knuckles went white as he tried to figure himself out. He could evaluate the motives of others and come to a conclusion within less than a second, but it was harder when it came to himself. Introspection took time and that was time he didn't have. If he was a murderer who couldn't control himself, then he had no business either aboard the _Normandy_ or with Hackett's team.

The doors to the airlock slid open and she walked in. She seemed far too casual given what had just happened. She didn't get his reservations at first, but when she did, her demeanor changed. Her eyes widened in acknowledgment and she gave him that piercing stare that made him feel like she was stripping through the layers of himself and uncovering truths about him that took him ages to learn. When she said certainly, "You acted with integrity," he felt something tight within him loosen. He might feel like he didn't know himself or her, but she knew him and he needed that certainty.

He didn't want to join Hackett's team. He wanted to come aboard the _Normandy_. He wanted to serve with her again. He wanted to get to know her again. He wanted to see if this time, they could pick the pieces up and build something together that mattered and would last. He'd missed her and for the first time in three years, he felt like she was really back. She was here and she was alive and he wanted to see if she could finally be his.

He'd finally bent, but would she bend with him now that he'd made the first move? He thought he had his answer when she said, "Welcome aboard, Major." Stepping onto the _Normandy_ with his shore bag over his shoulder felt like coming home after a long deployment. It wasn't the same. Nothing was the same. But that didn't mean that it couldn't be better.

She briefed him on the available cabins as she showed him around the CIC. Joker, at least, seemed glad to see him, but he almost had a heart attack when he saw the mech that had attacked him on Mars sitting in the copilot's seat. For the second time that day, he and Shepard stood at odds with a gun between them. This time, though, she reached out and calmly placed a hand over his pistol and directed it down. "Relax, Kaidan," she said soothingly. "It's EDI now. She won't hurt you."

"EDI?" he asked suspiciously, eyeing the mech warily as his barrier flickered around him. He felt slightly foolish being so on guard when both Shepard and Joker were completely relaxed, but he couldn't stop the reaction.

"Yeah," Joker said, "EDI's our AI. She got us through the Omega 4 relay and she saved my ass when the Collectors came and took the crew. Now, she's got a rockin' new body. Guess you wouldn't appreciate it as much as I do, though. I mean, she hasn't tried to kill me yet."

"I am simply waiting for an opportune moment, Jeff," the mech said smoothly. Kaidan tensed and it looked up at him. "That was a joke," it said flatly.

"Maybe not the best idea to be joking about that right now, EDI," Shepard chided.

"I apologize if this body has caused you distress, Major Alenko," the mech said. "I can assure you that the program that assaulted you on Mars is gone. I...killed it."

"Thanks...I think," he said slowly. He looked at Shepard and Joker again and let his barrier fall.

"Would have been nice of you to give him a heads up, Shepard," Joker said. "I guess that's payback for the shit he said on Mars. Oh, and you know, _pulling a gun_ on you. Yeah, I heard about that little incident. What were you thinking, Kaidan?"

"Stow it, Joker!" Shepard snapped. "It's been a long day and we don't need you adding to it."

"Sorry, Commander," Joker said contritely and turned his chair away from them.

"He is right, though. I should have warned you," she said. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about it."

"It's okay," Kaidan said. "Just, uh, maybe don't sneak up on me for a while, EDI."

"I will be sure to announce my presence when approaching you," it said. "I do like this body. It would be a shame to lose it before I had a chance to field test it."

The AI put stress on the last part of the sentence that almost sounded as if it was chiding someone, probably Shepard given that its eyes had cut to her when it'd said it. Shepard grinned and said, "I promise I'll give you the chance to take it out for a spin, EDI. Maybe once Major Alenko gets used to you and won't be in danger of reflexively shooting you, we'll all go out and let him have the chance to see you fighting alongside him rather than that body attacking him."

"I would appreciate that, Shepard," the AI said.

"Moving on," Shepard sighed.

She led him down to the crew quarters where he decided to claim the observation lounge. He liked the view of the stars and he wasn't entirely surprised to see a bookshelf with real books. Shepard liked to read and she enjoyed the sensation of paper in her hands. It was another thing they had in common. He stowed his shore bag and followed her out into the mess. Dr. Chakwas seemed happy to see him as did Liara. Garrus greeted him without the animosity he'd expected and just looked concerned for Shepard. It wasn't until they were boarding the lift again that he realized she'd skipped the room marked Life Support in their tour. "What's in there?" he asked as the doors slid closed.

"That was Thane's quarters," she answered tightly.

"Oh," he said inanely and rubbed the back of his neck. The drell's death still hurt her, then. It was a part of her that she was clearly unwilling to share with him. She hadn't talked much about him and Kaidan knew little more than what was in the reports. She'd loved him. That much was apparent. He tried to picture it and failed. He didn't know if he really wanted to succeed in doing so. The thought of her loving someone after him made his chest ache.

She showed him around engineering where he reacquainted himself with Engineer Adams and she introduced Donnelly and Daniels. He wasn't surprised to see that she'd allowed a reporter on the ship. He'd seen _Battlespace_ while he'd been in the hospital and had watched her interview after Tuchanka. He still couldn't completely believe that she'd agreed to having the reporter on in the first place, though. She hated reporters after al-Jilani had tried to drag her name through the mud and this one didn't seem like someone she would get along with at all. Allers' dress was just a bit too tight, her makeup just a little too caked on, her stare at both of them a little too bold and lingered just a few seconds too long. He felt dirty just being in the room with her.

She took him down to the shuttle bay to finish the tour. He'd been here before, of course, but there hadn't been much time to look around between Earth and Mars. He knew where the armor locker was and had seen the weapons rack and benches. She showed him the procurement interface and how to log in to the Spectre requisitions menu and how to activate the setup for the shooting range. He greeted Cortez and was glad the guy had come along. He liked Steve and if he hadn't had his heart so set on Shepard and if the man wasn't so obviously grieving for his lost husband, he thought there was a chance he might have _liked_ Steve. As it was, though, he thought they could become good friends, especially now that Shepard was free.

He was a bit dismayed to see Vega in an area he'd apparently claimed for himself. The marine had his broad back to them and seemed entirely unconcerned with the weight of the heavy mechs overhead. He might have liked Vega, too, because the man was a good soldier and was fiercely determined to protect Shepard, but Kaidan couldn't see him as anything but competition, especially when the marine looked over his shoulder and said smoothly, "Hey, Lola. Rough day?" Kaidan hadn't particularly liked the nickname from the beginning, but she seemed perfectly okay with it and he wondered again if there was something going on there.

"You could say that," she said, striding over to him. Kaidan followed, stepping around a KEI-9 mech as he did so.

Vega turned to face her and did a double-take when he saw Kaidan. "What's he doing here?" he hissed loudly.

"He asked to rejoin the crew," she explained.

"Seriously?" Vega said, taking her by the arm and drawing her further into his alcove. "Shepard, he had a gun pointed at you just a few hours ago."

"I had one pointed on him, too," she pointed out. "And so did you. It got fired at the right person. No harm done. Now, are you finished questioning my judgment or do you want to keep protesting and make me wonder if you're just jealous you won't be the only human guy with a nice ass on the ship anymore?"

"Hey!" Cortez called out. "I'll have you know I have a great ass!"

"Perhaps," she called back with a grin, "but you said you liked blondes, so I don't ogle your ass."

Kaidan began to get irritated at the idea of her ogling anyone's ass until he realized that meant she was doing it to his, too. And she'd said it was nice. He grinned. Vega shot him a dirty look that was somewhat mitigated by the color creeping up his thick neck. Shepard smirked at him and said, "Told you I'd make you blush, Mr. Vega."

"Yeah, yeah," Vega muttered. He raised his voice and directed it to Cortez, "Just for your information, I happen to have a fantastic ass!"

"I noticed!" Cortez replied with a laugh.

"You putas are gonna be the death of me," Vega grumbled. "Seriously, though, Commander. Are you sure about this?"

"I'm sure," she said firmly.

When he cut another look in his direction, Kaidan raised a brow and tilted his head. _Yes, sir, you do have competition_ , he thought. _But I've got the advantage. I've already been there. The fact that you're blushing over her admiration of your ass tells me you haven't. Game on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rob Thomas, "Pieces" https://youtu.be/O11UikJigxo


	16. Chapter 16

_What the hell were the quarians thinking?_ James wondered. They were all loco. Starting a war with the geth to reclaim their homeworld while the Reapers were decimating the galaxy was one of the stupidest things he'd ever heard of. What good was a homeworld going to do them if the Reapers won? A lot of races, it seemed, had some screwed-up priorities and almost all of them were taking advantage of the situation to get themselves ahead and using Shepard to do it.

The krogan had made her cure the genophage and okay, maybe that was a good thing, but he wasn't entirely certain. More importantly, though, what good was breeding going to do them if they all died out? Even the krogan couldn't beat the Reapers alone. But James had no doubt they'd have left the rest of them swinging in the wind if Shepard hadn't pulled another miracle out of her hot little ass and actually done it.

The salarians had refused to help at all until she'd saved Valern during the coup. The asari were still hem-hawing around and only committing small portions of their resources. And the quarians wanted her to win Rannoch back in a war they'd instigated and couldn't finish on their own. There was no 'Thanks for saving our asses, Shepard. Now, let's table this and deal with the real threat first,' with them. No. The quarians wanted their homeworld at all costs and they wanted it now. James slammed his fist on the table in frustration. Couldn't these pendejos see yet that none of them were going to make it if they all kept this shit up? Of course, he couldn't say much. Humanity had Cerberus and they seemed determined to actually help the Reapers win the war. At least no other race had that going for them.

He hated getting left behind. Shepard and that quarian Tali had boarded a geth dreadnought and she'd taken Kaidan along, saying that the three of them had the most experience fighting geth together. It was the first time James had been passed over since the war had started and he didn't like it even if Scars did point out that she favored that particular grouping for geth because it gave her both biotics and tech and allowed her to provide the range.

He was so used to seeing her charge around a battlefield that he forgot sometimes that she'd been an infiltrator before she'd died. The sight of the Widow she called Eleanor on her back as she'd boarded the shuttle only made him feel marginally better. At least she wasn't planning on being in the middle of the fray. He knew Sparks had had her back both with the mission against Saren and again against the Collectors. The little quarian was tougher than she looked if Scars was to be believed and she at least had experience fighting alongside Shepard as both a vanguard and an infiltrator. Alenko hadn't fought with her since she'd come back. He didn't know how to cover her in the field like James did. James kept picturing Shepard locking her sniper rifle onto her back and charging with her Wraith and Alenko dropping the ball.

The doors to the lift opened and James looked over to see Scars exiting. He looked as restless as James felt. The atmosphere in the shuttle bay was tense. Esteban was working on the Kodiak with a focus that told James he was just as unhappy about being stuck on the ship as James was. They'd docked with the dreadnought, so there was no need for the shuttle pilot. Cortez was used to being in the action, too. Garrus sauntered over to James and took a seat on a crate. He didn't like being left behind, either.

"Kaidan's a good soldier," the turian said without preamble and James wondered if he was trying to convince him or himself. "He'll keep her safe. And Tali knows what she's doing."

"And when Shepard decides to go from infiltrator to vanguard?" James asked, putting his worry into words. "What's he going to do then?"

"He'll roll with it," Garrus said. "She's briefed him. He knows to expect a different fighting style. It may take them a little bit to get cohesive again, but Kaidan knows how to read her in the field. Kaidan's abilities have changed, too. They're going to have to figure each other out. But Tali knows how to pick up the slack in a team with an unknown third member."

"What if that extra few seconds it takes them to react to each other is all it takes?" James asked without looking up from his workbench.

Garrus shifted and said, "Shepard doesn't really need a third person or even a team at all. It helps her, but she could do it on her own if she absolutely had to. Did she ever tell you about taking on a gunship with Kasumi?"

"No," James said.

"Kasumi was a thief," Garrus explained. "Someone stole something from her and she wanted Shepard to help her get it back. They infiltrated the estate of an arms dealer on Beckenstein and went after it, but he was somehow alerted to their purpose. He locked them in the vault and sent his personal army after them. Shepard and Kasumi fought their way out and Hock got in his gunship and tried to take them out. It didn't work."

"Yeah," James said as the elevator opened again, "but a merc army and a ship full of geth are very different things." Damn, the bay was popular today. Everyone, it seemed, was coming to congregate down here. It might have made sense if they'd been out in the shuttle, but she'd be coming back in through the airlock. Habit was apparently hard to shake.

"That wasn't the only time she took on something bigger than herself with only one other person," Liara said, joining them. "She and I defeated the Shadow Broker alone when Thane was incapacitated." When James didn't look sufficiently impressed, she added, "The Shadow Broker was a yahg."

"A yahg?" he asked. Okay, that was impressive. Those motherfuckers were as big as brutes. "How the hell did you manage that?"

"Very carefully," Liara said with a tight smile. "Shepard beat him up and I quite literally fried his shields."

"She beat him up?" he repeated incredulously. "Like with her fists?"

Liara nodded. "Yes, she did use her fists. She got a few good punches in, too. I was very impressed. He hid behind a shield bigger than she was, but even that didn't stop her. I have video."

Of course she did. "I would like to see that," James said. He couldn't imagine Shepard taking on a yahg with her tiny little fists. She packed a punch. He knew that. But a yahg?

"So would I, actually," Garrus interjected. "She left me behind that time, too. Spirits, you should have seen her when she got back to the ship with Thane. I don't think I've ever seen her that worried. She made Chakwas check him three times."

Liara said, "Well, he did take a very large desk to the chest and she did find a medical record stating that any injury could send him into rapid degeneration and significantly shorten his lifespan."

"So that's why she left him on the ship for weeks until he...what do you humans say? Bit her ass?" Garrus asked.

"Chewed her ass, I think," James said. Of course, biting wasn't necessarily out of the question, either, if they'd been lovers. He didn't want to think about it.

Garrus nodded. "And, of course, there's Aratoht and Project Base to consider."

That caught what was left of James' wandering attention. He stopped trying to imagine what was happening on the dreadnought and turned to face the asari and turian. Across the bay, Esteban stopped what he was doing and adopted a listening posture as well. Shepard didn't talk about Aratoht and those reports had been dramatically redacted. All he knew was that she'd sent an asteroid into a mass relay to stop the Reapers and had destroyed a star system in the process.

"What happened?" he asked when Garrus didn't continue.

"Someone in the Alliance—" Liara began.

"I know it was Hackett," he interjected.

Garrus and Liara looked at each other and then Garrus nodded and took over. "Hackett asked her to go rescue a deep-cover operative trapped in a batarian prison. He insisted that she go alone. I tried to talk her into taking me with her, but she refused. Maybe if Thane had still been alive, he could have done it, but she wouldn't listen to any of us. She infiltrated the prison on her own and broke the operative out. They had to fight their way out when the guards were alerted.

"They were supposed to go back to Arcturus Station, but Kenson took them to her base on the asteroid instead. We had no idea where she was. Shepard learned that Kenson was indoctrinated along with everyone else in the base. According to the data we recovered from her hardsuit, she held off almost two hundred indoctrinated Alliance soldiers before the unshielded Reaper artifact they had her locked in a room with took her down. She was out of contact for two days."

Liara said, "I spent that entire two days searching for information on the base and attempting to locate it. I finally did only a few hours before she sent out the distress signal."

Garrus said, "We went after her. She'd spent that time drugged and unconscious, but sedatives don't work well on her and she was able to come around. When she woke up, the Reapers were less than two hours away from entering the system and pouring through the relays. She had no choice but to send the asteroid into it. She tried to warn the batarians to evacuate, but Kenson sabotaged her. Shepard singlehandedly took out every single person on that base who didn't have the good sense to run before we got to her." The turian's voice dropped and he said, "I don't think I've ever seen her that bleak. She locked herself in her cabin for two days and didn't come out."

"And then, of course, there is Elysium," Liara said. "Dr. Chakwas could probably give you more insight into that than we could. She was there."

"Wait. She was?" James asked.

"She was on shore leave there as well," Liara said.

"No shit," James remarked. Maybe the good doctor could tell him what happened there. He still didn't entirely understand why Shepard didn't talk about it. If it had gone the way of Fehl Prime, he'd get it, but she'd been a hero. She'd saved all those people. It had to just be humility and he didn't feel like he was violating her privacy if she was just being humble.

"Uh, hey, Lieutenant?" Joker said over the comm.

James looked up and said, "Yes, Joker?"

"You might want to, uh, call for general quarters," the pilot advised.

James straightened. He was the ranking officer aboard with both Shepard and Kaidan off of the ship. That meant that she hadn't returned and the shit had hit the fan. "Do it, EDI" he said. "What's going on?"

"The dreadnought has been disabled and now the quarians are firing on it, but they didn't even let us get out of dock!" Joker said. "And Shepard and the ground team are still aboard."

"Shit," James cursed. "Get us away from the dreadnought." His gut clenched at the thought of leaving Shepard and the team, but his duty now was to protect the ship. There were dozens of lives, including the quarian dignitaries on board, that were in his hands. It wasn't a position he'd wanted to be in again, but here he was. He ran to the intercom panel on the wall and said, "This is Lieutenant Vega! All hands, battle stations! Now!"

Garrus and Liara jumped into the lift with him. As the doors closed, he saw Esteban run for the shuttle. If Shepard needed extraction, he was going to be ready. The elevator deposited Garrus and Liara on the crew deck and the turian ran for the main battery. A few seconds later, James was running through the CIC and the bridge to the cockpit. Traynor shot him a worried look from her post and he was gratified to see that the other members of the crew had obeyed his command. He grasped the back of the pilot's chair and said, "Status."

Joker's hands flew over the controls and through the window, James could see the quarian ships firing on the dreadnought. Smaller geth fighters were fighting back, but the dreadnought simply hung limply in the void. He saw small, brief explosions where the quarian volleys hit and told himself not to try to imagine what it was like for the crew inside. Shepard had to get out of there, damn it!

"Shepard and the team are trying to get to the geth docking bay to commandeer a fighter," Joker said. "It's too hot to send the shuttle or for us to get back in there. Damn it, don't those fools know that if we lose Shepard, we lose everything?"

"Focus, Lieutenant," James ordered.

EDI said, "The team has reached the docking bay. Legion is assisting. However, I am reading a loss of gravity on the dreadnought."

James listened as Joker contacted Shepard and ascertained that she was safe. "Just, uh, waggle the wings or something so I know it's you," the pilot said as he engaged a fighter that had gotten in their way. Joker looked up at him and said, "She isn't going to be happy. The docking tube broke on their way in and she almost got spaced again. Now, this? I don't want to be the quarian who gave the order to fire with them still on board."

"If they don't make it back, I'm going to throw that pendejo out the airlock," James growled.

"I'll help," EDI said.

"Shepard inbound. Opening the shuttle bay," Joker announced.

"Good work," James said.

He waited in the cockpit until Shepard stepped out into the CIC with Sparks, Kaidan, and... "Is that a geth?" he demanded.

Joker turned and said, "Yep. That's Legion. It's a...friend. Sort of."

"Legion assisted the commander in the mission against the Collectors," EDI added. "It is a friend."

James shook his head. "Whatever you say," he said, moving to intercept the commander.

Shepard didn't look upset or afraid. She looked furious. He'd never seen her that angry. She ordered Traynor to get Hackett on the QEC. Tali stormed through the checkpoint into the war room, her glowing eyes positively flashing and her hood trembling with her own anger. Shepard attempted to sidestep him, but he raised a brow and motioned with his head for her to follow him. She looked like she was going to blow him off, but reconsidered. He drew her into the relative privacy of the storage area that Cortez had said was the old armory but had been abandoned when the retrofits ended early.

"Make it quick, Lieutenant," she said, crossing her arms. "I can't keep Hackett waiting."

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said. "I'm just pissed. You heard?"

"I'm your XO when you and the major are ashore," he pointed out. "I had to make the call whether to stay docked with the dreadnought or get out and try to figure out another way to get you back."

Her posture softened and she put a hand on his arm. "You made the right one, Vega," she assured him. "Protecting the ground team is my job. Someone has to be looking out for the rest of the crew. When you're in command of the ship, that's your job. You keep them safe as long as doing so doesn't jeopardize the mission. I expect you to leave me behind if it means protecting them. The lives of the many always outweigh the lives of the few."

"And if you had intel on, say, the Catalyst and saving you meant losing them?" he asked, unable to stop himself.

"What would you do?" she asked, turning it back around on him.

"Save the intel," he said hesitantly.

She nodded. "Good answer. In that instance, saving the intel saves more lives than will be lost on this ship. It doesn't matter who's holding it, whether it's me or Kaidan or Garrus or the lowest-ranking ensign. Make the call that ultimately saves the most people and you will almost never be wrong. The thing is, the answer to that question isn't always the most obvious one or based on the numbers you have in front of you."

"Like when you chose to save the Council," he said.

She nodded. "Yes. I couldn't be certain that doing so would be worth the loss of life, but I'd hoped that a grateful Council who'd actually seen Sovereign would be more willing to trust me and listen. I still don't know if that was the right call. It certainly didn't work out that way. A new Council might have been galvanized by the loss of the old. I'll never know. I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. It's all you can do." She sighed. "Now, I have to get to Hackett and deal with the quarians. Remind me that I can't punch a foreign dignitary because I'm mad that he almost got us killed."

"Actually, Commander..." James said with a grin.

"Not helping, James," she said, grinning back and shaking her head. She clasped his elbow since it was closer than his shoulder and said, "You did the right thing. I'm proud of you."

Her words echoed in his ears and his skin burned from her touch even after she walked away. He stood in the alcove for a long moment as he tried to get his feet back under him. Shepard was proud of him. He'd stepped up into a position of leadership again and had made a call that could have gotten her killed and she was proud of him.

Additionally, she'd just unknowingly justified the call he'd made on Fehl Prime. _You do the best you can with the information you have._ That's what he'd done. He hadn't known that Shepard was making his intel obsolete. If she hadn't been out there, that intel could have saved a lot of lives. If he'd known, he would have let Treeya go and saved the colonists. It had been his first instinct until he'd realized she had the data. It would have hurt him to do it and he probably would have still been trying to figure out how to save her even now, but he'd have gone back for the colonists. It wasn't their fault that he hadn't known differently. It wasn't Treeya's. It wasn't Shepard's. And it sure as hell wasn't his.

 

Art by Story/unlucky-words


	17. Chapter 17

Kaidan knew it was going to be a bad day from the moment he woke. He was all too familiar with the slight tension resting at the base of his skull. It didn't seem like much now, but it would grow until the light hit his eyes the wrong way or sound jarred him or he tried to use his biotics and then it would uncoil and strike. He was going to have a migraine today. There was no question about it. He could go to Chakwas now and get something to hold it at bay for a while, but it would eventually shake even those chains and be worse when it did. The best thing he could do was to go get chow, drink a lot of water, and hole up in the observation lounge with the lights down until he'd weathered the storm.

The problem was that today was the day they were going to disable the Reaper signal and take back Rannoch. He knew Shepard wanted him on the ground team for this. Aside from Tali, he had more experience fighting the geth with her than anyone else on the crew. He wanted to be there, damn it, but there was no way he could risk going out today when there were others who could take his place. He would be a potential liability and he wouldn't do that. He was going to have to tell her. Garrus knew what he was doing. Garrus had fought geth with her before. Garrus could read her mind better than any of them. The turian could take over as the sniper while Shepard took Kaidan's place as the biotic.

He found her in the mess hall with Tali, Garrus, Vega, and Traynor. Gardner, the mess sergeant, had made something that looked vaguely appetizing, so he fixed a tray and carried it over to the table to join them. He didn't know why she'd been so insistent on having Gardner. The man was better at fixing a toilet than he was at cooking, but Joker had assured him that he'd gotten much better at the latter. Kaidan supposed she just wanted people she trusted aboard and, for some reason, she trusted the ex-Cerberus mess sergeant.

"Morning, Kaidan," she said as he took his seat.

"Morning," he said.

Her eyes narrowed on him and she put her fork down. "You've got a migraine coming on," she said. She had been able to tell on the SR-1 as well, but he'd expected her to have forgotten in the intervening years. Apparently, his tells hadn't changed. He nodded and she said, "Damn. All right. Vega, you're up."

"Vega?" he asked before he could catch himself. She raised a brow and he said, "I just expected you to take Garrus."

She shook her head. "If you're down, either Garrus or Vega will step in as XO. Vega did well the other day, but Garrus has more experience commanding the _Normandy_ in my stead and he knows how she fights. There is a very real chance that when we cut that signal, we're going to draw the Reapers. I want him on board. Vega will come with me. He has the most experience fighting alongside me of anyone else in this crew."

"What about Liara?" Kaidan asked. Liara could step into his role easily as well.

"Liara doesn't do that well against geth," Shepard said. "If it was Reaper troops, I'd consider it, but I think James will be better. Besides, he should get the opportunity to face them at least once in this war, don't you think?"

"Are you sure this is the right time for a training exercise?" Kaidan asked. He didn't know why he was pushing so hard. Vega was a damn good soldier. He would do his job. And she was probably right that he would do better in a tech-based fight than Liara. Liara really didn't hold up that well against geth. Her biotics were geared more toward damaging organics than synthetics. He just didn't trust Vega to keep Shepard safe in something this big.

"I'm sure," she said in a tone that let him know he needed to stop questioning her.

"About damn time I get to kill some geth," Vega said enthusiastically. "I'd feel like I was missing out if I didn't get to shoot at least one of them."

"You'd better shoot more than one," Garrus teased.

"I don't know, Garrus," Tali said. "I may not give him the chance. Have you seen my new AI hacking program?"

"You had it on the _Alarei_ ," Garrus said, "and I distinctly recall racking up almost as many kills as you did."

"Yes," she said, "but Vega's new. I suppose I can save some for him, though, since it is his first time."

Shepard ignored their banter and slid closer to Kaidan. "How bad?" she asked quietly.

"Feels like it's gonna be a bad one," he admitted.

She waited until he finished his meal and then said, "Come with me."

He followed her to the lift, feeling Vega's eyes on his back until they rounded the corner. He'd expected her to lead him to the med bay, but if this was going where he thought it was, it was even better. She hit the button for her deck and he got to see her cabin for the first time. It was a lot nicer than her old cabin on the SR-1, that was for sure. There was a real bed rather than a couple of cots pushed together and there was a clear demarcation between the work and living spaces. He noted a pair of glasses on her coffee table and wondered who she'd had up here, but decided not to ask. She leaned a shoulder against the fish tank with her arms crossed as he looked around the room. He wasn't surprised to see real books on the bookshelf and he knew from Christmas that she'd started collecting model ships. She had a lot of them, though. The display case was entirely full. She also had a hamster, he noted.

"Cute," he said, peering through the glass. The fluffy animal left its house to sniff the air and made a squeaking sound before hiding again. "What's his name?"

"Pip," she answered. "I was going to go for something grand sounding like Odysseus or Maximus, but then I realized he was just a little pipsqueak and he didn't need a big name."

"I didn't realize you liked pets," he said.

"I've never had one before," she replied. "The fish don't count. They're just for display and gods know I killed enough of them before I got a VI to feed them. I never forgot to feed Pip, though. He's good company."

He meandered down into her quarters and went to her desk where a battered pair of dog tags rested in a frame beside a scarred and blackened helmet. It took him a moment to register what he was seeing, but when he did, he felt like he'd been kicked in the chest by an elcor. His knees trembled and it took an enormous amount of willpower for him to remain standing. He gripped the edge of her desk and reached out a shaking hand for the frame. He barely heard her telling him that Hackett had given them to Liara for her. The image of her rising above him wearing nothing but these dog tags and his name on her lips with her head thrown back and her hands on his chest formulated in his mind. He quickly put the frame back down but reached for the helmet that had been covering her head when he'd watched her die. It was pitted and charred and there was a faint odor from the interior that made his gut churn.

He felt her hand on his back and she said, "I'm here, Kaidan. I'm all right. It's over."

He dropped the helmet and turned to gather her in his arms. She froze for a moment before sliding her arms around him and holding him firmly. He felt like he had on Horizon before he'd noticed the Cerberus symbol on Miranda's armor that had confirmed the rumors they'd heard. This time, though, he didn't let her go. He didn't care that she'd been with Cerberus. He didn't care that they'd been in an armed standoff only a few days before. He only cared that she was here. She was alive and she was in his arms and that was the only thing that mattered. He buried his face in her hair and breathed deeply, felt the warmth of her body against him, and he felt his shoulders begin to shake as he finally, finally let go.

"Hey," she said softly. "It's okay. It's okay, sweetheart. Don't cry."

He wasn't crying, was he? He hadn't cried when she'd died. He hadn't cried when she'd come back. It had been too big for tears. When you couldn't breathe anymore, you didn't cry about it. You fought for air. That was what living without her had been like. It had been like all of the air had been sucked out of the room and he'd somehow managed to maintain consciousness, to move and think and act, but the entire time, he'd been missing something that had been absolutely vital to him. He'd survived losing her, but he hadn't truly lived. Only now did he feel like the air was completely back and he could breathe again. Only now could he let himself cry for her.

"I missed you, Shepard," he whispered into her hair. "I missed you so much. I'm sorry for what I said on Horizon. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I should have let you explain and I should have listened. Maybe together, we could have found a way to get you back with the Alliance."

"The Alliance turned its back on me, Kaidan," she said. "I tried to go back. They wouldn't take me. And then...I didn't want to go back. Even now, I'm only here because Anderson threw those tags. I'd be doing this as a Spectre otherwise and that's how I wanted it."

He drew back so that he could see her face. "Why?"

"Think about it, _Major_. Think about it like that cynical idealist back on the SR-1 and not the Alliance loyalist who's done nothing but rise," she said without heat.

"You resent me," he said slowly, sliding his hands down her arms.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "What were you supposed to do? Walk away? Tell them to shove their accolades and promotions? No. I don't resent you. I resent them."

Kaidan couldn't wrap his head around that, but he knew he didn't want to fight and he was looking at one if he didn't at least try. Think cynical, she'd said. He could do that. He called up the mindset that had him believing that humans had been deliberately exposed to eezo and distrusting the Council from the get-go. It felt strange to apply that type of thinking to the Alliance. They'd done so much for him. He'd always been loyal to them. He'd been grateful to them for taking him and giving him a second chance after Brain Camp. He'd questioned a lot, including individuals within the Alliance, but he'd never questioned the Alliance as a whole and that was what she wanted him to do now.

He held her elbows and forced himself to ignore the coiling at the back of his head and think. When he did, his mind carried him through the same patterns that Vega had seen months before and more. Why had Hackett given Liara the dog tags instead of Kaidan? He hadn't bothered to hide their relationship once she'd been gone. The regs hadn't mattered anymore. She'd been dead. Hackett must have known that Liara was working to bring her back. If so, then why hadn't he already had something in place to reinstate her? Why hadn't either Hackett or Anderson done everything in their power to get her away from Cerberus?

Hackett trusted Shepard without reservation. He always had. He'd had her back in everything until Aratoht and even in that, he'd supported her as much as he could. Kaidan knew Hackett had sent her to Aratoht. Shepard hadn't revealed that to the Defense Committee even when she could. That meant she'd willingly withheld the information to protect the admiral. She had to have known that Hackett was the only one who could do all that he had to prepare for the Reapers. Anderson had supported her after the Bahak incident as well. But they were just two people and they'd been helpless against the Committee.

If the Alliance was just trying to appease the Hegemony, her incarceration would have been a formality. Instead, it had been deadly serious. He'd even been approached to give his testimony regarding Horizon and he was now ashamed to admit that he'd done so. His promotion to major had come shortly after. He'd told himself it was a coincidence, but now he wasn't so certain. The promotion to LC after the Battle of the Citadel might have made more sense if Shepard had received one as well, but she hadn't. His promotion to Staff Commander had come on the heels of his assignment to Horizon and he now wondered if that had been a preemptive bid to maintain his loyalty. Hackett and Anderson hadn't been the only ones who'd risen on the back of her dead body.

And just how had the batarians found out she was the one responsible for the Bahak incident? That was classified. It made sense that the Illusive Man might have leaked it, but siccing aliens on her didn't seem like Cerberus' style and it had only guaranteed that she would be put into Alliance custody where the Illusive Man couldn't get to her and wouldn't get the ship back. It wasn't a smart tactic for Cerberus. It was, however, a smart tactic for the Alliance. They'd gained a ship and intel and had gotten her under their control.

Another thought had been niggling at his mind since Morris had tried to sell her to the batarians. All prisoners were fitted with trackers. The guards were given a schedule and notified of any unscheduled transfers. Prisoners had to be cleared through the checkpoints by command. They hadn't even been able to take her to chapel on Christmas without Anderson's okay even though she was allowed to go. Morris never should have been allowed to leave the building with her. Vega might have bought the story, but the guards would have known better. Anderson hadn't cleared her to leave. Hackett wouldn't have. So how had Morris managed to get her out of the building in the first place? The only other people with the clearance to authorize that were on the Committee.

He gripped her arms as if to steady himself as his worldview shifted under his feet. "When did you figure it out?" he asked.

She shrugged nonchalantly and said, "I began to suspect they weren't happy with me when they made a show of promoting you and allowed the Council to send us out into the Terminus Systems. Then, I came back and they wouldn't take me. They wouldn't tell me where you were. I was treated like a pariah and yet Hackett kept asking all of these favors of me and he made sure that I got my dog tags back and gave me the coordinates for the _Normandy_ crash site. He was clearly still on my side, so why hadn't the Alliance reinstated me? And then I found a missive between Internal Affairs and Admiral Hackett. INA wanted to take me into custody for interrogation. Hackett's reply was, 'Request denied.'"

Kaidan laughed. "Sounds like Hackett."

She nodded. "To top it off, you'd said you'd gotten reports that I was with Cerberus and they were trying to make it look like Cerberus was behind the disappearances when we know from Vega and Cortez that they were already aware that the Collectors were responsible and both Anderson and Hackett had my data on them. So they certainly weren't on my side. And I knew they were trying to get rid of me the day Hackett came aboard and told me that I would have to turn myself in and there was nothing he could do even though he believed me."

"So why did you do it?" he asked.

"If I hadn't, humanity would have been at war with the batarians instead of preparing for war against the Reapers. Hackett was able to do more good at that point than I was. He and Anderson just had to keep me alive until they arrived," she said.

"Why does the Alliance want you dead?" he asked. "That's the one part I can't figure out."

"Beyond being an embarrassment to them?" she asked. " _Cairo, Cape Town, Emden, Jakarta, Madrid, Seoul, Shenyang_ , and _Warsaw_ had a combined crew of 2,400 souls. I sentenced them to death in order to save the Council. Hackett was there. He understood. But all the Alliance saw was that I gave the order that killed 2,400 humans to save three aliens. I was no longer Alliance first. I was a Spectre first and that meant I could no longer be trusted. Unfortunately for them, I'd just saved the Citadel. They couldn't discharge me.

"I should have been promoted, Kaidan, and you know it. Instead, I ended up out in the Terminus wearing an exo-suit that had replaced my Spectre gear because it was supposed to be better and yet the seals ruptured the first time it was exposed to a no-pressure environment. That suit should have been stress tested before it was issued. I take care of my equipment. Those seals weren't dry-rotted. They weren't ever meant to be used in space."

"What are you saying, Shepard?" he asked, trying to ignore the halos that signaled the onset of a migraine.

"I'm saying that we were a lone Alliance ship out in the Terminus without backup and we were fighting geth," she said. "I'm saying that it was virtually a guarantee that at some point, I'd have been in an environment without pressure or oxygen. I'm saying that they issued me a faulty suit. Liara has a piece of my old suit. The back piece. The one that ruptured. She had the seals tested at my request. Even with the damage caused by reentry, they were able to determine that the seals on that suit were not rated for a complete loss of atmospheric pressure. If we had gone into a low-pressure environment prior to the attack and one of us had extra seals on us, you might have been able to save me. But I'd be willing to bet that the spares they sent were the exact same ones and it was a moot point anyway because at that point in time, Tali was the only one who carried spare seals into the field. It was just a matter of time. And if that didn't work, they could have just blamed it on a manufacturer error and something else would have happened."

"What are you going to do about it?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said. "They're all dead, Kaidan. I told you so that you would understand why I resent them. Sacrificing those ships to save the Council was the hardest call I've ever had to make. On Virmire, I sacrificed one person to save a team. In the Bahak System, I sacrificed three hundred thousand for trillions. Those were easy, comparatively. Those came down to what Garrus terms 'the ruthless calculus of war'. It isn't supposed to boil down to numbers, but sometimes it really is that simple.

"But 2,400 people for three? That isn't as cut and dry. What if I made the wrong choice? I know that leaving Ash behind was right as terrible as it was. I know that destroying the relay was right no matter how awful it was. I don't know that sacrificing those ships was the right call. I just know that I did what I thought was going to be the best thing in the long run and I died because of it. Because people who weren't there decided for me that it was wrong. Because those same people decided that I'd done it for the wrong reasons. Because the captain of the _Jakarta_ was the Prime Minister's son. You find out all sorts of things when one of your best friends is the Shadow Broker."

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"Would you have believed me?" she countered. When his face fell, she said, "That's what I thought. I'm not blaming you. I just...thought you had the right to know. It affected you, too."

"I don't know whether to be glad they're dead or angry that they're dead and I can't confront them about it myself," he admitted.

"Let it go," she advised. "They're gone. We have bigger things to worry about right now and you need to rest. I didn't bring you up here to get into heavy history."

"Why did you bring me here?" he asked, wondering if he dared to hope.

"To rest," she said. "There isn't anywhere comfortable for you to lie down in the observation lounge and the crew quarters are too loud. You can use my cabin. I also thought I might be able to help."

"You'd do that?" he asked.

"Of course," she said. "Go lie down. Take off your shirt."

"You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that," he teased as he obeyed, "and now I can't even enjoy it because my head's pounding."

"There are still regs," she pointed out, moving to sit beside him and rubbing her hands together. Sparks flew between her palms.

"Screw the regs," he muttered. How much had he given up because there were regulations in place that said he had to? It hadn't been worth it.

"Now you say that," she said.

He laid facedown with his head on her pillow and was enveloped by the scent of her. He noticed a picture frame on the nightstand and she tensed slightly when he reached out and drew it closer. The picture in the frame showed an emerald green drell sitting in what Kaidan was fairly certain was the chair a few feet away from him, but in the picture, it had been moved into position beside the bed as if he'd been watching over her. Something about the drell's eyes looked distant, but his lips were drawn up in the ghost of a smile. He bore the look of someone recalling a happy memory. "Thane?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah," she said, taking the picture from him and tracing a finger over the drell's face. Her voice was wistful when she said, "The Collector ship that attacked Horizon? The Illusive Man sent us into it. He told us it was disabled but, well, that wasn't exactly true. Interestingly enough, it was the same one that attacked the Normandy, but that's neither here nor there. I took some fire from a praetorian while we were getting out. It wasn't life-threatening, but I was down for a couple of days. He took care of me while I was on the mend.

"Drell memories are kind of unique. They have perfect recall and can put themselves into any memory they have. He would vocalize them most of the time, especially once we began to get close. I woke up and he was remembering something about me and smiling. Thane didn't smile often, so it was doubly precious. I managed to get my omni-tool up and get the picture before the moment ended. This and his dossier photo are the only ones I have of him."

"You really loved him," Kaidan said.

"I did," she said. "He was...a light in a very dark place. I miss him."

Kaidan swallowed the pang of envy. This was a pain with which he was all too familiar. He could be jealous of the drell or he could show empathy toward Shepard. He chose the latter. "It helps to remember the good times," he said. "I'm glad he was there for you. I'm glad you weren't alone in all of that." He realized that it was true. He didn't want to think of her coming back and feeling alone and abandoned.

"There's one of you, too, you know," she said, replacing the picture on the nightstand. "I put it away out of respect for him, but I kept it. I used to...I used to bring it out and talk to you. Sometimes I'd yell at you for not trusting me. Other times, I'd ask for advice and try to imagine what you'd say. Sometimes...I'd just tell you I missed you and I wished you were here. I didn't forget you even when I was with Thane. He understood. Hell, he taught me that you can love more than one person without taking anything away from either of them."

Before he could formulate a reply to that, the migraine finally fully sank its talons into his head and he buried his face in her pillow to block out the light. She whispered a command for EDI to dim the lights and he heard the friction of skin on skin as she rubbed her hands together to warm them again. A moment later, her fingers were on his neck, expertly working the tension away. Doing so wouldn't stop his head from pounding, but it did mitigate the aches that came when he tensed due to the pain. She'd done this for him back on the SR-1 even before they'd gotten together and he'd forgotten how soothing it was.

Her thumbs slid up alongside his spine and her fingers gently worked the area around his implant. She tapped lightly to prepare him before sliding his amp out. He'd meant to do it earlier, but had been distracted by her. Removing it deactivated the implant and halted the input into his brain. That didn't stop the migraine, either, but it stopped it from getting worse. Her fingers slid up into his hair as she massaged his scalp and that did help. He sighed and shifted to give her better access when he felt her shift into a more comfortable position.

She rubbed small circles into his temples and then asked softly, "Trust me?" He gave her a thumb's up in reply and she laughed quietly before placing her palm over his implant. He had a moment to wonder what she was doing before the pressure in his head released. "I had some bad headaches while I was recovering from the L5 surgery," she explained in a barely audible voice. "Thane did this for me and I asked him to teach me. I thought it might help you."

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I've created a very thin mass effect field between your implant and your nervous system," she explained. "It won't permanently disrupt anything, but it temporarily relieves the pain. I'm not sure how, exactly, it works, but it does."

"How long can you hold it?" he asked.

"As long as I need to," she said. "It doesn't take much energy. I'll hold it until you're asleep."

She began to skim her fingers through the hair near his forehead with her free hand. She still remembered the fastest way to put him to sleep and when he reached out and wrapped an arm around her waist, she didn't move away. He wanted to pull her down beside him and hold her, but she had a mission to run in a few hours and he didn't want to distract her. This would have to be enough for now. He relaxed and drifted into a painless sleep and when he woke again, she was gone and so was the migraine. 


	18. Chapter 18

"¡Mierda!" James shouted. "That was too close! That damn thing better stay down this time!"

"I don't think it's going to," Tali said beside him in a shaking voice. She wrung her hands together and said in a worried tone, "Keelah. She's going to get herself killed. What was she thinking?"

 _She's thinking you deserve a homeworld, Sparks_ , he thought, but his throat was too tight to get the words out. The Reaper was getting up again and even from this distance, he could see the fear on Shepard's face. It was chased by a grim resolve as she raised the targeting laser again. They'd gotten out of the geth fighter, hoping to do...something that would help her before they'd realized just how ineffective they were. There weren't any of the heretic geth here. There weren't any husks or cannibals or brutes. There was just Shepard and the Reaper towering over her. He'd never felt so helpless or afraid in his life. His heart pounded and his throat was dry and he felt sick to his stomach at the certainty that he was about to watch her die and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. She was going to die and he'd never found the courage to tell her what she meant to him.

The Reaper's firing chamber opened and sinister red energy sparked and crackled as it primed. With the Reaper that close, the red light seemed to engulf her. Forget pink mist. When that thing fired, it was going to immolate her. One second, she would be there. The next, she would just be gone. There wouldn't even be a body to return to the ship. There probably wouldn't even be ashes. They would have to run, carrying only the memory of her with them, and hope that they made it back to the uncertain safety of the fleet.

She shouted something that was covered by the jarring roar of the Reaper and carried away in the wind, but James knew her well enough by now to feel accurate in guessing it was a challenge of some sort. This close to death, fear faded. There was no chance for flight. There was only fight left. She would go down swinging. James was proud of her and terrified at the same time. He felt Tali's hand slide into his and they gripped each other tightly. Even Legion seemed worried. The geth held itself very still and James imagined he heard concern in its voice as it said, "Shepard-Commander's chances of surviving this encounter are now at point zero zero zero two percent. If the Reaper fires, she will be rendered non-functional."

"We know, Legion," Tali said tightly. "Hurry, you bosh'tets. Fire. Please fire. Come on, Shepard."

James figured he was probably going to break Tali's hand, but the little quarian didn't seem to care. She just tightened her grip and leaned forward like she could transfer some last little bit of speed to Shepard. Speed wouldn't help her now, though. Up to this point, Shepard had been rolling out of the way of the laser beam when it fired, taking advantage of the fact that it traveled in a straight line and completed its pass before taking aim again. This close, though, there was no avoiding it. If she ran now, she still couldn't get out of the line of fire. He drank in the sight of her, standing tall and defiant as she painted the Reaper with the targeting laser, determined to get as close as she could before it took her out.

"Lock," Legion suddenly said.

"Run, Lola," James urged even though he knew it wouldn't save her. She had the target locked, but it took time for the volley to travel from the fleet to the ground and it was time he didn't think she had. So, he was stunned when he saw the cannonade tear through the atmosphere and slam into the Reaper. The laser cut through the air over her head as it fell, but to his amazement, Shepard was still standing there. She was alive! He heard Tali shout and then felt her throw her arms around him. In a daze, he returned her hug without taking his eyes off of Shepard. He was still afraid that the Reaper would rise again, but it didn't. "She did it," he whispered and then shouted, "Holy shit! She did it!"

"She killed a Reaper!" Tali shouted. "Shepard killed an actual Reaper!"

"Another one!" James said enthusiastically, spinning around with the quarian in his arms. "Shepard: two! Reapers: zero!"

"Shepard-Commander: four," Legion corrected. "The one you call Sovereign, the one referred to as a proto-Reaper on the Collector base, the Old Machine on Tuchanka, and this one. Technically, however, it would be Shepard-Commander: four; Reapers: one as the Collectors were working for the Old Machines and did, in fact, kill her."

James toned out the geth's rambling. Shepard was alive and the Reaper was down and... "Hey! You have a homeworld now!" he told Tali as he put her down.

"I do," she said, sounding stunned. "Keelah. I have a homeworld. And I'm standing on it!"

"Geth and Creators must still come to an understanding," Legion pointed out. "A cease-fire would be the most beneficial result for all involved."

"You're right. We need to talk to Shepard," Tali said.

She and Legion ran for the commander and James said weakly, "I'll just, ah, guard the ship."

James sank down to the ground with his back to the parked fighter and watched Tali and Legion approach Shepard. The Reaper looked like it was talking to her. The very air around her seemed to vibrate. Whatever it was saying, it pissed her off because she was still shouting at it. How could he not be crazy about her, he wondered, when she stood in front of a machine that had existed for millennia, a machine designed to destroy all life in the galaxy and had almost destroyed her, and challenge it? She radiated confidence and fearlessness and once again, he was in awe of her. He couldn't believe he'd agreed with her when she'd insisted she was just a soldier like the rest of them. Sure, he'd seen her hungry and tired and stressed and uncertain and dirty and bleeding. She was human, there was no doubt about that. That didn't mean she wasn't also something more.

The woman could face down a Reaper and live to tell the tale. She could cure a thousand-year old plague and mend divisions that were centuries in the making. She could make people believe in her when there was no logical reason to do so. She had all of them convinced that they could do this. Every morning, they woke up believing they would somehow live to see another day simply because she herself did. Even when she was down, they had faith that she would pick herself back up and carry on and that they could do it, too. She was carrying the weight of a galaxy on her shoulders and she might stumble, but she sure as hell wasn't going to fall and she wasn't going to let them fall, either.

Over the past nine months or so that he'd known her, he'd watched her grieve, he'd seen her shaken, he'd witnessed her uncertainty, but there was one thing that had carried through all of those situations and that was hope and the everlasting unwillingness to give up. No matter how dark things looked, she never gave in. She resolutely put one foot in front of the other and she pushed through. Her family died. She survived. She died. She came back fighting. Everything she knew turned upside down. She reoriented herself. One lover turned on her. She learned to love again. That lover died. She completed her mission. She was thrown into prison. She made it her own. She was thrown into war. She stepped up and led. And somehow, despite all of the terrible things that had happened to her, she still had hope. She still smiled, even if it was rare. She still uplifted other people's spirits.

The homeless girl who'd once roamed the streets of Earth was now the greatest military commander who'd ever lived. He wondered how many people knew that the galaxy's last hope had almost died in the snow as a child while thousands of people did nothing. If not for a boy who'd stumbled across her and decided to act, they would probably all have been three years dead by now. She'd started with nothing and had fought her way to the top and now the girl the world had forgotten was the woman they were all watching. Every man, woman, and child in the galaxy knew her name now, but he was among the honored few who were able to say that he knew her. This wasn't hero worship. This was the kind of respect that came from seeing someone do the impossible while knowing that she was 'only' human. How could anyone see that and not love her?

On the ledge, Legion fell. The quarians and the geth had stopped firing. He was damn impressed, but not surprised to see that she'd also managed to somehow facilitate that cease-fire Legion had wanted. The geth didn't rise and he saw Shepard kneel beside its prone form. He remembered the worry in its voice when it had calculated Shepard's odds and felt vaguely guilty for being grateful that the only casualty this time was a geth. EDI probably wouldn't see it that way, but he'd come to like Sparks even if her people were crazy and if they had to go back short one person, he'd rather it be Legion than Tali or Shepard or himself. He might have felt differently if he'd had time to get to know it, but as it stood, the ones he called friends were going home today and that was always a good thing and never a guarantee.

They returned to the _Normandy_ triumphant and Shepard instructed Joker to set a course for the Citadel. Their last attempt at shore leave had been cut short by Cerberus and they'd been going non-stop since the war had begun. She was ordering forty hours on the Citadel and James was determined that she wasn't going to work the entire time. He sent her a message asking her to meet him for drinks and she accepted almost immediately. It might take a little bit of liquid courage, but he had gotten another chance to tell her and he wasn't going to let it slip by.

He almost did, though, when he checked his inbox and found the N7 commendation sitting there. He noted the date and his gut clenched. Who the hell had done this and who had thought it important enough to track him down with everything going on? This was the last step he needed to take to become one of the elites like her. He'd dreamed of N7 for years. He'd never had to try to be a good soldier, but he'd worked his ass off to get to N6 and then Fehl Prime had happened and he hadn't felt worthy of the designation. He still wondered if he was good enough. The last time he'd had a command, almost everyone under him had died. What kind of leader did that make him? Okay, maybe it wasn't his fault, but still. If he'd been better, faster, smarter, he might have managed to save them. Messner wouldn't have gotten the jump on him because he'd have listened to his gut when it said the guy was dirty business.

Was he ready to lead again? Was he ready for that kind of responsibility? He didn't know how Shepard did it. How did she lose people and still carry on? How did she not doubt every call she made from there on out? He needed to talk to someone about this, but who? Who could possibly understand? She would, of course, but he didn't know if he was ready to tell her about it. He didn't want to disappoint her. He didn't want to relive it. If he accepted, though, she'd be his trainer by default and that just muddied the waters even more. Rank didn't matter as much now, but if she was his training officer as well as his commanding officer, it might call into question the validity of his training. Would she go easier on him, give him concessions he didn't deserve, if they were together? Nah, he decided. She'd probably ride his ass even harder. Shepard pushed the people she cared about. She didn't coddle them. Maybe it could work. If he accepted it.

"You're going to be late, Mr. Vega," Esteban called out.

"Oh, shit," he said, noting the time. He jogged to the lift and took it up to the crew deck where he took the galaxy's fastest shower and shaved his face. He wanted to look good for her, but all he had were his uniforms and casual civvies and there was no time to hit the shops. It felt frivolous to worry about stuff like that when there were homeless people packed into the holding areas of the docks like sardines in cans anyway. He'd have to settle for casual and hope the lack of a uniform helped her forget for a little while that she was his commanding officer and remember that they were friends. He grabbed his leather jacket and threw it over his shoulder before stuffing a credit chit in his pocket and running off the ship.

He beat her to Purgatory by bare minutes. EDI and Joker walked in with her—well, Joker limped in—and he really hoped she wasn't planning on this being a group thing. He'd wanted to talk to her alone. Thankfully, she split off from them by the door and looked around. He thought about flagging her down, but then realized that he could look at her undetected for once and so he leaned back against the bar with his arms over his chest and drank in the sight of her.

Her hair was loose as usual when she was in civvies and almost brushed her shoulders. She hadn't exactly dressed up, but she'd exchanged her uniform for a pair of tan slacks that hugged her hips and ass and a button-down white shirt and vest that enhanced the flare of her trim waist and the swell of her breasts. The asari dancers shaking their asses in their skimpy outfits had nothing on Commander Shepard just standing in a bar. He could see that she'd even put on a little bit of makeup—not that she needed it—and wondered if she'd dressed up for him or if this was just how she looked when she was off-duty and not in lockup.

She finally caught sight of him and he was gratified to see her smile. Her confident stride carried her over to him and she leaned up against the bar. "Lookin' good, James."

"You, too, Lola," he said, openly eyeing her. "You clean up good. I mean, damn! Smokin' hot!"

"All these asari around and you're looking at me?" she asked, cocking a hip. "I'm torn between feeling impressed and wondering if you hit your head on the last mission."

"I'm always looking at you, Lola," he quipped, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her close. Damn, she smelled good.

"Uh huh," she said doubtfully. "So, your message said you wanted to talk?"

It had said drinks and conversation, but he really did want to talk to her. He released her and turned serious. He still wanted to talk to her about how he felt, but the news he'd gotten earlier trumped that for the moment. He had to decide if he'd rather be _like_ her or be _with_ her if she'd even have him. The former was far more likely than the latter, so he owed it to himself to secure his future in the Alliance before throwing it all out on the table on a long shot.

He took a long sip of his beer and said, "I got an N7 commendation today. It was dated the same day the Reapers hit Earth."

"Okay," she said. "You don't sound too happy about it."

He spun the bottle on the glass top of the bar and said, "I just...I don't know. Last time I had a command, I lost almost everyone and they promoted me for it."

"What went wrong?" she asked seriously.

"What didn't?" he scoffed. "We were out on patrol, checking on some strange readings from this artifact when the Collectors hit the colony. We didn't realize at the time that the artifact had drawn them. By the time we got back, most of the colonists had been subdued or abducted, including Captain Toni and most of my team."

"So, you were in charge," she guessed.

"Yeah," he said, trying to shake off the dread at what had already happened and couldn't be changed. "We tried a couple of things, but they didn't work and then we learned that one of the colonists supposedly helping us was a Cerberus spy. It was right there in front of me the whole time and I missed it. We infiltrated the Collector ship, but the colonist betrayed us. Turns out, he was also working with the Collectors. He took Treeya and I sent one of my guys to get the colonists while the rest of us went after her and Messner.

"By the time we'd gotten to them, the Collectors had her in one of those stasis pods. They ejected her from the ship. I couldn't stop them. I was going to get the intel we had on the Collectors and get the colonists out, but the pilot I'd sent to rescue them was killed and I couldn't do both. I had to make a choice. Treeya had the intel. She was about to hit atmo. The pod would have been destroyed. I...left the colonists and the rest of my team on the Collector ship and went after her. The ship and the colony were destroyed. They all died."

"And you think I could have done better?" she asked. "Hell, no. Remember what I said about making the best call you can with the information you have at the time? That's what you did, James. I'd have done the same thing."

"Really?" he asked, hardly daring to hope. Was she just saying that to make him feel better or did she mean it?

"You did everything you could, James," she said. "And if my mission had failed, which it almost did, that intel would have been the only hope for humanity. They were going to hit Earth. You would have stopped them. Making calls like that is never easy, but it's part of the job and the reason they promoted you was because they recognized that you have what it takes to make the hard calls. You can't blame yourself for being put in a tough situation. If you'd saved them all, would the situation have worked out any better?"

"I...don't know," he said. "I don't think so."

"The right choice is usually not the easy one," she said.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Did you know that?"

"Yep. It's why I was asked. It's why they asked you," she said. "There is not a single N7 that hasn't sacrificed either themselves or their soldiers at some point."

"So, you think I should accept?" he asked.

"I wouldn't have recommended you if I didn't," she said. "You're a damn good soldier, James."

"Wait," he said. "You recommended me? When?"

"While you were in the hospital," she said. "You figured it out. You're smart. You held it together. I asked Anderson why the hell you weren't an N7 already. He said your name hadn't been put forward yet. So, I did it. The recommendation just wasn't official until I was reinstated. It's up to you whether you accept or not. There's no pressure here and I'm not going to think less of you if you turn it down. I just thought you'd earned the opportunity."

"You gonna train me, too, Lola?" he asked with a grin.

"I already have been," she replied with a broad smile. "But, if you do accept, the real work is going to begin. Be sure you're ready because I won't go easy on you."

"I'll be ready," he promised.

She motioned to the bartender for a drink. She accepted the one he slid over to her and passed another to him. Straight to tequila, he noted, with real lime. She was going all out tonight. "You ever done a Tequila Suicide, James?" she asked, all seriousness lost as she tapped salt into the dip between tendons created by her flexed thumb.

"Never heard of that one, Lola," he said.

"Really?" she asked, sounding surprised. "You aren't a man until you've done a Tequila Suicide."

"What is it?" he asked.

"You snort the salt, take the shot, and squeeze the lime in your eye," she said.

"You're shitting me, right, Lola?" he laughed. "You just made that up."

She raised a brow and, rather than licking the salt from her hand, she lifted it to her nose and snorted. His mouth fell open and he watched as she slammed the shot and, true to her word, squeezed the damn lime right in her eye. He knew she'd done it, too, because her eye immediately watered up. She twitched her nose and rolled her shoulders as she slammed the glass down on the bar. "No shit, James," she said and began pouring salt onto the bar in a line. She had to stand on her toes to reach across and take a straw from the holder. When she snapped it in half and handed it to him, he looked at her incredulously.

"You're serious," he said.

"I'm always serious, James," she replied. "So, are you going to do it or not?"

"You're loca," he told her, but took the straw. She'd done it. He couldn't back down now or she'd think he was a puss. He took a few deep breaths and bounced on the balls of his feet to prepare himself before thinking, _Fuck it_ , and bending over. The salt burned like a motherfucker but it was nothing compared to the lime. Why the hell did people do this? Who would voluntarily set their face on fire? She was nuts!

When his eyes finally stopped watering enough for him to see, she was leaning an elbow on the bar and trying to hide a smirk. "You were fucking with me," he accused. "That's not a real thing."

She lost the battle with herself and laughed. "Don't feel bad, James," she said. "They got me with that one, too. Welcome to the N7 program."

"I think I'm gonna need another drink," he said. He felt slightly dizzy. He was going to be an N7. Shepard believed in him. She'd assuaged his guilt over Fehl Prime. The galaxy was going to hell and yet for the first time, it seemed like everything was going right for him.

Shepard signaled for another round and they took this one down the normal way. A third followed and then a fourth. When their glasses hit the bar the final time, he hooked her around the elbow and dragged her over to the dance floor. She didn't resist, but laughed and said, "You've clearly never seen me dance."

"I've seen you fight and I've seen you play," he said. "I know you've got rhythm, Lola."

"Rhythm, sure. Technique, no," she said with a grin.

"Well, lucky for you, I've got technique and rhythm. Let me show you how it's done, Commander," he said, and feeling bold, grabbed her hips. She stumbled into him and planted her hands on his chest.

She wasn't lying. She really didn't know how to dance, he realized. That was okay, though. He'd teach her and, besides, he had her in his arms. He didn't care about anything else. The music throbbed around them in time to the pounding of his heart and the press of the crowd forced them closer together. Her skin was warm beneath the starched fabric of her shirt and he could feel the sway of her hips beneath his hands. She was so small, he thought. He'd never realized just how small she was. His hands could almost encircle her waist and they completely covered her hipbones. Her head didn't reach his shoulder and her hands couldn't wrap entirely around even the smallest point of his wrists. But she was still solid, still strong and vibrant and alive.

She slid her arms around him, pressing her chest against his and he looked at her as the music slowed. She rose onto tiptoe and tucked her face under his jaw. He felt her breath warm on his skin and he was sure she could feel his pulse pounding in his throat. He drew his hands up her back, feeling the play of lean muscle along her spine and the way she sighed into him. "You're so warm," she murmured into him.

   Without thinking, he turned his head and she tilted hers up to meet him. Her lips brushed over the corner of his mouth and his breath evaporated in his lungs. He held himself very still, remembering what had happened the last time he'd kissed her, and felt her hand slide up the back of his neck. Her fingers slipped into the hair of his mohawk and tugged lightly. It was a request, not an order, and she was initiating. He groaned and closed that final sliver of distance between them, pressing his lips to hers. She tilted her head back and her lips parted as he kissed her with their bodies still swaying with the music. She tasted like mint and tequila and desire and his arms tightened around her, careful not to crush her.

He almost didn't hear her over the music when she whispered his name against his lips, but he caught it and it lit his blood on fire. He turned smoothly, backing her up against the wall, and planted a hand above her head as his arm banded around her waist, pulling her hips flush with his. Their teeth clashed together, but they didn't pull away. Her tongue stroked against his and her hips rolled. Her nails bit into the back of his neck and he nipped lightly at her lower lip and was rewarded with a low moan. She brought her thigh up to clasp his hip and he thought his head was going to explode.

Time lost all meaning to him and he forgot their surroundings. He forgot the people around them. He forgot that she was the commander and he was her lieutenant. He forgot that she'd buried one lover and lived on a ship with another. None of that mattered. All that mattered to him was the heat of her in his arms, the softness of her mouth against his lips, the lithe stroke of her tongue and the swell of her ass in his hand. A distant part of him registered that it was entirely inappropriate for him to be groping his commanding officer in public, but another, more vocal part of him asked who the fuck was left to care. This was shore leave. They were just Lola and James here and her hair was silky against his fingers and there was an ache in his groin and fireworks in his chest and, damn it, he loved her and he wasn't letting her go.

She seemed as lost as he was. Her hands gripped his shoulders and her mouth was hot and demanding. It was heady, having the full force of her singularly intense focus turned exclusively on him. Alcohol and lust swirled in his veins and he had just enough presence of mind not to take her right here on the dance floor. He briefly entertained the idea of finding a vacant bathroom or empty hallway, but he wanted more than that. He wanted their first time together to be in a real bed, truly alone, just the two of them. She deserved better than a quick fuck against a bathroom stall. If they'd been in an established relationship, sure, that might be fun, but not for their first time together.

"Ship or hotel?" he asked, breaking away from her.

She looked up at him with heavy-lidded eyes and flushed cheeks. Her lips were bright and full, almost bruised from the force of their kisses. Her brow furrowed and she looked past him as if realizing where they were for the first time. She shook her head and moved her hands to his chest. "James...I can't," she said and disappointment welled inside of him. "I'm so confused," she whispered.

"Because of Thane?" he asked, trying to pitch his voice over the pounding music without yelling at her.

"Because of Thane. Because of Kaidan. Because of you," she said. "I need to figure some things out. I need some time."

"We don't _have_ time, Lola," he said, suddenly desperate. He'd just gotten her and he was going to lose her again. "That's the one thing we don't have."

"Then we'll _make_ time," she said stubbornly and grabbed him by the hand. He followed her out of the club into the foyer that led to the VIP section and she drew him into a dark, quiet corner. "We'll make time," she said again, looking up at him intently. "I won't deny that I feel something for you, James, but it's all wrapped up in a whole lot of other things and I can't just commit to you without figuring out what it means for all the rest. We're at war and the odds of me surviving this and coming out on the other side are laughable."

"The odds are slim for all of us," he said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "But if we stop living now, haven't we already lost?"

She reached up and cupped his jaw in her hand. "Just...be patient, okay? Let me figure this out."

If he pushed now, she'd slip through his fingertips and he knew it, so he nodded and let her go. He consoled himself that his name was at least on the board now. The major might be a part of this, but James was at least in the competition. And in the end, it wasn't about either one of them. It was about Lola. He cared about her and that meant he wanted her to be happy even if it wasn't with him. But if it was...damned if he wouldn't do everything in his power to ensure that they both had a chance for after.

 

oOoOoOo

 

Shepard retreated to Thane's quarters and sat on his cot with her knees drawn up, a bottle of whiskey on the deck beside her, and his mug dangling from her fingertips. Things had been so much simpler when it had been just him and her and almost certain death for all of them. She hadn't liked the Illusive Man, but she'd appreciated him. She'd known exactly where she stood and what to expect from him. He'd been off his rocker, but he'd been excellent at what he'd done. He had told her what he wanted, given her the resources to do it, and let her go. Sure, he'd sent them into a trap and would have done it again, but she'd expected no less from him.

She'd actually liked working for Cerberus, as surprising as that was. There had been no need for diplomacy. There had been no regulations to follow or chain of command beyond getting the job done. Anything he'd asked her to do beyond the mission had been a request and if she hadn't done it, he'd gotten someone else. Now, she had the remnants of the Alliance and the Council looking to her for answers. She didn't know what the next day held or the one after that. She felt lost and she didn't know where to turn. She was supposed to know the solutions to all of the questions and, as Garrus said, they all had a million lives riding on the answers. How was she supposed to do that when she didn't even have a handle on her absolutely insignificant personal life? There were so many things on her shoulders that were so much more important than this, but those things were easy in comparison and wasn't that screwed up?

With Cerberus, being with Thane had been easy. She'd been in charge of the mission, but he hadn't truly been her subordinate. There had been no question of whether or not she was taking advantage of him. There had been no discord between loving Thane and loving Kaidan. Now, Vega had thrown himself into the mix and she'd jumped in without thinking. Losing Thane had hurt and she hadn't even known him that long. Losing either Kaidan or Vega now would likely destroy her and it would only be worse if she opened herself to them. The suicide mission was supposed to be an all-or-nothing deal and it hadn't. This war wasn't so simple. Any of them could die at any point. Losing her had almost destroyed Kaidan even when they hadn't known each other that long. Could she risk putting him through that again? Vega had lost so much already. Could she risk being one more person he loved who died?

"I miss you, Thane," she said to the empty room and lifted the bottle to her lips. They were on shore leave. The ship was empty. She could justify getting wasted if she wanted. "What do I do? If I knew you were waiting for me wherever you are, maybe...but you aren't. You're gone and I'm still here."

There was no answer, of course. She leaned her head back against the bulkhead and contemplated going up to her cabin and taking out her violin, but her head was swimming pleasantly and she was comfortable here. She'd liked kissing Vega. She'd really, really liked kissing Vega. He was good at it. He got into it with his whole body and he was so warm and she'd felt safe in his arms. She'd also liked having Kaidan in her bed again even if they'd only talked while she helped him through a migraine. She'd liked feeling his skin under her hands and his hair between her fingers. She'd missed him, too, and it had felt right having him there.

Vega was smart and caring and funny and surprisingly insightful. He had depths to him that she never would have anticipated just looking at him. He was a gorgeous physical specimen, sure, but there was far more to him than brawn and flirtatiousness. He was cute and awkward and reminded her a bit of Garrus a few years ago, but Garrus was more like a brother and what she felt toward Vega was absolutely not sisterly. He was earnest and eager and he shined with potential that she wanted to see brought to life. He had just enough doubt in himself to make him careful and keep him alert but enough sheer guts to keep him going. They had so much in common and they understood each other in a way that was easy and natural.

Kaidan was nerdy and cute and perceptive. He looked at the world through rose-colored shooting glasses. He could be cynical and distrustful, but he never stopped hoping. After everything he'd been through, he somehow still counted himself fortunate. He had been in so many terrible situations, seen so much suffering, and yet he still thought of himself as lucky because it could have been so much worse. He never complained. He never allowed himself to be a burden to anyone. He was a survivor. He hoped and he persevered and he worried about doing the right thing for the right reasons. He was a fucking beautiful person.

"How the hell am I supposed to choose between two men such as that?" she asked the overhead. "They're both far too good for me. I don't deserve either one of them, but for some reason, they both want me. So how do I choose, Thane? Or should I go the easy route, the safe route, the fair route, and choose neither?"

"Shepard, may I ask a question about human behavior?" EDI asked. "I believe it is relevant."

"Sure," Shepard sighed. "Why not? 'Course, it's pretty obvious right now I don't have all the answers."

EDI said, "I have been observing and believe that you are in the midst of what humans term a 'love triangle.' My research shows that this is an issue that has plagued humanity for centuries, but I do not understand why, especially in light of conversations that you and Thane have had in the past."

"What are you talking about, EDI?" she asked tiredly. "State your question plainly. I'm too drunk for this."

"Why do humans assume that pairbonds must be formed between only two people?" EDI asked.

"Because," Shepard said. "Because...they just are. Marriages happen between two. Parenting is generally done by two. The whole relationship thing is set up for two."

"But that is not always the case," EDI pointed out. "There have been cultures throughout humanity's history in which this was not the norm. Many of the other species have differing relationship formulations as well. Binary relationships for the purpose of reproduction may involve romantic relationships and generally require two partners with a third being superfluous, but the two dynamics are not always related. I do not believe your intention is reproduction, but rather, love. You admitted that you were in love with both Thane and Major Alenko while Thane was in love with both you and his wife. Therefore, why would you feel it necessary to make a choice between what I presume to be Major Alenko and Lieutenant Vega given your biometric readings."

"What are you saying, EDI?" she asked.

"I am saying that it is not unheard of that a romantic relationship could form between more than two people," EDI said. "Turian society is made up of more males than females. They typically form triads most commonly among two males and a single female. Krogan relationships generally consist of one fertile male and multiple fertile females. Asari may have several relationships spanning the lifetimes of their partners during their maidenhood. Humans and quarians are among the only species for whom monogamy is the norm and that was not always the case with either. Quarian dyads are by necessity to reduce risk. Human dyads are largely a social construct; however, humans are rarely truly monogamous even in committed relationships. Even within marriages, human infidelity is common. Are humans monogamous by nature or by choice? And if it is a choice, then why is the differing choice an unacceptable one?"

"So...are you saying I should go for both of them?" Shepard asked slowly. The idea certainly had merit. She cared about both of them. She knew she could love more than one person without taking away from either. Love was infinite. Time, however, was not and was something they were already short on. "How would that even work?"

"I can forward information to your terminal on what humans typically term polyamorous relationship dynamics," EDI offered.

"Do it," she said. She might regret it in the morning, but there was no harm in thinking about it, was there? Of course, they would have to agree and she didn't know if that would happen. They were both stubborn and somewhat old-fashioned in their views on things. She wondered how that conversation would even go. 


	19. Chapter 19

"Shepard call you?" James asked as he and Kaidan stepped into the lift.

"She did. You?" Kaidan asked.

James nodded. "Yeah. Any idea what's going on?"

"Not a clue," Kaidan answered.

James wondered if Kaidan felt as nervous as he did. Shepard's request to speak to him hadn't been an order and he'd thought she'd finally worked out whatever it was between them, but now he wasn't so sure given Kaidan's presence. Or maybe she'd decided to tell both of them to fuck off and leave her alone. Maybe she was simply going to refuse to make a choice at all. Or maybe it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with something else.

Shepard was waiting as they entered. Kaidan was clearly the more comfortable of the two of them when it came to being in her cabin. He strode in like he knew he was welcome and knew his way around and James' heart sank. Shepard gestured for them to sit and he noticed that she was wearing civvies rather than fatigues. This was definitely a personal conversation. He perched on the edge of her couch while Kaidan sank down on the other side with an arm across the back like he owned the space. Shepard paced without speaking and the two men watched her.

Finally, Kaidan said, "What's on your mind, Shepard?"

She stopped and faced them and James was shocked at the uncertainty on her face. He'd seen her in a lot of states, but this one was new. She looked downright nervous and he half expected her to begin biting her nails. This wasn't the confident Shepard he knew. She was more anxious than he was. For some reason, that made him feel calm, like he had to tone his energy down to help bring hers back into equilibrium. "Hey, Lola. Whatever it is, it's okay," he said, looking between himself and the major. "You can talk to us, you know."

"Have either of you ever heard the term polyamory?" she blurted out. "Or, more specifically, polyfidelity?"

James slowly shook his head as Kaidan said, "I don't think that's a real word, Shepard. Poly- and -amory are from two different languages. It would translate into something like...oh."

"Oh?" James asked. "Somebody care to enlighten me here?"

"Poly: Greek for many," Kaidan said. "Amor: Latin for love. Together, many loves?"

"Right," Shepard said.

"So...like polygamy?" James asked, still feeling entirely confused.

"Polygamy has religious connotations and is more commonly used in place of polygyny to refer to pairings of one man and multiple women. Polyamory is more of a catch-all term for non-binary relationships that go beyond just the physical," Shepard explained. She began to pace again. "It started to gain a mild popularity a few centuries ago when the divorce rate started to skyrocket and affairs became either more common or more noticeable as the internet began to bring people into contact that wouldn't have otherwise reached each other. It's never become particularly widespread, but it's estimated that at least a quarter of the population now participates in some form of ethical non-monogamy. There are even groups that are pushing to have the laws limiting marriage to two people expanded to more than two. Those groups have been around for a while, but they're making real headway, especially given that we now have working examples of it in other cultures."

"I'm thinking you didn't bring us up here for sensitivity training," Kaidan said, glancing at James. "This is somehow supposed to apply to us? What are you getting at, Shepard?"

She stopped pacing and turned to face them directly. "Both of you have expressed interest in being with me. I'm interested in being with both of you. I've been wracking my brain trying to choose between you and EDI pointed out that I don't necessarily have to choose."

James leaned back into the couch, feeling stunned. She wanted to...what? Date? Sleep with? Both of them? Him and the major? Did she expect them to...be...with each other, too? "Like a threesome?" he asked.

"Sort of," she said. "But complete with a relationship and all that goes with it, not just one night of sex."

"No way, Lola!" he exclaimed, leaning forward and tapping his foot in agitation. He looked at Kaidan, who actually looked thoughtful, and wished the other man wasn't there. He decided to ignore him and said, "I don't just want part of you. I don't want to share you. You aren't some bone to be fought over by a pair of varren and divided up for fairness. I want something real, not some half-assed attempt to have your cake and eat it, too."

Shepard looked like he'd slapped her. Before she could respond, Kaidan said, "Now, hold on a minute, Vega. I don't think that's what she's proposing at all. Shepard doesn't do things by half-measures. You should know that by now."

"Thank you," Shepard said quietly, looking slightly mollified. She moved to the coffee table and took a seat on it in front of him. He thought about pulling away when she took his hands, but he couldn't resist the opportunity to touch her. This might be the last chance he got. "James, you're right. I'm not a bone to be divided or fought over. If you were to agree to this, you'd both get me. All of me. It would be a real relationship, just with three instead of two."

"I don't know, Lola," he said uncertainly. "How does that even work?"

"However we want it to work," she said. "Turians do this all the time. I talked to Garrus about it. He had two fathers. I never even knew because, to him, they're both just 'Dad.' He doesn't talk about it because he didn't think we'd understand, but when I started asking questions, he answered them. It works."

"For them," James pointed out. "If that's their culture, great, but it's not ours, Lola."

"Who cares, James?" she exclaimed, releasing his hands. "Look, if you don't want to do it, that's fine. I accept that. But if your only objection is that it isn't textbook, you're on the wrong ship. When do we ever do things by the book? The book doesn't always work and when it doesn't, we throw it out the airlock and write a new one and it works for us. On the ground, the three of us are a team. We're working toward a common goal and we're in perfect harmony and we kill Reapers. And then we get back on the ship and I know you two are friends, but you act like you're in some kind of competition the minute I walk through a door and all cohesiveness is utterly lost."

"So, you think the solution to that is to get with both of us and make the competition even worse?" James asked incredulously.

He'd expected Kaidan to back him up on this, but Kaidan said slowly, "It does make a certain kind of sense. If we're both secure in where we stand, there's no need for rivalry."

"Are you so afraid that you'll end up losing her altogether that you're willing to share just to keep that from happening?" James snapped.

"No," Kaidan said calmly. "I'm just willing to consider something outside of the norm if it makes her happy because I'm tired of seeing her feel guilty when I catch her looking at you. As it stands, she cares about both of us. Do you really think that would change if she got with one of us over the other? She still loves Thane and he's dead. She kept loving me even when she was with him. Once Shepard cares about someone, she doesn't stop. So, we can either insist that she choose and then live with the knowledge that she still has feelings for the other and worry that she'll eventually decide she made the wrong choice or we can both reap the benefits and make her happy. Either way, the only thing that changes for us is whether one of us gets to be with her and one doesn't."

"You don't have to decide anything now, James," Shepard said. "I just wanted to present the idea."

James rubbed the back of his fist against his forehead as he considered her proposal. Kaidan's calm acceptance of the idea made him feel like the strange one for being opposed. It wasn't that he didn't like Kaidan and it wasn't that he wanted to take her away from him. He'd just never thought of a relationship in those terms before and the automatic reaction was rejection. They both seemed so confident that they could do it.

"How would that even work?" he asked again. "You may say however we want it to, but you can't guarantee one of us won't get left out or that you won't come to care about one more than the other. And what happens when you end up picking one of us after all and we get kicked out?"

"You think that would happen?" Kaidan asked. "You talk like you think love is a finite resource or a zero-sum game, but it isn't. Shepard's heart's big enough for everyone on this ship if she chose to let us all in. I'm honestly surprised that she wasn't with Thane _and_ Garrus, now that I think about it."

"Garrus is too much like a brother to me," Shepard said. "To answer your question, James, this isn't something with a set end point where I'm just delaying the inevitable. If one or all relationships naturally fizzle out, that's one thing, but if we did this, it would be approached from the standpoint of a relationship between three, just like it would be between two. Time management could be a bit of an issue, but we're all so busy that we have to schedule downtime together already. As long as we're all willing to communicate, we can make this work."

"So...do you...does that mean..." James began, unsure about how to phrase the question on his mind. Shepard raised a brow and he gestured between himself and Kaidan. "What about us?"

"If either of you want to find someone else, that's acceptable," she said. "I would just ask that we discuss it first."

"No," he said. He couldn't imagine wanting another woman when he had her. "I mean, do you expect us to, uh, you know...get together, too?"

"Oh," she said, looking surprised. "That would be entirely up to the two of you."

"I wouldn't be opposed," Kaidan said casually, looking at his fingernails.

James gaped at both of them. He and Esteban had messed around a time or two in the past and he was pretty sure everyone on the ship at least suspected it, but he hadn't had a clue that Alenko was into guys, too. He'd never even considered him that way because he'd been under the impression that he was as straight as they came. This was a day for revelations. The major's acceptance made a lot more sense now. When Shepard had called them a team, Alenko had taken that all the way. He wasn't worried about jealousy because he was hoping that they'd all three come together.

He eyed the major thoughtfully. Kaidan was an attractive guy. He was honorable and good and caring and James thought that if Shepard hadn't been in the mix, they'd have at least been better friends than they were now. And if he'd known Kaidan was an option, James might have been thinking along these lines before now. Alenko had probably figured it out a lot faster than he had and might have even considered it before Shepard had brought it up. He might not have known what it was called, but that didn't mean he hadn't been familiar with the concept. He just didn't want to push James and risk making him uncomfortable since there hadn't been anything between them but a hesitant friendship before now. Shepard and Alenko. The first human Spectres and...him?

"Why me?" he asked suddenly.

"You really have to ask that?" Shepard asked.

"You two are...and I'm...you know," he said.

"No," Kaidan said. "I don't think we do. You think you're not good enough?"

"I don't know," he said. "What about the regs? You two are technically my commanding officers."

"Do you feel like you can't say no, James? Do you think either of us would try to harm your career or use our rank against you?" Shepard asked. She looked genuinely concerned.

"Of course not," he assured her. "You're both way too honorable for that and I'm man enough to say no to something I don't want."

"Then fuck the regs," she said. "It's the end of the world, James. Who cares? The Council certainly doesn't as long as we aren't coercing you. Do you think Hackett or Anderson really give two shits about what we do on our downtime anymore if they ever did? And do you really honestly think the Alliance is going to reprimand us?" She was grinning now. "Kaidan and I could walk away today and they know it. If we aren't Alliance, it isn't fraternizing. Problem solved. They know that and they wouldn't risk it. They need us too much."

"Didn't really expect that attitude from you, Lola," he said.

"Why not?" she asked. "I am done with the Alliance telling me what I can and can't do. They lost that right a long time ago."

"Got a taste of freedom under Cerberus and now you're going renegade on us, Shepard?" Kaidan teased. When she looked at him sharply, he held up his hands. "I'm kidding."

"So now what?" James asked.

"Does that mean you're in?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm in," he said. "This is loco and I might end up regretting it, but I'm in."

"Kaidan?" she asked.

"You have to ask?" he replied.

"You know I do," she said.

"I'm in," he said, reaching out and tugging her into his lap. "All the way."

"Okay," she said, sounding relieved. "That was easier than I thought it would be. So...we've still got twenty more hours of shore leave and I'm starving. Why don't we go get some real food?"

"You asking us on a date, Lola?" James asked.

"I am," she said.

"I want tacos," he said.

"Of course you do," she laughed.

Holy shit. He was dating Commander Shepard and Kaidan Alenko.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

They talked more over dinner, ironing out their expectations of each other and reassuring each other that they could make this arrangement work, before taking a walk around the Presidium. Shepard smiled up at Vega when he took her hand in his and then at Kaidan when she felt his slide into her other one. They were so different, these two men that were now hers, but they were a lot alike, too. Vega was Kaidan without the tempering. He was her with slightly less baggage. They just fit. She was almost giddy with relief that things had worked out. She'd half expected both of them to walk out and tell her to jump out of the airlock. Kaidan had been the first to surprise her, but James had done a good job of it, too.

She heard music coming from one of the buildings and Kaidan tugged on her hand, drawing them over. She and Vega followed him into the piano bar and she nodded when he raised a brow in question. The three of them took seats in a corner booth and the cocktail waitress brought them a round of drinks. Shepard had opted for a martini and she sipped it as she watched Kaidan listen to the music. Piano was to him what violin was to her. They'd even played together once back when they'd been on the SR-1 and he'd come across a holo piano in a shop here on the Citadel. She'd borrowed a violin from the shopkeeper and they'd shared the songs they knew. Her taste in music was old, but his was downright classical. Neither of them liked modern music which they felt was just throbbing sound set to a vague, frantic rhythm, noise that filled space rather than anything with actual artistry.

James put his arm around her and she leaned into him, sensing that he needed more reassurance than Kaidan. No one was paying attention to them and she didn't particularly care if they did. She was tired of worrying about what anyone else thought of her. If what she was doing in her professional life wasn't good enough for them, they could stuff it. She'd finally found something that made her happy and she was going to enjoy it to the fullest while she still could.

Throughout it all, James had been there for her even when she hadn't known him. Cortez had told her about the 'Remember Normandy' patch James had worn on his armor after her ship had gone down. He'd told her how James had gotten teased for constantly asking what she would do and trying to emulate it, how he'd vehemently defended her even when they'd heard rumors that she was back and working for Cerberus, how he'd never once doubted that she had a good reason for doing so.

Since she'd met him, he'd been a friend to her through what was undoubtedly the worst time of her life, worse even than coming back from the dead to find that everything she'd known had changed. Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Wrex were family to her and had backed her from the start, but James was probably the best friend she'd ever had. He'd seen her at her lowest and hadn't flinched away. He'd taken her grief and anger and pain and had accepted it and let her know she wasn't alone. He'd never asked anything of her but that she be there for him. She'd never had to prove her loyalty to him or do anything to earn his.

She loved them. Both of them. She'd known that about Kaidan for a long time, but she was only now realizing just how much she truly loved James. This wasn't a crush and it wasn't a product of their situation. She loved him and she was so glad that they had agreed to try this for her. It had taken courage and selflessness and trust on both of their parts to even consider it and she vowed to do everything in her power to ensure that they never regretted it. She couldn't foresee what this war would bring and she couldn't guarantee them a future, but she would make the present everything it could be.

She and Kaidan been through so much and yet here they were, together. She thought that maybe this was how it had to be. Maybe they'd both simply been too young and at different places in their lives. Maybe the breach between them had been sealed while they weren't looking. Maybe they'd always been meant to be but had needed all of that strife and loneliness and time apart to grow together. 

She had loved Thane with a clarity and simplicity that few would ever find and she would always love him, but he'd never been hers to keep and she'd known it. A few stolen months were all they'd had and she wouldn't trade those months for the world, but Thane's presence in her life had had a purpose. He'd taught her about herself. He'd taught her about redemption. He'd taught her about love and how to love more than one. He had been prepared her for this, she realized. He had known he wasn't meant to be a permanent figure in her life and had done his best to ensure that she was ready for life after him. She would always love him for that. This, though, was where she was meant to be.

James cocked his head when her arm tightened around him. "Whatcha sad about, Lola?"

"Nothing at all," she said, smiling up at them. "This is perfect."

"I don't know that I'd call it perfect just yet," Kaidan said thoughtfully. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, "I think perfect would be you, me, and James naked in your bed."

"Agreed," she said and stood. "So, let's make it happen. James, you coming?"

"Dios, I hope so," he said and threw his arm around her shoulders.

"You really are something," she said, shaking her head.

They made it back to the _Normandy_ without any legitimate claims of impropriety. If she allowed herself to fall back to admire Kaidan's ass for a few steps, that didn't truly count as public indecency, she rationalized. And if James' hand slid down to grope her ass in the elevator to the docks or if she then pushed him back against the wall of the lift and pulled his head down to meet hers while Kaidan's arms slid around their waists and his teeth grazed over the side of her neck, well, there were no cameras in the elevator to prove it. If James leaned in and hesitantly kissed Kaidan in the airlock, there was no one else but EDI to see. And if Kaidan pushed her up against the wall of the lift and pinned her hands above her head on the way up to her cabin while he kissed her and James reached around and began to unbutton her shirt, that counted as close enough to home.

Now that the decision had been made, she was gratified to see that the competitiveness between them had morphed into something akin to what they shared out in the field, only this time, their shared target was her. They were still unsure with each other, careful not to cross any boundaries, and more confident of their welcome with her, so they used her as a buffer. Judging by the way their hands would remain together when they brushed against each other and the way their mouths lingered when they kissed over her shoulder, though, she suspected that would fade soon enough.

When she and Kaidan had been together before, he'd still been uncertain and she'd gladly taken the lead. He'd grown since then and had come into his own without her, though, and now she found that the tables had turned and he was the one in control. She'd carried the burden of command for long enough that it was a relief to set it down for a while, so she gladly accepted the change. James was still figuring out his role in all of this, so he largely followed their lead, but he was confident enough in his own desirability and cocky enough about his own skills that she imagined he would soon prove to be as assertive in his own way as Kaidan. She was going to have her hands full with these two, but she trusted them to know where the line was between their professional and personal boundaries and that neither of them would see her surrender in the bedroom as a sign of weakness out of it and take advantage.

Shepard reclined against Kaidan, who was propped up on pillows against the headboard. Her back was against his chest and his legs bracketed her, holding her in place. Her head rested against his shoulder and his hands drifted lightly up and down her torso, crackling blue with his biotics. James knelt between her legs, kissing her deeply as she explored the breadth of his chest and felt the same eager longing she'd experienced in the club the day before. "Te deseo, Lola," he murmured against her lips. "Eres tan hermosa. Quiero besar todas las partes de tu cuerpo."

His mouth left hers and glided down her throat and over her collarbone. Kaidan's hands brushed the sides of her breasts before cupping them and lifting one as if offering it to James. The lieutenant's eyes flashed up to the major and whatever he saw there must have been reassuring, because he eagerly claimed her nipple with his mouth. His teeth scraped lightly over it as Kaidan tweaked the other between his fingers. Shepard gasped and arched up into them, gripping James' shoulder and Kaidan's thigh.

"I think she likes that, Vega," Kaidan said smugly as her movement dragged her ass over his erection.

"If she likes that..." James said and placed hot, open-mouth kisses down her belly. Kaidan replaced James' mouth on her breast with his glowing hand and dragged his tongue up the side of her throat and nipped her jaw.

"Oh, fuck," she groaned, turning her head to accept Kaidan's languorous kiss as James' stubble rasped against her smooth thighs. A thick finger dragged through her folds and James circled her clit before gliding back down and sliding it into her. She cried out as James' tongue darted out and licked her center. A second finger joined the first and pumped slowly in and out as he licked around her clit. She moaned and arched her back, seeking more contact. He put his free hand on her stomach, pressing her down into Kaidan, who brought a hand up to grasp a fistful of hair.

"Oh, fuck," Shepard groaned again, the words disappearing in Kaidan's mouth. "Please," she whispered against his lips. His tongue stroked against hers and he tugged her hair, forcing her head back further to give him better access. James licked her more firmly and his fingers sped their pace inside of her. The ache between her thighs expanded and exploded through her. She jerked against James' mouth and Kaidan's body. He drank in her cries, kissing her deeper.

She collapsed against him, gasping for breath and he tucked her hair behind her ear and nuzzled her forehead with his. Waves of pleasure rolled through her and when James rose to his knees and grinned, his mouth wet with her arousal, she forced herself into a sitting position and pressed her lips to his. They curled into a smile before opening and letting her taste herself on him. His hands clasped her hips and drew her against him, pressing his erection against her belly. Behind them, Kaidan cleared his throat. Shepard turned her head and found him watching them with heavy-lidded eyes as he slowly stroked his erection.

"Yes, dear. Your turn," she smirked, and crawled over him. He smiled and she kissed him before lowering her head and licking the slit the way she remembered that he liked. He drew in a hissing breath and grabbed a handful of her hair, holding it back from her face so he could watch her mouth close around him. She took the base in her fist and sank down to meet it, stroking him with her tongue. She was rewarded with a moan from Kaidan as he thrust up into her mouth and began to guide her head with the fist in her hair.

From the corner of her eye, she saw James move where he could see them and her initial concern over whether he was all right with this or not was allayed when she saw his hand move to himself. Kaidan looked up at it and licked his lips. James shifted forward, supporting himself with a hand against the shelf above her bed. His expression was hesitant but wanting and Kaidan leaned sideways and took James into his mouth. James bit out a curse and Shepard watched as Kaidan sucked James while she sucked Kaidan. Fuck, that was hot. James threw his head back and placed a hand on Kaidan's head, steadying without guiding, and Kaidan's hips hitched as she moaned around him at the sight.

James glanced over and tapped Kaidan's head and when the golden-eyed man looked up at him, he said, "Lola's getting lonely." He slid out of Kaidan's mouth and the bed dipped as he moved into place behind her. Shepard tried to maintain her focus on Kaidan, but it was difficult when James' hands gripped her hips and he slid his thick length into her in one smooth thrust. She moaned loudly around Kaidan and he gasped and thrust deeper into her mouth. "I think you like that, Alenko," James said as he began to move within her. "I think you like watching me fuck her."

"Yeah," Kaidan said in a husky voice. His hand fisted tighter in Shepard's hair. She slid her hand down and relaxed her jaw muscles, taking Kaidan until the tip touched the back of her throat. She called on her legendary discipline to keep her focused and drew her finger along Kaidan's ass. His knee jerked up and he almost choked her before forcing himself to relax again.

"James," she said, releasing Kaidan and pressing her lips to the soft spot beneath his head, "be a dear and get the lube from the drawer. If you can reach it."

"Oh, I can reach it," he said and planted a hand beside Kaidan's hip to balance himself before leaning forward to grasp the handle on the drawer. The motion drove him deep inside of her and she raked her nails over Kaidan's hips.

"Is that your way of asking him to fuck you harder?" Kaidan asked. He looked up at James and said, "You don't have to be gentle with her. She likes it rough."

"This day just gets better and better," James said as he dropped the bottle of lube into Shepard's waiting hand. As he drew back, though, he paused and nuzzled her ear. He said softly, "Don't let me hurt you, Lola. I'm a lot bigger than you."

"You won't hurt me, James," she assured him and turned her head to kiss him slowly.

He drew away after a long moment and placed a hand firmly against the small of her back, pressing her down into Kaidan. She poured a drop of lube onto her fingers and set the bottle aside before circling Kaidan's ass as she took him back into her mouth. James remained still, allowing her to slide her finger into Kaidan and find her rhythm before pulling back and thrusting in deep, pushing her forward onto Kaidan. She curled her fingers and Kaidan lost control. He shouted her name as his hips bucked and forced him deeper into her throat. She tasted his release and swallowed reflexively, drawing another moan from him.

James pulled out of her and the cabin spun around her as he flipped her roughly onto her back on the bed beside Kaidan. He leaned over her, holding his weight on his elbows, and bent to kiss her as he sank back into her. His hips began to move, more forcefully this time, and she bowed up into him, raking her nails along his broad back. He released her mouth to bite down hard on her shoulder and she threw her head back and called out his name. Kaidan rolled onto his side and firmly gripped her jaw, kissing her hard. She could see James looking down at them with lust-darkened eyes and Kaidan smiled against her mouth.

"I think it's his turn," he murmured against her lips. "You okay with that, James?" he asked, pushing up onto an elbow as he began to slowly stroke himself back to erection.

"Yeah," James gasped. "Yeah. I'm good with that."

Kaidan grinned and moved behind James, ducking his head. She felt his fingers slide along the place where she and James were joined and then his tongue flicked against them. Above her, James groaned and thrust deeper into her and Shepard heard the pop of the cap to the lube. James stilled and Shepard could just see the top of Kaidan's head over his shoulder and watched as Kaidan's hand slid around to brace against James' sternum. James groaned and sank deeper into her, his eyes hazy with desire, and Shepard pulled him down to kiss him.

The three of them found a rhythm together and words faded into incoherent sounds as they moved as one. Shepard wrapped her legs more tightly around James' waist and one of Kaidan's hands grasped her thigh, holding her in a grip that might have left bruises before her reconstruction. She heard the slap of flesh against flesh and didn't know if it was Kaidan against James or James against her and couldn't bring herself to care.

James began muttering in Spanish, words she didn't recognize because even English had become a struggle for her. His jaw clenched and his head dropped back onto Kaidan's shoulder as he drove into her. Kaidan's fingers bit down on her thigh and James' chest. When James brought a hand down to circle her clit with his thumb, she thought she might combust right there. "Piú duro, piú duro," she begged. "Non si fermano. Mio dio, James! Per favore!"

"Damn, you two sound hot," Kaidan said breathlessly from behind James. She registered the tone but not the meaning as she flew into orgasm, tightening hard around James as her back arched almost painfully, riding the waves of elation that washed through her core. Her biotics flared and Kaidan's reacted automatically, catching James in their corona. He slammed hard into her and grunted as his head fell back again and he pulsed into her. Kaidan cried out and dark energy leapt around them.

James collapsed onto her, catching his weight at the last moment and holding himself offset. Kaidan followed him down, wrapping his arms around him and twining his fingers with Shepard's. The three of them lay breathlessly, gasping for air, as they floated down from their high. James lazily brought a hand up to the back of Kaidan's neck and nuzzled Shepard's hair. "Dios mio," he said. "That's the best idea you've had all year, Lola."

She turned to him and tucked her face under his jaw. His arm came around her and she brought a hand up to trace his tattoos. "So, you're really okay with this?" she asked.

"I am very okay with this," he said, dropping a kiss to her forehead before turning to look at Kaidan.

"I am also very okay with this," Kaidan said and pressed his lips to James' shoulder.

She smiled up at the two men looking down at her. Gods, they were beautiful, both inside and out. How the hell had she gotten so lucky? she wondered. Kaidan rose and clambered with surprising grace for such an awkward movement until he was lying on the other side of her with her back to his front. She turned to face him and their eyes closed as his forehead met hers. She felt his thumb stroke her cheek and turned her head to the side to press her lips against the heel of his hand. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," she whispered back and James, bless him, let them have their moment of joy at coming back together. When they drew back and looked up at him, she thought he might look a little jealous, but it was a longing jealousy that said he wanted to be a part of it, not that he wanted to take it from them.

Kaidan, of course, knew exactly what to do. "You're not getting out of this, either, Vega. You're ours now," he said, reaching up to clasp the back of James' head. "All of this is new for you and me, but I don't just want her. I want you, too. I have for a while. I just...didn't think I could have it."

James looked adorably nervous as he said, "I, uh, I've never done the whole relationship thing with another guy. I've, you know, messed around, but it's just been sex. Ladies are more my comfort zone. But this feels...right, you know? You two can stop worrying about me. I'm in. Cien por ciento. I know you have a history I don't, but she and I have one you don't have, and you and I, well, we'll just have to make our own, won't we?"

This was going to work, Shepard thought. It was really going to work. She didn't delude herself that there wouldn't ever be jealousy on anyone's part or that it would always be sunshine and roses. No relationship worked that way and their lives certainly didn't. But maybe, just maybe, they'd found something good in the midst of all of the bad that surrounded them.


	21. Chapter 21

"What do you mean you're leaving me behind?" James demanded.

"Easy, James," Kaidan said, placing a hand on the other man's arm.

James shook it off and took a step toward Shepard. "You need me down there!"

"I need Kaidan more," she said. "The reason the three of us work so well in the field is because we're balanced. If I bring you, I have no tech."

"And with Kaidan, you have no heavy hitters," he pointed out. "What are you going to do if there are harvesters or those banshee things? None of you carry heavy weapons."

"We'll use biotics," she said.

He should have known that would be her answer. As she'd said at the party on the Citadel, she believed biotics trumped physical strength every time. She wasn't going to change her mind. James could see that from the stubborn set of her jaw and the implacable look in her eyes. He knew it was a losing battle, but he was almost as determined as Shepard and fear of losing her drove him. "What happens if Liara can't handle it?"

Shepard softened and raised a hand to his cheek. "She'll handle it," she said. "I wouldn't take her if I didn't think she could do it. I know you're worried and I know you want to be there for this, but I need you to trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I've got this, James," Kaidan said. "I won't let anything happen to our Lola."

James cursed and reached for Kaidan. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you aren't important, too. You are. I just..."

"Worry more about her because she's the one dodging the most bullets," he said. "I know. I wouldn't want to be left behind, either. It would make me crazy sitting up here worrying while you two were down there. I'd be fighting to go, too."

Shepard slid her arms around their waists and said, "Look at it this way: one more mission and it's over. We go in, get that artifact, and get out and we're done. I wish like hell that I could have you both with me, but I can't leave Kaidan behind on this one. In addition to being more tactically sensible, it's only right that I finish this with the two of them. Liara, Kaidan, and I have been a team for a long time, James. We've been through a lot together and it's only right that I let them see it through. If I could, I'd bring all of you. It doesn't seem right to leave any of you behind for the last fight, but I don't have a choice. When this is over, we'll have our whole futures ahead of us. We'll go somewhere just the three of us and celebrate."

"You really think this is it, Lola?" he asked. "You think whatever's down there is what we've been looking for?"

"I do," she said, her eyes shining up at him.

Her face bore the same combination of joy, hope, and anticipation that it had when he and K. had agreed to their arrangement. She was all but vibrating in her eagerness to get down there and do this. He was the only thing that was holding her back. She didn't want to go until she knew he was okay. He didn't know that he could be okay with it, but he could try for her. They'd faced worse. Sure, the Reapers were on Thessia, but they'd been on Palaven and Tuchanka and Rannoch, too.

He was just tired of getting left behind. She'd made him go back on Mars as well. It seemed like any time there was a choice between the two of them that involved her original crew, James had to sit it out. Consoling himself that he'd been on Palaven, Tuchanka, and the Citadel with Shepard and Garrus didn't help. There hadn't been a choice then because Kaidan had been in the hospital for the first two and had a gun on her for the third. He was surprised she hadn't chosen Liara to go with Garrus in his place.

"And if this isn't?" he asked. "Next time, when it's EDI or Javik or somebody, you gonna take him then, too? Is he always your first choice or is it just when it's the first crew that I'm expendable?"

"James," Kaidan said sharply. "This clearly needs to be addressed, but do you really think this is the time?"

"You aren't expendable," Shepard growled. "And it isn't a choice between Kaidan and you. It's a choice between your skill sets, proficiencies, and experience. I'm not making this decision as your girlfriend. I'm making it as your commanding officer."

"In which case, you're also my N7 trainer," James pointed out. "Which means you're denying me valuable experience." So much for trying to be okay with it. He was willing to fight dirty if it meant he didn't have to spend yet another mission up here on the ship while she was on the ground risking her life with Kaidan. Rannoch had shaken him to his core. The only reason he'd been there was because K. had gotten a migraine and hadn't been able to go, but Alenko had been her first choice for that one, too. If Kaidan hadn't been down, James would have gone through the entire war without fighting a single geth.

Her jaw tightened. "You don't want to go there, Vega," she warned.

The lift opened and Liara ran into the shuttle bay. James pulled away from them, noting that their arms lingered around each other for a moment. They looked like the perfect couple. He was the outsider here. He always would be. There was so much history between them. He couldn't begin to catch up. He would never be as important to her as Kaidan was and he would never be as important to Kaidan as she was.

She stalked over to the weapon locker without looking at him and started snapping her weapons in place with terse motions. Kaidan cast a torn look between them, but Shepard jerked her chin at him and the major dutifully began gearing up. Liara seemed oblivious to the tension in the bay. Her fingers twisted around themselves and she almost dropped her SMG when she tried to clip it on her hip. Anxiety curled in James' gut. If Liara broke, it would leave Shepard and Kaidan on their own against the Reapers. If there was ever a time to expand her team from three to four, this was it, but she wouldn't even consider it. She never went out with more than two others. Even when they'd all gone after the clone together, she'd stuck to her two-man team and divided the others into larger groups led by Garrus and Tali.

 James went to his station and debated between trying to work and pummeling his punching bag. He didn't want to let his temper show in front of them, so he decided on work, but simply stared down at the bench rather than trying to handle the delicate internal equipment on Kaidan's favorite pistol while his hands were still shaking. Cortez jogged up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'll bring them home," he said.

"Take care of them, Esteban," he muttered, refusing to look up. "We can't fix this if they don't come back."

"They will and you'll work it out," Steve said. "You all care about each other. When you find someone you love like that, you don't let them go without a fight. You make sure we have a home to come back to, you hear me, Mr. Vega?"

 _Oh, yeah. I'm in charge when they're gone._ That meant he had things he needed to do, too. He turned away from the workbench as Liara jumped into the shuttle with Shepard and Kaidan behind her. James stopped beside the requisition terminal. He couldn't leave like this. If one or both of them didn't come back, he'd never forgive himself and he'd always wonder if they would have made it if he had just kept his mouth shut.

"Lola, K.," he called out. Shepard paused with her hand on the door and her foot on the deck of the shuttle. Kaidan leaned out over her. "Regresa a mí, mis amores."

"We'll come back," Shepard said. "Keep our ship safe."

She stepped up into the shuttle and closed the door. James watched the shuttle pass through the barrier across the open bay door and vanish in the distance before taking the lift up to the bridge. If he couldn't be down there with them, at least he could do something up here. The stealth systems kept them hidden from the Reapers, but there was always a chance things could go wrong and one of them would pick them up. As many Reapers as were surrounding the ship, that would go very bad very quickly if they weren't prepared.

He put out the call for general quarters and the crew responded without hesitation. Garrus confirmed that he was on the cannon and Tali updated him on the drive core. Joker kept a running announcement of their status and Sam stood ready at her terminal beside the galaxy map. For the moment, the greatest warship in the galaxy was his. He looked out over the bridge and wondered if this was how Shepard felt when she was up on this platform.

Having his own ship had been a dream of his for as long as he could remember. It wasn't one he shared with many people, but he'd held onto it throughout his career. He could never hope to command one like the _Normandy_ , of course. She was one of a kind and would have to be pried from Shepard's cold, dead fingers before she flew for anyone else on more than a temporary basis. Still, if he managed to show his capability here, there was a chance the Alliance might hook him up with a frigate like the original SR-1.

"They've reached the temple," Joker announced.

Having his own command would mean he couldn't stay with Lola and Kaidan, though. He might not be allowed to after the war anyway. They were Spectres. They could go wherever they wanted. Spectres were allowed to work together if they chose. The Council didn't care how they did their jobs, just that they did them. The Alliance had different standards. And while they might overlook fraternization now, when the war was over, the regs would apply again. He would likely be stationed elsewhere whether he wanted it or not. As an N7, he would be expected to form his own team.

Separation from one's partner while in the military was to be expected and he was under no illusion that it wouldn't happen to all of them at some point, but he was looking at months or even years at a time without seeing them unless their shore leaves coincided. Meanwhile, they'd be working together as often as they could and no one could say anything about two Spectres being together. He would be the odd man out. Again. Would he ever feel like he was truly an integral part of them?

"What the shit is _he_ doing there?!" Joker's exclamation brought James' head snapping up.

"Sitrep!" he barked.

"That Cerberus asshole from the Citadel just showed up!" Joker shouted. "He's got a gunship! What the shit?"

"Calm down, Joker," he said automatically even as his mind began to race. "Cortez, status," he said into the comm.

"I'm safe, but I can't get in with that gunship hovering over them and we've got more Reapers incoming," Cortez replied. "This place is falling fast. Can you hear the comms? It's nothing but screaming and cries for help and there isn't a damn thing I can do."

"EDI, patch me in to Shepard," James said.

The link activated just in time for him to hear Shepard shout Kaidan's name. It was followed by a series of explosions interspersed with her grunts and the sound of her breath heaving. It sounded like the whole temple was coming down around them. Kaidan and Liara were ominously silent. What the hell was going on down there?

"Esteban, you got eyes on their location?" he demanded.

"I, uh, yes, sir," Steve said slowly.

"Well?"

"The, uh, the gunship opened fire on the temple. I don't have a visual inside," Cortez replied.

"Damn it. Shepard! Kaidan! Liara! Somebody answer me!" he shouted.

"I'm here," Shepard grunted. "He has the data."

"Tracking the gunship," Traynor said beside him. Her hands flew over her console.

"Lieutenant, we've got Reaper signatures everywhere," Joker called out. "Most of them are headed for the planet."

"The gunship is gone, but Reapers are incoming," Steve confirmed. "Getting out of here isn't going to be easy."

"Get us in as close as you can, Joker," he ordered. "Don't make them fly out any farther than they have to. Be ready, people."

He listened as Shepard tried to raise the asari on the comm, but they didn't seem to hear her. He winced at the sound of the asari's terrified screams and slammed his fist into the rail. They were just one ship. There was nothing he could do. Leng was getting away with the data, but he wouldn't leave the ground team to go chase after him. Lola expected him to make the call that saved the most people and that data was arguably more objectively important than Shepard and her team, but he couldn't do it. They needed her. She was the only one who could pull this off.

"Ground team aboard. Coming home," Cortez said.

"I've got a lock on Leng's shuttle," Traynor said.

"Good work," he said. Relief made his knees weak. Shepard and Kaidan were coming home. Liara and Steve, too. And Traynor had just made it unnecessary for him to leave them. He could justify waiting for the shuttle and then going after that Cerberus bastard.

He waited on the bridge for the shuttle to dock. When the lift opened behind him, he turned to find Shepard and Kaidan stepping out. Kaidan's golden eyes were dark with concern. Shepard looked more beaten than he'd ever seen her. She looked worse than she had in the brig. She looked worse than she had while watching Earth fall. She'd been losing weight and the shadows beneath her eyes seemed to deepen every day. He knew she didn't sleep well. She woke them on a nightly basis with the nightmares that tormented her. She'd been holding up in spite of all of that and holding them up as well, but she was finally broken.

She kept her head down as she trudged across the bridge toward the war room. Kaidan's mouth tightened as he watched her go and only when she'd disappeared through the security checkpoint did he turn to James. The look of utter devastation on the other man's face made James' heart twist. James grasped his elbow and pulled him into the shadows of the old armory space.

Shepard and Kaidan had stripped their armor and weapons belowdecks, but the scent of smoke and death still lingered in his hair. It burned James' nostrils when he drew Kaidan into his arms, but he ignored it. Kaidan hesitated only a moment before leaning into him and burying his face in his chest. "We were so close," he whispered. "It was right there. How did this go so wrong? Should you have gone after all? Did we fail because I was there? Did I not do enough?"

"No, querido," James murmured, smoothing his hands over the sweat-dampened fabric that clung to Kaidan's back. "That pendejo had the strongest shields I've ever seen when we went up against him on the Citadel. I was useless there. You did more than I could have."

"He threw Liara into me," Kaidan said. "I went down. You'd have caught her. You could have stopped him."

"It's not your fault, mi amor," he said. Kaidan was always so strong. He was the one who centered them. Nothing shook him. Seeing him like this made James ache. He pressed his lips against the silver hair at Kaidan's temple and tightened his arms around him. "It's not your fault."

"They were dying and there was nothing we could do," Kaidan said against his shirt. "Thessia has fallen and we couldn't stop it. How did this happen?"

"I don't know, K. But we'll fix it."

Kaidan pulled back and James loosened his hold. The other man's eyes were red-rimmed but dry. "She's going to need us. Both of us. I don't know how we're going to bring her back from this. When we got on the shuttle, she checked out. She just stared at her feet. I was the one who went to Liara and held her while she cried on my shoulder. I wanted to go to Shepard, but she'd gone somewhere I couldn't get to."

"We'll get her back," James said, squeezing Kaidan's forearms. "We've all fallen apart at some point during this war. It was bound to happen to her sooner or later."

Kaidan nodded and leaned in to kiss James' cheek. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Any time," James said.

They returned to the bridge where Liara waited by the elevator with EDI and Traynor. James and Kaidan fell in with them and went through the security checkpoint before going into the war room to wait for Shepard to finish briefing the asari councilor. James wouldn't have thought that a synthetic could look anxious, but EDI managed it. She paced briskly and muttered softly to someone, probably Joker, as she cast harried glances toward the comm room. Liara braced her hands on the edge of the projector and stared down at them. Traynor bit her nails.

Kaidan's head jerked up and James looked over to see Shepard exiting the comm room. She'd pulled it together for the moment, but her eyes still bore the devastation he'd seen in them earlier and there was no trace of the hope that had defined her throughout the war. EDI warned her that the asari were retreating and the system was unsafe and Shepard gave the order to leave.

Liara turned to her and said heavily, "Shepard, I... Nobody could have predicted Cerberus would reach Thessia before us."

"It's my job to be prepared no matter what," Shepard said in a voice laced with self-recrimination. "And now Thessia's lost, as is the data on the Catalyst. I'm sick of Cerberus beating us to the punch."

Oh, no. James could see where this was going. Anger was bubbling in her alongside despair and she was turning it in on herself. He knew exactly how deadly that combination was. He'd been where she stood now. This would eat her alive if she let it and he could see nothing in her rising to stop it. That meant it was up to them to turn it outward again. She needed a target. Fortunately, he had one to give her.

"Let's kick them in the balls first for a change," he said.

That did it. Shepard's eyes flashed and she closed the holo projection of the Catalyst and pushed off of it. "I'm with James. Anyone know where they're hiding? Anyone?"

"Good save," Kaidan whispered as Traynor spoke up.

"It's a start," he whispered back.

He was under no illusions that this would be enough to bring her all the way back. She was still going to have to deal with what happened on Thessia. This just gave her a purpose, something to grasp onto so that she could drag herself back up again. He and Kaidan would be there to give her a hand while she did it, but she had to be willing to try first. That's what he'd given her. A reason to try. The anger was still there, written in the hard lines of her face and the controlled fire in her voice, but he could work with fire.

 


	22. Chapter 22

Kaidan wasn't surprised to find Shepard in her cabin with her violin that evening as they made their way to Horizon. She didn't stop playing as he entered, so he sank down on the couch and closed his eyes while he tried to sort through the maelstrom of emotions that were threatening to pull him under. There was so much on both their parts that he felt useless to help her until he'd gotten a grasp on them himself. He mentally threw them into a bowl and picked them up one by one to turn over and examine.

Thessia. Holy God, Thessia. What a nightmare. Between the harvesters and banshees and Reapers stalking across the city, he hadn't held much hope they'd make it even to the temple. If not for Liara and the courage of the asari who'd stepped up to assist them, they wouldn't have. Earth had been bad. It hurt more than he could assimilate even now, but that didn't make watching Thessia fall any easier. His heart bled for Liara. He was far too familiar with the pain she was feeling now.

Kai Leng. That dirty bastard. He'd wondered how one man had managed to beat Shepard, Garrus, and James before, but now he knew. The man fought dirty. That trick with the gunship had been nothing short of craven. Leng knew he couldn't beat Shepard on his own. Helpless fury seared through him at the thought of the dime-store ninja. He hated him for taking the data on the Catalyst. He hated him for helping Cerberus. He hated him for almost killing Shepard. And he hated him for hurting her.

He'd almost missed the one thing she'd said in the shuttle. She'd whispered it so softly, he wasn't sure at first that she'd said it at all. "Thane could have beaten him." That had stung. Kaidan had done his best, but he'd still fallen short of the man she'd loved when he'd walked away. She didn't talk about the drell often, but he'd picked things up from Garrus, Tali, Joker, and EDI. Beneath the envy, Kaidan thought he might have liked him.

According to their friends, he'd been honorable, compassionate, loyal, intelligent, and utterly devoted to Shepard. EDI had admired him for the 'great effort' she said he'd undertaken to turn his life around. Garrus had called him brother. Tali had respected how well he'd held himself together even under duress. Even Joker had liked him and he didn't often warm up to people who didn't share his sense of humor, which EDI said he hadn't. Kaidan had yet to hear a negative word about the assassin from any of the crew who'd known him. Even Karin had extolled his fortitude given his health issues. They all got very quiet when the subject of his death came up.

Kaidan wondered if he would have had a chance had the drell had survived. Was he her second—or third—choice? He knew she still mourned him. He knew she missed him. He'd seen her coming to the lounge to speak with him and watched her step falter and her eyes slide to the Life Support room. He'd found her more than once standing in the place where Tali told him Thane had died, tracing his name on the wall with her fingertips. And now Leng had brought him back again.

Horizon. Would she have fallen for the drell in the first place if Kaidan hadn't turned away on Horizon? He'd thought at the time that he was doing the right thing. The two years she'd been gone had felt interminable. Every day had dragged into eternity, filled with nothing but grief and guilt. His first date with Chloe had felt like a betrayal of Shepard. He'd gone home and drunk himself into a stupor that night and again after the next. He'd thought he'd accepted that Shepard was gone, but trying to move on had brought it all back again. And then the rumors had started circulating.

At first, he'd responded with a desperate, cloying kind of hope that had made his skin tight and stole the breath from his lungs. He'd searched relentlessly for any sign of her. He'd returned to the Citadel as often as he could in the hopes of seeing her. Chloe had thought he was coming for her and he'd been low enough to let her, but his eyes had searched every human face he'd come across for some hint of her. Anderson couldn't confirm anything. Hackett claimed he didn't know anything. Liara was silent on the matter. Garrus and Joker had vanished. Wrex knew nothing. Tali didn't respond to him. He'd told himself he was clinging to false hope and had tried to let it go.

Then, the Collectors had attacked the colony and when they retreated, he'd gone in search of survivors and heard her voice. He'd stopped behind the wall separating them and listened to Delan rail at her while he tried to adjust to the sudden shift in the universe. It had taken every ounce of self-control not to run to her. When she'd come so freely into his arms, something vital had clicked back into place again. He'd felt like he could breathe again for the first time in two years. But then she'd told him she was with Cerberus and his joy had been stolen by doubt and suspicion.

He'd turned his back on the woman he claimed to love. There was no denying it now. There were no excuses. Garrus, Tali, Joker, Wrex, Liara, and Karin had believed in her. Anderson and Hackett had believed in her. He'd been the only one to doubt. He'd been the only one who hadn't trusted her. Suspicion was in his nature, but he'd never imagined that he would turn it against her like the weapon he did. She'd deserved better and he hadn't given it to her. It was no wonder she'd turned to someone else.

If he'd had any lingering doubts about her allegiances, they'd been shattered when he'd watched her talk to the Illusive Man. _Cerberus was supposed to be humanity's sword, not a dagger in our back._ Whatever loyalty she may have felt toward the group while she was with them, it was gone now. She hated them with a passion that rivaled his own. If he'd taken the time to talk to her on Horizon, would he have learned that had always been the case? If he'd actually listened to her, would he have seen what made the others continue to follow her?

And now they were going back. He didn't know how to feel about that. He didn't know how she would feel about it. He wouldn't blame her a bit if she left him on the ship and took James. Would she want to go back to that place with him, especially when she was so raw already? Had they come full circle? Was this a second chance? An opportunity to get it right? He knew she had to be thinking about it, too. Would she decide he wasn't worthy of her after all?

James. He'd forgotten the incident before they left once they'd gotten down to the planet, but it had come back when he'd seen the man's face. They'd screwed up somewhere along the way. James felt like he wasn't an equal partner in their relationship. That was probably Kaidan's fault, too. It had taken him a long time to get comfortable with his attraction to men and he'd never had a real relationship with one before. James hadn't, either, so they were both in uncharted waters. It was natural that they would turn first to Shepard.

It was also natural that James would feel like Kaidan had a greater claim to her given their history. What James didn't seem to understand was what Kaidan would give to have one as pure as the one Shepard had with Vega. James had never hurt her. He'd never betrayed her. He'd stood by her even before he met her. Cortez had described how James' unit used to tease him about his unwavering support of her and his credo of 'What would Commander Shepard do?' The man had worshipped her from afar for years and when he'd gotten the chance to help her, he'd done it without question. James had stood by her when everyone else had turned away. He'd never doubted her. He'd never entertained the possibility that she could have been wrong. His unerring loyalty to her was something Kaidan couldn't claim, but wished he could.

"You're a million light years away," Shepard said softly. He opened his eyes and realized she'd lowered her bow.

"Just thinking," he said.

"Thessia?" she asked.

"Thessia, Horizon, James," he said, giving her his mental list to see which she wanted to address first.

"We were so close, Kaidan," she whispered. "How could I have neglected to anticipate them? Cerberus has been one step ahead of us the entire time. I should have expected them. I should have known as soon as I saw those scientists that Leng was there. If I had, I would have taken Vendetta right away. Leng wouldn't have had the chance to get it. If I hadn't spent so much time talking to it, he wouldn't have gotten the drop on us. I let my curiosity blind me. I thought we'd won and I dropped my guard."

"It isn't your fault," he said, echoing James' words to him. He hadn't realized how much he'd needed to hear that until he had. James had known exactly what to say to bring him back to an even keel.

"It is," she said. "I should have known."

"Stubborn woman," he said, rising from the couch to go to her.

"Me?" she asked with a choked laugh. "You're one to talk."

"What a pair we make, huh?" he said.

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "So...Horizon."

He turned so that he was on a knee in front of her. "Shepard, I'm so sorry for what happened there. The things I said, both there and on Mars, were wrong. I should have listened to you. I should have tried to see things from your point of view."

She reached out and placed her hand on his jaw. Of course she would rally for him when he needed her. He nuzzled into the warm, calloused comfort of her fingers. "Kaidan, I forgave you a long time ago. I don't expect you to be anything other than what you are. Your world is black and white. Mine is gray. That's going to cause problems. We just can't stop trying to work through them. Let it go. I have."

He breathed in the scent of gun oil and rosin on her hands and nodded. "You can't blame yourself for Thessia, Shepard," he said. "If the asari had told us about it before, this war would already be over. They chose to keep it from us until it was too late. That isn't your fault. You can't fix everything."

"It's my job to fix it," she insisted.

He wasn't going to break through. He didn't know what to say. He never knew what to say when she was like this. He knew someone who did, though, and it might go a long way to showing him he was needed. "EDI, can you ask James to come up?" he asked, slipping away from her.

He resumed his seat on the couch. He didn't want James to see them on the bed together and assume he was an afterthought. Vega wasn't as comfortable coming up to Shepard's cabin uninvited as Kaidan was. Today, especially, he would hesitate to come without being asked. He didn't yet know where the line was with her or how to determine when she needed privacy and when she needed to be barged in on whether she wanted it or not.

This was definitely a day to barge in. Alone, she would mire herself in her dark thoughts. She needed something to focus on until she could act again. She needed a win. Once she had it, she would begin to move past the loss, but until she did, she would spiral down into a pit of self-recrimination as deep as his own. She stared blankly at the aquarium without seeing the fish swimming inside. He was certain that when he closed his eyes, the same scenes played across them as she was seeing now. The Reapers descending. The asari screaming. The city burning.

The door opened, pausing Kaidan's own spiral, and James entered. He stopped just inside the doorway with his hands tucked into his back pockets and rocked on his heels. Kaidan reached a hand up where he could see and waved him over. James cast him a wary look, but came fully into the room. "You okay, Lola?" he asked gently.

She blinked twice before looking down at the instrument lying forgotten in her lap. She might be pulling it back together for others, but she was still deeply disturbed. He'd yet to see a problem her violin couldn't help her work through. He thought again that she needed a win. They had to beat Kai Leng on Horizon. If they didn't, he didn't know how long she could continue to stand with the weight of the galaxy collapsing on her shoulders.

"I don't know," she whispered. "I can shake it off for a few minutes, but it keeps coming back. Be glad you weren't there."

At that, James crossed over to her and crouched in front of her the way Kaidan had only minutes before. He carefully took her face in his massive hands and tenderly stroked a fallen lock of hair behind her ear. "Stop, querida," he said gently. "Don't beat yourself up. There isn't a soldier in history who hasn't had their ass handed to them at some point. You just win so often that you've forgotten how it feels."

"Now you sound like Anderson," she said.

"He's a smart guy," James said. "What differentiates a good soldier from a bad one?"

"All soldiers fall. The good ones get back up," she said by rote.

"Thought you said you weren't any better than the rest of us?" James said. "You changing your story now, Lola? You think you're too good to lose?"

"No," she said.

"That's what I thought. You're allowed to screw up, Shepard. You're only human."

"I lost a _planet_ ," she whispered as a tear streamed down her face. Kaidan's chest tightened. He hated seeing her cry. Her tears were so rare that he sometimes forgot she had them. 

"And how many have you saved?" James asked, brushing the moisture away with his thumb. "None of us would be here right now if not for everything you've been doing for years." He turned to Kaidan. "You know I'm right, right? Gonna jump in here?"

Kaidan said, "I wasn't getting through. We're both too close to it. She needs you like I needed you earlier. You're doing just fine."

Shepard swallowed hard and pressed her lips together in an attempt to stem the flow. James turned back to her and gathered her into his arms. Kaidan leaned over to move her violin so that James could sit on the bed with Shepard in his lap. It was strange to see her looking so small and vulnerable. He never knew the right thing to do when she needed someone to lean on. _Come on, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder._ She'd said that before Ilos and he'd said the wrong thing then, too. _I always leave a way out. You know that._ He was going to have to stop doing that someday. One day, she was going to stop running after him when he ran away.

Her shoulders shook and James held her closer. Kaidan would have thought that James would be as discomfited as he was, but the big man didn't flinch away. He held her while she cried and crooned something to her in Spanish. "Breathe, querida," he said, switching to English. "Just breathe. Let it out, mi alma. Give it to me for a while. My shoulders are plenty big enough to carry it."

Her breath hitched and her hands fisted into James' shirt like a child. She whispered something Kaidan couldn't hear and James kissed her hair and murmured something else to her. She pressed her face into his thick neck and wrapped her arms around it. Kaidan wished he could give her what James did, but he was glad that someone could. Kaidan and Shepard were both solid lines and hard angles. James was the light that permeated the shadows they created. He lifted Kaidan up when he began to fall and he gave Shepard a soft place to land. They each needed the other. They were all fine on their own, but they were better and stronger together.

James' eyes met his and Kaidan smiled softly. "She needed you," he reiterated. "She may not always need you on the ground, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need you here."

"I'm sorry about earlier," James said over her head. "I keep thinking if I hadn't made such a scene, maybe things would have gone differently."

"It wasn't your fault," Shepard said against his neck. "We weren't holding onto it. You know how it is. You leave that stuff on the ship and pick it up again when you come back. We'll work it out."

"I checked in on Liara before I came up," he said to her. "She was busy at her terminal and didn't seem to see me. Glyph said she'd been working since you left her. I think she's gonna be okay."

"Good," Shepard said, her voice still muffled by James' throat.

Her body finally relaxed and James ran a hand over her hair. It had been so easy for him. How did he always know what to say or do to bring her back to center? How had he known how to do it with him? He didn't have to think about it. He just did it. Maybe that was the answer. Kaidan tended to overthink everything. _You can't just pull out a good, old-fashioned, 'It'll be all right,' can you?_ Maybe it really was that easy.

He went to the bed and sat beside James so that he could look at her. Her eyes were puffy and her tears had left silver tracks down her cheeks, but they were dry. Even red-eyed and sniffling, she was the most beautiful woman he knew. He ran a finger along her jaw and said, "Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out."

"You're learning," she said with a shaky smile.

"Better?" James asked.

Shepard nodded and slid off of his lap to sit between them. "Better," she confirmed. "I'm sorry. I just..."

"Even you need a shoulder sometimes," Kaidan said. "I'm sorry I forget that."

"I don't know what I'd do without you," she said, looking between them. "Either of you." She pressed her lips to James' jaw and whispered, "You're always there when I need you."

"I just wish you could say the same for me," Kaidan muttered.

She turned to him. "You always come back," she said. "And that counts for a lot."

"Huh," James said. "Didn't realize you had insecurities, too."

"We all do," Shepard said. "You think I don't worry that the two of you will get so close that you don't need me anymore? You're like two halves of a whole. You complement each other in a way that sometimes makes me feel like I'll be superfluous once you're fully comfortable with each other. And I worry sometimes that your views on fraternization will strengthen and you'll both change your minds. Or that you'll decide you can't do this and check out. Or that you'll think we don't need you and walk away."

"I'm not going anywhere, Lola," James said.

"And neither am I," Kaidan added. "You're stuck with us, Shepard."

"I can live with that," she sighed and wrapped her hands around their arms.

They moved back onto the bed and James settled in the middle. Kaidan laid his head on James' shoulder across from Shepard and twined his fingers in hers. James' arms came around them, holding them securely against him. Kaidan sighed in uncertain contentment. It didn't seem right to be happy given what had just happened, but he felt complete. This was exactly where he wanted to be.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Shepard's shower was amazing. Her hot tub was even better, James reflected as he stretched out in it. They'd returned to the Citadel for a final shore leave while the _Normandy_ was restocked in preparation for the final push. Shepard wanted to be sure that nothing had been overlooked or left out. They didn't know how long after they returned to Earth they'd have to wait to be able to resupply.

Three months' levo and dextro rations were mandatory, but she'd doubled the requisition in preparation for a potentially long engagement. She didn't say it out loud, but he thought it was in case the Crucible didn't work. One way or another, they wouldn't be leaving the Sol system again until the war was over. Even if the Crucible worked, there was a shortage of supplies back on Earth and she didn't want to add to the burden.

She'd spent a full day locked in the main battery with Garrus and Tali, calculating the exact amount of supplies the _Normandy_ could handle and figuring out how to best divide that weight between food, water, ammunition, medical supplies, and weapons. Anything unnecessary had been scuttled. The spare bedrooms of her apartment were packed with crates holding personal belongings for all the crew. She'd even brought her violin home and was prepared to leave it. His weights and guitar were in her closet. Kaidan's books were on the shelves in the library downstairs. Thane's mug was on the table by the window beside the picture she'd hesitated before placing there. James didn't mind the small shrine she'd created. Kaidan had been a little more uncertain, but he'd agreed, too. Pretending he hadn't existed wouldn't make her love him less. Accepting that only made things easier for all of them.

They were going home. Just a few more days and they'd be back on Earth. James missed it there. He was eager to get back to the fight. He hadn't doubted the need for them to leave in a long time, but he was glad they were finally getting to return. It was time to end this. But before they did, he was going to enjoy this hot tub one last time.

"Want company?"

He turned to see Kaidan leaning a shoulder against the doorjamb with his arms across his chest and grinned. "Hell, yeah, querido. Come on in. It's even better than the waterfall." 

Kaidan shook his head with a smile. "You and that damn waterfall," he said as he began to unbutton his shirt.

James watched greedily as Kaidan's muscled chest came into view. Kaidan kicked off his boots and stripped his pants down his legs, exposing his erection to the warm air. "Eager, jefe?" he teased.

"You know it," Kaidan said, sliding into the water.

James reached for him without hesitation and felt Kaidan's hand tangle in his mohawk. Kaidan tugged and James let his head fall back, exposing his throat to the other man's exploration. Kaidan's stubble scraped over his collarbone and then his teeth were grazing the side of his neck. James shivered despite the heat and curled an arm around Kaidan's trim waist. Dios, he was gorgeous with those hawkish eyes and that sprinkle of silver at his temples. His body was perfect, though James thought he'd look even hotter with a tattoo or two. He opened his mouth to suggest it and Kaidan stole the breath for the words. Their teeth clashed. Their tongues danced. James forgot what he'd been about to say.

Kaidan stepped closer, sloshing water around them, and drew his hand down James' chest. His abs tightened when the major trailed over them and he groaned when Kaidan's long fingers wrapped around him. His hand opened just long enough to press himself into it and James thrust against him. Under the water, Kaidan's hand started to glow and James thought he might lose it right there.

"Can you feel that?" he gasped.

"No," Kaidan said against his throat. "Doesn't matter. I know how it feels."

Kaidan's languorous strokes were driving him mad. James didn't know if he'd ever get used to the sensation of dark energy being used for pleasure. He wanted to beg for more, but Kaidan's biotics were geared toward destruction and it was only his insistence on being able to maintain tight control of them that allowed him to utilize them this way. Shepard was just as much a control freak and she could do it, too, but he knew it wasn't a common ability among humans who weren't born with them. Kaidan's thumb brushed over their tips and James' hips bucked.

"Dios, K. Quiero ahora, corazón," he panted.

"Patience, James," Kaidan murmured against his ear.

How could he be patient? Need had its talons locked into him and he was pretty sure he was going to die if Kaidan kept up this tortuously slow pace for much longer. He wanted to be inside him. Or have K. inside him. He didn't care. He buried his hand in Kaidan's thick hair and kissed him hard, demanding more, but to his frustration, Kaidan slowed his strokes. His lips curled into a sadistic, teasing grin against James'. "I told you to be patient, didn't I?"

"Por favor, K. Please. I need..."

"Wait," Kaidan ordered, nipping his jaw.

"You didn't have to," Shepard said from the doorway, "but I appreciate it." Fuck, he really was going to die if she started in on him, too.

"Figured I'd get him warmed up," Kaidan said, looking up at her. 

"Yeah?" she asked, taking a seat on the edge of the tub with her legs dangling in the water. "Looks like I've got some catching up to do."

"We can help with that. Can't we, James?" Kaidan asked.

"Oh, yeah," James agreed.

Kaidan turned him so that he was facing Shepard and used the hand in his mohawk to bend him over. James glided his hands up Shepard's long legs, feeling the play of lean muscle beneath his fingers. He loved her legs. He loved the way they wrapped around his waist. He loved the sight of them on the rare occasions when she wore a dress. He loved them in armor when they were carrying her across a battlefield. He drew one out of the water and licked from her instep to the back of her knee. Her eyes burned down at him as her hand joined Kaidan's in his hair and twined with the other man's fingers.

Having the undivided attention of humanity's two Spectres on him was a heady thing. Kaidan's free hand was still stroking him, but stopped when Shepard reached over his head with the bottle of lube they kept in here for just this reason. Kaidan released his hair to guide his hips out of the water and pop open the cap. James shivered in anticipation at the sound. "Focus," Shepard said, tugging his hair.

He returned his attention to her leg, trailing his lips up the inside of her thigh. Her head fell back and he glanced up to see her back arched, her breasts begging for attention. He tightened his core to hold himself in place and reached up to indulge her, cupping the soft weight in his hand as he switched to the other leg and gave it the same treatment as the first. He heard and felt her sharp intake of breath when he tasted her. Her hand tightened in his hair and he grinned against her. He loved that he could do this to her, loved that he could break her legendary focus and reduce his Lola to pure need.

She moaned when his finger slid into her wet heat and he echoed the sound when Kaidan's slid into him, spreading the silken lubricant. He released her breast to grip the edge of the tub hard enough to turn his knuckles white. His tongue circled the bundle of nerves at her center and she laid back on the floor and began to ride his hand. Her wetness slicked his fingers and he slid a second into her as Kaidan did the same to him. "More," she gasped, reaching down to grasp his hand. He released his hold on the ledge just enough to slide his fingers between hers and then began to work a third into her. She was still speaking English, so she wasn't quite there yet.

He felt Kaidan's fingers slip out and his erection nudge against him and momentarily forgot Shepard in front of him. Her head lifted and she looked down at them with hungry eyes as she began to move against him again. He threw his head back as Kaidan pressed into him, stretching and filling him. Kaidan's hand came up to brace his chest and James could feel Kaidan's heartbeat against his back.

Shepard made a needy sound in the back of her throat and James remembered that he was supposed to be helping her catch up, not leaving her behind. "Fuck her, James," Kaidan ordered in his husky voice. "Fuck her while I fuck you."

"Dios mio," James groaned. Fuck, did he have any idea how hot he sounded when he talked like that? Shepard's moan told him she was just as affected as he was.

She cried out when he pulled her roughly into the tub, maintaining just enough presence of mind to use a hand against her back to keep her from slamming into the ledge, and drove into her. Those long legs wrapped around his waist and he watched, entranced, as her muscles rippled with her motions when she started to ride him slowly. Behind him, Kaidan began moving again, setting the pace for the three of them. Shepard's hands locked onto James' slick shoulders, her nails digging into the skin over his newly-healed N7 tattoo. Her soft cries echoed in the enclosed space, joining his and Kaidan's deeper rumblings.

Kaidan grasped his hair again, turning his face to him, and he claimed James' mouth with his own. James held Shepard with an arm around her hips and brought a hand up to cup the back of Kaidan's head. He loved the way the major took control. It still astounded him at times that Lola allowed it, but she seemed to relish it as much as he did. Kaidan said it gave her a place where she didn't have to be in charge and that being freed from even something as simple as responsibility for making decisions regarding her partners' pleasure was an outlet she desperately needed. James had anticipated being at the bottom of this particular totem pole, but she'd begun deferring to him lately, too, which was both bizarre and empowering. The sight of Shepard on her knees was fucking hot and something he wanted to see again before they left.

He also loved the way that Kaidan managed to both seize control and imbue emotion into the act. His hand was fisted sharply in James' hair and his thrusts were forceful for their lack of speed, but his mouth was gentle and the hand on his chest traced small circles over his skin. Lola's nails still dug into his back, but her open mouth covered his nipple and her tongue played slowly over it as she moved on him.

Kaidan and Shepard didn't touch each other beyond incidental contact. This was all for him. He wondered if they'd planned it. After his blowup before Thessia, they'd both been more conscientious about making sure he felt included and important. Kaidan had more time than she did and had spent more time down in the shuttle bay with him or in the lounge letting James kick his ass at poker, but Shepard had carved out time for him as well. He'd learned that if he got up half an hour earlier, she would run the ship with him and then let him cook breakfast for her before her day began. Kaidan joined them on occasion, but generally let them have that time to themselves. And they'd started doing things like this, too, apparently.

Kaidan changed his angle, sending James deeper into Shepard. Her nails raked down his back as her teeth locked on his chest. "Do that again, K.," he begged.

"You like that?" Kaidan asked. "She likes it, too, but this isn't about her. Is it, Shepard?"

"No, sir," she gasped against James' chest.

"That's right," he said, thrusting deep into James again.

James' head dropped back against Kaidan's shoulder as he began to pound into him, sending water splashing across the tile floor in waves they ignored. Shepard clung to him as he used the arm around her hips to pull her down onto him in tandem with Kaidan's movements. Her breath came in hot gasps that bathed his overheated skin. Dark energy flickered over her skin, flaring and dying with each of his thrusts. His name fell from her lips.

"Don't come, Shepard," Kaidan ordered.

"She can get closer than that," James said, fighting for control of his voice.

"You want to test that, James?" he asked.

"I think we should," James said.

"I hate you both," Shepard groaned.

"We're definitely testing it," Kaidan said.

His hand swept down James' torso to his groin. Dark energy flared and James recognized Kaidan's game as the sensation went to his core. Shepard moaned loudly and tensed as her biotics responded, wrapping around James and sending pulses racing through him. If he hadn't seen firsthand what red sand did to a person, he might consider trying it just to be able to let them feel what he felt when they both turned it on him. It was exquisite. Shepard tightened around him and the fluttering of her internal walls as she fought her orgasm shoved rational thought from his mind. He usually tried to make sure she finished first, but Kaidan was having none of that. He shifted his angle again and gave a series of rapid, shallow thrusts that unraveled James. He spilled into Shepard, shouting incoherently in Spanish as he did so.

"James!" she wailed, using her powerful legs to draw him deeper.

He collapsed back into Kaidan and the smaller man put a foot back to brace their weight before sliding out of him. Kaidan directed him to the seat at the edge of the tub and pulled Shepard off of him before she could ride him to her own completion. Her disappointed groan turned to an ecstatic moan when Kaidan swiftly cleaned himself before lifting her out of the water and sliding her down on to him. James sat back, sated, to watch his lovers.

"Please," she begged against the other man's mouth, "help me, K. I'm so close."

"I think you earned it," Kaidan said.

He banded an arm beneath her ass and fisted a hand in her hair, pulling her head back. She moaned his name as he buried himself in her. They moved together as one; hard, needy, desperate. Dark energy licked around them like blue flame, flashing off of the walls and making the water glow. It was a sight to behold. James drank it in the way Kaidan drank in her cries. Her words shifted to Italian before devolving into incoherent pleas. Kaidan released her hair and brought his hand down to the place where they were joined. He stroked the soft flesh surrounding him and Shepard locked herself around him. Kaidan groaned into her mouth and spun so that her back was braced against the wall before slamming into her.

"Come for me, Shepard," Kaidan gasped. "Now."

Shepard bit down hard on Kaidan's shoulder as her body went rigid and her muscles trembled. He pounded relentlessly into her, seeking his own release. They found it together. Their coronas flared, sending water sheeting upward to splatter against the ceiling. It rained down on the three of them as Kaidan and Lola sank down onto the bench across from James, breathing heavily.

"Holy shit," James said, moving to join them. "That was hot."

They stumbled from the tub and dried each other off before collapsing onto the wide bed together. Shepard lay between them, facing James with Kaidan pressed against her from her shoulders to her heels. His arm draped over her waist and splayed across James' belly. James slid a hand beneath her face and covered Kaidan's with the other. He wished he could express how much they meant to him.


	24. Chapter 24

Shepard wanted to take both of them to Cronos Station with her, but gave in to EDI's insistence that she needed to go. She was glad she did when Cerberus tried to vent the hangar with her and James still in it. EDI could have survived it. She, James, and Kaidan wouldn't have. James had been surprised when she'd picked him. She'd expected Kaidan to protest, but he'd given her a nod of understanding. EDI gave her the tech she needed for Cerberus' shields. She provided the biotics. That meant that James was the better choice to round out her team. And it proved to him that her decision was based in tactics, not personal preference.

She was grateful for his presence when EDI pointed her to the data on the Lazarus Project. She asked EDI to upload it so that she could share it with Kaidan later. He deserved to know. But James was the one behind her when she heard the full extent of her injuries. Jacob had told her she'd been nothing but meat and tubes when he'd first seen her and she'd joked about being dead for two years, but this was proof. Clinically brain-dead was dead. People didn't come back from that.

Did they? Was she the real Shepard? Was she still the same person she was before or was she another clone like the one who'd tried to steal her life? Was she even organic? She'd seen the glow of her cybernetics through her skin and behind her eyes. Would Chakwas have told her if she'd discovered a synthetic beneath the heavy skin weave? Or had they replaced her brain with an advanced VI or AI that thought it was Commander Shepard?

When she expressed her doubts, James took a step forward and said, "You're real, Lola. Your passion, your fire, your determination, those things can't be faked. You're still the same person I fell for years before I met you."

He'd reassured her, but she couldn't help but wonder if Kaidan would see it the same way. Would he still want her? Would this bring his own doubts rushing back to the surface? She would have to find out later. There was no time to worry about it now. At least she wouldn't lose them both. James accepted her for who she was, and she realized as they made their way deeper into the facility, she wasn't surprised at that.

He'd always accepted her. He had seen her at some of her lowest points and he'd never turned away. When the Alliance had turned its back on her and hung her out to dry, he'd been there. When she'd been forced to reveal some of the darkest parts of her past, he'd refused to look at her with pity. He'd simply lent her his support and tried to make her smile. He'd taken her anger without rancor. He'd cared for her when she was sick. He'd risked his life for her, not for the sake of the mission, but for her and had almost died doing it. After Thessia, he had been the one to look into the darkness and guide her back toward the light.

When they reached the next console, she paused before activating it and turned to him. "You know I love you, right?"

He gaped at her and glanced quickly at EDI before looking back at her. "You do?"

"Of course," she said. "I guess I need to get better at expressing it if you're that surprised."

A short time later, she was gaping up at the abomination hanging from the multi-story ceiling. Surely, she was imagining things. Cerberus couldn't have...she'd taken the Cain to the damn thing! It had exploded! How had they recovered even this much? And why would the Illusive Man hang it up like some kind of macabre trophy? If she'd needed any more proof of his indoctrination, this was it. She thought of the hundreds of thousands of colonists who'd been taken. Members of her crew had lost family to the Collectors. She remembered watching the woman disintegrate in her pod. She could still feel the slime that had splashed down into her hair when she'd shot the tubes. Her stomach turned. All those people....

"Wish I could drag all those assholes who doubted you here so they could see this," James said. "I'd say I can't believe you fought that thing, but I saw you on Rannoch."

"We didn't have a fleet that time," she said. "Thane, Jack, and I took it out with an M-920 Cain. I can't believe it's here."

She approached it with heavy steps and rage in her heart. When James warned of phantoms, she was ready. What she wasn't ready for was the familiar battle cry of, "I will destroy you!"

"Jack?" she called out, searching for the source of the voice.

For an instant, she thought the psychotic biotic had somehow managed to make her way here and was fighting on their side. Then, she looked closer at the phantom in front of her. She'd changed since Shepard had last seen her. Her hair was longer and scraped back into a ponytail. She was wearing clothes. It was Jack, but the look in her eyes was not. Shepard hesitated for half a heartbeat before pulling the trigger on her shotgun.

Guilt roared through her, only slightly mitigated by the knowledge that if there was any part of her friend left in there, she'd be begging her to do it. She retreated back and replaced her shotgun with Eleanor and then waited for Jack to stop before lining up her shot. The bullet pierced cleanly through her forehead and she fell. Shepard returned the sniper rifle to her back and drew the shotgun again as she knelt beside the body of her friend and whispered, "I'm sorry." She used two fingers to close Jack's sightless eyes and forced herself deeper into the house of horrors.

EDI said, "I apologize, Shepard. There was an audio file, but I thought it kinder not to draw your attention to it. Had I known that it would prepare you for the possibility of this, I would have."

"What was she doing here?" Shepard asked.

"She was captured when Grissom Academy was taken," EDI said.

Shepard's heart sank. Another death on her conscience because she hadn't taken the time to do what needed to be done. She hadn't known Jack was at Grissom. If she had, she would have made time. Instead, she'd decided that the war summit took precedence and she'd gotten caught up with the genophage cure. Jack had paid the price.

"You knew her?" James asked, sending a carnage blast at another phantom. Shepard wondered whose friend this one had been.

"Jack," she said tersely, glancing up at the proto-Reaper. It wasn't right that she should die here beneath it. "Just one more thing Cerberus is going to pay for."

She dove behind a post when a nemesis' laser sight passed by her and drew her sniper rifle again. She wanted to charge and tear through enemies, but she wouldn't risk losing James or EDI to an unexpected bullet. Neither of them were suited for long-range, so she was it. Sniping required focus and patience and it served to draw her attention away from the monstrosity looming overhead, but she still half-expected it to come back to life and start clawing at them. It was a relief to leave the room.

By the time they'd reached the core of the station and Shepard stepped onto the projector that had displayed her image for the Illusive Man, she was drained. She gazed around the familiar room she'd never been in before and wondered yet again if she'd been right to join them. Could she have tried harder to find another way? Had Kaidan been right in his insistence that there'd been another option? Had she been lured by the ship, manipulated with her friends, and blinded to what Cerberus really was? Had securing the Collector base been his plan for her all along and had she played right into his hands? Was she that naïve and foolish?

Those thoughts haunted her even as she battled Kai Leng, drove her omni-blade into his lungs, retrieved Vendetta, and learned of the Citadel's capture. They weighed on her during the shuttle ride back to the ship. They accompanied her through her debrief with Anderson and Hackett. They followed her up to her cabin to wait.

Kaidan was the first to come to her. Just like the night before Ilos, he sought her out and gave her the option to turn him away. She didn't take it. Instead, she drew him into her cabin and asked EDI to play the Lazarus Project feed. He sat with her back to his front and watched silently with his arms around her. When it was done, he pressed his forehead to her shoulder. His voice shook when he said, "I thought you were just on life support. Clinically brain-dead... Shepard, I...I don't even know what to say. Do you remember anything?"

"Nothing," she said. "The last thing I remember was the _Normandy_ blowing apart and the pain. The next thing I knew, I was waking up on Lazarus Station with Miranda looking down at me."

"Are you okay? How do you feel about this?" he asked.

"James and EDI seem sure that I'm real," she said. "But people don't come back from that, right? It isn't possible to bring someone back from the dead." She turned in his arms to face him. "Were you right all along? Am I really me, K? Or am I something else that thinks I'm me? Who am I, Kaidan? What am I?"

He took her face in his hands and said, "You're real enough for me." He chuckled. "That sounded better in my head. You're you, Shepard. You're the woman I fell in love with on the SR-1. You've changed, sure, but so have we all. None of us are the same people we were when we stepped on that ship for the first time, but you're still the woman I love."

"Thank you, Kaidan," she said, releasing a shuddering breath. "When I saw that, I was so afraid it would change the way you looked at me. If it was going to, I had to know."

"The only thing it changes is that I'm now torn between hating Cerberus even more for manipulating you and feeling grateful to them for bringing you back to me," he said. "I don't know how to reconcile that."

"The world isn't just black and white, K," she said. "Evil people can do good things and good people can do evil things. I've seen it. But I do have a little more empathy now for your dilemma over my assertions about doing the wrong things for the right reasons. If Cerberus did the right thing for the wrong reasons, does that still make it right?"

"I don't know," he said. "But you were right to do what you did, regardless of their reasons. You acted with integrity, Shepard. You did what you had to do and it was the only thing you could do at the time. You saved Earth. You gave us the chance we now have. What Cerberus has become isn't on you. It's on them. They made their choices."

The door opened and James jogged down the steps before sliding to a halt. "Oh. Am I interrupting?"

"No," Kaidan said.

"I was showing him the Lazarus feed," she explained.

James came over and sat beside them. "You okay, Lola? That mission was rough. I'm sorry about your friend. I'm sorry you were the one who had to take her out."

Kaidan's arms tightened around her as she explained about Jack. He shook his head. "This will all be over soon and we won't have to deal with those horrors anymore. I'm sure there will be others, but hopefully they won't be at this level. I'm sorry, sweetheart."

They slept together again while waiting for word from command. Kaidan's breathing was the first to slow. He still slept like the dead, but usually had trouble getting to sleep, but he preceded them into it when they were all together and was plagued with fewer nightmares than she and James experienced. It was a crap shoot which of them would wake the other two first on any given night, but they'd reduced in frequency since they'd begun sharing a bed when they could. Shepard's ghosts largely left her alone when she was fortunate enough to be surrounded by her two men. In their arms was the only place left in the galaxy where she truly felt safe.

Tonight, though, she didn't want to sleep. She looked down at the two men who meant so much to her and memorized their faces. The odds of the three of them ever being together like this again were so small as to be laughable. She'd done everything she could, brought together people from all corners of the galaxy, and they were as ready as they could get, but she still didn't know if it was going to be enough. The situation had changed. Getting the Crucible to the Citadel was going to be nigh on impossible and they still didn't know how or if it was going to work. They'd placed all of their bets on a long shot and there were no guarantees. She wanted to stop time and hold them in this moment forever. She wanted to keep them here where they were safe. She couldn't handle it if she lost them, too.

Kaidan's even breaths stirred her hair and his lips curled up into a soft smile. It was hard to believe now that there had ever been a time when she hadn't loved him. She stared down at him and remembered the first time she'd seen him. He'd looked so different then. He'd been so different. Fresh-faced and idealistic, but at the same time already jaded, he'd captured her attention. They'd been standing in the docking bay on Arcturus, waiting for Anderson to arrive. He'd been eager to get underway, excited about the opportunity, and tripping over his words when he'd tried to talk to her. She'd thought he was adorable.

Memories flooded her. Had it only been four years since that day? So much had happened. So much had changed. He'd been right earlier when he'd said they weren't the same people. The awkward boy who'd gotten flustered while flirting with her on their first trip to the Citadel was gone and in his place was a confident, competent man. He'd been cute then and gods knew he'd always had a great ass, but he'd aged like an expensive asari wine. The softness of his face had smoothed and hardened into chiseled lines. The silver at his temple made him look dignified. He took her breath away.

They'd been through so much. So much had come between them. Their relationship was defined by extremes with bare moments of pure happiness between devastating lows. And yet they orbited around each other as surely and inevitably as Earth circled the sun. These past months with him had been some of the best and worst of her life and she wouldn't trade a single moment of it even to replace the horrors.

Their past made her afraid. Every time they thought they'd found happiness together, it was ripped away. There was never enough time. Would he be stolen from her again just when they'd finally managed to find a way to make the broken pieces fit? Her jaw trembled and her heart clenched at the thought. She wanted to wake him so that she could cling to him and beg him not to leave her again, but she knew he needed his sleep.

James turned, throwing a heavy arm over her, so she turned her attention to him instead. If she kept looking at Kaidan, she would lose it and they would wake to find her in tears. Looking at James offered little relief, though. They'd had even less time than she and Kaidan had, but it had been just as intense. Six months spent together in close quarters with little to break the routine meant they'd gotten to know each other quicker and better than under normal circumstances. Their getting-to-know-you period had been condensed and proximity had aided their closeness.

She remembered him standing in the snow of the courtyard with his tongue out to catch the falling flakes and the look of shock on his face when she'd thrown a handful of it at him. She remembered the way he'd cared for her when she'd been ill. She remembered his soft declaration of love when he'd been lying in the mud with a potentially fatal wound in his side. How could she not have fallen in love with him? She just hoped she'd done enough to convince him of what he meant to her. If she lost him, it would devastate her just as surely as losing Kaidan.

His hand tightened around her waist and he pulled her closer to him as if his dreams were taking him along on the same train as her thoughts. She smoothed her hand over his short hair and pressed her lips to his forehead. He was a lighter sleeper than Kaidan and his eyes fluttered open. "You okay, Lola?" he whispered in a voice thick with sleep. "They didn't call us, did they?"

"No," she said softly. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep, love."

His brow furrowed and he looked around the darkened cabin. "You just sitting here watching us sleep?"

"Guilty as charged," she said.

"That's kinda sweet, Lola," he said, drawing her onto his chest. She splayed her hand over his heart, savoring its steady beat. "You worried?"

"Yeah," she admitted. Behind her, Kaidan nuzzled her spine. "I don't know what I'd do without you two. You're everything to me."

"You'll never have to find out, querida," he said. "I love you, too. I didn't say it earlier on the station and I meant to. I've loved you for longer than I want to admit. And Kaidan, he kinda stole his way into my heart, too. When this is over, what are we going to do? We have to find a way to make this work."

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you," she said. "I can't imagine it without both of you in it. I don't want to."

He shifted and propped up on an elbow. "You askin' us to marry you, Lola?"

"If we can find a way, yeah," she said. "I'd marry you. Turians do it. So do the krogan. Why not humans? Who says it can only be two? And even if we can't get the piece of paper, I'd still do it."

"Were you gonna wake me up before you proposed or were you just going to inform me later?" Kaidan muttered sleepily.

"You're supposed to be sleeping," she chided.

"So are you," he pointed out. "Answer the question."

"I figured I'd fill you in later," she teased.

"You know what I'd say," he said. "I'm not letting you go again, Shepard. And I'm not losing James, either. We're Spectres. We can find a way. I'm not changing my name to Vega, though."

James said, "After this, I think Shepard's going to be the name to have."

"I'm okay with that," Kaidan said on a yawn. "My parents might not get it, but they love you. They'd get over it for you. Might get confusing when someone says your name and all three of us look, though. You ever planning on telling him what it is?"

"Nope," she said. "I'm legally changing it to Lola."

"I guess I can live with that," Kaidan said. "I don't know what the big deal is, though. I like your name."

"Go to sleep," she said, threading her fingers through his hair. "We don't know when we'll get another chance."

"Feels too much like wasted time," he said. "I'd rather just lie here and hold each other if that's okay with you."

"That's what I was doing," she admitted. "I'm not ready for tonight to end."

It did, though. It always does. And when the sun rose over London again, everything had changed.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

A form materialized in the dark, walking toward him with swaying hips and hair swinging loosely about her shoulders. A smile curled her lips, making her eyes sparkle. James reached for her, but she maintained her slow pace, teasing him with her nearness when she was still out of reach. She was here. She was all right. She'd made it.

"Wake up, James," she said. "Please wake up. I can't lose you, too."

"I don't want to," he told her. "You aren't there."

The image shifted. He was in the shuttle bay with his arm around Kaidan's shoulders and K's around his waist. The bay door was rising as they flew away, but it wasn't fast enough to block the sight of the red beam cutting across the ground and slamming into her. The deck grating clashed against his damaged armor as the last of his strength fled and Kaidan dropped beside him.

"I'm here, James. Come back to me."

"I'm right here," he said. "I'm coming, querida."

"Wake up, James."

James came to in a rush of adrenaline and blinding pain. His arms flailed for something to ground him while his frantic mind tried to determine where he was. He'd been running through a field of fire and death with Kaidan by his side, chasing Shepard, doing his best to keep her in his line of sight as the world ended around them. Was he still on that field? Was the Reaper lining up the shot that would take him out while he lay on the ground in a stupor? Where was K.? Where was Lola? Their names left his throat in a hoarse croak he could barely understand. Panic clawed at his insides. Were they dead? Was he dead?

A hand, warm and solid and familiar, clasped his. "Easy, James," a voice said. "You're safe. I'm here. I've got you."

"Querido?" he whispered.

"Yeah, sweetheart. It's me," Kaidan answered. James felt K's forehead come to rest against his knuckles.

"Lola?" he asked.

"Don't...don't try to talk," Kaidan said, his voice thick with an emotion James didn't want to identify. "You're back. You're safe. Just rest now."

Pain and panic receded and were replaced by an abyss of grief that stared into his soul. The numbing darkness that stole over him was welcome. He floated, tethered by Kaidan's hand, and willed himself deeper into the stygian blackness. There was no air, but that seemed fitting. There was no air left above, either.

 

oOoOoOo

 

Kaidan watched James sleep and envied him the ability to forget, even for a little while. He was buried in a place he'd hoped never to be again. He'd never imagined it could be worse, but it was. Because they'd finally been happy. Because they'd finally found their center. Because there would be no Lazarus Project again. Cerberus was gone and with it the resources and knowledge to bring her back. He could almost justify their existence if it meant they'd return her to him again.

He had listened to her agonized moans as she'd forced her failing body to keep moving through the Citadel. He'd listened to her talk to someone who didn't answer and then someone who did. He'd heard the gunshots and her rattling breath. The first time she'd died, he'd been forced to watch, knowing there was nothing he could do. The second time she'd died, he'd been forced to listen, knowing that there was nothing he could do.

He'd heard her rally. He'd heard the determination in her whispered prayer to a god he'd never heard of. _Amonkirah, lord of hunters..._ He'd heard the regret in her apology to himself and James. He'd heard the goodbye in her soft declaration of love. He'd heard the explosion. And then he'd heard the silence. It was that silence that haunted him most of all. Shepard was gone. She'd left him and James behind to pick up the pieces without her.

He wasn't even certain yet that he wasn't going to lose James, too. The marine's injuries had been extensive. If he'd been faster, more focused, less afraid, he could have done something. He should have asked her to teach him how to create the biotic bubble she'd used back in Vancouver. If he had, he could have deflected the truck. He and James wouldn't have been hit. They wouldn't have needed to stop and be evacuated. Harbinger might not have hit her. She wouldn't have been so wounded. They would have been there with her. They could have saved her. Instead, she was dead and James was fighting for his life.

Karin's hand came to rest on his shoulder. "At least lie down on the bed beside him, Kaidan. You haven't slept since...since we left Earth."

"Can't sleep," he muttered.

"I was afraid you'd say that," she said.

He felt a pinch in his arm and looked at her in confusion. It was a testament to his utter exhaustion that even the sight of the syringe didn't immediately alert him to what she'd done. It was only when his eyes began to droop that realization hit him. Betrayal settled onto his shoulders and they slumped. He couldn't sleep. When he closed his eyes, she was there. Sleep was torment.

She hooked a shoulder under his arm and hefted him out of the chair. His feet dragged along the pristine floor, but she was a surprisingly strong woman and was accustomed to manhandling soldiers into hospital beds. She wrangled him onto the bed beside James and drew a sheet up over him, tucking it gently around his shoulders the way Mom used to when he was little. Her hand brushed over his hair and she whispered, "Rest, Kaidan, and heal."

He tried to tell her that no amount of rest or time would heal this wound, but the words got lost in his mouth. Darkness closed around him. He wondered if this was what it had been like for her in the Triton on Desponina when she'd sunk beneath the waves. The hours before she'd reemerged had been terrible ones, but nothing compared to this.

Black gave way to gold and blue as the sun set over the bay near his parents' home. The worn wooden railing of their deck pressed smoothly against his forearms. A glass bottle of beer, coated in condensation, dangled from his fingertips. The scent of cooking meat wafted from a grill to his left. His father laughed, a joyous, boisterous sound, and his mother joined in. A pair of lithe arms wrapped around his waist and a small body pressed itself to his back. He was afraid that the scene would vanish like mist if he looked too closely, so he threaded his fingers through hers and watched the play of dying light on the water.

"Dios, it's beautiful here," James said beside him. "Real sky. Real air. I could get used to this."

Kaidan leaned his head against the bigger man's shoulder. Shepard reached around and snagged the bottle from his hand. He heard her swallow behind him before she returned the nearly empty bottle to him. "It's perfect," he sighed.

"Too bad we can't stay here," Shepard sighed.

"Who says we can't?" Kaidan asked.

"You have to wake up. James needs you," she said.

"James is right here," he told her, but when he looked over, the man was gone.

Her arms left his waist. "Wake up, K."

He opened his eyes to find James lying on his side, facing him. His eyes were open, but there were shadows both behind and beneath them that Kaidan thought were likely permanent additions. "She's gone, isn't she?" he asked without preamble.

"Yeah," Kaidan said, rolling onto his back and draping his forearm across his head as grief crashed into him again. "She's gone."

 

oOoOoOo

 

James found himself in Lola's cabin. Doc Chakwas had released him from the hospital a week ago and he'd wandered aimlessly around the ship, looking for something he'd never find. Someone had cleaned up his station down in the shuttle bay, but he kept listening for the lift to open and her familiar footsteps to ring out across the deck. He'd gone up to the crew deck a few times, but he wasn't hungry and the listless faces of the crew just depressed him further. The bridge had sent him running. He knew Garrus was the right person to be in charge right now, but the sight of him poring over the galaxy map in her place was too much to bear.

He didn't know why he'd come here. It didn't make it any better. The room was trashed from the force of the emergency landing. No one had thought to come up to restock the VI and the scent of dead fish floating in the stagnant aquarium water was cloying. Glass sparkled on the deck around her desk. The model ship he'd gotten to replace the one he’d given her for Christmas lay broken by her terminal, as dead as the real SR-1. As dead as she was. Something bumped against his foot and he worked to summon the curiosity to look down. When he did, he found her hamster looking up at him with its tiny hands on the toe of his boot. It squeaked and turned in a circle before propping on his shoe again.

He knelt listlessly and held out his hand. The hamster climbed onto it and James stood. "She isn't here, buddy," he said to it. "She's gone. She isn't coming back." The hamster squeaked again. "It's just us and K. now, Pip." He looked around for the hamster's cage and found it shattered on the floor. Poor guy. He was just as lost as the rest of them.

James carried Pip over to the couch and found a clear spot to sit down. The hamster curled into a ball in his palm and looked at him as his shoulders began to shake. "She's gone," he said again. He hung his head in despair and tried to call up an image of her that didn't involve Harbinger's laser. He knew now from the others that it hadn't killed her. She'd made it to the Citadel and had fired the Crucible. But that was the last image he'd had of her and it was the one that insisted on searing itself into his waking mind.

The bed mocked him. Its sheets were rumpled, the blankets tossed haphazardly aside, the pillow still bearing strands of her hair. Shepard always made her bunk, but on that final morning, there had been other things on her mind and she hadn't wanted to waste even a few moments she could have spent with them on anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.

 _The bed's a lot harder than it looks._ He could hear her voice, could almost see her teasing smile.

He'd thought he'd known pain after Fehl Prime. He'd thought that listening to little April die had been the worst thing that could ever happen to him. He'd thought he’d known what rock bottom looked like while sitting in a bar on Omega. Little had he known when Anderson and Hackett had shown up that he was about to experience the highest highs and the lowest low he could ever imagine surviving. It felt like a banshee had sunk her claws into his chest and ripped out his heart and lungs, leaving a gaping, sucking wound that would never heal. His sobs echoed far too loud in the silence of the cabin.

He mourned alone with only the hamster's soft eyes upon him. He'd become accustomed to EDI's omnipresence, but even she was gone now. Tali and Joker had sequestered themselves in the AI core for weeks, but he didn't know if they were making any progress. He couldn't bring himself to care beyond identifying with the lost look in Joker's eyes on the rare occasions he left to hobble to the mess or the head.

Kaidan refused to come up here. One of the few times he'd spoken since confirming to James that Shepard was dead, he'd said it was too painful to think about. He'd locked himself in the observation lounge again, though locked might not have been the right word. The door was open. Kaidan was just so lost in his own grief that he might as well have been a ghost. He spent hours staring out the window at the sky that blanketed the lush garden world they'd crashed on and gave only terse answers when directly addressed. He left the window to curl up in the chair by the empty bookshelf and sleep. James didn't think Kaidan had eaten any more than he had.

Shepard wasn't coming back and Kaidan was slipping away. A month ago, he'd been lying in that bed with both of his lovers, talking about their future. Now, he sat alone in the midst of the wreckage that was left. He drew the hamster closer to his chest and sobbed. When he was as drained and empty as the vase of his mama's that he'd broken when he was two, he put the hamster on his shoulder and rummaged through the nightstand beside the bed in search of the bottle she'd placed there when they'd left the Citadel before going to Cronos. His hand hesitated on the top. She'd stored it for their celebration after the war. He thought about throwing it across the room, but put it away instead and started looking for somewhere to keep Pip.

 

oOoOoOo

 

Kaidan didn't turn when the door slid open behind him. The heavy tread told him it was James. Tali and Liara had been by earlier, but he hadn't spoken to them. Liara had simply stood with her hand on his shoulder. Tali had taken a seat on the couch and updated him on their progress in restoring EDI. She'd finally located the backup file the AI had created and hidden while they were on their way to Earth. She thought she would be able to get her back online within a few days, though she wasn't sure if the mech would be usable.

She was proud of herself and rightly so. Engineer Adams had told her it couldn't be done, that the pulse had destroyed her software. Tali had insisted that even advanced AI were ultimately just lines of code that could be replicated. Daniels and Donnelly had helped. Kaidan tried to care because he didn't want Joker to suffer the way he and James were, but he couldn't bring himself to give more than a curt nod while he tried to stifle his envy. If only they could bring Shepard back that easily.

"Querido." James' voice was tentative and the hand he placed on Kaidan's shoulder hesitant.

Kaidan forced himself to tear his eyes from the horizon and look at his lover. He still loved James. He was glad he was alive. But that was overshadowed by their shared loss. Shepard had told James that she worried sometimes that he and Kaidan were so well-matched that she would end up being superfluous. She'd been wrong. Now, the spaces were between them rather than Kaidan and Shepard and there wasn't anything to fill them. He didn't know how to fit the pieces together again without her.

"Come back to me, querido," James said, his dark eyes pleading. "I need you. I can't do this without you."

Kaidan wanted to speak, but there was too much in his head. Too many strains of thought competed to spill over and they blocked the flow. He couldn't do nothing, though. James was in as much pain as he and he needed him. They needed each other. He turned to James and felt his solid arms come around him. His broad chest heaved with his relieved sigh and Kaidan turned in to it. Wrapped in James' embrace, the thing that had been growing inside of him finally broke free and tore from his chest like a banshee's wail. _When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You'd better show up._ He couldn't do this again. He couldn't bear losing her. He didn't know how to survive this.

James held him through the storm and tipped his head back to kiss the tears from his face. When James' mouth reached his, Kaidan felt a spark of guilt for wanting this when she wasn't here, but he banked it before it could grow. She would want them to lean on each other. She wouldn't begrudge them whatever comfort they could find in each other. He tugged James' shirt from his waistband while James toed off his boots. They stripped each other with desperate, greedy hands, and Kaidan felt the cool glass of the window at his back when James pushed him against it.

James' touch was demanding, fraught with the unspoken need to reconnect with the only one of his partners who remained. Their mouths remained locked together as James stroked him. Kaidan locked his arms around James' neck, clinging to him like he was the last solid point in his disintegrating world. He was. James was the only thing left that Kaidan believed in anymore.

"Lube," Kaidan gasped when James slid against him. "Under the bookshelf."

James broke away and Kaidan leaned against the glass and watched the other man crouch down and slide the cabinet door open. The N7 tattoo on James' back stretched and contorted with the motion, reminding Kaidan of the hours James and Shepard had spent both in the field and in her cabin passing her knowledge on to her eager trainee. She'd done the same with Kaidan, viewing herself as the Spectre mentor she'd missed out on when Nihlus had been murdered. Even with all of the demands on her time, she'd ensured that they had the resources they needed to survive. So why were they here and she wasn't?

James took Kaidan into his arms again before he could pursue that line of thought any further. Kaidan threw himself into the distraction, wrapping his legs around James' waist and sinking down onto the other man. They'd never been together face-to-face like this before. James was the one to slow their pace to take advantage of the increased intimacy. His forehead dropped to Kaidan's and they looked into each other's tormented eyes as they moved languidly together.

"Te amo, K.," James whispered. "I know it's not the same, but we still have each other. Don't shut me out again. I can't bear it if I lose you, too."

"Never," Kaidan vowed. "I love you, James."

The pieces shifted, forming around the gaping hole where Shepard should have been and settling into a new arrangement. He didn't know how, but they would survive together. He wasn't alone this time. If someone had told him when he'd met the burly marine that the end would be the two of them falling into each other, he wouldn't have believed it. Now, he was simply grateful that they had each other.


	26. Chapter 26

James stood at the memorial wall with the plaque in his hands. K. had passed it to him when EDI had procured it. It was too much for him and James understood. He didn't want to be holding it, either. He wasn't ready to say goodbye. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to let her go.

He put an arm around Kaidan's shoulders while they waited for the others to join them. Tali had finished bringing EDI online and the AI had recovered her mech. She stood a short distance away with her silver hands clasped behind her back. Tali was in engineering, doing something with the drive core. Joker was still at the helm, navigating them through the debris field of a demolished Reaper. He still half-expected the Reapers to return to whatever they called life and refused to leave his post when one of their shells was nearby. Liara stood in front of the memorial wall, staring at Ashley Williams' name with Javik beside her. Dr. Chakwas was still in the med bay. The lift opened and Garrus stepped out.

"I still say this is premature," he said.

"How can you be so calm about this?" Kaidan demanded. "You were her best friend. Are you in denial? Do you just not care?"

The turian's mandibles tightened in what James thought was a hurt look, but his voice was casual when he said, "No. I've just seen her come back enough times when I'd have sworn she was gone for good that I've learned not to count her out until I have proof. Once I see her body, I'll let her go. Until then, I'm not giving up on her."

"Is that what you think we're doing?" Kaidan asked. "Giving up on her?"

"No," Garrus said placatingly. "If you truly believe she's gone, I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise. I could be wrong. I don't want to set you up for disappointment. I just can't fully convince myself that she is until I see her for myself. Do this once we get back to Earth and I'll give you my full support. Until then, though, I think we should wait."

"I can't cling to false hope," Kaidan whispered. "You heard the same thing I did. She couldn't have survived that. She was too far gone already."

"It's all right, K.," James said, rubbing a hand over his shoulder. "Scars isn't judging you. If we're wrong, I know you'll be the first one in line to rip the damn thing down."

"God, how I wish that would happen," Kaidan said bleakly.

The others trailed in and James looked down at the plaque in his hands. Kaidan had refused to allow her first name to be etched into it. He said she'd hate having it there for everyone to see. He'd finally told James what it was and he didn't think it was that bad, but he also couldn't see her as anything but Lola. That was his name for her, though, so they'd decided to simply go with 'COMMANDER SHEPARD' in the same block letters as the others. He'd thought about putting her name with Thane's, but it didn't seem right to have her on one side or the other. He would place her where she'd lived, surrounded by her crew.

"Should we say something?" Sam asked with a delicate sniff. "I feel like we should say something."

"What can we say? Words cannot do justice," Liara said.

"In my cycle, we saluted the dead a final time," Javik said. "When there was time to acknowledge them, that is."

James heard the synchronized shift of booted feet and rustle of fabric behind him. He released Kaidan and felt the other man move into position as well. This was it. This was goodbye. His fingers traced the name etched into the carbon fiber as he remembered their last moments together.

_"So, I guess this is it, no? This is goodbye?" he asked. The words tried to lodge in his throat, but he knew he needed to say them. There was no denying it. The situation on Earth was so much worse than he'd let himself imagine. Even Palaven hadn't prepared him for what they'd come home to. And the plan Anderson had laid out had sounded like a suicide mission. There were gonna be a lot of people who weren't coming home today._

  _"No way," she said. Her voice sounded as choked as his. "We've got a future to fight for, remember? Finding a vacation spot may take a little while and we might have to build our house from scratch, but it's going to happen."_

_On a normal day, he wouldn't dream of PDA with his commanding officer in the middle of the FOB, but this wasn't a normal day by any stretch of the imagination. He pulled her to him, ignoring the way their breastplates scraped against each other, and wrapped his arms around her. For the first time since he'd met her, she felt as small in her armor as she did out of it. He wanted to keep her here, safe in his arms and never let go. "You sure you won't agree to Mrs. Vega-Alenko?" he asked, forcing a teasing tone into his voice. "Or Alenko-Vega if you'd rather keep it alphabetical?"_

_"I'll think about it," she said, giving him a hint of a smile. "Although, I think I like James and Kaidan Shepard better."_

_His composure cracked. "Call me whatever you want, Lola," he said. "As long as you're still with me to say it, I don't care."_

_"You're a good man, James," she said, cupping his jaw in her gauntleted hand. "Don't ever forget that. And if...you and Kaidan take care of each other, okay? Don't let...if I'm not there, don't let it tear you apart. Promise me."_

_"I promise, Lola," he said, choking back the tears that burned his throat. He couldn't deny her anything. "But you gotta promise you'll do everything you can to be there with us, mi alma."_

_"I'll always be with you," she whispered. He saw the sheen of moisture gathering in her eyes before she rose on tiptoe to press her lips to his for the last time._

_"I love you, Lola," he whispered back._

_A few hours later, they were running through hell. Beside him, Kaidan's armor was burning. He was pretty sure fire was licking at his ass, too, but it would take more than that for him to lose sight of Lola. She sprinted ahead of them, dodging Harbinger's laser with her head on a swivel. The truck in front of her flew into the air and she slid like a baserunner stealing home to win the World Series. It missed her by inches. He was so focused on making sure that she'd made it that he missed the truck that came flying over it toward himself and Kaidan until it landed on its end right in front of him. He dove one way. Kaidan dove the other._

_The concussion from the explosion threw him to the ground. He didn't stop to take stock of his injuries. He had to keep moving. He had to get to Kaidan. He had to find Lola. They had to reach the beam. He couldn't get to his feet, so he went to his hands and knees. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lola leap over the burning truck. Why had she come back? She'd told them not to turn back for anything, including her. But, of course, she wouldn't take her own orders. Not when it came to her people. She'd never leave them behind. He saw her start toward Kaidan and stretch a hand out. Kaidan waved her off, so she turned to him._

_"James!" she shouted over the roar. Her arm came around him and she helped him to his feet._

_"I'm all right," he gasped as he limped toward the uncertain cover of the overturned tank. "Doesn't even hurt. Let's go."_

_A part of his brain tried to tell him that wasn't a good thing after a blow like that, but it was distant and he didn't want to listen. When she released him, though, he sank down to the ground and couldn't rise again. His body started to shake. Then, the reality of his situation set in._ I'm in shock. That's not good. _He tried to regain control of his convulsing limbs and heard the panic in Shepard's voice as she called the_ Normandy _in for evac. That wasn't good, either. Lola didn't panic. If she was, that meant he was probably dying. He couldn't die. He couldn't leave her._

 _Explosions shook the ground around him. The_ Normandy _flew in and she looped her arm around him again. Kaidan ran behind them, clutching his abdomen. When they reached the ship, she passed James to Kaidan, but didn't follow them. Kaidan called out for her, but she still didn't come. She wouldn't. She was going to finish this. Damned if he was going to let her do it without him. "You've gotta get out of here," she said with finality._

_"Bullshit, Lola!" he shouted._

_Beside him, Kaidan agreed, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen, Shepard. We're coming with you."_

_"Don't argue with me, James, Kaidan," she said, looking between them._

_Like hell he wasn't going to argue with her. "I'm not letting you do this alone! Give me my gun!" He just needed some medigel. He'd be fine. He could still fight._

_He could see her heart breaking in her eyes as she slowly climbed the ramp. He wanted to hope that she was going to stay with them, but he knew she wouldn't. She reached up and took their faces in her hands. Her voice shook with conviction when she said, "No matter what happens here, know that I love you." She looked at Kaidan. "I always have." She turned to James. "I always will."_

_He rubbed his face against her palm and felt Kaidan's fingers dig into the reinforced fabric at his waist. "I love you, too, Lola. Mi corazón. Mi alma. Mi vida."_

_"I love you, Shepard," Kaidan choked out. His grip sent pain shooting through James' ribs, but he didn't protest. He was clinging just as tightly to Kaidan's shoulder._

_Shepard backed down the ramp and they reached for her like they could plead with her enough to change her mind. It was as much a losing battle as the one she was going to run back into. She bit her lip and looked at them like she was memorizing them. Like she knew it was the last time she would see them. Like she was searing them into her mind to give her strength to get through her final moments and do what needed to be done._

_Then Harbinger moved and she looked over her shoulder. When she turned back, the moment was gone. "Go!" she shouted. James and Kaidan continued to reach for her even as she turned and sprinted for the beam and the ship lifted off, taking them away from her forever. The last image he had of her was his Lola surrounded by the sinister red light of Harbinger's laser._

 

He'd thought she was dead then. He would have sworn with everything in him that he'd lost her in that moment, but he hadn't. Garrus' words echoed in his ears. Was the turian right? Were they counting her out too soon? Could she have survived? If she had, would she ever forgive them for giving up on her? Garrus was right. They couldn't do this now. If they got back to Earth and she was gone, then they'd put her name on the wall. He tilted his head back and thought, _Please be out there, Lola._

"What are you doing?" Kaidan asked when he turned away from the wall.

"Waiting," he said. "Maybe I'm loco, but I can't just give up without knowing for sure, you know?"

"You really think there's hope?" Kaidan asked. His eyes searched James', torn between hope and fear.

"Like Scars said, she's been down for the count and gotten back up before," he said. "She's a survivor. So, yeah, maybe that explosion you heard would have killed a normal person. Shepard isn't a normal person. I think we owe it to her to try to believe in her one more time. If she's gone, nothing's going to change that. But if she's still out there and we put her name on that wall, it does look like we gave up on her and I'm not okay with that."

Kaidan's breath left him in an explosive sigh. "She could be alive." He turned to Garrus. "She could be alive? That's really why you haven't seemed affected?"

"It's why I've been busting my ass to figure out where we were and get the ship going again," Garrus said. "I didn't know if hope would make it better or worse, so I just kept my mouth shut, but putting her name up there seems very final."

"Then we wait and see," James said. He'd gotten shit for believing in her before. If he was wrong this time, he'd take it and he'd deal, but he wasn't going to give up on her now. Not when they were in the home stretch.

He returned the plaque to EDI and boarded the lift. Kaidan followed and they rode in silence up to the captain's deck. Kaidan still hadn't been to her cabin as far as James knew. James had only been back to retrieve Pip and carry him down to the lounge so the little guy didn't have to stay up here alone. Someone, probably EDI, had been here, though. The aquarium was empty and clean and the smell had started to fade. The glass had been swept up and cleaned off of the couch. Aside from that, it looked much the same as it had before.

Kaidan stopped in the doorway and James took his hand. The major's golden eyes raked over the room and he clutched his arm against his chest. "I couldn't come back, thinking she would never be here," he whispered. "I don't know if I can handle it now. The possibility is so slim, James. I'm afraid to hope. I'm afraid it'll just make it worse if we get back there and find out she's been gone all along. It feels safer to assume she's gone and get the best surprise anyone could ask for if we're wrong."

James turned to him and slid a hand over his stubbled jaw. "You handle this however you need to, querido. I'm not gonna judge you and I'm not gonna look down on you if you have to prepare for the worst. I just...she made me a promise and she's never let me down before. I feel like I owe it to her to at least try to believe she'll keep it."

"She promised she'd be waiting after it was all over," Kaidan whispered.

"Yeah," he said. "So, maybe she is. Maybe she's back on Earth, just waiting for us to show up."

"I wish I could believe that," Kaidan said.

"It's okay if you can't," James assured him. "But I'm gonna clean this mess up just in case. Remember how pissed she got when the clone threw all her stuff out?"

Kaidan gave a choked laugh. "'Go for the eyes,'" he said. "Poor Pip. She said he spent the entire time she was in lockup roaming the ship and surviving on whatever crumbs he could find. She said she found him below engineering and that he ran around in his cage for a solid ten minutes before eating until she thought he was going to rupture his stomach and passing out in a food coma."

"She's gonna be pissed about her fish," James said, moving to straighten the things on her desk. "She was so proud she'd managed to keep them alive for more than a week."

"Remember when she fell through the fish tank at Ryuushi?" Kaidan said. He went down into the bedroom to turn the coffee table right side up. "She wouldn't talk about it for days."

"Did I ever tell you about our snowball fight?" James asked.

"No," Kaidan said, looking up at him through the broken display case. "You got her out in the snow? She hated snow."

James nodded. "I know. She did it for me. I'd never seen it before. She played in it like she was a little kid."

"She and Garrus kept up a running diatribe about how much they hated the cold when we were on Noveria," Kaidan said. "Six solid hours of bitching about the Mako and whining about the cold. I thought I was going to lose it." He chuckled. "She had this song she used to sing about how much she hated the Mako. She was a good singer when she wanted to be, but this was so far off-key that it came back around again. Garrus said it sounded like the mating cry of some animal back on Palaven. Man, we had some good times."

"Yeah, we did," James agreed.

He didn't know if it was hope that finally allowed them to reminisce about her or if they'd both been waiting for the other to bring it up. Once they started, though, the floodgates burst open and they found themselves sprawled on her couch, telling stories about the things she'd done. EDI asked to contribute and within a few minutes, the entire crew was gathered in the cabin. Those who'd been with her during the hunt for Saren reached back into their memories for stories. Garrus, Tali, and Joker regaled them with tales of the Collector mission. Liara finally told the full story of how they took down the Shadow Broker. If she was gone, James thought, this was a far more fitting tribute to her than some formal gathering at the memorial wall.

If she was here, she'd have been passing around bottles of beer and bitching at them for telling some of the more embarrassing ones, like the time she'd had to convince Garrus that Ashley wasn't helping her self-harm when she'd cut her hair or Tali's claims about her snoring on the shuttle—which she did—or the time she'd gotten drunk and accidentally kissed someone named Feron because she'd assumed that the drell was Thane when he'd walked up behind her. She'd have loved this.

He looped his arm around Kaidan and drew him close. They were going home. One way or another, they would be reunited with her soon. Either there would be a body to bury or she would be waiting for them. They would know and that would be so much better than this uncertainty. They just had to get there before their supplies ran out.


	27. Chapter 27

Shepard woke to the steady beep of machinery that told her she was either in the med bay or the hospital. She'd come to in both situations often enough that it wasn't as disorienting as it might otherwise have been. The lack of an underlying hum meant a hospital rather than the _Normandy_. The warmth of the sunlight on her blanket meant somewhere planetside rather than Huerta.

That made her wary. Training had her faking sleep until she'd ascertained her whereabouts and determined who was present. She heard the whisper of scrub pants. The rhythm of the breathing sounded human. A nurse? Someone pretending to be a nurse? There was someone by her bed. She could feel the faint heat of their body and hear the squeak of a chair.

She didn't have to wonder long. A familiar voice said, "I know you're awake. You can open your eyes. You're on Earth. You're safe, Shepard. No rogue mechs or people trying to kill you this time." Miranda.

She blinked, cringing at the bright light streaming through the window. A moment later, it dimmed when Miranda closed the blinds. "Reapers?" she asked. Her voice was faint and hoarse. She wondered how long it had been since she'd used it.

"Gone," Miranda said. "You did it, Shepard. The war is over."

Over. It was over. She was finished. " _Normandy_? Kaidan? James?"

"I knew that would be your next question," Miranda said, sounding suddenly subdued. The beep of the monitors sped as Shepard's heart began to race. "Calm down. They're still out of contact, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. A lot of ships haven't reported in yet and more arrive every day. The comm buoys are down and there are only a few QEC units left. They won't be able to communicate until they get in short range. We do know they made the relay jump before the relays were damaged. We just don't know where they went after that."

The comm buoys were down. The relays were damaged. "EDI? Geth?"

"I don't know about EDI, of course," Miranda answered, "but the geth were disabled when the Reapers were destroyed. The quarians have been working to bring them back, but it's a slow process and they don't know if they can replicate all of the code. They’re still debating whether to even try the Reaper additions. Why don't you rest and I'll bring you up to speed?"

Shepard listened as Miranda described the energy pulse that left the Crucible, the Reapers and their forces falling, the spontaneous celebrations in the streets. They hadn't learned about the relays until a straggler with the Third Fleet had returned to Earth after discovering that it was damaged and only knew about others outside of the systems from the ships that had managed to make it back under FTL speeds from the closer systems. It seemed the blast had affected the relay even before it destroyed it because those who'd been among the last to leave had ended up in very different places from where they'd intended to go. So far, only those who'd ended up in Arcturus Stream, the Exodus Cluster, the Horsehead Nebula, and one ship from the Annos Basin had had time to make it back.

That didn't reassure her. Miranda said she'd been comatose for almost three months. That meant the _Normandy_ 's stores were at half capacity unless they'd been rationing carefully. If they'd landed somewhere across the galaxy, they wouldn't make it in time unless they were fortunate enough to be in a colonized system. Even then, unless that system had both dextro and levo supplies, some of her crew might make it while others might not. And if they were far enough away, they would never make it home. Even at FTL speeds, it still took centuries to cross the galaxy without the relays. Their only hope would be to wait while others made the voyage from star system to star system or the residents of occupied clusters repaired their own if they could and even that might not be fast enough. She could be an old woman before she saw her people again. She would be lucky if she ever saw them again. They could already be dead.

"Who's left?" she whispered.

"Wrex will be here soon for his turn on guard duty," Miranda said. "Aria T'Loak has it now, believe it or not. Kasumi, Samara, and Cortez visit regularly. Zaeed checks in on occasion. Admiral Hackett checks in almost daily. Councilors Tevos and Sparatus survived and they've come by once and left word to be notified when you wake. I'll do that when you're ready. Kolyat has visited a few times as has Commander Bailey. Feron was on the Citadel with Kolyat and he came, too." Miranda chuckled. "Conrad Verner tried, but we stopped him in the lobby."

"Thank you," Shepard said.

"I thought you might appreciate that," Miranda said. "Others have filtered through, but we're keeping the visitor list short. I don't know where Jack is."

"Jack's dead," Shepard said. She braced herself. "Did they find Anderson?" 

"No," Miranda said. "Not yet."

"The Illusive Man?" she asked.

"I heard they dug him out of the rubble a few weeks ago. At least, they think it's him. Rumor has it he looked very different. On a lighter note, your apartment survived. We assumed you wouldn't mind your crew using it. Housing is at a premium at the moment. We've been repairing the damage. Your violin is intact. The case is a bit battered, but the instrument is fine as far as I can tell. As is the guitar. When did you take that up?"

"It's James'," she said.

"Ah," Miranda said. "Well, it's okay. I'm afraid Thane's mug didn't make it. Kasumi pieced it back together as well as she could, but...I'm sorry, Shepard. Kolyat said that he had most of Thane's possessions and that you were welcome to sort through them if there was something meaningful to you."

Shepard pressed her lips together and shook her head. "No. It's okay. It's past time I let him go. Kaidan and James are my concern now. Gods, I wish I knew they were okay."

She tilted her head back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling tiles. Where were they? Had James made it? He'd been so hurt. She'd been so afraid for him. Memories rushed back, painful in their clarity, and she bit back the tears that threatened to fall. She'd been holding them back for so long, releasing only the ones that threatened to breach the entire dam, that she thought they would never stop once they started. Kaidan and James were a physical ache in her chest.

Every time she loved, someone died. Whole hosts of people had died in the war. Was that enough bloodshed to satisfy whatever malicious god demanded it of her? Or would it not be satisfied without one or both of them? Experience had taught her not to hope for their survival. The smart thing would be to accept that they were gone and begin the process of mourning all over again. Acceptance wasn't an easy thing to find, though. She'd done so much. She'd fought so hard. Hadn't she earned at least that small happiness? Hadn't she sacrificed enough?

The door opened and Aria sauntered in, looking as regal as ever. "I thought I heard voices. Welcome back to the land of the living, Shepard."

"I wouldn't have expected you to be here," Shepard said.

Aria shrugged. "I owed you after Omega. I don't like owing people."

There was more to it than that. When she'd gotten drunk on the Citadel after the coup, she'd woken up on Aria's couch. Aria had kissed her on Omega and if her dance card hadn't already been full, Shepard might have considered more than that. She wasn't generally attracted to women and asari fell into that category for her, but there was something about Aria T'Loak that made her hard to resist. Shepard wasn't going to push her, though. Whatever tentative friendship was there was fragile and she didn't have enough friends left to risk losing one.

Grunt barreled in behind Aria and shouted, "Hurry up, old man! She's awake!"

Shepard winced at his booming voice and again when he sat heavily on the edge of the bed, jarring her recovering body. "Careful!" Miranda chastised. "She's still healing."

"Right. Squishy human. I forgot," Grunt said. He slid over a few inches and looked down at her. "You look like shit, Shepard. Gonna have some pretty impressive battle scars. Shame about your leg, though."

"My leg?" Shepard asked, freezing in place. _No. The rebar. No._ She tried to wiggle her toes and only one set responded. There was no sensation where her left knee should have been. Her head fell back and she focused on breathing.

"I hadn't gotten to that yet, Grunt," Miranda said. "Shepard, I'm sorry. I was working up to it. You're a viable transplant candidate. Alternatively, we could fit you with a neuro-prosthetic that would be almost indistinguishable from the real thing. We tried to save it, but there was infection and it was a choice between your leg and your life. Your implants stopped working. I've gotten them back online, but it took time and that was something we didn't have then."

 _Spare parts. You without the baggage._ "No transplant," she said.

Her leg was gone. How could she do her job without a leg? She assumed she was still a Spectre. She thought she still wanted to be one. She'd been military most of her life. She didn't know who Shepard the civilian was. What would she do now? Nausea roiled in her belly. Her leg was gone. She would consider it a fair trade if James and Kaidan were here, but they weren't.

 _No_ , she thought. She wasn't going to think like that. She'd lost a leg, but she'd saved the galaxy. It was a fair trade. It was just one she hadn't anticipated making. She would adjust. She would learn to use a prosthetic. She hated to compare herself to him, but Saren had lost an arm and that hadn't stopped him. She wouldn't let losing a leg stop her. Still.... She looked down at the uneven blanket. James loved her legs. Would he even recognize her now?

"What else?" she asked. She didn't want any more unpleasant surprises. Better to get it all out now.

"You, um, well, you might notice some changes beginning soon," Miranda said. "Nausea. Tenderness. Weight gain."

"Why?" Shepard asked.

Wrex stepped forward. "The krogan aren't the only ones breeding, Shepard," he said.

"You're pregnant," Miranda said. "I assume you didn't know."

Shepard looked down at her flat torso. Convalescence had stolen a lot of her muscle tone and it was softer than she was used to, but there was no sign that something was growing inside of her. She looked up at Miranda. "Pregnant? You're sure?"

"Positive." Miranda activated her omni-tool and turned the display so that Shepard could see it. "We've been doing ultrasounds every week to monitor its progress. It's a very healthy baby girl. She suffered no ill effects from your ordeal. Congratulations, Shepard."

"Uncle Wrex is looking forward to meeting the little pyjak."

"Does this make me a big brother?" Grunt asked.

"I guess it does," Shepard said, stunned.

She placed her hand over her belly. A baby. A piece of Kaidan or James here with her. Something to live for. Something to fight for. She only hoped the child would get to meet her fathers. She closed her eyes and tried to picture the child. Dark hair, of course. But would she have Kaidan's sharp golden eyes or James' warm chocolate ones? Would she be able to tell by looking at her which one had fathered the child? Did it matter? She was a part of them, conceived in love between the three of them. That was what counted.

Miranda shooed the visitors out of the room. Grunt and Wrex took up positions outside the door and Aria told them she'd return the following day. Miranda dimmed the lights and said, "Welcome back, Shepard. I'm very glad you're still with us."

 

oOoOoOo

 

Days turned to weeks with no word from the _Normandy_. The other ships arriving daily didn't ease her worry and despair began to settle in. Kasumi and Samara conspired to put together a creche for the baby. Zaeed came by to bitch about the piss-poor organization of the Blue Suns and did so often enough that Aria relented and put him in charge of them again. She, Wrex, and Grunt continued their guard rotations, keeping the curious and the reporters at bay. Emily Wong had been killed in the original invasion and Allers hadn't survived the war, but al-Jilani surprised her by offering to keep an ear to the ground regarding the _Normandy_ and alert her if she learned anything verifiable.

Cortez came around even more often than Miranda and volunteered to be her support when the doctors decided she was well enough for physical therapy. At first, she was restricted to exercises in her bed and he took her frustration with his typical aplomb. When she was finally allowed to leave the bed, she discovered that simply standing required effort and assistance. Cortez provided it without reservation. Shepard hated her limitations. She hated that where she'd sprinted in heavy armor with a sniper rifle and shotgun on her back just weeks before, now, she needed Miranda's help just to use the facilities or shower and Cortez' to simply move from the bed to the chair by the window. The only exercises she could do well were pushups and sit-ups and even those were awkward because she couldn't figure out what to do with her thigh.

"Ready to get a leg, Shepard?" he asked, coming into the room. He'd learned to speak as he came through the doorway because, otherwise, she turned, hoping to see Kaidan or James and it was getting harder to hide her depression when it wasn't them. She shrugged and he shook his head. "Come on, Commander. Think about it. Once you learn how to control it, you'll be charging around the hospital like it's a battlefield."

Her biotics were still functional and they helped when she needed to reach something on the other side of the room, but it wasn't enough. When she'd tried charging across the room, she fell flat on her face and Steve pointed out that she still needed to learn how to come out of the charge. She wondered at times if he was the only one who worked with her because he was the only one who could tolerate her.

"I think Mr. Vega's going to like it," Steve said. "When the scar fades, you won't be able to tell the difference. Well, you will, but others won't. It's very lifelike. Miranda said it even adjusts to match your body temperature."

"You really think James won't mind?" she asked. Steve's insistence upon talking as if they'd come home at any time was both a relief and an irritation. How was she supposed to work on letting them go if he kept giving her hope?

"I don't think he'd care regardless, Shepard," Cortez said. "I think he's just going to be glad he didn't lose you."

"If he's still alive," she pointed out.

"Oh, he's out there," Steve said, holding out a hand so she could get to her feet. Foot. "He's too stubborn to die without making sure you were okay. Kind of like you."

"I'm not stubborn," she said.

"Whatever you say, Commander," he said with a smile. "Come on. Let's get you moving before you get stuck in that bed again for a few days."

She gripped his forearms and stood. Her leg wobbled and he held her elbows to steady her until she could take her crutches. He somehow managed to stay close without hovering. "You would think I'd be able to do this given the number of times I've had to use the damn things," she said when she almost tipped over and he caught her.

"Your balance is off," he reminded her. "You're used to using the injured leg as a counterweight. You can't do that with this. Tighten your core. Spread your toes."

She did as he advised and managed to make it to the chair without further incident. He propped the crutches against the wall when she sat and began to massage her calf. Phantom pains had started in the missing leg and she'd discovered that if she focused hard enough on massaging the existing one, she could trick her brain. She just couldn't look at her foot while she did it.

"I miss them," she said.

"I know you do," he said, taking the seat across from her. "When I lost Robert, I thought I'd never be happy again. You managed to do it after Thane and you reminded me of what I had to live for. You have a lot more than you like to admit. The baby, your friends, the hope that they're still out there somewhere."

"And what if they aren't?" she asked. "Am I going to spend the rest of my life with my heart jumping into my throat every time a door opens? Will I ever stop wondering what happened to them? Did I make the right call by sending them back? By ordering them to leave me behind and follow the rendezvous plan? All of our ships survived the blast. They would have been fine here. Instead, they followed my orders and they're lost out there. Did I stock enough food and water? Are they slowly starving to death? Were there enough medical supplies? How are they on fuel? Not knowing is driving me insane."

"There are planets everywhere, Shepard," he pointed out. "Even if they're uninhabited, you know better than most how many of them have resources that can be found. If they start running low on fuel, they know which ones have eezo. If they get low on water, they know where to look. They can find planets with edible food for both chiralities. Kaidan and Garrus will be working together. They're smart. They can handle this. Just trust them."

"I'd feel better if EDI was there," she said. "We'd come to rely on her for so much. I killed her, Steve. She told me I made her feel alive and I killed her mere hours later."

"It was a sacrifice she was prepared and willing to make," he said. "I know that doesn't make it easier, but I think if she'd been given a voice in it, she'd have told you to destroy the Reapers no matter the cost."

"Joker will never forgive me," she said.

"He will," he said. "He loves you like family. He knows you. He'll know it wasn't a call you made lightly."

The door opened and Shepard's head jerked up. Her heart leapt in her chest and sank again when she saw the doctor enter. "Ready for your big day, Commander?" he asked.

"Why not?" she asked.

Steve helped her back into the bed and held her hand while a nurse inserted an IV and started the sedative drip. He walked beside the gurney until they reached the OR floor and promised to be waiting when she woke in the recovery room. She laid her head back against the bed and watched the lights pass overhead. They faded first to a blur and then into nothingness.


	28. Chapter 28

Shepard didn't pause in her rhythm when the door to her room opened. Samara entered, her arms laden with bags. More baby supplies, Shepard knew. The little one was going to be utterly spoiled by the time her plethora of aunts and uncles were finished with her. What she really needed, though, were her daddies. It had been two months since Shepard had woken and there was still no word from the _Normandy_. Even Steve was beginning to lose hope. Shepard pushed harder against the floor, raising and lowering her torso in time with the music on her omni-tool.

Samara took a seat on the bed and crossed her legs. The asari's hands began to glow and a blue orb appeared. Her eyes turned white. Shepard had always found that unusual. Samara was the only asari she'd ever seen whose eyes went white rather than black. She'd meant to ask her about it, but it never came up organically and then Shepard stopped wondering and simply accepted it as another of Samara's eccentricities.

The justicar was patient and didn't expect Shepard to stop for her, so she flipped onto her back and hooked her feet under the bed rail. The sensation registered in her brain, but wasn't true feeling. It meant that leg could take more than the other, but she still mentally probed at it the way one would a sore tooth. It still didn't feel like hers and she doubted it ever would. It didn't matter. She had mastered her gross motor control and was working on her fine motor skills. It was getting better every day.

Focusing on the leg kept her from thinking about Kaidan and James, but it only worked for a few minutes. Very little could keep her attention from them for much longer than that. When she wasn't worrying about her lovers, she was worrying about her friends. Were Garrus and Tali all right? Was Tali still good on filters? Did she have enough seals for her suit? Was Garrus getting enough to eat? He was a big guy. He needed a lot of fuel. He didn't have the layer of fat that humans did as both insulation and reserves. He had to eat to maintain his weight or his body would start resorbing his plates, which made it harder for him to breathe. He wouldn't suffocate, but he'd said it was unpleasant.

Had Joker figured out what she'd done? Did he hate her for it? Had he broken any bones in the battle or subsequent escape? How was Traynor faring without her fancy toothbrush? Shepard hadn't had a chance to replace the one she'd broken getting them into the Normandy. Was Karin good on medical supplies? Did Javik have enough water to cleanse his hands so that he didn't go into sensory overload? Was Liara able to get in touch with any of her contacts? Was Glyph making sure she got enough sleep?

Did the engineers have everything they needed? Was Gardner rationing properly? Did he have enough cleaning supplies to maintain sanitation? Who was piloting the extra shuttle if it was needed? She hoped it wasn't James. He'd saved their asses on Mars, but his recklessness worried her. Had Rosalin on the bridge worked things out with Taylor in the shuttle bay? Had anyone thought to feed Pip and her fish?

Most of the time, though, she thought of her men. Were Kaidan's migraines leaving him alone? They'd gotten better since the mission against Saren, but they could still get bad. Could Liara perform Shepard's trick to help him through them? Shepard knew her control was good enough, but would she think to try? Would Kaidan feel comfortable asking if he needed it? Was he sleeping enough? Once he got to sleep, he slept like the dead, but getting there wasn't as easy for him when she wasn't there, especially when he had things on his mind. Was he worried about his parents? Shepard had talked to his mother the week before and Kaidan's father was still missing.

Had James recovered from his injuries? Was he blaming himself like he did for Fehl Prime? Had he turned to Kaidan or had they drawn apart without her there? She hoped they were leaning on each other. She had asked Hackett for word on the uncle and cousins he'd mentioned, but California had been hit hard and there were a lot of missing people. Was he worried about them? He was probably out of eggs by now. She made a mental note to keep them stocked in the apartment once she got home. He would want his abuela's huevos rancheros.

She didn't know how much longer she could continue letting herself hope that they were coming home. She felt like she was in a nightmare from which there was no waking up. _They're dead. They aren't coming back. They're dead_ , was a running litany in the back of her mind. When she thought of the rest of her life without them, the days stretched out into an abyss she couldn't bring herself to stare into. One day at a time was her mantra. One minute and then another. She kept herself busy, but when things were quiet and her people had gone home, thoughts of them flooded her mind, weighted heavily by the grief that was her constant shadow. Not knowing was slowly killing her. 

She laid back and placed her hands on her abdomen. She'd started to show and her palms conformed to the gentle swell of her lower belly. She hadn't felt the baby move yet, but the doctors assured her it could happen at any time. It just wasn't big enough yet for her to sense it. The regular ultrasounds she got kept her from worrying. She smoothed her hands over the bump and wondered again what she would name her. She hadn't picked one yet because she wanted Kaidan and James to have a say, but she was going to have to make a decision within a few months. Privately, she'd nicknamed her Savvy. S.A.V. Shepard, Alenko, Vega. She wondered what they'd think of Savannah Ashley.

Gods, she'd give anything to wake up from this nightmare and find herself in their arms again. She recalled the night before Earth far more than was probably healthy. Her heart splintered when she thought about whispering plans with James in the dark and shattered when she remembered Kaidan's sleepy, teasing voice asking if she was going to wake him up to ask or just tell him later. Those dreams seemed so far away now.

She got to her feet, pleased that she didn't stumble, and Samara blinked. The blue orb faded and her eyes returned to their natural appearance. Her soft smile was warm and maternal. Samara was still taking her role of justicar seriously, but she'd also stepped into the role of mother for Shepard. Samara had raised three daughters and assured her that babies were similar no matter the species. Their needs were all the same: nourishment, shelter, warmth, care. Between Samara and Papa Wrex as he'd taken to calling himself, Shepard was sure she could at least keep the baby alive. Samara's more important role to Shepard was the one she filled when the doubts came. When Shepard thought of raising her daughter on her own, panic set in and Samara stepped up.   

"I found a clothing store that had reopened in London," Samara said, gesturing to the bags. "I attempted to mimic your style and avoid the frill and delicacy of some of the options geared toward your female children. The differentiation your species makes between genders interests me. What makes one style of apparel suitable for males and another for females?"

"It can be hard to tell the gender of an infant just by looking at it," Shepard explained. "We use color and style to differentiate."

"If you do not like my selections, I will not take offense should you choose to return them," Samara said.

"I'm sure you did just fine," Shepard said, peering into one of the bags. Samara had outdone herself. Onesies, rompers, pants, knit caps, socks in all shades and sizes were neatly stacked within. Shepard lifted one out and smiled. "Giraffes. Cute."

"Is that a real creature?" Samara asked.

"Yeah," Shepard said. "You won't find them outside of zoos and wildlife parks anymore, but they're real."

"And the ones with the long nose?" she asked.

"Elephants, most likely. Same thing. If there are any zoos left, I'll take you to one."

Samara reached into the bag at her feet and said, "I was uncertain whether this would be insensitive. Please feel free to say so if it is. However, I thought it was, as you say, cute. I did not consider the pyjak association until I'd left." She held up a romper with a monkey squeezing a banana.

"That's a monkey, not a pyjak," Shepard said. "And it isn't insensitive. They are cute. Don't tell Grunt, but humans are pretty closely related to some of them, thus the passing resemblance. If it was meant as an insult, I might take it as one, but it isn't in itself."

"I am relieved," Samara said. "I had read that human women could be sensitive during their pregnancies and did not wish to add to your distress."

"You're doing just fine, Samara," Shepard assured her. "More than fine. I don't know how to express how much I appreciate you being here."

"I told you I would be if you ever had need of me," Samara said. "That did not extend only to battle." She hesitated. "This is something I will never get to do for my own daughters. You are allowing me to experience a part of motherhood their condition denied me. I am grateful for that."

"Do asari recognize grandmothers?" Shepard asked, sitting on the bed beside her.

"If the word translates correctly, then yes," Samara said. "Given our lifespans, it is not uncommon for a family to consist of children and their mother's mother's mother or beyond."

"Well," she said, "this one doesn't have one on my side or James'. If it's all right with you, I'd like for her to think of you that way."

"You honor me, Shepard," Samara said. "I would be glad for it. And should she be a natural biotic, which seems likely, you will need someone to help you through the terrifying twenties."

"I think that would be terrible twos for us," Shepard laughed. "But, yes, I would like that."

 

oOoOoOo

 

 _No!_ Shepard bolted upright in the dark. She buried her hands and wept into them. Her shoulders shook with the effort to drag air into her burning lungs. A low, animalistic scream tore from her throat. Vaguely, she heard footsteps pound up the stairs outside her bedroom and remembered that there were other people in the apartment, but she couldn't silence herself. Too much. It was too much.

The door slid open and Wrex ran in with his shotgun drawn. His biotics lit the darkened room and his deep red eyes glowed menacingly. Grunt pounded in behind him. "What is it?" he asked.

Wrex relaxed his stance and said, "Another nightmare. Go back to bed, Runt."

Grunt grumbled, "Man, I was hoping for a fight this time," and turned from the room.

Shepard raked her hands through her hair and tried to pull herself together. She didn't like them seeing her like this. She especially didn't like the hardened battlemaster watching her fall apart. To her surprise, Wrex moved deeper into the room. He put his shotgun on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed, causing her to slip sideways. She steadied herself and took a shuddering breath.

"Bad one?" he asked.

"They're dead," she whispered. "I heard them. They're gone."

She had hoped that the forest dream would end with the war, but it hadn't. It had only changed. Now, rather than chasing the boy, she ran after something she couldn't see, but knew she had to find. The voices of the dead still whispered and their shades still populated the barren wood. Alex. Jenkins. Nihlus. Ash. Jacob. Legion. Mordin. She'd grown accustomed to Thane's voice and had even learned to take comfort in his whispered "Siha."

Tonight, though, two new voices had joined the chorus. _This is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you make me feel...human._ Is this how he'd felt when she'd died? Like an elcor was waiting just around every corner to kick him in the chest? _Creo que té amo, Lola._ If Wrex hit her with a full biotic charge, it wouldn't hurt worse than this. How was she going to live without them? The six-month window on the _Normandy_ 's supplies had come and gone and they still hadn't returned. No one had seen them. Comm buoys were going back up. Still, no one had heard from them.

Wrex awkwardly patted her shaking back with his massive hand. "I ever tell you about Chella?" he asked. Shepard shook her head. "Figured I didn't. Don't talk about her much. We grew up together. Remember me telling you about trying to get the tribes to focus on breeding for a generation? Well, she was one of the ones who agreed. She picked me. We tried, but clutch after clutch gave us nothing but dead babies. First, she got angry. Then, she got depressed. I came back from the Crush to learn that she'd walked out into the desert. Never saw her again. I left Tuchanka and thought I'd never go back."

"Gods, Wrex, I'm sorry," she whispered. "I had no idea."

"Like I said, I don't talk about it. Only brought it up now so you know you aren't the only one who's been here. I still catch myself looking for her sometimes and it's been 300 years. It doesn't go away. It does get easier." He propped his hands on his knees and stood. "'Night, Shepard."

"Thanks, Wrex," she said.

When he left, she lay back down and placed her hands on her protruding belly. Eight more weeks until little Savvy made her appearance. She could feel every movement the growing infant made and could occasionally see it through her skin. There were days when she felt like she had an alien growing inside her. Not aliens like Wrex or Liara or Tali, but the aliens fictionalized on Earth before First Contact. When the baby was particularly active, she half expected her skin to split open and a larva to crawl out.

Tonight, though, Savvy was still. Shepard wondered if she was sleeping. Did babies dream in the womb? She might have asked Karin, but the doctor was likely as dead as Kaidan and James. And Garrus. And Tali. And Joker. Liara. Sam. EDI. Javik. The last Prothean had survived the Reaper War. Was that enough for him? Was he content to go now? Or had he been insulted that he'd survived everything he had only to starve to death because she hadn't been able to stock enough food?

She should have done more to reduce the existing weight. She'd been worried that Pip would starve if left in the apartment. She'd considered moving the fish, but had decided against it. How much more food could she have stored if not for the weight of the water in the tank? Would it have been enough to buy them even a few more weeks? It hadn't occurred to her that they might be stranded somewhere inhospitable for an extended period of time. The rendezvous points were all in inhabited clusters. She'd wanted to reduce their burden on others. She hadn't anticipated what she'd put away being all they would have. She hadn't done enough.

"I'm so sorry, Sav," she whispered into the dark. "I'm sorry I didn't save your daddies. I'm sorry you'll never get to meet them."

They would have been such good fathers. She could easily picture Kaidan and James swinging their dark-haired little girl between them. She could see James carrying her around on his broad shoulders or Kaidan bent over a kitchen table showing her how to take apart an omni-tool. They would have been so in love with her. They'd died without knowing about her. Shepard turned onto her side and curled protectively around the child. She would just have to love her enough for all three of them.

She'd imagined a future with James and Kaidan, but she'd never let herself go far enough to picture a family. She'd thought Grunt was the closest thing she would ever have to a child. She was military to the core. She hadn't thought herself fit for doing anything else. She'd imagined the three of them continuing to fight together, maybe even putting James' name forward for the Spectres when he'd finished his N7 training. She'd pictured a little house somewhere here on Earth, a haven for them to come back to, but the patter of little feet hadn't been part of the image. Now, she was here and they weren't and the patter of little feet would be all she would have left of them. Was she going to be good enough to do them justice?

 _I don't know, Shepard. I think you'd make a great mother._ Anderson's words on the Citadel echoed in her mind. _Think how proud your kids would be. Telling everyone their mom is Commander Shepard._ She still wasn't sure that was something to be proud of. Some of the things she'd done certainly weren't. Kaidan was the honorable one. He was the one who'd never sacrificed his integrity for expedience. He and James were the ones who agonized over the calls they'd made and the lives they'd taken and lost. They were the ones she should be proud of.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Childbirth in this chapter. Not tagged up top to avoid spoilers.

"Come on, Shepard, push," Miranda urged.

Shepard grunted and bore down through the pain before lying back, panting, as the contraction receded. Samara smoothed a hand over her hair. "It will be over soon," the asari soothed. "Be strong, Shepard."

Hot tears pricked her eyelids and she squeezed them shut. She was glad they were here, but she couldn't shake the feeling of wrongness that permeated her. Their hands were too soft, their voices too high. It wasn't right. It should be James propped up behind her, not Miranda. Kaidan should be the one stroking her hair. They should be doing this together. Despite her companions, Shepard had never felt so alone.

"I can't do this," she gasped. "I can't do it without them. Stop. I'm going home. I'm not doing this today."

"I don't think it works that way, Shep," Kasumi said gently.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry I told you to destroy the greybox. If I'd known..." She grunted and curled in on herself as another contraction forced her to bear down.

"Hush," Kasumi said. "You were right to do it. Now, push."

"She's crowning," the doctor said. "Just a few more, Commander."

"I'm not ready," she gasped, looking frantically up at Samara. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a mom."

"You can and you will," Samara said firmly. "You are not alone, Shepard. Breathe."

She felt as if she was being ripped apart from the inside. She wanted Kaidan. She wanted James. She wanted to be back on the _Normandy_ in their arms, even if it meant she had to fight the entire war again. She would repeat it all just to see them one more time. She would give everything for another chance to do things differently, to give them a chance. She wanted them here with her. She needed them and they weren't here. They would never be here again.

It ended in a rush, too quickly for Shepard to immediately comprehend that it was done. She gave a final push and a moment later, a sharp cry cut through the room and cheers echoed around her. She collapsed back into Miranda, who hugged her. "You did it, Shepard! She's here!"

Shepard lifted her head and watched the quarian nurse carry the furious bundle to a table across the room. A tiny fist waved in the air and Savvy's tremulous cries announced her indignation to the world. She was here and she was pissed. A few minutes later, Shepard was staring down into her red, scrunched face as Savvy told her all about it.

"She's certainly vocal," Miranda said.

"Those are definitely Shep's lungs," Kasumi agreed. "She won't have to worry about making herself heard in the field if she chooses to follow in her parents' footsteps."

"Is she hungry?" Shepard asked Samara. "How do I feed her?"

"Like this," Samara said. The justicar positioned the infant and Shepard sighed in relief when Savvy stopped crying and latched on.

She traced the baby's soft face, looking for signs of another in her features. Her eyes were deep blue, but Shepard knew that would change. What color would they be? Would she find herself looking into Kaidan's eyes or James' or her own? Was that Kaidan's chin? Were those James' ears? Savvy's button nose wrinkled and she planted a miniature hand over Shepard's pounding heart. Would that hand grow up to hold an instrument or a weapon or something else entirely? Would it stretch its fingers for piano keys, grow callouses for a guitar, or glide over the neck of her violin? Would she grasp an assault rifle or shotgun or pistol? Or would it hold a pen or a scalpel or another's hand when they were in need?

Love like she'd never felt before surged through her as she stared down, enraptured by the tiny human she'd helped create. Fear swiftly followed. Who would die to pay for this love she felt for her child? Was she doomed to lose the baby as well? Would she be forced to watch one of the few people left to her leave this world in Savvy's stead? Her parents, Alex, Thane, Kaidan, James. All dead. _You don't want to love me, James._

What was left of her heart had left her body and taken human form. Could she be everything the child needed? She didn't know how to be a mother. There were so many ways she could get this wrong, so many scars she could leave on this perfect, immaculate being. This felt like the most important thing she would ever do. Her professional accomplishments dimmed in the light of the responsibility she felt toward her baby girl. Savvy stared up at her, perfectly trusting, utterly content, and yawned. In spite of her misgivings, Shepard smiled. She was so beautiful. She was flawless.

"She's perfect, Shepard," Miranda said as she slipped from behind her to perch on the edge of the bed.

"I did not realize human infants had so much hair," Samara said, leaning down to gingerly run her fingers over the silky strands. "It is...lovely. And so soft."

"I'm tempted to steal your baby, Shep," Kasumi teased.

Shepard glared playfully at the little thief. "You really want to find yourself in my crosshairs, Ms. Goto?"

"On second thought," Kasumi mused, tapping her lower lip, "perhaps I'll just devote myself to preventing anyone else from stealing her." Kasumi sighed wistfully. "I love babies. At least let me borrow her from time to time."

"Deal," Shepard said.

"I thought I heard a baby cry," Wrex said from the doorway. "She sounds like a krogan."

"Let me in," Grunt said. "I wanna see."

Shepard shifted so that he could look. "Careful, Grunt," she warned. "She's squishy."

"Aww, I won't hurt her," he grumbled. "When's she gonna start chasing me around?"

"Not for a year or so," Shepard said.

"That long?" he asked. "How does your species survive? No armor. No redundant organs. No natural weapons. She's helpless."

"She has us," Miranda said. "Shepard, may I...could I hold her?"

Shepard relinquished the little bundle into Miranda's arms and the woman cradled her to her chest with a wistful expression. "She's perfect," she said again, swaying gently. "Yes, you are, little one. You're the most perfect little girl in the whole galaxy."

Shepard remembered the dossier she'd found aboard the Shadow Broker's ship. Miranda would never have children of her own and she wanted them. This had to be hard on her, which made her presence all the more precious to Shepard. That, at least, answered one question. "I'm glad you think so...godmother," she said.

"Me?" Miranda asked. "Shepard, I.... Oh, Shepard. I don't know what to say."

"Yes?" Shepard suggested hopefully. She needed to be sure that Savvy was provided for should anything happen to her.

"Of course," Miranda said.

"What's the little pyjak's name?" Wrex asked.

"I've been calling her Savvy," she said. "For Shepard, Alenko, Vega. Savannah Ashley, though, I think. Kaidan would like that, wouldn't he? James didn't know her, but I think he'd agree. I know you two didn't always see eye to eye, but..."

"It's a good, strong name, Shepard," he said. "Williams would be honored."

Steve said, "James would get it. I think he'd like it."

"We'll need a surname for the birth certificate," the doctor said.

Shepard clutched the sheets as a fresh wave of grief crashed over her. Kaidan and James were supposed to be here for this. They should be cooing over the baby and arguing over which one got to hold her first and helping her pick out a name. Kaidan would be crying and laughing at the same time. James, with his multitude of cousins, would probably already be a pro at holding and diapering and caring for her. They should be here.

Shepard. Alenko. Vega. Which one? All three? What a mouthful. Alenko and Vega after her fathers? She didn't know. She couldn't make that call without them. She shouldn't have to. "I don't know," she whispered.

"This is why clan names are better," Wrex said.

"Or ship names like the quarians," the nurse said.

"Normandy," Shepard said. The _Normandy_ was both ship and clan. It was where she'd met Kaidan and where she'd fallen in love with James. It encompassed all of them, just like Savvy herself. "Savannah Ashley vas Normandy." Tali would have liked that.

 

oOoOoOo

 

"Ugh, gross," Shepard muttered, looking down at the spit-up covering her shirt. She knew she should have put a cloth over her chest before doing this. Savvy loved doing sit-ups with her, but she inevitably spat up on her at some point during the exercise. Still, it wasn't the worst thing she'd had on her.

Shepard used her core to hold her position and patted Savvy's little back. She might as well get the rest of it. The shirt had to be washed anyway. Savvy's head wobbled slightly as she tilted it back to look up at Shepard. A toothless grin spread across her cherubic face and she gurgled happily. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Shepard said. The pediatrician could say it was just gas all he wanted. Shepard still said it was a smile. "You're too frickin' cute."

She really was. At three months old, her eyes had darkened to a warm brown that was somewhere between James' and Kaidan's. Shepard still hadn't decided which one of them she looked like. She just looked like herself. She had high, chubby cheeks, a button nose, dark hair and eyes, a pert chin, and a wail that could wake the whole household.

She was completely spoiled by her plethora of aunts and uncles. Everyone loved her. Papa Wrex fascinated her, as did her big brother, Grunt. Miranda was taking her job as godmother seriously. Kasumi had scared Shepard a dozen times by vanishing off somewhere without telling her until Shepard had threatened her with her shotgun if she did it again without warning her beforehand. Uncle Steve insisted on taking night shifts when Shepard didn't need to feed her and never complained about the interrupted sleep. Zaeed came by often. At first, he'd claimed it was just to visit, but she'd eventually gotten him to admit he came to see the baby and Savvy seemed utterly at home with the grizzled merc.  

Shepard plucked the soiled fabric away from her skin and went in search of Samara. It was their time now, anyway. She found her coming up the stairs. "She's gassy," she warned the asari.

Samara took the baby and carried her over to the sitting area between the bedrooms and balcony. Shepard watched for a moment as the tips of the justicar's fingers began to glow. Samara began by carefully caressing her fingers through the baby's hair before tracing down her spine and over her shoulders, mapping the eezo nodules she'd identified.

Savvy's little hands flickered when Samara reached them and the asari smiled. She'd told Shepard this was an exercise asari mothers did with their daughters so that they would be accustomed to the flow from infancy and could learn to control their biotics at an early age. Where Shepard had needed an amp and to learn to direct the flow of dark energy, Savvy would be able to manipulate it naturally.

"Go, Shepard," Samara said without looking at her. "I have her."

"I know," Shepard said. "I just like watching."

She pressed a soft kiss to the baby's forehead and returned to her room to shower. She'd paid a plumber to come in and install showers in her bathroom and the one downstairs. The one in the room Grunt and Wrex shared wasn't enough for everyone who lived here. It had taken some of her closet space, but it was worth it to be able to shower in peace without someone accidentally walking in or having to maneuver Grunt out of it when he got drunk. She'd shared a shower for more than a decade and didn't mind when it was necessary, but she'd gotten used to the privacy of the one in her cabin.

She smoothed soap over her belly, feeling the fine lines of the stretch marks Savvy had left behind to mark her presence. The doctor had offered to remove them for her, but she hadn't gotten around to it. It didn't matter that much. Who saw her anyway? She still couldn't imagine being with anyone but James and Kaidan. The idea of dating held no appeal to her. She'd been blessed with three great loves and she'd lost them all. Meaningless sex didn't interest her. That part of her life was over.

She was going to have to figure out where she was going next. The relays in Alliance space were all but repaired and work was underway in Inner Council space. It was slated to begin in Outer Council space. Priority was being given by the number of connections each relay made. The one in the Horsehead Nebula was one of the first to be activated in the hopes that someone in the four clusters it connected to had gotten the other side activated again. The relay to the Annos Basin had been open and waiting when they had, allowing the salarians to go home if they chose. They'd already sent a crew to the Serpent Nebula and they were scheduled to arrive next month to activate the Widow relay. From there, they could travel to the asari, turian, and krogan systems. Progress was slow, but it was happening and the Council was beginning to make noise about needing the Spectres out there.

She knew that there were many children who'd grown up on Alliance ships and space stations. Spacers were common in the military. Her crew had already shown their willingness to help her with Savvy. It was possible that she could return to the field. Her leg had healed, and while she wasn't at the physical peak she'd been before the war, she was better than she had been in the first month or so after she'd woken up on Lazarus Station. Her implants worked again. She'd recovered from Savvy's birth. There was nothing physically stopping her from going back to work.

She would need a new ship. The thought made her heart clench. She couldn't imagine commanding any ship but the _Normandy_. No other vessel could possibly live up to the one she'd lost. It would get her back out in the stars, though, and she thought she wanted that. She still loved the Citadel once she'd stopped seeing the passage of corpses when she closed her eyes, but her true home was among the stars. Maybe there, she could search for some sign of what had happened to her ship and loved ones.

Miranda could be her XO again. She'd performed admirably during the Collector mission. Cortez was more comfortable piloting fighters, but he knew how to fly a frigate or corvette. If she couldn't have Joker, Steve was the one she'd trust at the helm. But who would be her team? Samara probably wouldn't stay long, but she'd have Wrex and Grunt at least until the Krogan DMZ was accessible again. Kasumi was already getting restless and had refused her during the war, so she doubted she would come with her. Zaeed might if she could convince him to leave the Blue Suns. Could she and Miranda handle it on their own?

How strange that her new life had started with her and Miranda and it now looked like it would continue that way indefinitely. She didn't think she had the emotional energy to put together another new team. Maybe that was better, though. A smaller crew could allow for, say, a corvette rather than a frigate, which would be easier on Steve. She could get a childcare VI to help with Savvy while she was in the field.

She didn't want to leave her baby with a VI, though. Perhaps she should accept the Council position she'd been offered. Humanity needed a new one and Sparatus and Tevos had pointed out that they had the advantage of already ironing out their differences and learning to work together. They trusted her now. While she would have liked that trust years ago, at least she had it now. She hated politics, but she'd proven good at it and people listened to her.

It would have the added benefit of semi-regular hours, which would let her be home with Savvy every day, and being on the Citadel where she could find a real person to care for the baby while she was at work. They'd even offered to let her bring the baby to the office until she found someone she trusted. As much as she felt the field was where she still belonged, she could admit that she was tired of running from one fight to the next. She'd needed this hiatus more than she'd realized.

Gods, she missed Kaidan and James. Had it really been a year since she'd seen them, touched them, held them in her arms? In some ways, it felt like an eternity. In others, it felt like just yesterday. When she closed her eyes, she could see them in front of her. She could hear their voices and smell their spicy scent. She could feel their arms around them. The pain of losing them was still as fresh as it had been when she'd woken after the war and she wondered if it would ever fade.

Looking too far into the future still devastated her, so she kept her planning to defined blocks of time. She wasn't trying to decide what to do with the rest of her life. She was trying to decide what to do now. She wasn't a convalescent anymore. Her savings would hold her indefinitely, but the others would be moving on soon if she didn't offer them an option and she wasn't suited to sitting around in the same place every day. The baby kept her busy for now, but she would gain independence as she grew and inactivity would drive Shepard insane. She loved being a mother, but that wasn't enough by itself. She needed to do something. She just had to decide what that something was.

She didn't have to decide today, though. Today, she had to get out of the shower and plaster on a happy face. Today was the first anniversary of the end of the war. There was a ceremony this afternoon where she was expected to give a speech. After that, her crew wanted to go out for drinks and she'd promised to join them. Kolyat had offered to babysit. She wasn't looking forward to the ceremony, but she supposed she could use some adult time with her friends.

She exited the shower, dried her hair, and applied a little bit of makeup. Her hair had been singed off on the Crucible, but had grown back and now curled around her jaw. She went to the closet to dress. Alliance dress blues or Spectre whites? The Alliance was hosting the event, but it was being led by the Council and members of all races were going to be recognized. Spectre whites, then. She would just need to be careful around Savvy.

She carefully transferred the brass from her blues to her whites. She didn't particularly care about medals, but they were expected. By the time she'd pinned them all on, the tailored coat had gained at least a pound and jingled when it moved. The Star of Terra she'd received after Elysium gleamed in the light.

Her eyes fell on her violin case. It was tucked away under a rack of clothing and coated in a fine layer of dust. She hadn't been able to bring herself to play since she'd been home. She'd thought about learning a lullaby for Savvy, but when she'd reached for the case, her hands had shaken so badly she couldn't open the clasps. There were too many memories stored in it. Someday, she would play for her daughter. When Savvy was old enough to understand. She wasn't ready yet.

James' guitar case rested behind it, looking thick and bulky in comparison. She liked the visual, though. It was like he was symbolically looking out for her. She crouched down and drew it out, placing it on the floor in front of her. She'd kept it tuned for him, though she didn't know why, and it didn't have the dust that hers did. There was something inside that she wanted. She opened the case and found the simple blue pin among his capo, picks, and spare strings. She plucked it out and tucked it in her hand before allowing her fingers to drift over the guitar. Its soft notes threatened to undo her composure, so she replaced it and swiftly closed the case and returned it to its spot.

She dressed quickly and checked her reflection in the bathroom mirror before attaching the blue pin over her heart. REMEMBER NORMANDY. It looked out of place alongside the gleaming metal and satin ribbons, but it felt right. James had admitted once that he'd worn it every day that she'd been dead. She should have taken it out before now. She gave her reflection one final glance before going downstairs.

Kasumi had Savvy propped against her shoulder, napping contentedly. The others waited in the living room and followed her down to the Strip where the shuttle waited. Cortez was in his dress blues and he hung his coat on the back of his chair before strapping into the pilot seat. She did the same on the chair beside him and buckled in. The others piled in the back and Shepard heard the door close.

Steve glanced back to ensure that everyone was ready before facing her. The shadows in his eyes reflected hers and he reached out a hand. She took it and sat with him for a moment in the weight of shared memory. "Remember the last time we flew through here?" he asked, forcing a smile.

"That was fun," she said wistfully. "If I go back to the Spectres, would you stay with me?"

"Of course," he said. "I still wouldn't trust anyone else to get you where you need to go."

 He released her hand and activated the shuttle. She looked back to check on Savvy. Wrex had taken her from Kasumi and Shepard relaxed, comforted that the baby was safe. Wrex wouldn't let anything happen to her. It was just a shuttle ride across the Citadel, but old habits died hard and she was accustomed to expecting the unexpected in the Kodiak.


	30. Chapter 30

The trip was uneventful and they arrived in London without issue. The Presidium had been suggested for the event, but the projected crowd had quickly outgrown any space large enough to accommodate them. They gathered instead at the base of the Beam. Shepard hadn't been here since she'd gotten out of the hospital and wished they'd chosen somewhere else. The Council had liked the symbolism of gathering at the site where the final push had occurred, though, and she supposed she should just be grateful that they hadn't picked the reconstructed Crucible dock under the Presidium tower.

Cortez parked the shuttle atop the rise and Shepard stepped out. The day was bright and cloudless, a rare beauty in London, but she didn't see the sunlight washing the hordes gathered below. She went to the ledge where she'd last stood with Anderson, Kaidan, and James and had looked up in horror at the Reaper parked behind the beam and the hellscape below. That had been the last moment they'd all been together and unharmed. She was the only one left. The others were all dead.

She looked out toward the Beam and saw it as it had been. She saw the overturned trucks, the flames, the smoke. She saw the black gleam of spilled blood pooled around the lifeless bodies littering the ground.

"Shepard?"

She heard Harbinger roar and the clatter of gunfire as those still on their feet fought the husks and marauders that swarmed, intent on holding them back. She heard James' soft curse and Kaidan's whispered, 'Oh, God.' She felt the weight of her armor and the press of the useless shotgun at her back. She felt the terror and horror and hopelessness that had swept over her in that moment.

"Shepard?"

She saw the truck fly end over end toward her, felt the scrape of her armor over the ground as she slid to avoid it, watched the second truck flip over her and land so close to James and Kaidan that she'd thought at first they'd been crushed. She felt the fear and despair and the certainty that Harbinger had aimed it deliberately, striking not at her but at those she loved, knowing somehow that their loss would break her more surely than death.

"Shepard."

She felt herself leap over the fallen tank and saw Kaidan on the ground, clutching his abdomen. She watched him wave wordlessly toward James and turned to find him scrabbling for purchase. She felt his tremors as she lifted him up, heard his protests that he wasn't hurt, and felt the urgency to get him to safety. He had to make it. It didn't matter if she died as long as they survived. If she knew they were out there, she could do what needed to be done.

"Shepard!"

She watched the _Normandy_ fly in and felt the weight of James in her arms as he leaned heavily into her. She heard his final words to her, saw the desperate plea in their eyes, felt their warm, bloodstained faces through her gloves. She saw them reach for her, begging her to come with them, and felt her heart shatter as she memorized each detail of their beloved forms. That would be the image she would carry with her into the end. The love they felt for her was etched into every inch of their beings and she took it to give her strength. She watched the _Normandy_ fly away and thought, 'They're safe. Thank gods they're safe.' Oh, how wrong she'd been.

"Commander Shepard!" Hackett's voice snapped her back into reality. She turned to face the admiral and snapped off a salute before taking his proffered hand. She read the understanding in his eyes. He knew. He hadn't been there, but he'd been listening. His was the last voice she remembered.

She still didn't know exactly what had happened up there. Bits and pieces had come back, but between his voice shouting for her and her approach to the tube that held the power to destroy the Reapers, there was only blackness. She knew that she'd been given a choice. She knew that the choice she'd made would likely destroy EDI and the geth as well, but she'd found the other choices, whatever they'd been, untenable. 

She remembered saying goodbye to James and Kaidan in case they'd been listening and hoping they would understand. She remembered silently apologizing to Joker. She remembered thinking that this was the only way the Reapers didn't win. She remembered the faces of the ones she loved and the way the years of her life had condensed into mere moments and played across the screen in her mind as she'd recited Thane's prayer to Amonkira. And then she remembered fire and pain.

"Thank you for coming, Shepard," Hackett said. "I know this can't be easy."

She forced her shoulders back and said, "I can handle it."

"I have no doubt about that," he said. "You can handle anything. That doesn't mean it's pleasant. I tried to suggest a different location, but I was overruled. Politicians and their symbolism. Doesn't even occur to them that this place is hell to you. I wanted to talk to you before we started."

She nodded to the others to go ahead of her and paused to kiss Savvy—now in Miranda's arms—on the cheek. When they were relatively alone, she turned back to Hackett. "Yes, sir?"

"The Admiralty Board is planning to offer you a promotion," he said. "I wanted to warn you beforehand. I know you resigned and you don't have to take it. If you do, it doesn't have to be anything more than honorific. It's your choice, though. If you wanted to come back, we'd welcome you."

"Now you promote me?" she laughed. "No, thank you, sir. I've been Commander Shepard for so long, I don't think anything else would feel right."

"I don't know," he said. "Admiral Shepard has a certain ring to it."

"Admiral?" she sputtered. "Aren't you skipping a few steps?"

"It's overdue, if you ask me. You led an intergalactic fleet, Shepard," he said. "You gave orders to admirals and primarchs and generals. Hell, Anderson and I were the only ones you answered to even nominally. You deserve it, whether you come back or not. Take it, Shepard. You earned it."

"I'll think about it," she said. "Do I have to answer today?"

"No," he said.

"Thanks for the heads up, sir. Probably would have looked bad if I'd laughed in their faces. Sorry about that."

"I expected it," he said as they began to make their way to the raised dais in front of the beam. "One other thing. They're going to be recognizing Major Alenko and Lieutenant Vega. Posthumous promotion for both and N7 designation for Vega."

She stumbled. "I—sir—how did you—"

"I heard you, remember?" he said. "I don't care, Shepard. Even if they were still with us, it wouldn't matter. Fraternization regs be damned. You all did what you had to do when it counted and that's what matters."

"Wait," she said, stopping in the middle of the aisle between the rows of seats that had been set up. "You said posthumous. Does that mean... Has there been word?"

"No," he said. "Guess I should have led with that. They've both been declared KIA along with the rest of your crew. It's been a year. We're still getting stragglers, but those are primarily dreadnoughts and carriers that had extensive provisions aboard. We haven't had a frigate in two months. Everyone on anything smaller than a carrier has been black-flagged."

"You gave up on them," she said, feeling guilt twist in her heart. Was it any worse than what she'd done? She'd been thinking of them as dead for months. Still, she'd held out hope in a small corner of her heart that they'd come back and she hadn't stopped jumping at every door that opened unexpectedly. "How could you give up on them?"

"It isn't about giving up on them," he said gently. "Their families need the survivor's benefits. It isn't right to withhold them when the only hope left is a snowball's chance in hell. If we're wrong, we won't ask for reimbursement and we'll reinstate the survivors, so there's no detriment to either them or their families. It's paperwork, Shepard. That's all."

"Except stealing that last bit of hope," she said. "You pronounce them dead and that makes it real. You give them that flag and you tell them their hope is in vain."

"For most of them, it is," he said. "But there's a reason why I'm bringing this up aside from preparing you. Major Alenko's mother is still alive, but Lieutenant Vega's uncle was his beneficiary and Emilio Vega didn't survive the war. All that's left is distant cousins. If he's Savannah's birth father, then she's entitled to his benefits."

"I don't know if he is or not," she admitted. "I haven't wanted to find out."

"You don't have to have a paternity test done," he said. "Just put him on the birth certificate and put in the request on her behalf. I'll see that it goes through."

"I'll consider it," she said.

"They also want you to speak," he warned. "You were their commanding officer. You were Alenko's Spectre mentor and Vega's N7 trainer. You were as close to family as Moreau and Chakwas had. If you aren't ready, though, I can do it."

"No," she said heavily. "I'll do it." She was going to need those drinks after this was over.

 

oOoOoOo

 

"I will always remember the _Normandy_ ," Shepard said in a voice that threatened to break, completing the speech she'd given. She wasn't sure she'd done any of them justice, but she'd done the best she could.

She stared out into the crowd as Hackett and then Sparatus and Tevos came forward to sing her praises. She didn't listen. She didn't care. She'd done what she had to do and her team was the only reason she'd been successful. Without them, it didn't matter. She didn't deserve their credit. She didn't deserve the admiral's bars Hackett pinned on her shoulders or the shining medals that he and Sparatus pinned to her chest opposite the Star of Terra.

Accolades were empty. The medals would go into a case to be brought out for ceremonial occasions and eventually handed down to Savvy if she wanted them. She'd accepted James' N7 badge and the folded flag it rested upon in the absence of his family. Mrs. Alenko had taken Kaidan's, but had tucked the General's stars into Shepard's pocket. General Alenko, second human Spectre. Commander Vega, N7. They should be receiving this themselves.

Her eyes burned as she looked down at the N7 logo, remembering how proud he'd been once he'd decided to accept the commendation. How many hours had she spent tracing the tattoo over his spine? He should be here. She should get to hear his nervous laugh as she placed the pin against his chest without its backing and drew her fist back. Blood-pinning had officially gone out of style, but N7s still did it anyway. She should have gotten to tease him for wincing when the posts bit into his skin, leaving a permanent pair of dots over his heart that would have matched hers. Anderson had been the one to tack her and she'd gotten him to redo it after her reconstruction. The scars were fainter than they normally would have been, but they were still there. It was a badge of pride and one he should have gotten to wear.

She jogged down the steps, clutching the flag with pale fingers, and slipped into her seat between Wrex and Miranda. Savvy's head bobbled as she turned to look down at the blue and white Systems Alliance flag in her mother's hands. "This is your daddy's, baby girl," she whispered. "Someday, when you're old enough to understand what it means, it'll be yours." She would keep the pin and the insignia, though, and pass them down to their daughter when she died.

Savvy gurgled and leaned toward Shepard. Miranda bounced the baby gently on her knee in an attempt to distract her, but it didn't work, so Shepard tucked the N7 pin in her pocket and passed the flag to Wrex before taking her. Savvy reached out and grasped the new medal in her chubby fingers, squealing with glee at the shiny metal. She banged it happily against Shepard's chest and promptly put it in her mouth.

"Told you she needed a chew toy," Wrex said, pulling a shiny, carbon-fiber dowel from a compartment on his armor. He waved it in front of Savvy's face. She followed it with her eyes and reached out. "She has your aim," he said when she swiped the object from him on the first try. She banged it against Shepard's shoulder presumably to make sure it was good before closing her mouth around it.

"Is that clean?" Shepard asked.

"Clean enough," Wrex said with a shrug. "You sure she isn't getting teeth yet?"

"She's three months old, Wrex," she whispered. "No teeth."

"Actually," Miranda said, "her gums are swollen on the bottom. Teething usually begins between four and six months, but it can start earlier. When did you get yours?"

"No idea," Shepard said. 

She looked down at Savvy. Teething. Another milestone. Another thing James and Kaidan would miss. Savvy grinned around the dowel and reached a slobbery hand up to poke her fingers between Shepard's lips. Shepard swallowed the lump in her throat and playfully nibbled on the tiny digits. Savvy gurgled and patted Shepard's mouth before turning and reaching for Wrex. He traded her the flag for the baby and she tried to turn her attention back to the ceremony. Would she ever stop thinking of everything they were missing? Would she ever stop missing them?

She didn't want a drink. She wanted to go home and cry.


	31. Chapter 31

Kaidan ran across the bridge with James by his side. The cockpit doors slid open at their approach and they skidded to a stop behind the pilot's chair. Joker's hands flew over the controls. Tension vibrated through his body. Kaidan wondered if it was nerves or fear or excitement. Joker wasn't speaking. That meant it was something big. That, and the relay looming through the windows.

Behind him, Garrus, Tali, and Liara ran in and peered around them. "Keelah!" Tali exclaimed. "It's so beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life!"

"Is it...?" Liara asked, twisting her hands together.

"It looks intact," Garrus said. "That doesn't mean it works. We've seen them like this before."

James' hand found its way into his and squeezed. "Madre de Dios. This could be it."

"I am going to find the biggest slab of katka meat on the Citadel and then I'm going to find the biggest bottle of turian whiskey in the Sol system," Garrus said.

"I'm going to stay in the shower for hours," Tali said.

Liara said, "I'm going to spend all day in the sun."

"This relay may be active; however, that does not necessarily mean that the Widow relay will be or that the connection has been established to the Charon relay," EDI cautioned.

Kaidan didn't think he would ever have been glad to see the mech that almost killed him stir, but the day they'd brought her back online, even he had hugged her. She'd been instrumental in getting them this far. Their journey had been circuitous, but it had been necessary to locate planets that could be mined for eezo for the drive core and others that could be hunted and gathered for both the levo and dextro crew members once their provisions had begun to run out. It had been a close call and he didn't think they would have made it back into Outer Council space without her.

"Come on," James said. "Somebody made the connection. How could anyone else get home without it?"

Kaidan tuned them out. If this worked, they'd be in the Widow system within minutes, and from there, it was a straight shot to Charon. They could be back on Earth in a matter of hours. They'd have the truth about Shepard and could get out of this limbo they'd been in for months. The closer to home they'd gotten, the more James' confidence in Shepard's survival had risen and the more Kaidan's had diminished. They'd argued about it more than once and had ultimately agreed to disagree. They didn't talk about her much with each other anymore, though the rest of the crew didn't share their reticence. The crew was split down the middle with Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Joker insisting she was still alive and the rest believing she was dead.

He didn't know what it meant that those who'd stood by her were still doing so while he was yet again pulling back. He just knew that if he let himself believe and then found out she really was gone, it would be like losing her all over again. He couldn't go through that again. It was easier to think she was dead and hope for an amazing surprise than it was to believe she was alive and risk being crushed again. He didn't have James' optimism. And if she was gone, at least he was further through the mourning process and would be able to be there for James. He'd need him more than ever if his hopes were shattered.

"Shit, yeah!" Joker shouted, throwing his fist in the air. Through the window, the rings of the relay began to spin as it shifted into position. Joker held the ship back until it was locked into place and then said, "We're going home, boys! All stations, secure for transit. Board is green. Approach run has begun. Man, is it good to say that again. Take us through, baby!"

"Approaching relay," EDI said. "Jump in three, two, one."

Light reached out and surrounded them. Kaidan felt the familiar moment of vertigo for the first time in what felt like years as the relay shot them through space. The galaxy seemed to simultaneously stretch and compress around them before opening up to the flashing purple sky of the Widow nebula. It looked strange and empty without the Citadel in the distance. James' hand tightened around his as the Widow relay began to move, lining up with Charon, and its rings began to spin again.

"Home," James whispered. "We're going home."

It felt like centuries since he'd seen Earth. Had it been rebuilt? What about the Citadel? If it wasn't in Widow, then presumably it was still in orbit around Earth. Was it repaired or still hanging shattered in the sky? Had they found Shepard's body? Was she alive or dead? If she was alive, had she given up on them or was she still waiting? Had she moved on? If she was dead, had they buried her without them or had they kept her in stasis? Would he get to see her one last time or would there be nothing but a gravestone to visit? Or had they cremated her and already shot her ashes into space the way she wanted? What was waiting for them?

The relay activated and a moment later, they were looking out at the Sol system. _Home._ They'd made it. They'd made it! The people around him burst into cheers. Laughter and tears combined as everyone hugged everyone else. Garrus patted Joker lightly on the shoulder and said, "You did it, Joker! You got us back!"

That was enough to break him out of his stunned stupor. He looked down at the pilot who'd taken them at FTL from the deserted planet on which they'd crashed to their home system. Joker had outdone himself. Once they'd gotten underway, he'd left the helm only to use the head and stretch his legs. He'd patched in to the AI core so that he could listen to Tali's progress, but had eaten and slept at his post. Only when EDI had come back online and relieved him did he leave the cockpit for more than an hour. He'd busted his ass to get them back and that deserved recognition.

"You did good. Your captain will be pleased," Kaidan said with a sly grin.

Joker looked up at him in confusion for a bare moment before laughing. "Good? You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on your way out of the bathroom? That's good. I just brought us across more than halfway across the galaxy with only two mass relays. That's incredible!"

"Yeah, it is, Joker," he said. "Best pilot in the galaxy."

"Damn right," Joker said. "And the best copilot." He grinned over at EDI. He hadn't stopped grinning at the sight of her since she'd come back. Kaidan could relate. If Shepard was alive, he didn't think he'd ever stop smiling.

"ETA, six hours," EDI said. "I am picking up communications from both Earth and the Citadel. Where would you like to dock, Garrus?"

Garrus flicked a mandible at Kaidan. "It's your call."

"Nah," Kaidan said. "You got us here. Finish it."

When Kaidan and James had both been so mired in grief that they couldn't function, Garrus had stepped up. It hadn't seemed right to take over. Garrus was the reason they'd survived to get EDI up and running again. He'd been the one to institute rationing from the get-go. He'd been the one to figure out where they were and plot their course. He'd been the one to insist on sonic showers to conserve water and order reduced power to everything but the engines and vital systems to preserve fuel. He still didn't look comfortable standing in Shepard's spot above the galaxy map, but if she couldn't be there, it seemed right that Garrus was. After all, he'd been the one who was with her through it all. He was the only one who'd never turned her down. He'd seen it through from beginning to end. It was only right that he be the one to take them home.

"The Citadel if the docks are open," Garrus answered. "If not, London."

Kaidan nodded his approval. The Council was on the Citadel. They would know about Shepard's status. And the Citadel would allow all the crew to get what they needed when they disembarked. Those who wanted to go to Earth could. The rest could find their people on the station. If not, then London was the first place he wanted to start looking for Shepard. It would likely be where HQ was housed now since Vancouver was gone.

"We need to get cleaned up," James said suddenly. "I'm not gonna see Lola for the first time in forever looking like this."

Garrus said, "Given that we're in the Sol system now, I think it's safe to lift the water restrictions. Go shower, people. You stink. Sonic showers only do so much for humans."

"Yes!" Tali exclaimed.

"Half hour limit, Tali!" Garrus called out after her. "We've got a lot of bodies to push through before we get there."

"Come on," James said, dragging Kaidan after him. James was like a kid at Christmas. He bounced on the balls of his feet as the lift carried them up to the cabin they'd finally decided to use again. He slapped his fist into his palm and took deep breaths. "Home. Can you believe it, K.? I was starting to think we'd never get here. Never thought Pluto could be so beautiful. I wanna be there when Earth comes into view."

"We will," Kaidan said.

He didn't share James' excitement. He was glad to be home, of course. He would be even more glad to get off the ship. It was designed for extended residence, but that usually came with shore leaves and trips groundside even if it was just to fight. The last time they'd stepped foot off the ship had been some backwater planet without a real name where they'd gone hunting for Garrus and Tali. Flora and fauna had been plentiful and they'd harvested enough to get them through. They were down to jerky and the protein shakes Tali had made, but it had been enough.

Kaidan stripped out of his clothes while James took his turn in the shower—it wasn't big enough for both of them to really get clean—and looked down at himself. Both he and James had lost weight over the past months, but they'd kept themselves in shape out of habit. Still, there was only so much they could do on the ship and he could see the difference in himself. James' dark skin held a pallor that made his scars appear even more stark and his previously tight shirt hung from his frame. He was still bigger than Kaidan had ever been, but he wasn't as beefy.

He watched through the open doorway while James scrubbed himself clean. Normally, he'd respond to the sight, but there was too much on his mind now. James seemed equally distracted, evidenced by his economical motions and the distant look in his eyes. Kaidan turned away and began to rifle through the wall locker in search of clean clothing for themselves. Their dress uniforms were the only things left that didn't need to be laundered, so he hung them up on the edge of the wall locker. If they were going to go before the Council, that was probably the best choice anyway.

James came out with a towel wrapped around his waist and said, "All yours, querido. Damn, that felt good. Garrus is right about sonic showers."

Kaidan gave him a weak smile and went into the head. He stepped under the hot spray with a heavy sigh. It did feel good. He stood where he was and let the water wash over his tense muscles. It wasn't as good as the one in her apartment, of course, but at the moment, it felt like the best one in the galaxy. Give him Shepard and James, a steak sandwich, and a Canadian lager, and he'd be a happy man.

When he was clean, he joined James in the cabin and dressed in his uniform. The fit was slightly off, but it didn't matter. He'd get the weight back. His hands were shaking so much that it took him three tries to get all of the buttons on his shirt and James finally brushed them away and buttoned his coat. They sat on the bed together to buff their shoes with an old shirt and put them on. "Lookin' good, K. Lola's gonna jump your bones."

"I can't," he whispered. "Not right now, James. I can't let myself think that way. I can't hope. Not when we're this close."

"I get it," James said, sliding a hand along his jaw. "I know you don't think I do, but I do. If I'm wrong, it's gonna kill me. I'm scared shitless, Kaidan."

"We'll be okay," Kaidan said, wrapping his arms around James' waist. "Whatever happens, we'll get through it together."

"You believe that?" James asked.

"I don't know," Kaidan said. "Ask me again in a few hours."

 

oOoOoOo

 

The crew packed into the cockpit when Joker announced the approach to the Citadel. It would typically drive the pilot mad to have so many people in his space, but he was in a jovial mood and seemed to understand their need to see it. James and Kaidan stood in their spot behind him with their arms around each other. James leaned forward like he could lend speed to the vessel and get it there faster. His hand created indentations in the leather behind Joker's head.

"Citadel Control, this is the _SSV Normandy_ requesting permission to dock," Joker said. "Citadel Control, do you read? Anybody?"

"This is London Control," came the reply. "Can you, ah, repeat that? I could have sworn you said _Normandy_."

"This is the _SSV Normandy_ ," Joker confirmed.

"Holy shit, is it good to hear that!" the human controller said. "Guys! You're never going to believe this!  I've got the _Normandy_! She's home! Hey, _Normandy_ , listen to this!" Through the comm, James heard a boisterous round of applause accompanied by joyous shouts. "Welcome back!"

"Thanks, London Control," Joker said. "Is the Citadel open or do we need to dock there?"

"Citadel Control has been having some issues with their comms today. Hang tight. Patching you through."

"Citadel Control. Identify."

Joker repeated their ID and said, "Any chance Bay D24 is free, Control?"

"By the goddess," the controller gasped. "Yes, of course. Permission granted. Bay D24 is available. Do you need transport or medical assistance?"

"A cab to the Presidium for Spectre Alenko, please," Joker said.

"Of course," she said. "Welcome home, _Normandy_. And on a personal note, I would like to be the first to say thank you for all you did for us."

"You're welcome, Control," Joker said.

James couldn't wait any longer. He didn't want to wait for a cab or the Council. He needed to know now. He leaned forward. "Hey, Control, any word on Commander Shepard?" Kaidan gripped his shoulder hard.

"You haven't heard?" she asked. "Commander Shepard is now Admiral Shepard. She was promoted at the anniversary celebration today."

"She's alive?" James asked, afraid he'd misheard. Sure, he'd believed in her, but hearing it was a totally different thing. "She made it? Are Tiberius Towers still there?"

"Oh, yes," the asari said. "Commander Shepard is very much alive. I listened to her speech myself. And the Silversun Strip is still standing."

"She's alive," James shouted. "She's alive!"

"Thank the spirits," Garrus sighed.

"Keelah se'lai!" Tali exclaimed, throwing her arms around Liara's neck.

"Goddess," Liara said. "I'd been afraid to hope."

James turned to Kaidan. The other man's jaw was slack and his eyes were wide. He blinked slowly and then whispered, "She's alive? I just heard that. She's alive?"

"Lola's alive," James crowed. "And we'll be with her in just a few minutes! Joker, get that cab to go to the Strip, not the Presidium. We're going home for real!" Joker stared at the panel in front of him and James saw the man's shoulders begin to shake. "You okay?" he asked. Joker waved him off. "Joker. What's wrong? This is good. This is damn good. This is the best thing ever!"

"I left her," Joker said flatly.

EDI said, "Jeff has been experiencing survivor's guilt since the end of the war. He feels that he should have refused the order to evacuate and remained behind. He believed that her death, if it occurred, was his fault."

"I left her. Again," Joker said.

"You didn't leave her the first time," Kaidan said, crouching down beside the pilot's chair. "She told me she ejected you. You didn't have a choice. We've been over this, remember?"

"How am I supposed to face her?" Joker asked. "I left her behind to die. How do I justify that?"

"You were following her directive," Kaidan said. "She told us to get out when Hackett gave the order. She isn't going to blame you for that. She's just going to be damn glad to see you."

EDI said, "I have been scanning the extranet for news. It seems that the Alliance has declared us killed in action. I took the liberty of updating your records. Miranda, Kasumi, Samara, Zaeed, Wrex, Grunt, and Cortez survived the war. Garrus, your father, sister, and Primarch Victus are still alive. Tali, Admirals Koris and Xen did not survive, but Admirals Gerrel and Raan are still alive. Liara, Feron has sent messages. I have forwarded them to your terminal. Additionally, Matriarch Aethyta survived. She has been assisting in the rebuilding efforts. Kaidan, your mother is alive. There is still no word from your father. James, I am sorry, but your uncle did not survive."

"Tío Emilio is gone?" James asked. "Damn it."

"I'm sorry, James," Kaidan said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I kinda figured," he said, "but..." He'd hoped Emilio had survived. He loved the man like a father. He'd wanted to see him again. That was the last of his close family. He had some cousins, sure, but Emilio was the last one who was close. And poor K. His sister, brother-in-law, and niece, gone. His father MIA. They really were each other's family now. 

The docks came into view. Damn, that was a beautiful sight. It was one he hadn't thought to see again when they'd been standing at the rail inside, looking out at the ship before departing the Citadel for what they'd expected was the last time. Lola had been standing alone, he remembered, until he and K. had come to her. She'd looked like she was saying goodbye. And now, here they were.

The clamps locked and the group all but stumbled over themselves in their rush to get to the airlock. It opened and they ran out onto the platform. Traynor threw her arms out wide and spun in a tight circle. They all looked around, drinking in the sight of the docking bay like it was the most spectacular thing they'd ever seen. It looked like it had never been touched by the war. The memorial wall still stood, but the lounge was almost empty. They passed through the scanners and he and Kaidan broke off from the group to go to the taxi.

Garrus called out, "Tell Shepard we'll come in the morning. I'm betting you two would like to have your reunion private for tonight."

"Damn right, Scars," James said, opening the door to the skycar.

Kaidan said, "I know you all want to see her. You shouldn't have to wait because of us."

"It's all right, Kaidan," Tali said. "There will be time. We have all the time in the galaxy now. Tell her we're glad she's still with us."

"Thanks, Tali," Kaidan said.

"Come on, K.," James urged, sliding into the car and inputting the coordinates for the Strip. "Hurry up."

Kaidan climbed into the car and buckled his seatbelt as it rose from its cradle. "I still can't believe she's really alive. Tali was right. We have all the time in the world. The one thing there was never enough of and now it's ours. The war is over. The Reapers are gone. And we're still here. We did it, James."

He was just now figuring this out? "We've known the war was over for months."

"Yeah," Kaidan said, "but this, seeing the Citadel like this, almost back to normal, makes it real. And this is the first time I've been able to really be happy about it. God, what do you think it was like down here? Can you imagine the celebrations? I bet people were dancing in the streets."

 _Faster. Faster_ , James urged the car. Damn taxis and their speed inhibitors. The Strip was coming into view, but it wasn't fast enough for him. "Yeah," he said to Kaidan. "I bet it was loco."

"Look!" Kaidan said. "Is that our shuttle?"

James peered down below them. "Hell, yes! That means Esteban's here, too! I've missed that pendejo! I knew he'd be taking care of our Lola." The car finally landed and James swiped his omni-tool over it to pay the fee. The doors opened and he and Kaidan jumped out. They ran through the doors of Tiberius Towers like a pair of children. "Man, what do you think her face is gonna look like when she sees us?"

"She'll cry," Kaidan said. "She thinks we're dead, remember?"

James gaped at him. "Oh, yeah. Damn. Poor Lola." He hadn't thought much about EDI's announcement that they were declared KIA. He hadn't thought of what that would have done to Shepard.

The elevator opened and they sprinted down the hallway. A drell leapt to his feet in the living room with a pistol drawn and they skidded to a stop. "Kolyat?" Kaidan asked. "What are you doing here? Where's Shepard?"

"Major Alenko," Kolyat said, his inner eyelids blinking. "Lieutenant Vega. You're alive? Shepard has to see you. Now. She's at the casino with the others."

He'd get an explanation later. James turned on his heel and ran back the way he came with Kaidan close behind. When the elevator doors closed, Kaidan said, "Why was Kolyat in her apartment? You don't think she..."

"No," James said. "No. He wouldn't have reacted like that, right? He'd be freaked out seeing us come back. Besides, he's just a kid. And he's Thane's kid. That would just be weird. She's probably letting him crash there. Housing has to be tight."

Kaidan slumped against the elevator. "Right. You're right. She would do that if he had nowhere else to go."

The elevator opened and they ran the length of the Strip, dodging pedestrians when they could and leaping over benches and planters when they couldn't. They took the steps up into the casino two at a time and James' eyes scanned the crowd. "The bar," he said. They turned as one and ran up the stairs.

He skidded to a halt at the landing and Kaidan almost ran into him. There she was. She was real. She sat at a table between Miranda and Wrex, dressed in her Spectre whites with Alliance admiralty bars on her shoulders and enough metal on her chest to patch the _Normandy_ 's hull. She laughed at something Miranda said, but he saw the dark circles under her eyes and the pallor of her face. She turned something over in her fingers and her lips pressed together when she looked at it.

"She's here," Kaidan said. "She's right there. What are you waiting for?"

"I just can't believe it," James said. "I'm afraid she's gonna vanish if I get too close. I'm awake, right?"

"Yeah, we're awake," Kaidan said. "I hope. If not, I want to stay asleep forever."

Shepard reached for her glass as her eyes scanned the bar. When they passed over him, she stopped with it halfway to her mouth. He heard her say, "I think I've had too much to drink."


	32. Chapter 32

Shepard looked down at her glass in suspicion. "Is this ryncol? Or a Weeping Heart?" she asked Wrex.

"No," he said. "Some asari stuff."

"What's wrong?" Miranda asked.

"I see James and Kaidan," Shepard said, looking back up at the men standing a few yards from their table. "Right there."

Cortez looked over at them and stiffened. "Uh, Shepard, you aren't hallucinating. It's them."

The glass clicked against the table as she carefully put it down. "You're sure?" she asked.

"Oh, my God," Miranda said. "It is them!"

Shepard stared, drinking in the sight of them, and they stared back at her. They stood in their dress blues, looking painfully handsome and so very, vividly alive. James was paler than he'd been. The tattoos that peeked out under his collar were even more pronounced than they usually were. The collar itself was loose around his neck. It had been too tight the last time she'd seen him. There were lines radiating from the corners of his eyes and his mohawk was mussed like he'd been raking his hands through it, but the smile that crept across his face reminded her of sunrise.

Kaidan had more silver in his hair. It wasn't just concentrated at his temples anymore. Thin streaks shot through the strands at his forehead and peppered the sides. His golden eyes were locked on hers and she could see his hands trembling at his sides. His adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. He took a shaky step forward and stopped again.

It was enough to galvanize her. The others had yet to move, so she climbed up onto the table, heedless of the glasses strewn across it, and leapt off. Seeing her move pushed them into action and they ran to meet her. She threw herself at them and found herself engulfed in their arms. They felt solid, real, warm, alive. The sound that tore from her throat was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. They were here! They were alive! They were home!

"James! Kaidan! You're here! You made it! Oh gods, I thought you were dead!" she cried, banding her arms around their necks.

"Lola," James breathed against her hair. "We thought, Dios, we thought you were dead. Kaidan heard you at the Crucible. He heard the explosion." He drew back and cradled her face in his massive hands, searching her eyes. "Querida. Mi alma. You're alive. I'd hoped, but I didn't know."

"I've missed you both so much," she whispered, feeling hot tears pool in her eyes. She ignored them. It didn't matter. They were here. She thought her smile was going to split her face. She turned to Kaidan. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but dropped to his knees instead and buried his face in her belly. His shoulders shook. She wrapped an arm around him and stroked his hair. "Hey," she said. "It's okay, sweetheart. It's all okay now. You're home."

"I thought I'd lost you again," he said against her uniform coat. "God, Shepard, I listened to you die. I thought you were gone for good this time." He tilted his head back and looked up at her with tears shimmering in his eyes. "Don't ever do that to me again," he said forcefully.

She laughed. She knew he was serious, but gods, she was so damn happy. "Oh, Kaidan, my Kaidan. I love you."

He pushed to his feet and wrapped his arms around her. She laughed again when he picked her up and spun her around. "You're alive!" he shouted, laughing with her. "Oh, Shepard, you have no idea how happy I am."

She clasped his face between her hands and leaned down. He tilted his head back to meet her. Their mouths crashed into each other in a fury of clashing teeth and clinging lips. She buried her hands in his thick hair and wrapped her legs around his waist. She kissed him until they had to draw back, gasping for air, and then she launched herself into James' waiting arms. He laid his forehead against hers and raked his eyes over her. They stopped on her chest and she thought he was ogling her until he reached out and touched the blue pin over her heart.

"You wore it," he whispered. "You wore it...beside the Star of freaking Terra?" He grinned and shook his head. "Mierda, I love you, Lola."

She didn't care that they were in public. She didn't care who saw them or who knew. She grasped his ears and gently tugged, bringing him down to her. He didn't resist and his smile didn't fade as their lips met. His hand ran over her hair and his eyes remained open as if he was unwilling to lose sight of her for even that long. She agreed wholeheartedly. They were home. Savvy was going to meet her daddies.

Savvy!

She pulled away. "We have to go home."

"Hell, yes," James said. "It's been way too long, querida."

"I agree," Kaidan said, looping his arm around her waist.

"Not for that," she said. "At least, not yet. There's someone you have to meet first."

"We saw Kolyat," Kaidan said.

"Just Kol?" she asked.

"Yeah," James said slowly.

"Good," she said. "I want to do the introductions."

James looked up as Steve approached. Shepard stepped to the side, but didn't release her hold on him as Cortez stepped in and threw his arms around him. "I thought you were a goner, Mr. Vega," he said. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Is everyone?" Shepard asked suddenly, looking up at Kaidan. If they'd all made it, where were they? "The others? Are they here?"

"They're fine, Shepard," Kaidan said soothingly. "They just wanted to give us tonight. They'll come tomorrow. Everyone is fine. The _Normandy_ is a little worse for wear, but she made it, too."

"And Joker?" she asked. "How is he coping? Does he hate me?"

"Joker's just fine," Kaidan said. "I imagine he and EDI are probably down in Purgatory right now."

"EDI?" she said, stunned. "EDI's alive?"

"Yeah," James said. "She went down for a while, but Sparks brought her back. Worked her ass off doing it. How do you think we managed to get home?"

Shepard went limp with relief. "I thought I'd killed her."

"She's just fine," James assured her. "Now, who's so important we've gotta wait to take you home?"

Steve grinned at him, but didn't answer. The rest of the group seemed to sense that it was all right to approach because they left their table and circled around. James had met all of them before, but still didn't know them well, so it was a surprise when Miranda and Kasumi hugged him. Wrex clapped him on the back hard enough to make him stagger forward and Grunt gave that creepy "Heh, heh, heh," laugh he favored. Zaeed shook his hand and said, "Goddamn glad to have you back. Welcome home, boys."

"It'll be worth it, Mr. Vega," Steve said. "I promise."

"You're going to love her," Shepard said. "Just wait."

"You get another varren or something?" James asked.

"You'll see," she said, smiling mysteriously.

She kept her arms around them as they walked back through the Strip. She couldn't bring herself to release them. A part of her was afraid that they'd disappear if she did. The rest of her was just so damn glad they were here that she wanted to dance in the street. Her men were home. They'd survived. The past year felt like a nightmare that she'd finally managed to surface from.

They came together in the elevator, wrapping themselves around her and threatening to smother her. She didn't care. She held tightly to them and breathed in their clean scent until the doors opened. Her heart began to pound when they walked down the hallway. They would be happy, right? They would want this. They might be shocked, but they wouldn't turn away. Would they? It was a lot to spring on them, but she hadn't gotten much warning, either, and she'd handled it. Of course, she'd had her whole pregnancy to prepare for the reality. They were coming home to a three-month-old.

Kolyat was waiting when they arrived. He smiled at her and said, "Good. They found you. Aside from their arrival, everything was quiet here. She's upstairs."

"Thanks, Kol," she said.

"Any time," he said. "I will leave you to your reunion."

Kaidan said, "Why was Thane's son here?"

"You'll see," she said and directed them up the stairs. The others remained below. She fought to steady her racing heart. This was it.

"You get an asari girlfriend while we were gone?" James teased when they approached the bedroom.

"Not quite," she said. "Try to be quiet. She's sleeping." That probably wouldn't last long, but she wanted them to see Savvy at her most angelic, which meant when she was asleep.

She led them into the room and crossed to the bassinet beside the bed. They hesitated in the doorway and then James stepped forward. His jaw dropped and he looked from Shepard to Savannah and back again. "Is this... Is she... Did we...?" He was adorable when he was at a loss.

"Oh, my God, it's a baby," Kaidan gasped. "A human baby. A _you_ baby. She looks just like you."

"Daddies, meet Savannah Ashley," Shepard said, biting her lip. The reaction so far was hopeful, but would it stay that way?

"Daddies," Kaidan repeated.

James sank down onto the bed, staring down at the bassinet. "She's ours?" he finally asked.

"Yeah," Shepard said softly. "She's ours."

"We had a baby?" Kaidan asked.

"We had a baby," she said. "Guys. Say something?"

"You did this by yourself?" James asked. "You had her alone?"

"Miranda, Samara, and Kasumi were there," she said. "But...yeah. I tried to make her wait for you, but she insisted nine months was long enough."

That seemed to shake Kaidan from his stupor because he wrapped an arm around Shepard’s waist. "She's beautiful," he sighed.

"She's perfect," James said, reaching out to run a gentle finger down her soft cheek.

Savvy stirred and blinked up at him before screwing her face into a grimace and letting out an ear-piercing wail. James lifted her from the bassinet and cradled the infant against his chest. He began to croon a song to her as he swayed with her. To Shepard's surprise, Savvy's cries waned. Kaidan released Shepard to go to them. He slid an arm around Vega's waist and laid his head against the bigger man's shoulder to peer down at her.

James passed Savvy to him and Shepard saw moisture glisten in his golden eyes. "Has Mom seen her?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," Shepard said. "Today, in fact. She wants to babysit."

"She would," he laughed. "Mom loves babies. I can’t believe we did this. A few hours ago, I was convinced it was just James and me and now we have an entire family."

The open wonder and adoration on their faces was a sight to behold. Her men were home. Her family was complete. The war was over. The galaxy was rebuilding. They could go anywhere, do anything. She went to them and they shifted to draw her in. Kaidan's face lit with a smile as James' smooth voice wrapped around them. They had spent so long trying to make the pieces fit and now, finally, they were whole.

Savvy’s eyes drifted closed and Kaidan laid her gently in the bassinet. Shepard tucked her hands in her pockets and felt the metal pins. She drew them out and said, "There’s something else. You guys were just a few hours late. You’ve both been promoted. General Alenko." He blinked at her as she removed the old insignia from his shoulders and replaced it with the general’s bars. She turned to James with a sly grin. "And Staff Commander Vega, N7. Would you like your blood wings now or later?"

"Get it over with," he sighed.

"Don’t wake the baby," she warned. He rolled his eyes at her and took a deep breath when she positioned the backless pin over his heart. He winced when she used her fist to drive it through fabric and skin. Seven taps for N7. Now they matched. "Congratulations, Commander Vega."

"Thought we were changing it to your name," he said, looking down at it. "I don’t think I can live up to Commander Shepard, _Admiral_."

"I don’t care what your name is," she said. "I care that you’re here."

"What do we do now?" Kaidan asked.

"Whatever it is, we do it together," James said.

 

oOoOoOo

 

"Lola! Come look at this!" James called out from the living room.

Shepard leaned over the balcony railing. Sunlight poured in through the floor-to-ceiling windows that covered the front of the cabin. Downstairs, James and Kaidan stood with a triumphant Savvy between them. A drone floated over their heads. Shepard jogged down the stairs. "What’s going on?"

"Look what our daughter did!" Kaidan said, pointing at the drone.

"Very funny, K.," Shepard said. "She’s five. Why would you weaponize her omni-tool?"

"I didn’t," he insisted.

"Can we try it, Daddy?" Savvy asked, looking between the two men.

"Outside, querida," James told her. He shook his head and the three adults followed the girl through the door. "Guess she’s yours after all, K."

"I don’t know," Kaidan said as an explosion ripped the air and a sapling fell. "She’s got your penchant for rockets."

"You let her make a _rocket drone_?!" Shepard exclaimed. "Savannah Ashley vas Normandy, get over here right now!"

Savvy turned to face her with a pout fully formed on her pert face. Her dark ringlets bounced as she walked to Shepard with a heavy tread. "But, Mommy!"

"No buts, young lady," Shepard scolded. "You are too young for a rocket drone. Give me your arm." Tears streamed from Savvy’s eyes, but she obediently held up her wrist. Shepard popped the omni-tool chip from its port and tossed it to Kaidan. "Disable that. Savvy, go to your room."

"You never let me have any fun!" the child groused before running into the house.

Kaidan and James looked at her warily. Shepard waited until their daughter was out of view before allowing her shoulders to shake. She threw her head back and laughed. After a moment, Kaidan and James joined in. Kaidan flipped the omni-tool chip and caught it in the air before swapping it for his and inputting a series of commands.

"Just think, Lola," James said. "She isn’t even a teenager yet."

Their laughter stopped and they stared at each other with mirroring expressions of horror. "Remind me who thought raising a spacer kid was a good idea," she said.

"You," they said in tandem.

"Shit," she grumbled.

They were right. She’d been the one to propose getting back out in the field after Kaidan and James had recovered and begun getting restless. Hackett had taken the Council position after she’d turned it down and hated and loved it in equal measure. Before resigning his admiralty, though, he’d assigned James as the Alliance liaison to the _Normandy_ , fraternization regs be damned. She’d worried at first that James would resent losing the opportunity to have his own command, but he’d assured her that he would rather be on their ship with their family than on his own. Kaidan had resigned from the Alliance in protest of their treatment of Shepard before the war. The Council occasionally sent them on separate missions, but they worked together as often as they could.

Miranda had rejoined her crew now that Oriana was safe. Garrus had chosen to stay. Dr. Chakwas, Joker, Traynor, and Cortez had remained as well. Tali had returned to the Fleet and Liara had returned to Thessia and set up operations there. Samara divided her time between Falere and her Justicar duties. Zaeed still ran the Blue Suns and had some deal going on with Aria that had made them the primary gang on Omega. It was still a shithole, but it wasn’t as bad as before. Wrex and Bakarah were raising a brood of children on Tuchanka and Bakarah had accepted the position as the krogan ambassador. There was talk of adding her to the Council. Kasumi was…somewhere. She came to visit Savvy when they were planetside and brought gifts whose provenance Shepard had learned not to question. Grunt had reformed his squad.

"Tell me again why we decided to try for another," Shepard said.

James grabbed her around the waist and spun her around. "Because it’s so much fun!" he said.

"Speaking of which," Kaidan said. "Savvy’s occupied for a little while. I suggest we take advantage."

"Hell, yes." James lowered her to her feet and they slid their arms around her.

She grinned up at them as they walked arm-in-arm back to the cabin they’d built in the woods outside of Vancouver. Kaidan had wanted to be close to his mom when they were home and James had wanted somewhere with ‘real air, real sunshine.’ Shepard had kept the apartment on the Citadel, but this was home. Not bad for an orphaned street rat and former Red, she thought. Maybe loving her wasn’t such a curse after all.


End file.
